Hardcore Volume 3 (4 page)

I hung on the ledge for a moment, closed my eyes and pictured him there. My heart was in my throat as I hauled myself over the edge, and I scanned the rooftop as I walked to the far ledge wishing he was there. But he wasn’t.

I sat on the wide ledge and hung my legs over, dangling far over the city as the cold wind bit at my cheeks when it whipped past.
 

I just wanted to forget him. Wanted to fast forward to the time where my regret was a distant memory. Because other than living through those moments in between now and then, I had no idea how to navigate my feelings for him. I’d lost my hope, the promise of
more
. My heart was trimmed with shame and hurt.
 

He was gone, and I had no one to blame but myself.
 

As I watched the city slip into darkness, I thought of Van. Just Van — his eyes, his smile, the sound of his laugh. I wondered what he was doing, wondered if he was as broken as I was or if he’d moved on. I thought about his gallery, of his art that told the story of the truth in my heart.

It crossed my mind, as it had so many times, to go to the gallery. Not inside. Not to confront him, because I couldn’t be rejected again. But I just wanted to see him. To know he still existed. To know he was all right.

An unbidden smile touched my lips. I wanted to
stalk
him. He might have once found it funny, the irony of how he’d found me. My heart fluttered at the memory, but it dropped like a rock just as fast.

After two weeks, I thought I’d be closer to getting over him, but I had too much time to think. The penance was mine, and it seemed I wasn’t finished paying just yet.

I picked myself up and carried myself away, ran down my thoughts until found myself near his gallery, trying to convince myself that it was all right to see him. That maybe it could help me move on. But I knew deep down that was bullshit.
 

Too bad that didn’t stop me.

I stopped across the street from the gallery, heart banging as I walked the length of the roof. All I wanted was to see inside, but I was too high to see in for the cement overhang. The lights cast wide rectangles through the windows and onto the concrete, taunting me with what was inside. I should have left then. But leaving wasn’t an option, not when I was so close. I just needed a glimpse, a taste, and then I would go.

I dropped down the escape and to the street with my nerves crackling, the compulsion to see him overwhelming. When I stepped out from between the buildings, I slowed to a stop, the tension leaving me momentarily as I looked into the gallery. My thirsty eyes drank in the photographs, and I relaxed just at the sight of them.
 

Until I saw Van.
 

He sat at the counter, shoulders bent as he leaned over his laptop, the lights above him casting shadows across his jaw, his hand as he ran it through his dark hair and his chest as it rose and fell with a sigh. I couldn’t breathe. Everything I wanted was across the street and behind that glass. A stoplight changed in front of me, but I barely noticed, rooted to the spot by the sight of him.
 

He looked up. His eyes found mine, and recognition passed across his face as he stood.

I turned and ran.
 

I bounded back into the alley and climbed, took off as hard and fast as I could, hauling ass through Hell’s Kitchen like the devil himself was chasing me. In a way, I suppose he was.

My phone buzzed in my pocket, and when I was sure Van hadn’t followed me, I stopped, chest heaving. I pulled it out and froze. It was Jill.

Three missed calls and three text messages.

8:23 Hey, call me?

8:27 Are you okay? I need to talk to you.

8:29 I just saw Jade. Please, call me back.

My hands shook as I pulled up her contact. She answered on the first ring.

“Cory.” She sighed. “God, are you okay?”

“I’m fine. I was running. Tell me what happened.” I huffed, still trying to catch my breath.

“I was at the coffee shop with Sarah studying, and within, like, five minutes of sitting down, Jade walked in. She was acting so weird, Cory … wound-up, kind of twitchy. Is she on drugs?”

My thoughts took a nose dive off the Chrysler building.

“Cory?”

I shook my head. “Yeah, I’m here. What did she say?”

“Just said she wanted to check up on me, see how I was doing. Asked if I’d seen you. She told me to have you call her.”

I ran a hand over my mouth. “Fuck, Jill. Where are you now?”

“I came straight home after she left. I was so freaked out. I’ve been trying to call you but you didn’t answer, so
then
I freaked out because I couldn’t get a hold of you. Basically, I’ve just been sitting here spazzing. Do you think she’s watching me?”

