- Hard Fall (23 page)

Instead of letting me be, that worrisome set of fingers yanked the blanket from around my shoulders. Cold air hit my skin. Couldn't really be bothered to yank 'em back up though.

"Get up." Kabe, the fact that it was his voice finally registered. "Come on."

Since it was Kabe, I just ordered it. "Go away."

"You need milk." He pulled the pillow off and tossed it off somewhere. Getting right up into my face, he whined, "I need coffee." Okay, maybe he didn't whine, but given I didn't want to haul my ass outta bed, that's how I called it. He poked my chest as I rolled over. "That instant shit outta your truck is okay for up in the hills, and I'll suffer today. But if I'm going to hang around here, I need my coffee." Lord almighty, that boy'd done got one of my shirts outta the closet. "You got to get up."

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He looked mighty fine. And that scared me. "I don't have a coffee maker." I growled. No sense in me having one. I didn't drink it and never knew anyone I'd have over who did.

"I know." Kabe smiled. His hair was wet and he smelled like soap. "We got to go buy one."

Rolling my head, I checked the bedside clock. Darn near eight in morning. I never slept in like that ... early to bed, early to rise, unless I'd been out on shift all night. I palmed my face and grumbled, "That's an hour to the super store over in Cedar City. Shops 'round here, well they might carry it at the general store, but it'll cost five times what it should.

And I'd just rather stay in bed." Sitting up with a yawn I added, "'Sides, I could just send you over to the gas station.

Buy some coffee there."

"Okay," Kabe grinned and leaned in. I could live with that look for a month of Sundays. "If you want everyone to know every time I stay over. I'll just tell them all, Joe sent me over

'cause he can't have a coffee maker at his place. Fine with me."

That did it. I might not have cared about much, but I didn't have the stomach to hear about my sex life in the town paper. Kabe's mouth could get me in more trouble than I really wanted to mess with. "I'm getting up." I tossed the rest of the covers off. Good Lord, I'd slept nekkid again. That boy was leading me down the path of sloth and lust. 'Course you really can't lead no one who don't want to follow. My own damn fault I was here. Nobody to blame but myself. After another yawn, I pushed him off the bed. "Go down into the kitchen and make a list."

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"A list?"

I did not want to go out. I did not want to get out of bed. I also didn't want to starve and I hadn't been shopping in too long. Swinging my feet off the edge of the bed, I glared.

"Shopping list ... gas ain't all that cheap and I don't got a paycheck for a while." I didn't really even want to think on that. "I need staples. Rice, dried beans, stuff that may not be fancy but'll keep me from starving for a bit." I could buy most staples in the local shops ... and they'd cost six times as much and come with a load of emotional baggage I weren't quite ready to deal with. At least at a mega store, two football fields wide, I could avoid people.

Kabe smiled. "Okay, Joe." He hissed a bit as he stood up.

It hit me hard: what I'd done and how I'd done it. Not the falling. That'd happened so many times. The only difference now is I'd done been caught at it. The other stuff ... losing control and taking it out on his butt. He'd done nothing to deserve a whooping like that. Probably done gonna drive him away when he sat down and thought on in. If'n he could sit down. "Kabe," I reached up and grabbed his wrist before he could walk off, "'bout last night." Maybe we just needed to put everything off a bit.

"Last night, Joe," Kabe's smile went all dreamy and kinda needful. He breathed out, "Fuck, Joe. Wow."

I had no idea where that look came from. "Wow?"

"Yeah."

"I ... ah," I figured I needed to say something, I just wasn't sure what, "went all, I don't know..." All I knew was 208

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I'd lost control. There wasn't no excuse for that. My whole life was about being in control.

Somehow he must have read in my face that I was struggling. Kabe bent down near, "Did you like what you did?"

Sure wasn't prepared for that question. I couldn't right answer for a bit. Finally, I stuttered out, "Other than the falling apart afterwards. I guess. Don't think that's how I am though." The thoughts formed into something resembling an apology. "Okay, I don't normally..."

"Any time you want."

