Hanna's Awakening (9 page)

“Go on,” he whispered.

The German Shepherd reluctantly obeyed, traipsing through the door with her tail low.

“Hanna.” Ben went to her, scooping her up to cradle her in his arms. She pushed at his chest and squirmed against his attentions.

“I want to know you!” she screeched. “I want to know you and you won’t speak of your past. I don’t know of your family, your friends, or why you live out here alone. But even though I don’t know you, I’m not ready to leave. Eli wrote his phone number in the letter, and I wanted to call him to tell him not to rush. To give me more time. To give us more time together. But how can I do that when you have so many secrets?”

Every muscle in his body tensed, and a chill moved through him. He grabbed her wrists, holding one in each hand to prevent her escape. Her eyes flamed wildly, and her face glimmered pale as a ghost in the lingering moonlight. The chorus of nighttime insects swelled around them, seemingly louder as the seconds ticked by and the tension between them escalated to a sizzle.

Ben had no choice. He had to tell her. To toss his secrets at her feet and hope for the best.

He wasn’t sure where or how to begin, but he started talking.

“I’m from a small town in West Virginia, Hanna. I lived there my whole childhood, went to college nearby, moved back and got married. I owned a computer repair shop with my wife, and the shop was in the bottom of our house. One night I heard a crash and thought someone was breaking in, so I grabbed my gun.” His voice cracked, and his heart trembled to see Hanna’s face grow whiter. “When I reached the top of the stairs, I thought I saw a man walking up, and when I told him to stop, he kept moving up the stairs, almost running. It was dark. I didn’t turn on any lights and it was so fucking dark.”

“What happened?” She was no longer struggling to escape his lap, and she regarded him like a child watching the scariest part of a horror movie. Sympathy also shone in her eyes, as if she knew what Ben was about to confess to.

“I shot at him. The sixteen-year-old boy who lived next door. His name was Devon. The… the bullet only grazed his temple, but he fell backwards down the steps and cracked his skull open. He died three days later.”

Ben felt like he was outside of his body as he described the following weeks to Hanna, which led to his exile in these woods. Devon had been the all-American boy—star of the football team, a straight-A student, leader of his youth group at church, and he’d already had a full scholarship to college. After a lengthy investigation, authorities deduced that Devon had been returning from a party that night, and he’d been so intoxicated that he’d entered the wrong house through a back door. Ben was painted as the bad guy. The community he’d spent his whole life in ostracized him, even his wife, Carmen. Reporters called day and night, and a few local new stations had a field day with the story. After his divorce was finalized, Ben’s only goal had been to find a quiet, secluded place to live out the rest of his life. A place far away from accusing eyes. A place where no one would know a thing about him. A place where his past wouldn’t haunt him. So he’d moved to Bum Fuck, Pennsylvania.

“That’s why I live out here alone. That’s why I don’t have a phone. There’s no one I need to talk to. I made a mistake. A terrible one.”

Hanna remained frozen, holding his gaze with an expression he couldn’t place. But it must be disgust. How else would she look at him? Her people abhorred violence and weapons.

He gently lifted her and placed her back on the glider. After one last stroke of her hair, which she didn’t lean into the way she normally did, he stood up and headed for the front door. Pausing, he glanced back over his shoulder, feeling another chill creep up his back. “Now you know me, Hanna.”

Lady scampered past him as he entered the house, no doubt going where she was needed most. Ben returned to his office and stared out the window. The outlines of the trees transpired after a short time, and the stars above faded one by one. Just as the sun began to rise, a cloud cover moved in, ushering in a light rain. The patter of water on the roof lulled him into a miserable trance.

What had he been thinking? That he could send Hanna away with his good image intact? Her heart would’ve been broken whether he’d confessed his misdeeds or not. At least now she had a reason to avoid him, a reason to leave. Perhaps her heart would heal sooner now that the cold, hard truth was out. The deep pangs of regret he’d felt in the moments and weeks after pulling the trigger vibrated in his chest, sharp and painful as he once again considered his actions.