“I don’t know.” I was stunned silent for a second before deciding. “I’m coming over.”

“Okay, I’ll meet you on the roof.”

I hung a hand on my hip and paced. “No, I don’t want you out. Are Mom and Dad there?”

She paused for a beat. “Yeah.”

I closed my eyes. “Okay.”

“You don’t have to come over here, Cor. Really. I’m sure everything’s fine.” The words were a plea.

My mind jumped from thought to thought almost too quickly to keep up. “It’s not fine, and I’m coming over. Call me if you need me. I’ll be there in thirty.”

“All right,” she said softly.
 

I shook my head and pressed my thumb into my temple. “I’m sorry, Jill.”

“Don’t. You didn’t do this.”

But I did.
“I’ll see you in a few, okay?”

“Okay. Be careful.”

We hung up, and I texted the rest of the girls to meet me at my parents’ to the beat of my boots as I paced the roof. And then I ran like hell.

Every jump, every step ratcheted my fury tighter, the pressure in my chest so high, it felt like a bomb had gone off in my ribcage. When I reached my parents’ roof, I found everyone there — Erin leaning over the edge, scanning the street, Morgan watching the roofs. Cher pulled me into a hug, but I was stone in her arms.

“You okay?” she asked when she pulled away.

“No. Hell no.” My voice broke, rough from the run and emotion.

“Fucking Jade.” Cher sneered. “Goddamn her. She couldn’t just walk away.”

“Have you seen her?”
 

“No, nothing,” Morgan answered and made her way over. “What do you think she wants?”

“She wants us back, same as always, but she’s really fucked herself by seeking Jill out. She knew this would get to me. She knew this would draw me out, and she was right. But I’m going to make her wish she’d been wrong.”

Morgan shook her head. “You’re not going over there right now.”

“Don’t you fucking tell me what I can and can’t do, Morgan.”

“I know you’re pissed—”

“No, I’m fucking murderous.”

She gestured to me. “That’s my point. I’ve got a better idea.”

“Better than me beating the fuck out of her?” I clenched my fists at the thought, imagined the satisfaction. “Because that feels like
exactly
what I need to do right now.”

“She’s going to keep doing this, Cory. We can’t trust her to keep her word or to leave us alone. Let’s set her up. It’s the only way to get her out of the way for good.”

The idea was so appealing, but it was probably safer for both of us if I didn’t see her. I’d already avoided jail once. To end up there because of Jade after all seemed to be a horrible waste of the opportunity I’d been given. “So, what, we call her and set up a job?” I shook my head. “I don’t know if I can pretend. I don’t know if I can see her fucking bitch face and not hurt it.”

Erin lifted her chin. “Then we’ll set her up ourselves. Either way, we’ve got a window. Let’s take it.”

I was too pissed to make a decision either way. “I can’t talk about this right now. I need to see Jill. Watch the roofs and street, and text me if you see her.”

Erin touched my arm. “Are you sure about going in there?”

“It’s fine. I’m not doing it for them,” I snapped.

“Want me to go with you?” Her eyes were big and soft.

I pulled away, barely able to hold on to control. My skin crawled from anxiety that bubbled over at her touch. “I said it’s fine. I’m fine.” I spun around and walked to the access door as guilt, fear, uncertainty tumbled through me.

My hands were ice as I pulled open the same door I’d walked in and out of a million times, though I hadn’t been inside in years, hadn’t seen my parents in longer. Nerves twisted around in my guts at the thought of facing them. But fuck them — both of them. I needed to see my sister.

I trotted down the familiar stairs and to their door, pausing for a long second before knocking.

My mother answered. The door opened only a crack, and I caught sight of one green eye and a slip of black hair. The eye narrowed.

“What the fuck are you doing here?”

“I want to see Jill.”

Jill tried to edge her way into the doorway. “Mom, I’ve got it.”

“Whatever.” Mom shot Jill a look and rolled her eyes before turning for the living room.
 

Jill pulled the door open and found her way into my arms. I squeezed her tight, closed my eyes. The smell of the apartment, the sound of my mother’s voice, it all took me right back to the years I’d spent there, holding Jill just like this. The two of us holding each other so we wouldn’t feel so alone.

She pulled away and took my hand. “Come on.”

