Hardpressed (22 page)

I’d lost people before. I knew how to say goodbye, forever. But I couldn’t remember anything hurting like this before. My reason for living, for waking up in the morning, anything that had kept me hoping before had been stripped from me. But I knew I’d survived this kind of devastation before.

Somewhere in the depths of my soul, I stopped bleeding. The relentless pulsing pain slowed, and the memory of who we’d been together became another scar.

I knew how to live with scars.

I wiped away the last tear, swallowing down the urge to cry until I went numb, my body’s natural reaction when faced with unrelenting emotional pain. My love for Blake had changed, becoming a dark and bittersweet memory forever imprinted on my past. My greatest love had become my greatest loss.

“You staying late again?”

James took a seat across from my desk. It was the end of the day and we were the only ones left. More and more days were ending this way. I couldn’t stop myself.

“Thinking about it,” I said.

“I don’t know what the numbers are, but I’m pretty sure you don’t need to be pushing yourself this hard.”

“I don’t mind long hours. Keeps me out of trouble.” I was only half-joking. I wasn’t exactly resigned to the new life Daniel wanted for me yet. Not that he’d given me a choice, but I had agreed to meet with his team in a few days. I’d been dissecting their marketing plan in the meantime and trying to game plan strategies that would allow me to contribute in a capacity that would satisfy Daniel without writing off my own business.

“You’re going to burn out. Do you realize that?” James leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees and bringing his hands to his chin.

“Why do you care, James? Honestly. I’m not putting it off on you guys.”

“I wouldn’t mind it if you did. Sometimes you just don’t seem very happy.”

I sighed. “Does it really matter? Happy or not, I’m here and we’re getting things done.” Who cares if I wanted to work myself into the ground? That was my prerogative.

“Actually I don’t think it’s good for you or the business. If you break down, who do we have? The team’s not big enough to sustain without you. If you keep going like this, you’re going to be worthless in another week or two. Then what? What if something goes down and we really need you?”

“You’re making a big deal out of nothing,” I muttered, wondering what I could say for him to ease up.

As closely as I was working with Risa, I definitely had a better connection with James. When it came to work, he seemed to understand what I was looking for without really asking. A silent rapport that builds between two people who work closely for a long time already seemed to exist between us, and somehow that made this line of questioning more tolerable. But he couldn’t possibly begin to understand my life right now.

“All right, will you at least take a break? Let me take you out for something to eat.”

“I’m not hungry.” I wasn’t. I rarely was these days. I’d probably be waif thin like Sophia in no time, but not by choice. I simply had no appetite for food, or much else, for that matter.

“Okay, how about a walk. Just give me an hour and then I’ll leave you alone, I promise.”

I rolled my eyes.

“Please?”

He gave me an innocent but determined look that was hard to resist. I couldn’t fathom why he cared so much, but I couldn’t deny that it pulled at my heartstrings a bit.

I pushed away from my desk. “Fine. One hour. I have to finish edits on these contracts tonight.” I didn’t, but if pretending like I was fine for an hour meant getting out from under his relentless interrogation into my mental health, I would do it.

We walked down the block and James stopped in front of his motorcycle. He unhooked a helmet and handed a second one to me from a different compartment.

“Uh, no. I don’t do motorcycles.”

“I’ve been riding since I was a teenager. I promise you’ll be safe. I’ll go slow.”

“This wasn’t part of our deal.”

“There were no clauses about motorcycles. Jesus, Erica, you’ve been writing too many contracts.” He gave me a little smirk that melted my anger. “You gave me an hour. Relax, okay? It’ll be fun.”

I reluctantly put on the helmet, feeling a little ridiculous. He helped me buckle it and gave me a little pat on the top of the head that only added to my self-consciousness. I carefully took the seat behind him and we started moving.

The engine roared to life. He grabbed my hand and wrapped my arm around his waist.

“Hold on!”

I did, not caring how unprofessionally close it meant we’d be. I was suddenly and perhaps irrationally petrified of flying off as he eased out onto the street and propelled us ahead. I held on tight, trying not to totally freak out. He covered my hand with his own and gave it a squeeze.