He shouldn’t have fired blindly into the darkness that night. He should’ve locked the bedroom door and called the cops. Maybe he should’ve fired a warning shot, or called out one more time to Devon. The tragic incident had rocked his town and the surrounding communities. Ben wasn’t charged with murder, though most of his town had called for it. No one, not even Carmen, had been able to forgive him. He liked to think his parents would’ve, but they’d died a few years before the incident.

The rain picked up, and Ben braced a hand on the window, watching the water drops run down the pane erratically. He’d been halfway sane before Hanna had come along. She’d shaken him with her sweet spirit, and he still felt possessive of her. He still felt like she belonged to him, even though the rational part of brain told him the possibility of keeping her was officially out of reach. Perhaps the possibility of keeping her had always been out of reach and he’d been living in a fantasy world the past few weeks.

“Fuck,” he muttered, backing away from the window.

He spun around and came face to face with Hanna. The office door was wide open, and she stood in the center of the room, watching him. He wondered how long she’d been standing there in silence.

His arms tingled with the need to wrap around her, to hold her tight and never let go. His gaze bored into her as he searched for any indication of her thoughts toward him. Her mesmerizing blues had a glassy look. Her lower lip quivered, and she bit it as if to quell her crying. Long, untamed blond locks streamed around her face, and she stood up straighter as he faced her. The t-shirt and pajama pants she wore clung to her womanly form, hugging her body in all the right places. Her chest rose and fell rapidly, drawing attention to her full breasts and nipples straining against her shirt.

“I don’t understand,” she said, reaching for his hand. Her gentle touch soothed his sorrow, if only a little.

“What don’t you understand?” He thought he’d spelled it out pretty clear on the porch. He’d killed a man. A boy. He’d been violent in the worst way in her people’s eyes.

“I don’t understand why your town pushed you away. You confessed. You said you were sorry. And it was an accident. You didn’t know it was a boy.”

“My town pushed me away because of what I did. It makes no difference to them whether or not I’m sorry.”

Her brows knitted together and she glanced to his chest. “I… I still don’t understand.”

Her reaction left Ben perplexed. “How would your people handle a murder?” he asked. “What if your father killed a neighbor, or one of your brothers? What would happen?”

She didn’t blink at his question. “A period of shunning might occur, depending on the sin, but no one is pushed away permanently. Any crime, any sin, is forgiven if the sinner confesses to the bishops and asks for forgiveness.”

“That’s crazy.”

Tears welled in her eyes. “Yes, I suppose it is.” She reached for his face and caressed his cheek. “Eli told me we cover up crimes in order to keep the English out of our affairs. He says he believes we are just as violent and sinful as the English though, and that’s why he wasn’t afraid to leave. He always told me not to fear the outside world. He said he’d rather live in a world with few secrets than a world steeped in them.”

Ben grinned. “He was pretty smart for a sixteen-year-old kid.”

She returned his smile, though her eyes remained watery, and her voice shook with emotion. “I think it’s time you bought a phone.” She rose up on her toes to kiss his cheek. “Daddy.”

A burning lump lodged in his throat and he blinked back tears of his own.
Daddy
. With a single word she’d given him more love and understanding than he’d felt in his whole life.

* * *

Darkness surrounded Hanna, and the stars sparkled in all their heavenly brilliance above. She took a sip of steaming tea and leaned back in the glider, rocking it slowly with one toe pressed to the porch. The hot liquid rolled down her throat, spreading out from her center and warming her insides.

After the emotionally draining day she’d had, she needed this bit of respite. She also needed some thinking time before she called Eli. She planned to call him tomorrow afternoon, and hoped he hadn’t already left for Pennsylvania.

What would she tell Eli? And Daddy? She had to make a decision. One would take her far across the country to an unfamiliar place, but she’d be with her brother. The other would keep her close to Daddy, though only miles away from the childhood home she wished to forget. Of course, she didn’t want to forget all of it. She missed the children, her nieces and nephews, and little cousins. She even missed stubborn Sarah, as well as Abram and Jacob. She didn’t miss her daat though. Or the suffocating house and the pressure to join the church.

She shivered and reached for the blanket she’d brought outside. The same fleece blanket Daddy had wrapped around her the night she’d learned all about desire. She draped it over her shoulders, careful not to spill the tea, and stared up at the beautiful night sky as if it held the answers to her problems.