His words hit me like a two-by-four between the eyes.

"What?"

"I liked it." Kabe licked his lips and half closed his eyes like he remembered something good. "In the truck, when you tied me up." A shudder ran all through his body. "Last night, fuck man, it's never been that intense. So we're good, anytime."

Then he got softer, those green eyes staring deep into mine.

"And, you know, the losing it. I think you had kinda a lot of reasons to. But that, too. Need me to just hold you while it comes out? I'm there."

I'd never been with no one like him before. "I don't know what to say, Kabe." I really didn't.

He bent down and kissed me, his hand drifting along my arm. "Tell me," Kabe pulled back and teased my ear with the fingers from his other hand, "that condoms and lube are staples to go on the list."

There weren't nothing much to say to that, so I just swallowed and nodded. All my protests died 'cause I just couldn't resist that look. Kabe took off down the stairs and 209

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left me to get kitted up. A few minutes of digging in my drawers and I realized I only had two types of underwear. My Temple type and a pair of silk jocks I used when I went on into Vegas. One weren't all that practical. The other I couldn't wear no more.

What was all fired stupid is I just stood there, my hand not even quite touching 'em. I couldn't pull 'em out. Couldn't shut the drawer and walk away. Couldn't do nothing but stand there and stare at a few cheap bits of cotton. It almost broke over me then, like it almost had when Pete went off on me, like it got hold when Kabe and I were done last night. My breath came up all ragged and my face burned. I grabbed the edge of the dresser and fought with my insides being ripped out.

"Joe?" Kabe's voice came up from below me. When I didn't answer right quick, he called again. "Hey, Joe?"

The geyser passed for the moment. Don't know if I could keep it locked down forever, but I could manage for the time being. "Yeah, boy?" Only a little crack in my voice seeped through.

"You know you've got like a year's worth of supplies down here?"

My hands still shaking, I pushed the drawer closed. Have to deal later with that little solid bit of my faith ... or what I wasn't allowed to call my faith no more. Right now, I just had to keep going. One foot in front of the other. "Yeah, that's in case the end times hit." Or war, floods, any of it, wasn't right ready to let the survivalist mentality go. "Don't count that in what I got. That's for real emergencies, okay?"

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It got real quiet down there, then I heard, "Whatever,"

drift from the kitchen.

I opted for nothing under my jeans and figured to put briefs on the list. I wandered down the stairs shoving my arms into a flannel shirt. Felt odd not putting on the uniform and going to work. Felt real odd not having two T-shirts under my shirt and leaving my balls to swing in the breeze.

Kabe sorted through my cabinets while I took care of morning business. Then we packed it into my truck ... us, a couple empty propane tanks, and my big cooler for stuff that needed to be iced down. Before we hit the main road, I swung by the gas station so Kabe could get coffee for the trip.

Then we headed down the mountain toward Cedar City. I tried to pretend that this was just a day off for me. Couldn't quite get past the fact that I'd been suspended. No amount of pretending would do it.

Cain't say I was the best company that morning.

We made town while it was still kinda early. My plan was to get in and out as fast as possible. I dropped over at the big propane place first and filled up my tanks. Didn't know how long my suspension would last. Best to stock up while I had money in the bank. Then we headed over to the big super store.

It just felt all weird and domestic shopping with Kabe. I mean, there we were in a sea of Moms toting babies and Daddies with their sons and he and I are standing in the small appliance isle choosing a coffee maker. Almost ran out screaming about that point. As we shopped, we ran into a few people I knew. Some, some wouldn't look me in the eye. Few 211

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others just said, "hello," and moved on like the world was normal. Guess for most people, they didn't much pay attention to the rumors ... truth in this case. Either that or they didn't much care one way or t'other. I'd like to think that was the majority.

Kabe shook his head as we walked out with supplies. "I can't believe I can buy a shotgun at the sporting goods counter," he waved back at the entrance, "but the safe sex shit is like hidden in this little corner."

"Welcome to Utah." I dropped the first bag in the bed of my truck. "Go ye forth and multiply. Not supposed to have anything stand in the way of that."

