Harsh Lessons (18 page)

It was the wrong remark to make, he saw, checking her aura.  From hostile and defensive it had shifted to disdain.  Disdain?  How
dare
she?  Anger surged, but he forced it down.  So.  She thought her defeat merely peripheral, and expected him to understand her real motivations.  He felt his way forward.

'But then, you weren't really trying to beat Dojo, were you?  You just wanted to smash something, but knew we'd both be "evicted" if you did any real damage.'  He read the accuracy of his guess from her aura.

He shifted his perception back to the mundane world for a second, and was disconcerted to see she still returned his stare.  So, there was more.  He continued, slowly.  'You chose Dojo because you didn't have to worry about killing him.  But just letting off steam wasn't enough, was it?'

She flushed slightly.

'You really did want him to knock you senseless, didn't you?  You wanted the pressure to stop.  You gave up.' 
I should have been the one to make you do that
.  She was slipping from his control. 
She should come to me when it all gets too much.

'I did not!'

He smiled, one eyebrow notching upward.  'Then why did you attack Dojo as you did?'

'Why did you stop me from killing Nelson?'

He stared at her.  'You're not stupid, Leeth, even if you act that way sometimes.  Kindly explain how slaying one of our host's operatives would improve our acceptance here?'

'He's not an operative.  Only Emma, James, and Preacher are operatives.  Nelson just does computer stuff.'  She got up from her bed.  An excuse not to meet his gaze.  Rolling her shoulders, accepting the healing as a matter of course.  'Anyway, you could've healed him.  I wouldn't have killed him
properly
.  I just wanted to pay him back.'  She spun around to face him.  'Do you know what he did?'

'I have a reasonable idea, yes.'  Best to leave her unaware they'd orchestrated the entire experiment.  And, thanks to his own warnings against performing it, had been closely monitoring the situation.  'Also, I know from my experience today that healing Nelson is numbingly hard.  I am not at all sure I
could
heal him from a truly serious injury.'

She stared past him.  'It was like I was lost.  Like I wasn't
me
anymore.  There were all these rules and it was like playing….'  She shuddered.  'It was terrible.  And Nelson, like a poisonous little spider in the middle, so I just wanted to-'

'Leeth!  Do you realize both Mother and Father now feel you are too unstable to be useful to them?  Feel that at any moment you might take offense and try to kill one of your colleagues?'

Now
her eyes met his, as she shook her head in denial.

'No?  So you claim now.  But can you assure me you won't lose your temper again?  Snuff out a life without thinking, destroying a set of irreplaceable skills the Department cannot afford to lose?  Can you assure me of that?'

'But- well… I can
try
.'

'No, Leeth.  That is not enough.  It can't be a matter of
trying
, nor even of
trust
.  You fail to realize that those little simulations – constructive scenarios like the one Nelson tried to involve you in – are the bread of life to the operatives.  They instruct, reinforce, condition.  Deeply.  So their loyalty is assured.'

'I don't understand.'

He raised an eyebrow.  'I can see I must be blunt.  Very well.  The kind of computer-generated stimsense Nelson tried to involve you in – watered down, since you aren't augmented – is what is fed to each of the department's operatives.  It is similar to the addictive NuLife, Leeth, but taken a step further.'

'NuLife – that's some kind of drug, isn't it?'

He frowned.  'I am sure I have explained this to you in the past.'

'Yeah.  It's a drug.'

'Not in the traditional sense.  It is more like an educational or entertainment stimsense, except used to provide interactive serials that are psychologically addictive; heavily laden with subliminals.  Nelson has produced a more advanced tunable ER variant-'.  Seeing her incomprehension he started again.  He wondered if her ability to ignore information she found boring was uniquely hers, or common to all teenagers.  'An Enhanced Reality stimsense is one which is not fully immersive, merely overlaying normal reality.  Nelson's "MetaLife" provides considerable computer and communication assistance to the agents, and is tunable in its degree of immersion and stimulation of certain cortical functions.  Unlike NuLife, it is directive and non-harmful, though still addictive.  And obviously anathema to you – as it should be.  It is, after all, an artificial experience.'

