Hannah's List (7 page)

Swallowing, she straightened, then sat in the chair while Pierre dealt with the fallen papers.

He didn’t say anything the entire time he was reassembling the stack. Neither did she.

When he’d finished, Pierre threw himself into his own chair. The room wasn’t big, but it was much more spacious than her tiny office at the café.

“How are you?” she asked with a small, tentative smile.

“Busy.”

In other words, he was telling her to get to the point and be on her way.

“I hadn’t heard from you,” she said, hoping the comment sounded casual and carefree.

“We agreed there’d be no contact. It was your suggestion, as I recall.”

“We did say that,” she said, nodding. If he wanted this to be strictly business, fine. “So you understand I wouldn’t be here now if it wasn’t important.”

His gaze narrowed. “Are you pregnant?”

She stared, hardly able to believe what he’d said. “You know better than to ask such a thing.”

“Do I?”

“Yes,” she flared.
She
was the responsible one. After the first week, it became abundantly clear that she’d have to be in charge of birth control. As a matter of fact, she’d continued with the pill, which was ridiculous since they hadn’t even touched in weeks.

“If you aren’t pregnant, what’s so important that you have to interrupt me in the middle of the day—on a Saturday, no less?”

Winter hadn’t stopped to consider that he might have two or three different banquets scheduled during a weekend.

Nonetheless, she forged ahead. “An interesting situation has come up that I felt I should discuss with you.”

“By all means,” he murmured with more than a hint of sarcasm.

“My cousin Hannah’s husband—”

“Your cousin who died?”

“Yes. Hannah’s husband’s name is Michael. He came to see me.”

“And?” Pierre prompted, obviously in a hurry to be rid of her.

“He wants to go out with me.” There, she’d said it. If she was looking for a reaction from Pierre, she didn’t get one; his expression didn’t so much as flicker. It was as if she’d pointed out that this spring was cooler than normal for the Pacific Northwest.

Pierre held her gaze. “We never discussed anything like this,” she felt obliged to remind him.

“How foolish of us,” he returned, his words heavy with scorn.

She didn’t respond to his unpleasant tone. “Well?” she pressed.

He shrugged. “I don’t see the problem.”

“You don’t mind?” she blurted out, unable to hide the hurt she felt.

“Why should I?”

“But…” Pain and disillusionment gathered in her chest. Rather than explain, rather than reveal how deeply his total disregard and lack of concern had cut her, Winter bounded to her feet and headed out the door.

“Winter…”

“I thought we could have a decent conversation for once,” she said, struggling to hold back her own anger.

“You come to me after weeks of silence because you want my permission to date another man?”

“I didn’t say that!”

“As a matter of fact, you did.”

“Are we going to argue about semantics?” she asked. How quickly they’d fallen back into the same old patterns. A few minutes earlier, Winter had been nearly breathless with anticipation. Now she was close to tears.

“If you want to date this other man, don’t let me stand in your way.”

“I won’t,” she said and smiled sweetly. “He’s a doctor, you know.”

“Who cares?”

“Oh, that was mature.”

“About as mature as telling me you’re dating a doctor. Just leave, Winter, before I say something I regret.”

“I’m
the one with regrets, Pierre. I never should’ve come here, never should’ve assumed that being apart would make any difference. I can see nothing’s changed. I thought I loved you…I thought you loved me, too, but I can see how wrong I was.” She rushed through the kitchen, blinded by anger and sorrow, and almost ran to the exit.

Pierre didn’t follow, and that was just as well. She’d learned the answer to her unspoken question. Pierre was completely and utterly indifferent to her. His one concern was whether she might be pregnant. He was no more ready to be a husband and father than…than the man in the moon.

Hurrying into the street, Winter paused, her pulse beating in her ear like a sledgehammer. Breathless, she leaned against the building and placed both hands over her heart.