Kabe handed over the coffee maker. "I don't think we're using it to keep from multiplying." That got me snorting.

Perishables—milk, eggs, butter and cheese—I loaded those into the cooler and dumped the bag of ice on top. Even in summer it'd keep it fresh enough on the drive home. Dried and canned goods didn't need any special treatment, I just wanted to make sure nothing too light sat where it'd get blown out. We'd almost finished the sorting and packing when I heard someone step up. Something about it, the way the walk sounded or just maybe the hate rolling in waves. I could tell it was Ramon before he opened his mouth.

"Well, lookit who decided to show his face 'round here."

"Ramon," I took a deep breath and turned. There he was in BLM brown. Bent-billed ball cap perched on his head. "I don't need no grief from you." I sure didn't need his attitude right then. Lord must've been testing me. The only thing 212

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worse could have been a confrontation with the sisters from the Relief Society. "Just leave me be."

"Big, bad Deputy Joe." Ramon rocked back on his heels and smirked. "Oh wait, you're on suspension. I think I heard that somewhere about. So I guess it's just plain ol' Joe." He paused, stuck his hands in his pockets then leered. "Joe who likes to suck other men's privates."

I stepped toward him and snapped. "You keep a civil tongue in your head." I may not have been a deputy right then, but I still had an obligation to maintain the peace.

"There's women and children here and they don't need to listen to your filthy tongue."

"Ain't my tongue that's filthy from what I hear." Ramon hissed.

A few people had stopped and were staring. I didn't want them to have no cause to. "We just came to buy some things and get on our way." Kabe started to move and I wasn't sure where or why. I put my hand on his chest, kinda pushed him back against the truck. Knew full well that I could handle myself with Ramon, but I didn't want anyone else in the middle of it.

"I don't think they carry that safe sex shit," he sneered it out, his face looking like he'd sucked on a bushel of lemons,

"that's homosexual shit after all." Ramon's voice went all high pitched and he waggled his hips. "Or is it a bra and panties for that little ex-con you're treating like a woman?"

Kabe jerked against me. I shot him a glare and mouthed the word
parole.
That got it through to Kabe and he backed up some. Didn't look too happy about it though.

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Ramon just kept going. "They got some pretty colors of lip gloss back by the counter. He'd probably look real sweet in it." Ramon thought he was right funny by the way he was laughing. "You could share it with him while you're being all unnatural."

"You back off. You already caused me a world of hurt."

Why Ramon was all up and hateful, I didn't know. I know why he'd said something, spread the gossip ... 'cause he'd had it first. Ramon wanted to be first out the gate and damn the consequences. "I'd think that'd be enough to put in your bank." But this, this getting in my face wasn't his style.

Ramon sowed poison behind people's backs then stood off where he wouldn't get hurt to watch.

"My how the mighty have fallen." He chortled. "Not so big when they take away your badge."

"What did I ever do to you, Ramon? I always treated you fair. What have you got against me?"

"Besides you're a filthy homo? Everyone saying how all wonderful you are." Ramon glared and it weren't pretty.

"Jessie Dane all over you. Joe Peterson this and Joe Peterson that. Now it's Joe Peterson sucks dicks."

I'd never thought I was in a race for Jessie with Ramon. "If that's your deal. Guess what. Now you know, competition's gone." I knew he liked her, but as I didn't, not in that way, I'd never put the two together, really. Maybe I should have. "I ain't got no designs on her, she's a nice gal. Y'all have fun." I made to go around him so's I could get to the driver's side of the truck.

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As I moved, Ramon did too, planted himself right in my path. "You should see how she's been crying lately." He hissed it out. "You know what you did to her?"

I couldn't be responsible for her fantasies. I'd never tried to lead her on, unless me being the same guy I was to everybody was leading her on. "Not a darn thing." I spit it back. Stepped away, toward the other side this time. "I ain't never touched her. Never even made like I wanted to."

"'Course not." He jumped 'round again, got in my face.

"You're all after that
thing
there."