I had no idea where we were going and didn’t bother asking. I finally relaxed a little, not enough to loosen my hold on him but enough to feel the thrill of the speed. We zipped through the busy city streets and past the cars that were still stuck in the rush hour traffic heading home after work.

We drove until we were riding along the ocean. The beach was mostly empty, dotted with a few runners and people kite surfing farther away from the shore. James parked and helped me off. We walked down to the beach together, slipping off our shoes at the end of the path.

The air was perfectly warm with the ocean breeze blowing over us. The waves crashed gently onto the shore. I didn’t come to the ocean much, but whenever I did, I had a really hard time worrying about anything. Something about the hypnotic and soothing motion of the waves and the endless horizon of the sea washed away the noise and the stress that had taken up residence in my mind. Even now, with everything I was dealing with, I felt a rare sense of peace.

I wanted to hold onto that for as long as I could. I made a silent mental note to get out here more. The long train ride would be worth it.

“Let’s go in.”

I laughed. “Are you kidding? Do you have any idea how cold it is in there?”

“I know exactly how cold it is. I’ve been swimming in the ocean up here all my life. Come on, don’t wimp out on me.” His lips curled up into a mischievous smile.

“No, thanks. I’ll stick with heated pools and warmer seas.”

He stripped off his shirt. The dark ink that peeked out under his sleeves was on full display now, the flames of an ornate design licking across his skin. He was undeniably gorgeous. He wasn’t as lean as Blake, but he was definitely toned. He’d spent a few hours in the gym, I guessed.

“You know what they say about salt water.”

I shot my gaze back up to his, embarrassed that I’d been gawking. People could look at tattoos, right? That was normal.

“What do they say about it?” My eyes wandered again.

“Ocean and tears are the cure for all ills. One dip in that ocean, and you’ll be as good as new.” He stood there before me half naked in his board shorts.

I tore my gaze away and drew a line in the sand with my bare toe. Ocean and tears, huh? If that were true, I’d be cured for all the tears I’d cried over these past couple weeks.

Before I could get lost in my own thoughts again, James hoisted me up and over his shoulder. The sand traveled below us too quickly as he carried me to the water.

“No, James. Let me go!” I screamed, trying to be legitimately angry, but I laughed as he waded in. I rotated my shrieks with uncontrollable laughter, kicking and trying to wriggle free from his grasp. He was past his waist now and I was really starting to worry. He wouldn’t really throw me in, would he?

“James, stop, don’t you dare! Put me down!”

“Whatever you say boss.” With that, he tossed me in, giving me just enough air so that I crashed loudly into the water. I sucked in a quick breath. The cold ocean water rushed around me, shocking my senses. I let myself sink until I nearly touched the sandy bottom. The buoyancy of my body and the undulation of the ocean brought me back to the surface a moment later.

I filled my lungs with another breath as James swam away. I smiled and swam after him as fast as my arms and legs would take me. He was going to get it now. He turned just in time for me to catch him. I leveraged myself on his shoulders and tried to push him down into the water with all my strength. The effort was pointless. Humoring me, he feigned the dunk. He disappeared under the water.

I stood there and waited. I tried to follow his path but lost him, feeling anxious and oddly giddy. The moment lasted long enough that I started to worry a little. I scanned the waters around me. Then his arms banded around my thighs and lifted me out of the water. I screamed again and giggled. He loosened his hold, and I slid down his body, slowly and, damn it, suggestively. There was nothing between us but the thin cotton of my clothes—leaving little to the imagination.

My smile slipped at the sensation. My heart ratcheted up, my body coming alive in a familiar way. The water didn’t seem so cold anymore. The waves lapped against our skin as he held me firmly. The bright blue of his eyes darkened slightly as his gaze dropped to my mouth. I was panting softly. Definitely from the swimming and the shock of being thrown in the water, I assured myself. Except I couldn’t catch my breath now, and the hand that wasn’t holding me close to him slid down my thigh, catching me at the knee to hook me around his waist. My hands were frozen on his shoulders. I was afraid to move. He positioned my other leg so I was completely wrapped around him, my lips inches from his.