She shuddered.

'But it leaves us in a rather awkward position, doesn't it?  Because they
also
use it to condition their operatives to guarantee their loyalties.  And now, thanks to your outburst, they need the same sort of guarantee of your behavior that they have for James, Emma and Preacher.  And yet they dare not use neural augmentation since it would ruin your own special abilities.'

She looked down.

A rush of anticipation swept through him.  Perhaps now, finally, he could advance his own experiment to a new level.  'Do you trust me, Leeth?'

She looked up at him.  'I don't know, Keepie.  I used to.'

He should have expected that; but the answer still hurt.

He let that hurt show, and saw her turn away.  Saw the guilt.

'You remember that first day?  When you thought you were to be sent away?  Do you remember what I promised you, then?'

Her eyes returned to his.  'That you'd never abandon me.'  Her voice a whisper. 'That we were a team.  That the whole world wouldn't be enough to split us up.'

He stared, not expecting such an accurate recall.  He felt a pang; perhaps, even, something more.

'Leeth, I know it's hard for you to believe, but you are the focus of my life.  Everything I do, I do to make you stronger.  Better.  More
yourself
.  Even Dojo must have told you, there is no gain without pain.'

She stared at him, shaken now, he saw.

'So I ask you again: do you trust me?'

She worried her lip.  'Yeah, Keepie.  I guess I do.  Deep down.'

Looking into her trusting young face, he felt suddenly cold.  Even sick.  As if he stood now at a precipice. 
It had to be done, though
.  Someone
had to have control of her
.  And if it weren't him, through magic, Nelson would be certain to come up with something they could
try
.  Even if it magically crippled her in the process, or killed her.  No, it had to be him.

A whisper of excitement crept in.  'Lie back down on your bed and close your eyes.  Listen to my voice, and only my voice.  Remember your trust.  You will have to help me, Leeth, with all your heart.'  For long seconds, she studied him, deciding whether or not she could do that.

At last she nodded, and lay down.  ‘You won’t do anything…
bad
to m
e,
Keepie, will you?’

The knife twisted in his stomach.  ‘No, Leeth, I will do only what is essential.’ 
Unfortunately, that will be a lot.

‘You promise?’

‘I do.’

For a second her eyes remained open, wide, staring vulnerably up into his.  A strange pain stabbed into his heart, a part of him begging him to find some other way.  Begging him to
want
to find another way.  He pushed it down.

Eyes still locked on his, Leeth took a breath, then closed hers.

He gazed down at her: the new and still unfamiliar urchin hair-cut; the full lips and snub but faintly too broad nose; the innocent faith.  What he was about to do….  He felt loose, adrift.  Like he stood at some great height.

From on high, he studied her.  He knew her mind so well.  Strange, really, how all the minute adjustments he'd already made, over all the years, made such a perfect foundation for the lines of control he
had to
weave through her mind now.  As if he had planned it that way from the start.

Absurd
.  He put the ridiculous notion aside and focused once more on the difficult task at hand.

It had to use her own strength, of course.

Like a god he looked down at her, his heart racing so madly that a tide of blackness swept up, almost overwhelming him.

And with a deep breath, began to work the magic.

Chapter 22 

She sat up slowly, blinking and frowning, rubbing her forehead, unsure how much time had passed.  One hour?  Two?  She felt strange – as though someone was standing just behind her.  She had to look around to be certain there wasn't.

«Shh.»  To her,
Harmon's voice was a faint whisper.  Which meant, she knew, that no one else would have any chance of hearing him.  Which meant he thought someone was listening.

«
Think to me clearly and slowly,» he whispered,
«
and I will be able to read your surface thoughts.»

She blinked, considering the implications of that.  She thought she'd stopped him from being able to do that
years
ago.  Belatedly she quashed the thought. 
«
Who's listening?»

