Happily Ever After (23 page)

I
TRAILED MY LIPS DOWN
Maxon’s neck, wishing it didn’t seem like work. He was handsome enough, and funny on occasion. For goodness’ sake, he was the prince. Shouldn’t that make every last second exciting?

More than anything, I just felt tired. The effort it took to be like this all day every day wasn’t sustainable. My hope was that once I won, I could be myself all the time. I was softer than this, quieter than this. But if I let up now, I sensed it would all be over.

With Maxon I always needed to be on. I had to be charming, entertaining, sexy, poised, and a thousand other qualities girls are expected to have all at one time. And while I knew I was capable of being every last one of those things, it was nice to take turns and switch off the humor for a moment to
be sad or turn off sultry and be cute.

And when I wasn’t with him, I had to be on constant guard with the other girls. It was getting easier since Marlee eliminated herself and Natalie was too ditzy to be a real threat. I’d put Elise under so much pressure that I was sure she’d crack any day now, and America’s spirit had been broken ever since the people turned on her. It was going to come down to Kriss and me—I knew it. She was the only thing standing between me and eternal fame.

I dug my nails in Maxon’s hair and shivered a little when his fingers traveled down the length of my bare back. It wasn’t a terrible feeling, but I could tell within the depths of myself that something was missing here.

My body went into autopilot, running a hand across his chest and teasing him with my lips as my brain worked overtime.

Maxon was a gentleman . . . but he was still a man. How many sweet words would it take to get him out of this hallway and into my bedroom? If I’d timed things right—and I felt pretty sure I had—this night could take me to the end without much more work. A prenuptial pregnancy would require the Selection to come to an abrupt halt and a wedding to follow immediately after. And I knew he wanted children. After all, he talked about it all the time. He probably wouldn’t even mind.

I wrapped my leg around him, sighing. Maxon seemed blissfully content as he lowered his mouth to my ear.

“I’ve never really kissed anyone quite like this.”

“But you do it so well!” I teased, leaning back into him.

I could get him upstairs, I was sure of it. He was desperate for this attention, desperate to feel
something
. I’d be able to give him that.

I moved my lips back down to his neck, and he tilted to make it easier. I giggled and kissed him again, listening to him sigh.

Had I done my job so well that he really loved me? He was so happy here, so grateful for my kisses, he must. The only alternative was that he was as lonely as I was, and anyone would do for now. But, again, he was a gentleman.

I felt his body turn to stone, as if he suddenly lost interest.

No, no, no!

I moved up, biting his ear, something that he’d seemed to enjoy. I kissed his chin, ahhing as I went. I moved my hands down his arms, trying to lace his fingers with mine. . . .

Nothing worked.

I pulled back and looked sweetly into his eyes. “Something wrong, honey?”

He was staring into the dark, and I turned to see what he was looking at. As far as I could tell, the hall was empty.

“I have to go,” he announced.

“What? No, wait,” I pleaded as he began to move. “I have a wonderful evening planned for us. There’s so much more I want to show you.”

Maxon paused, gazing at me in confusion. “Show me?”

“Yes.” I got close to him, my nose brushing up against his cheek. “In my room.”

I pulled back to look into his eyes. I wished I could have seen what was happening in his mind, but it didn’t appear to be a debate. More like he was searching for the kindest way to let me down.

“I apologize. My behavior tonight wasn’t appropriate, and I led you on. You are a very beautiful girl.” He smiled. “No doubt you’re aware. Still, I shouldn’t have. . . . I’m sorry. Goodnight.”

Maxon rushed up the stairs before I could think of a way to lure him back, taking the steps two at a time.

What. Just. Happened?

I slipped off my heels, scurrying up the stairs. An apology was not an explanation, and I demanded one. I could hear his hurried footsteps, and I chased after him, prepared to give him a piece of my mind. At the second-floor landing I hid behind the corner as I watched him turn down a hallway on the far end of the wing. Only one person was left on that side of the floor.

After everything that just happened, he was running off to America Singer?

I stormed down to my room, slamming the door behind me.

“My lady?” Veda asked. I threw a shoe at her, followed quickly by the other.

“GET OUT!” I screamed. “All of you! Out!”

My maids covered their heads and ran, trying to escape before anything else could hit them.

I tore pages out of books and flung canisters of scented powder at the wall. I pulled at my hair and ripped the sheets off the bed. I looked around, searching for things to ruin. Nothing in the room was really mine . . . except for my dresses. I sat on the floor of my closet shredding chiffon and lace and satin. It felt good to destroy something.

I needed scissors! That would make this so much better.

I went over to my vanity, scouring my drawers for the trimming shears Veda used on my split ends.

And I caught a glimpse of my reflection.

I was covered in sweat, lip gloss smeared from kissing a boy I didn’t love, in the dark. My hair was a bird’s nest, and my eyes were wild.

I’d never looked so ugly.