“God, you’re beautiful,” he whispered.

He brushed his fingertips along my cheekbone and down my jaw, the way he had at the office after I’d met with Daniel. Except his eyes weren’t filled with concern. They were filled with something far more serious, a hunger that was slowly working its way through me. My fingers itched to move, but I resisted.

My eyes closed, and a vision of Blake passed behind them. The familiar pain shot through me, like an ice pick through my heart. I winced and untangled myself from James’s body. Without waiting for a reaction, I ducked under the water as he had, swimming as fast as I could toward the shore.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
This was the absolute last thing I needed right now.

I stepped clumsily out of the water, the pull of the tide nearly knocking me over as I tried moving in the opposite direction. Stepping into the air chilled me further, but the sun was still high in the sky. I wrung out my shirt, shorts, and my hair as best I could. Lying down on the warm sand, I welcomed the healing heat of the sun. I closed my eyes against the brightness and tried to concentrate on the sound of the waves.

My breathing slowed, and I idly wondered if my hour was up yet. What the hell was I doing? This was wrong. Way wrong.

James lay down beside me with a quiet rustle of his shorts and a shaky exhale. I opened one eye to see him lying on his side. He was propped up on his elbow looking at me, a pensive frown marking his beautiful face.

“There it is again.” His voice was quiet.

“What?”

“That look. I was really hoping that somehow I could make that go away, but there it is again.”

I sighed and draped my arm over my eyes. I wanted to melt away, wash away like the sand in the tide. “I’m sorry.”

“Why would you be sorry?”

I should just get this over with. Lay it out for him so we could stop dancing around it. I couldn’t handle hurting two people. Somehow I had to make him understand that we could only be friends. What if he didn’t want my friendship though?

I looked at him.

“You were right. I’ve been a mess, and right now work is the only thing keeping me from losing it completely. I’m trying to figure some things out, and focusing on work is the only way I know how to do that right now.”

“You know, it’s okay to feel messed up sometimes. Doesn’t mean you have to push everyone away though—especially the people who care about you.”

I sighed. “I know.”

James wasn’t the only one trying to get through to me. Marie had given me space, but I knew she was concerned. I still hadn’t talked to Alli, and the growing distance between us weighed on me. Still, I couldn’t bring myself to reach out to her beyond my vague texts. She was too close to Blake, and right now I needed as much distance as possible from him to keep him safe.

“This wasn’t so bad, right?”

I gave him a small smile. “This was fun. I do feel better.”

I wanted to say more, but against the advice he’d just given me, I decided that keeping him at a safe emotional distance was probably just as well. A part of me wanted to tell him that I felt more, to acknowledge the intense albeit brief moment we’d shared in the water, but to explain that it was a major breach in my non-existent company policies and procedures. But if I told him all that, I’d have to tell him how I was still hopelessly in love with my ex, who was probably tethering Sophia to a bedpost and fucking her senseless right now. Then I’d have to admit to myself that I’d probably never be over Blake, no matter how hard I tried.

*

Since we were in the neighborhood, I asked James to take a short detour on our way back into town. He drove us down the quiet street that I recognized by way of its new homes and meticulously manicured lawns. When he pulled up in front of Trevor’s house, I was shocked to find a real estate sign stuck into the overgrown lawn that marked the property as sold. Somehow the place looked even more abandoned than it had before.

The cautious relief I’d felt before disappeared. This was a bad sign, literally. The only line I had to Trevor was this place. Blake probably hadn’t dug anything valid up with the investment company in Texas since he’d never mentioned it. Then again, I hadn’t given him a chance. I was too busy breaking up with him, and now, avoiding him.

“I’m guessing this place wasn’t for sale when you came by before.”

I shook my head. “No. This isn’t good.”

“Maybe he gave up hacking and started a new life somewhere else. Took up a new career or something.”

“And put himself on the map for the first time ever? I seriously doubt it, but you get points for positive thinking.”