The meeting had gone so much worse than she’d
expected. Pierre didn’t need three months to decide about their relationship. Apparently, he didn’t even need three weeks. His decision had been made. Which meant hers was, too.

It was over.

Her life with Pierre had come to an end.

If Dr. Michael Everett was interested in pursuing a relationship, then Winter needed to open her heart to the possibility.

M
onday morning I met Ritchie at the gym. The Saturday afternoon we’d spent together had lifted my spirits. Max’s softball game had gone well—his team had won—and it felt good to sit in the bleachers with the other parents and cheer on my nephew. Max, at almost nine, was a terrific kid. Afterward, the two of us played Xbox until Steph called us down for dinner. As soon as we’d finished, we both went upstairs again, eager to get back to our game. Ritchie eventually joined us, but his expertise was on a level with mine. Max beat us both.

The boy had been a great favorite of Hannah’s. She’d loved spending time with him; she used to buy him books, take him to movies and attend his Little League games whenever she could. Losing his adored aunt was hard for Max, and he hardly ever mentioned Hannah anymore. That didn’t bother me. I knew Max treasured his memories
of Hannah the same as I did. I saw her picture in his bedroom when he showed me the latest addition to his baseball card collection. My gaze fell on the photograph, and Max, ever sensitive and kind, had simply walked over and hugged me. I hugged him back. We didn’t need to talk; his gentle embrace said far more than words.

“Did you hear from Winter?” Ritchie asked as we walked out of the gym.

I’d wondered when he’d get around to asking me that. I’d just about made a clean escape, but I should’ve known my brother-in-law wouldn’t let it pass.

“She left a message on Sunday afternoon.”

“You weren’t going to tell me, were you?” Ritchie chastised.

“Nope.” No point in lying.

“That’s what I thought.” We walked toward the parking garage, and I hoped that would be the end of the subject. Wishful thinking on my part.

“You didn’t pick up, did you?” Ritchie said when I didn’t elaborate.

I was continually surprised by how well Ritchie could predict my behavior. It was almost as if he’d been sitting in the same room with me. “No,” I admitted reluctantly.

“What did she say?”

I shrugged. “Nothing much. She asked me to return the call when it was convenient.”

“How long do you suppose it’ll be before you find it convenient?”

My delaying tactic wasn’t working as successfully as I’d hoped. “I thought I’d give her a call later this afternoon.”
Maybe. I wasn’t convinced Winter and I were a good match, despite what Hannah seemed to believe.

“Don’t disappoint me,” Ritchie warned.

I was grateful when I reached my car, eager to bring this awkward conversation to a close.

“How about poker on Thursday night?” Ritchie asked.

Sometimes I swore he had radar and knew exactly how hard to push before backing off.

“Steve’s got a meeting,” he went on, “and can’t make it.”

I shook my head. I used to play with Ritchie and the other guys every Thursday. In fact, I’d been the one to instigate the poker game. Patrick O’Malley, one of my partners, Steve Ciletti, an internal-medicine specialist, Ritchie and I used to get together for poker every week. At first we took turns hosting and then we settled on Ritchie and Steph’s place because it’s centrally located and easily accessible to all of us. We never played past midnight and the wagers were friendly. I’d given up poker and all other unnecessary distractions after Hannah was diagnosed with cancer.

“I don’t think so,” I said automatically.

“Bill’s been substituting for you for two years now. Isn’t it time you rejoined the group?”

“Maybe I will,” I said. I wasn’t sure why I hesitated. I used to enjoy our poker nights, and I didn’t understand my own reluctance.

I had hospital rounds that morning. We did it on a rotation basis and this was my week. Because Hannah had
spent so much time in this hospital, I’d had the opportunity to see the situation from two different perspectives—first, as a physician, and secondly, as the spouse of a patient. I could write a book on what I’d learned.