“What are you doing?” I whispered to the unrecognizable girl. I shook my head at her, nothing but pity for this very beautiful thing who had turned into a monster.

I dropped everything in my hands back into the drawer and went to the shower. I shed my Band-Aid of a dress and crawled in, letting the water hit me as I rested on the porcelain.

He went to America. He got all worked up with me and ran off to her. Did he have her up against a wall now? Did he have her in the bed?

I dismissed the thought. Whatever he was, she was too pure to be swayed.

I wasn’t jealous. I wasn’t even irritated. More than anything, I felt dirty.

Was this worth it?

After all this time in the spotlight, a lifetime of being adored, I refused to fade into the background.

As princess, as queen, I would be remembered forever. I needed that. . . .

But was it worth sleeping with someone who I didn’t really care about? Having a baby that I didn’t really want?

I sat up in the shower, lifting my head to the spray, rinsing off the thought. Maybe I owed one to America for saving me from myself tonight. Not that I’d ever tell her.

Toweling off, I walked back into my room, shocked at the mess I’d made. I remembered doing it, but I didn’t think it was that bad.

First things first. I brushed out my hair. I couldn’t have it all knotted. I put lotion on and found a decent robe.

Then I went over to the buzzer, calling for Veda. I wondered how quickly she’d come after I threw a shoe at her head.

Looking around the room, there were a handful of things I could take care of myself. I remade the bed and tidied up my vanity. By the time Veda showed up, hands pressed to her chest in worry, I’d done all I could.

“You’ll need a broom,” I told her as she stared at the mess. “And . . . bring a second for me.”

She brought them back faster than I’d have thought possible, and I worked on the paper while she took care of the
powder. I bundled up the ruined dresses for her, and she picked the scraps off the floor.

“Sorry,” I whispered.

Her eyes widened. I’d yet to apologize for anything.

“Don’t worry, my lady. We can always use the extra pieces.”

When my room looked normal again, I crept into bed, more tired than I’d ever been. It wasn’t just this one day weighing on me—it was dozens.

I couldn’t give up. But it was becoming clear I also couldn’t carry on. Not like this.

Love was not in the equation. I could live with that. But how could I make myself more valuable to Maxon than someone he did love? I had plenty of prized qualities. I simply had to make him see. I had to show him that I could be queen.

“D
O YOU THINK SHE
’
LL COME
back?” Elise wondered aloud, slipping her feet into another pair of shoes. I thought that particular pair had been given to me, but there were so many presents, it was hard to keep track. We hadn’t even bothered to pull any of it out of the parlor that Maxon had set aside for us to have our own Christmas celebration, just him and the Elite. Hers or mine, I wasn’t going to fight about it. We were well past that now.

“She’ll come back,” I insisted. “She’s not a quitter.”

Kriss pulled the fur wrap across her shoulders, a definite sign she was leaving if anyone asked me. Why in the world would Maxon give her
fur
if he was planning to keep her in Angeles?

“I don’t think her quitting is really the issue,” she mused. “It’s more about her being able to bounce back. You saw
how she was after Marlee left, and this is her dad. I’d be a wreck.”

“Me, too.” Elise confessed.

“Same.” I looked at the pile of gifts, wondering if Maxon would give me a spare suitcase to take it all home. Surely I’d be heading there any day now. If anyone sat Elise, Kriss, America, and me side by side, I’d still easily look like the obvious choice for a princess. I could admit there was a part of me that held out hope I would somehow pull it off. . . .

But I knew—maybe even before Maxon knew himself—that it would be America.

The last vestiges of my vanity needed it to be her. The thought of losing to anyone but her sent me into a tailspin. She was my only worthy competitor.

She was also, maybe, my only friend.

I didn’t think she’d call me that, not when she had sisters and still talked about Marlee as if she was around. But that was fine. I didn’t need anyone to call me her friend at the moment. Having someone to call mine was enough.

Maybe I could work on that once I got home. I could bribe my way in with some of these jewels, probably.

“Let’s make a promise,” Kriss said. “Next year, no matter where we are, let’s all send one another Christmas cards.”

I smiled. I was going to get cards next year.

“America would like that, I think,” Elise added. “Something to take her mind off the sadness this season will have.”

“Excellent point, Elise. It’s a promise.” She and I shared
a look. It was unlikely I’d ever have her true forgiveness, but to speak to her amicably was a huge step, more than I deserved.

“Should we send for some baskets?” Kriss asked. “I don’t even know how to begin getting all this to my room.”

“He’s too generous,” I said, meaning it in the core of my heart. Maxon Schreave had been too good to me.

“Who’s too generous?”

We all turned at the sound of Maxon’s voice, rising from our seats.

“You, of course,” Kriss gushed. “We’re still trying to sort through this pile of gifts.”

He shrugged. “I’m just pleased you liked them.”

“All very thoughtful.” Elise’s voice got so much quieter when he was around.