She couldn’t even think of Ben Foster as Ben Foster anymore. The thought of calling him Mr. Foster felt odd. She liked the way Daddy rolled off her tongue, warming her insides like the hot tea. When he called her baby girl, she gushed with joy and felt complete.

In a few short weeks, he’d given her a glimpse of all she’d been missing out on. Affection. Companionship. Kindness. And today, honesty. The daily physical contact with another person breathed life into her. A simple hug or a kiss on the cheek from Daddy filled her spirits to bursting.

The door opened, jarring her from her thoughts. Light spilled into the night as Daddy exited the cabin. He joined her on the glider, draping an arm around her shoulders. She leaned into him, wishing she could have it all. Eli. Oregon. The world. Daddy.

She shut her eyes tight and inhaled Daddy’s masculine scent, taking comfort in his strong presence. He didn’t speak, and neither did she. There was nothing to say. There was nothing to do. Except stare at the stars and listen to the sounds of the night.

Tomorrow was coming, and the next day, and the day after that too. Soon the day would come when Hanna would have to make the hardest decision of her life.

“Rise and shine, sleepyhead.” Ben pulled the sheets off Hanna, who was curled up on his side of the bed. She hadn’t spent the night in her room since he’d made love to her the first time, and she’d also taken to sleeping in later and later.

She rubbed her eyes and peered up at him, her face in a cute pout. “It’s too early.” She tried to yank the covers back up, but Ben stilled her with a swat to her bottom.

“It’s not too early. It’s almost eight. You used to wake up before six when you first came to stay with me, Hanna.”

She rubbed her backside and continued pouting. “Yes, but we stayed up late last night. It’s your fault I’m sleepy. You wore me out. Now go away and let me sleep.”

He crossed his arms and arched an eyebrow. After the emotionally intense day they’d had yesterday, he’d planned a special day for Hanna. He wanted to take care of her completely, like she was his baby girl, and he suspected she would be receptive to this treatment.

“Young lady, that is no way to speak to your daddy. Now get up, or you’ll be one sorry little girl.”

She defiantly reached down and pulled the covers over her head. “No,” she said, her voice muffled through the sheets. “Go away!”

Ben easily confiscated the covers, throwing them over the foot of the bed and out of her reach. She curled into a ball and returned her head to the pillow, closing her eyes and feigning sleep. He sat down on the edge of the bed and stroked her hair. A frustrated sigh floated up from her, and she opened her eyes and glared at him.

“We’re going to try something different today, Hanna. Well, a little different.”

“What?”

“I’m going to take care of you all day, and you’re going to let me take care of you. You’re going to be a good girl for Daddy and do everything I say without putting up a fuss.”

Confusion touched her eyes. “But you already take care of me. You’ve been taking care of me for almost a month.”

He cupped the side of her face in his hand. Desire spiraled through him at the innocence she still possessed.

“I’m going to care for you the way a daddy cares for his baby girl, Hanna. Help you get dressed, make your meals, give you a bath, read you stories. I know we don’t have much time left before Eli comes, and I want you to put all that worry out of your mind today and let me do these things for you. Do you think you can do that?”

Her confusion faded and she blinked a few times. Blushing, she met his gaze. “Yes, Daddy, I can do that.”

“Good girl.” He patted her thigh. “Now first things first. Let’s get these pajama shorts off.”

She frowned and curled back into a ball. “Why?”

“I gave you several chances to get up this morning, and you were quite grumpy. You also had a smart mouth. Little girls don’t get to tell their daddies to go away. It looks like you’ll be eating breakfast on a sore bottom.”

“Oh, Daddy, I’m sorry. Please don’t spank me. I’ll be good all day. Promise.” She peered at him, beseeching him with her big blue eyes to let her out of this punishment.

“Are you arguing with Daddy even more?” he asked, leaning down.

She huffed and sat up in bed, drawing her knees up to her chest. Ben reached for her hand, giving it a firm squeeze.

“Baby girls get spanked when they’re naughty, Hanna. Now come on. Over my knee.” He sat back and patted his lap.