When I arrived at the hospital, I noticed signs everywhere for the annual picnic. The children’s ward put on a huge charity function each year, one specially designed for children with cancer. This wasn’t a fund-raising event. The sole purpose was to let them be kids and forget about chemo and surgery for an afternoon. Hannah and I had volunteered at the picnic for several years and since I often had a patient or two in the pediatric oncology ward, it was very personal for us.

“Michael.” Patrick O’Malley called my name as he walked down the wide corridor to meet me. I hadn’t expected to see him; he must’ve been there for one of his patients. “What’s this I hear about you?” he asked.

“What?” I didn’t know anyone had much of anything to discuss about me. I’d pretty much stayed under the radar, especially when it came to social activities.

“Friday night at the clinic.”

“Oh, that.” Actually, I was embarrassed by the altercation and wished I’d kept my cool. I’d just…snapped. I didn’t know what had brought it on and had regretted it ever since.

“I hear you threatened some guy within an inch of his life.”

I didn’t want to talk about it. “His wife
fell down the stairs
—” I made quotation marks with my fingers “—three times in three months. I figured someone should do something.”

“She wouldn’t press charges?”

“Apparently not. She wouldn’t admit the guy even touched her.” I might have maintained my professional attitude, but her chart confirmed that her injuries had become more extensive with each assault. Shamika didn’t seem to realize she was risking her life if she stayed with the creep. Still, I was appalled by my own behavior; the audacity of it was completely unlike anything I’d ever done.

“You only did what all of us have felt like doing a dozen times.”

No matter, I’d been out of line. “I don’t think the clinic wants me back.”

“Are you kidding?” Patrick said. “It’s hard enough for them to get volunteers. They’ll look the other way, at least this once.”

I thought so, too, but my decision was made. I’d resigned. My uncharacteristic act of violence simply disturbed me too much. A replacement doctor had already been found, according to Mimi, but I didn’t tell Patrick any of this. He’d find out soon enough.

“Speaking of volunteers,” Patrick said, glancing pointedly at the posters decorating the hallway. “The picnic’s on Saturday.”

“It’s a little early this year, isn’t it?” I asked, stalling for time.

“Not really. It’s always in May.”

I hadn’t attended last year’s. Hannah’s funeral had been only a couple of weeks before that and I was barely coping.

“We could use a few more volunteers.”

“I’ve got plans,” I said, although it wasn’t true. Again,
my own reluctance baffled me. Until Hannah’s illness and death, I’d enjoyed being part of the event.

“Can you change your plans?” Patrick asked. “We’re really shorthanded. We need someone to help with the games.”

I sighed.

“We need a volunteer to flip burgers, too, if that’s more to your liking.”

I could see Patrick wasn’t going to make this easy. “I might be able to come.”

“We need every worker we can get.”

“How long would I need to be there?” I asked, hedging. If I could find a way out of this I’d gladly take it.

Patrick shrugged. “A couple of hours should do it.”

“Okay, I’ll rearrange my plans,” I said, continuing the farce. The only thing I had scheduled for Saturday was my routine five-mile run.

“Thanks, buddy.” He slapped me on the back and hurried off.

The word that I’d signed up as a volunteer at the Kids with Cancer event spread faster than a California brushfire. Clearly Patrick hadn’t wasted any time.

A couple of other physicians stopped me during my rounds to say how pleased they were that I was socializing again. In my opinion, the news that I was volunteering at a charity function shouldn’t be treated like a public announcement.

Besides, I wasn’t socializing. I’d been pressured into helping what I considered a good cause. I wouldn’t be doing this at all if Patrick hadn’t cornered me and practically blackmailed me into it. Naturally, I couldn’t say that.
I smiled at the two physicians and quickly extricated myself from the conversation so I could go about my business.

I hadn’t taken more than a few steps when I noticed a couple of the nurses with their heads together, whispering. They looked up a bit guiltily as I approached them, and I realized they were probably talking about me.

“Morning, Dr. Everett,” the first one said. She seemed impossibly young and energetic.

