Hannah's List (25 page)

Macy stopped when she saw me. She seemed to brace herself, as if she felt apprehensive about what I’d say.

I didn’t hesitate. I ran down the walk and straight toward her. Not giving her a second to protest, I slid my arms around her waist and lifted her from the sidewalk. Then I buried my face in her shoulder and breathed in the scent of lavender and paint and Macy…

“I’m sorry I left,” she whispered. “I had to get away.”

“Why?”

“I was…afraid.”

“Of me?” I asked.

“Yes. No. I’m afraid of falling in love with you.”

I set her on the ground and held her face in my hands. “Am I so terrible?”

“Oh, no! You’re wonderful. Too wonderful.”

“Oh, Macy…”

“You’ll get tired of me and angry because…I’m different.”

“You’re beautiful.”

“But—”

“Would you please stop talking so I can kiss you?”

She smiled, and before she could say anything else, I lowered my mouth to hers.

M
onday afternoon Leanne’s cell phone rang while she was on her lunch break. After a bowl of chicken soup in the hospital cafeteria, she’d gone for a walk. The last week of June was cool and a little blustery; according to the calendar summer had begun the previous week, but it didn’t really arrive in the Pacific Northwest until the latter part of July. Still, she needed the exercise, so she’d brought a heavy sweater to wear outside.

She’d made her way from the hospital and strolled through the shopping complex at Pacific Place. She didn’t need anything, nor could she afford much, but browsing through the stores gave her a chance to think.

She hadn’t heard from Michael Everett in a couple of weeks and realized the attraction just wasn’t there. Thankfully, they both recognized it.

When her phone rang, Leanne fumbled in her purse to
retrieve it. She didn’t take the time to check her small display screen, afraid the caller might hang up.

“Hello,” she said breathlessly.

“Leanne, this is Muriel. I apologize for disturbing you.”

Her mother-in-law didn’t sound like herself. Her voice quavered as if she’d been crying.

“I’m glad you phoned,” Leanne assured her as she continued walking.

“How are you?”

Leanne left the shopping complex and stood on the street, where telephone reception was better. “Okay, and you?”

Muriel didn’t respond.

“Is everything all right?” Leanne asked during the awkward pause that followed.

Muriel still didn’t answer and Leanne wondered if the call had been disconnected. “Muriel? Are you there?”

“Yes, I’m here.”

“Is it Brian?” Her father-in-law was in good health as far as Leanne knew, but she hadn’t seen him in nearly two years.

“No,” Muriel said in the same odd tone she’d used earlier.

“Is…is it…”

It suddenly came to her that Muriel would phone in the middle of a workday only if something had happened to Mark. She clenched her cell phone more tightly. The street noise made it almost impossible to hear.

“We…got some news this afternoon—about Mark—and I thought you’d want to know,” she said in a leaden voice.

Leanne’s legs felt weak. Fortunately, there was a bus
stop nearby; she staggered toward the bench and slumped onto it.

“Tell me,” Leanne pleaded.

“McPherson, the company that employs Mark, contacted us an hour ago. Mark did warn us before he left that there’d be risks, but…but we assumed, the way everyone does, I suppose, that he’d be safe inside the army compound. It
should
be safe there, don’t you think?”

“Yes, of course.” Why in heaven’s name was Muriel dragging this out?
Tell me
! It was all Leanne could do not to scream at her.

Some of the expression had returned to Muriel’s voice. “Mark knew several of the military men in Afghanistan from when he was in the service. One of them is a helicopter pilot. About the same age as Mark, married and a father. I believe Mark told us he has two little girls. I don’t recall how old they are. Then again, Mark might not have said. I don’t remember now.”

Leanne’s hand flew to her mouth and she closed her eyes.

“His name was Alan,” Muriel said. Her voice shook.

“
Was?
Alan’s dead?”

“Yes.”

Leanne swallowed painfully. “Alan…wasn’t alone, was he?”

“No…”

The grip she had on her cell phone threatened to crush it. “Was…Mark with him?”

Muriel’s answer came in the form of a sob. “Yes!”

Leanne could hardly breathe. Her mother-in-law was
crying. Finally, when she couldn’t bear it any longer, Leanne blurted out the question. “Is he dead? Just tell me if Mark’s dead.”

“We don’t know.…Apparently, Mark went out with Alan and another mechanic because Alan was having engine problems and Mark couldn’t figure out what was wrong. He thought if he heard the engine in flight, he’d know where to look—only, when they left the compound, they came under immediate fire and went down. Then…when the second chopper got to the one Mark and Alan were in, they found Alan had died in the crash.”

“And Mark?” she asked. “What about Mark?”

“He wasn’t there. Neither was the other man.”

“Mark was
captured?
” That scenario was truly terrifying. Leanne was well aware of what might happen once the enemy got hold of him. The evening news had been filled with nightmarish accounts of beheadings and brutal beatings. The fact that these men and women weren’t military, were just contract workers, didn’t seem to matter.

“We don’t know what’s going on,” Muriel told her again. “The company’s promised us they’re doing everything in their power to rescue Mark.”

“He should never have been in that helicopter in the first place,” Leanne cried, lashing out in her pain.

Muriel sobbed. “I…I agree.”

The silence stretched between them. Leanne was afraid to close her eyes for fear of the appalling images that would come to life.