«
Several people, I imagine.
»

His voice sounded really strange – like his throat was hoarse and he was blowing the words out.  And his lips hardly moved.  It always made her want to laugh, when he did that.

He frowned.  Then in a normal, loud voice, said, 'That's done, Leeth.  You are now limited in what you can do to your colleagues here.  Furthermore, you are unable to discuss the Department, or any of its people, or any of its secrets with anyone you haven't already met here.'

She sat still as the meaning sank in.  Tears rose to her eyes for no reason she could think of, and she angrily blinked them away. 
«What do you mean,
"
limited
"
?
»

«
Aloud,
»
he whispered.

'What do you mean, limited?'

Harmon permitted himself a small smile, and spoke normally.  'Well, we don't know who could be listening, so it wouldn't be fair to you, to let everyone know exactly what you are no longer able to do.  I
will
inform Eagle of the specifics, naturally.'  He shrugged.  'Perhaps he will see fit to inform Father and Mother.'  In a whisper he immediately added,
«
You may not kill any of them, without express orders from Eagle, or from Mother and Father together.  Or from me. That is the main limitation.
»

'Oh.  But how will you prove to them that- that I really am "limited," unless I get pushed into- trying to break my limits?'

'A problem, I admit.  My assurances will carry little weight, as yet.  So I want you to show people that you can behave yourself.  That you aren't completely headstrong and self-centered.  That
you can follow orders, even orders you disagree with.'  H
is voice sank –
«
I have also imposed one other control to help you in this.
»
– then rose – 'To demonstrate that you can be obedient.' – and sank again –
«
Leeth – Mode One.
»

A wave of strangeness shivered through her at the whispered words, and her eyes widened involuntarily.

'Stand up.'

She stood up.

'Take off your clothes.'

She blinked for a moment, confused.  Her blouse had to come off, first. 

She began undoing buttons.  If Mother and Father really were watching, she wondered if this would be the first time either of them had seen her naked.  She was removing her bra when he interrupted her.

'Stop.  Put your shirt back on.'

For a moment, as she bent to pick up her top, a feeling of doubt flitting through her consciousness.  Why?  She shrugged back into the blouse, did the buttons back up.

'Come with me, Leeth.  I want you to apologize to Nelson.' And added, just for her:
«
You will apologize for attacking him.  And for frightening him.
»

A surge of anger washed through her.  She wasn't going to say sorry to that little-.  She shook her head as she lost her train of thought, frowning as she followed her uncle out of the room.  Determined to apologize.

A few minutes later, they stood by the door to Nelson's apartment.  Before Harmon could press the chime in the corridor outside, a voice snapped out over the speaker.  'I'm not opening the door while
she's
there!'

Harmon looked up to where he assumed the security camera was concealed.  'But Leeth has come to apologize to you.'

There was a second's pause before Nelson replied.  'What, she doesn't want to kill me anymore?'

Leeth glared at the speaker in the wall.  'Yes.'

Harmon turned to her, scowling, which only deepened at Nelson's response.

'Yes she does want to kill me or yes she doesn't?'

«
Say no,
»
whispered Harmon urgently, suddenly realizing his orders – to simply apologize – had been too vague.
«A
nd you no longer want to kill him.
»

'No.  No, I don't want to kill him.'

Harmon ground his teeth.  'Don't tell
me
, Leeth, tell Nelson.'

'No, I don't want to kill you, Nelson.'

'She doesn't sound too sure about that.'

'Nelson, why don't you let us in, and Leeth can reassure you face to face?'

'
Rip
my face off, more likely.  Nah, I'm happy for her to apologize to me from there.'

'Good,' Leeth said, 'then I won't have to see your pasty little face,' she snapped.

Harmon stared blackly at the girl, before turning back to the door, ignoring Leeth's remark.  'I can assure you that Leeth has only come to say she is sorry, and won't hurt you.  Wouldn't you rather make her do that personally?'