I followed her through the apartment, my eyes locking with Mom’s as she and my father tracked me from the couch. The room was dark, their faces lit by the blue glow of the TV screen, the curling wisp of smoke from the cigarette in her hand threading ribbons in the air between us. Neither one of them moved otherwise.

We stepped into Jill’s bedroom, and she closed the door behind me. Her room was cheery and warm, papered with posters of bands from The Smiths to Taylor Swift. A massive bookshelf nearly took up one wall, jam packed with books stacked two deep. She sat down on her bed, watching me expectantly until I reluctantly sat next to her. My nerves were jacked on adrenaline and memories and absolute unease. I tried to keep still.

“You okay?” she asked.

“Everyone keeps asking me that.” I snapped, but took a deep breath to try to get my shit together, pushing all of my feelings down and away. I was there for her, to comfort
her
, and she was asking about me. My heart thawed out, and I slipped an arm around her shoulders to pull her into my side. “I’m fine. I want to know how you are.”

“I’m all right. I mean, I’m shaken up, but I’m okay. I feel a lot better now that you’re here.
 

“I’ll always come for you, Jill. Always.”

She let out a heavy breath and relaxed into me. “It was so fucked up to see her, knowing what she did to you. Imagining what she might have done to me.”

“I don’t know what’s going on, but I’m going to find out. Okay? I’m going to take care of this.”

“I don’t know what that means, and that scares me. I’m not sure I even want to know.”

“This is going to end. Soon. I’ll figure something out.”

“I don’t want her to get hurt, but I want her to leave us alone. Is there a way to have both?”

I squeezed her a little tighter. “With Jade, there is no easy way. There never was.” We sat in silence for a moment. “We’ve got to get you out of here, Jill. Move in with us.”

She pulled away with her brow quirked and wonder in her voice. “Really?”

I nodded. “Really. The only reason I didn’t take you away before was because it wasn’t safe, not with us stealing. I didn’t want to expose you to Jade on that level, either. But now that you know everything, now that we’re straight, there’s no reason for you to stay here. At least if you’re with me I can watch out for you.”

A smile stretched across Jill’s face. “But you already watch out for me.”

“Well, now I can really get in your business.”

She laughed. “I’m in. I’ve wanted this forever, ever since you moved out.” She glanced toward her bedroom door. “Do you think they’ll let me leave?”

“I wouldn’t expect them to put up a fight. They didn’t for me. We don’t really exist in their universe.”

“How soon can I leave?”

I smiled and pushed her hair over her shoulder. “Just give me a couple of days to figure out what to do about Jade, okay? I don’t want to move you until I’ve decided how to deal with her.”

Jill nodded. “Whatever you do, please, be careful.”

“Promise.” I hugged her again. “The girls are waiting for me on the roof, so I’ve got to go, if you’re okay.”

“I’m okay. Just call me later so I don’t worry.”

“I’m not going to go over there tonight, as much as I want to.”

“Probably smart. Want me to walk you out?”

I stood and looked down at her. “No, I’ll be all right. Call me if you need me.”

“‘Kay.”

The need to get the fuck out of there was overwhelming. I wanted to plan Jade’s takedown. I wanted to get away from the memories that the apartment held. I marched out of her room under the apathetic stares of my parents. Everything we wanted to say, wouldn’t say, hung between us, waiting for a trigger like a room with a gas leak waits for a spark.

I closed the door harder than I meant to, ran up the stairs and opened the door to the roof with trembling hands to find my friends waiting for me.

“She’s fine,” I said as the door swung closed behind me. I scrubbed my hands over my face. “I’m sorry for being an asshole, guys. This … this is all just way too much for me right now.”
 

“Don’t worry about it, seriously. You earned a freak-out pass.” Erin hung her hands on her hips. “What do you want to do?”

“What I want to do and what I should do are two different things.”

Morgan shook her head. “I definitely don’t think you should go over there right now.”

I paced away a couple of steps with angry energy pumping through me. “Agreed.”

Morgan jerked her chin. “Let’s run. We’ll burn you down and go home, try to sleep. Call her tomorrow. Find out what she wants. If she wants us back, let’s take a job and fuck her over the way she did you.”