“Morning,” I responded and picked up my pace. Over the course of the past year I’d received quite a bit of attention from certain women in the medical field. I was fairly young and presentable…and I was available, at least in theory.

Emotionally, I was worlds away from being ready for another relationship. The fact that I’d even talked to Winter on the subject of dating confused me.

I resented the way some people thought that because a year had passed, my time to grieve was over. They seemed to think I should’ve awakened a year after Hannah’s death, prepared to “move on” with my life—an expression I’d come to hate. I also hated people’s assumption that all I’d need to get over her loss was three hundred and sixty-five days. On day three hundred and sixty-six, I should be running around acting all bright and cheery as if—sigh of relief—I’d completely recovered from my wife’s death.

“I hear you’re going to be at the picnic,” the same young nurse said. She nearly had to trot to keep up with me.

I nodded, not wanting to encourage conversation.

“Our whole shift has volunteered. It’s such a wonderful idea, isn’t it?”

Again I nodded.

“I’ll see you there,” she said, sounding breathless. Before I could speak, she veered off, making a sharp turn into a patient’s room.

I made the rounds, filled out the paperwork and left the hospital with my head spinning. First Hannah, then Ritchie and now Patrick. It seemed everyone wanted to help me, and while I appreciated their efforts, I wasn’t prepared for any of this. From the hospital I drove to the office. Linda Barclay looked up from her desk when I entered through the private door reserved for staff.

“Good morning, Michael.”

Linda’s the only person at work who uses my first name. She’s nurse, surrogate mother and friend all rolled into one middle-aged woman.

“Good morning, Linda.” I walked past her, then turned back. “Why is it,” I asked, still perplexed over what had taken place at the hospital, “that everyone seems to have this opinion that I’ve grieved long enough? What unwritten decree is there that I only have one year?”

“Ah…” Her eyes widened, and I could see that my question had startled her.

“Apparently, I’m volunteering at the children’s picnic on Saturday,” I explained, inhaling a calming breath.

“Good for you. It’s about time.”

“Et tu, Brute?”
I muttered, and Linda laughed.

“My family’s after me to date again,” I said, growing serious. Linda would understand. “I’m not ready.”

“Of course you aren’t.”

Her soothing voice took the edge off my irritation.

“I’ve basically been manipulated into going out with Hannah’s cousin.”

“The one who owns that restaurant?”

I nodded, surprised Linda would remember.

“Are you going to do it?”

“No.” There, I’d said it. My mind was made up. I refused to be controlled by another person’s wishes, even if that person happened to be my dead wife.

I loved Hannah—I would always love her—but that didn’t mean I was willing to get involved with Winter or anyone else just because Hannah felt I should. Like I’d told Linda, I wasn’t ready and I didn’t know when I would be.

Perhaps because the morning had started off wrong with Ritchie interrogating me about Winter’s message, I felt out of sorts all day. I didn’t intend to call her back. She was obviously in love with her Frenchman, and I clung to my memories of Hannah.

By the time I got home, I was cranky and tired and hungry. The fridge and cupboards revealed a depressing lack of anything quick or easy. I knew I should avoid processed foods whenever possible, but there were many times, such as tonight, when I would gladly have pulled a frozen pizza from the freezer and popped it in the oven.

A trip to the grocery store was definitely in order. I ended up eating a cheese sandwich and a bowl of cold cereal
without milk. It wasn’t the most appetizing dinner of my life, but it filled my stomach. When I’d finished, I sat down in front of the computer, logged on and answered e-mail.

I was just beginning to feel human again when the phone rang. The sound jarred me. It seemed to have an urgent tone as if something bad had happened, or was about to.

Caller ID informed me it was Winter Adams. I stared at the readout but couldn’t make myself pick up.

Winter didn’t leave a message, which was actually a relief. I didn’t want to be rude; all I wanted was peace and quiet. Okay, so maybe I
was
being a jerk, but this was a matter of self-preservation. The refrain
I’m not ready
clamored in my head and I couldn’t ignore it.