He smiled at us in turn, looking into each of our eyes purposefully before clearing his throat.

“Elise, Kriss, would you please return to your rooms? I need to speak with Celeste alone. And I’ll be coming to visit each of you shortly.”

My body went cold. This was it! Everything was coming to a close, and he was going to tell me now. I wondered if this was what it felt like right before you faint.

“Certainly.” Kriss curtsied and headed to the door, an anxious Elise following her.

Maxon and I both watched her scuttle away, her jet-black hair hiding her face as if we wouldn’t notice her as long as
there was no eye contact. Once she was gone I giggled a little, and Maxon shook his head.

“I think I bring out her nerves.”

I rolled my eyes. “Everything brings out her nerves, but you’re certainly the worst.”

He narrowed his eyes. “But I’ve never made you nervous. Not even in the beginning.”

I smirked. “I’m not the type to get easily intimidated.”

“I know.” He circled around, coming to the couch I’d been using. “Sit, please.” I joined him, smoothing my dress. “That’s been one of my favorite things about you, actually. I admire your tenacity, your hunger to live. I think it will serve you well.”

“After I leave the palace, you mean?”

His smile dwindled. “Yes. After you leave the palace.” He shook his head. “There’s no hiding anything from you, is there?”

I pressed my lips together, trying so hard not to cry. Part of me felt relieved, but a bigger part was crushed.

I lost.

“I intended to explain everything before that came out. I still can if you like.”

Have my list of faults read aloud? No, thank you.

“It’s fine,” I answered in the most cheerful voice I could muster. “Wait, is it Kriss, then? I mean, America’s gone, and you can see how fragile Elise is.”

Maxon straightened up. “I’m not at liberty to comment
on the possible winner. But America is on her way back to the palace.”

“She is?” I asked breathlessly. I was thrilled! Because I knew her returning meant she won. If he didn’t want her, he wasn’t cruel enough to bring her all the way back to the palace for a rejection.

“Yes, she should be here tomorrow.”

“Will . . . Do I have to leave right away, or can I stay to see her?”

I saw the confusion flicker across his eyes. While I had dealt with Elise in more direct ways, my method of taking down America involved subtle digs at her in front of Maxon. Well, maybe not always subtle. No doubt my excitement to see her again was a surprise to him.

He leaned across the couch, placing a hand on my knee. “You’re not leaving yet. I’ve invited everyone back for a last hurrah.”

I covered my mouth, shocked and pleased. There were so many apologies owed on my part that I never thought I’d have the opportunity to give. Without even knowing it, Maxon was too good to me one last time.

“All the Selected will be here for a personal gathering, and then we’ll have a banquet and make the final announcement.”

I placed my hands on his, tears brimming in my eyes. “I want to sit here and tell you that I would have been good for you. I want to tell you I would have been so loyal, so
proud. . . .” I shrugged. “Truth is, I would have been good for me. I don’t know if I can love someone, not the way you love her.”

Even without saying America’s name, I could see the way the light changed in his eyes at the thought of her. “I think you can. Maybe not today,” he conceded with a pointed look.

I chuckled.

“And there’s no need for you to right now. Love only yourself a little bit longer, until you can’t stand not to love someone else.”

I nodded. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”

I wiped at my eyes, making sure to keep my makeup in place. “Listen, when you tell Elise, be gentler than you think you need to be. She’s . . . I don’t know what she’ll do.”

His brows knit together. “I’m going to see her next. The conversation with Kriss will be a happy one, and I knew you were too tough to let it bring you down. But I’m worried about Elise.”

“Maybe bring some booze?”

He laughed. “I might just.” He gazed into my eyes. “Are you all right?”

“Surprisingly . . . yes? It’s kind of nice for it to be over. And I’m happy for . . . other people.”

“I think big things are on the horizon for you.”

“Maybe. Look, let’s not drag this out. I’m fine, really. And you have some other girls you need to speak to.”

He sighed. “I do.” Leaning in, Maxon gave me a last kiss on the cheek. “I will never forget your fire. I can’t wait to see what you do.”

With that he pulled away, exiting the room with only the smallest look back.

I leaned onto the couch, disappointed and grateful at the same time. America had told me I didn’t need a man to get what I wanted, and she was right. Maxon told me to love myself a little bit longer, and that was good advice.

I’d walk out of this strong, dignified. I was in the top four of the Elite. That was no small accomplishment. And I was still young, still pretty, still ambitious. There would be more for me.

I sat up and surveyed the room. Elise, in her dash to get away, had left the golden shoes on the floor. I reached over and put them on.

They fit like a dream. Whatever she thought, I remembered opening the box with these shoes inside, and they were definitely mine. I stood, walking in them back to my room.

They were the perfect shoes to take steps into a new life, one that would start when America became Maxon’s fiancée and I left the palace.

For the first time maybe ever, it didn’t matter if I looked beautiful or not. I felt it.