“I felt you’d want to know,” Muriel said again.

“Thank you.”

They disconnected, but for a long time Leanne held on to her cell. She struggled to assimilate this terrible news. Ever since her divorce, her family and friends had insisted she should get on with her life. Her counselor, too, had advised her to focus on the future.

Leanne had done that, or tried to. She’d gotten involved in the Kids with Cancer program and had organized the volunteers for the picnic. She’d gone out with friends, joined a reading group, taken a class on new cancer therapies. She’d dated Michael Everett. Nothing had worked. Nothing had eased the ache in her heart. She loved Mark. She’d never stopped loving him. She realized it the Sunday she’d driven to Yakima; she knew it when she heard he’d taken a job in Afghanistan.

Now it might be too late to tell him she still cared, still needed him. She’d followed everyone’s advice, did her best to move on, and to a certain extent she had.

As soon as she returned to the hospital, she went to see her supervisor.

Janet glanced up from her desk and frowned. “Leanne, what’s wrong?”

“I need a leave of absence as soon as possible,” Leanne said, unable to keep the tremor out of her voice.

“What’s wrong?” Janet asked again, sounding alarmed.

Leanne told her about Muriel’s call.

“What will you do? Where will you go?”

Leanne didn’t have an answer. “I don’t know yet…but I’m too upset to be any good to anyone here. I need to be
where I can get information about Mark, no matter what it is.”

“Where would that be?”

Janet forced her to think logically. “With his parents in Spokane.” She took a deep breath. “They shouldn’t be alone.”

“Then that’s where you need to go.”

Leanne nodded, grateful that her friend understood.

“Go home,” Janet said. “Now.”

“But my patients—”

Janet removed her glasses and set them aside. “I’ll take over for the rest of the day and I’ll arrange your leave. Like you said, you’re too emotional to work right now. I’ll call you once I’ve talked to HR.”

“Thank you,” Leanne whispered. Janet had helped her figure out what to do. Sometime in the next few days, she’d leave to be with Mark’s family. They’d support one another through this.

Janet stood and hugged her. “Do you have any idea how long you’ll be away?”

“No…”

“I’ll be praying for you and Mark and your family.”

“Thank you.”

Leanne didn’t remember the drive home or dragging her suitcase out of the spare-room closet. She’d just finished packing when she got a call from Janet telling her that the leave of absence had been arranged.

“Keep us updated,” Janet said.

“I will and thank you so much.”

Ten minutes later, she let the building super know she’d
be away. Then she carried her suitcase outside and thrust it in the trunk of her car.

Not until she was in the driver’s seat did she think to call her former in-laws to explain her intentions.

Shuffling through her purse, she searched for her cell phone. It wasn’t in the side pocket where she normally kept it. When she finally located it in the bottom of her purse, she heaved a sigh of relief. Her fear was that, traumatized as she was, she’d left it at the bus stop.

Holding it gratefully with both hands, she pressed the button that would redial the number of the last call received. Brian Lancaster answered on the first ring.

“Hello?” He sounded anxious, no doubt worried that this was the call he’d been dreading.

“It’s Leanne.”

Brian took an audible breath. “Muriel phoned you?”

“Yes.” She didn’t elaborate. “I’m driving to Spokane. Can I stay with you and Muriel until…until…” She left the rest unsaid and held her own breath; she felt as if her lungs might explode.

“Should you be driving?” he asked. Brian was the practical one in the family. Levelheaded, competent, rational, and Leanne admired him. Mark was a lot like his father.

She released her breath. “Probably not, but I’m coming, anyway.”

“Will anything I say stop you?”

“No.”

Brian’s voice cracked. “I think we all need to be prepared for the worst. Come. Stay as long as you like. Muriel needs
you and, frankly, I don’t think I can help her get over the death of our son.…”

Brian had always been strong, the dock everyone had tied their boats to in the crazy storm that had struck their family. He’d stood by Mark, hired a good attorney for his son, helped his daughter settle into a new life and remained the bulwark of strength they all relied on. But this—the thought of losing Mark, his only son—was more than even he could bear.

“I’m on my way,” Leanne whispered.

After a long pause, he whispered back. “Thank you.”

M
acy and I never really got a chance to talk in any detail about why she’d suddenly disappeared from my office or where she’d gone the previous Friday. I thought it had something to do with one of her many auditions. But then the pizza arrived and the two of us joined Harvey and chatted happily over dinner and beer.

When we’d finished, I helped clean up and then we went to Macy’s to feed the animals. I’d never considered myself a cat person, but I realized it was because I hadn’t been around them very often. I was becoming fond of Macy’s three, and they seemed to reciprocate the sentiment. Sammy had accepted me, too, so I was friends with all the furry denizens of 255 Jackson Avenue, all the creatures who seemed to understand that I loved Macy as much as they did.

Once they were fed, Macy and I cuddled on her sofa and watched television. Instead of talking about her inse
curities, trying to deal with the differences between us, we kissed. Soon coherent thought vanished. Soon all I could think about was how good it felt to have this woman in my arms. This warm, whimsical, vibrant woman.

My feelings for Macy had intensified since her accident. In the past few days, I’d found that my thoughts constantly turned toward her: what she was doing, who she was rescuing—even what she was humming. She’s such a natural with people; kids and animals love her. Macy’s impulsive and nonconformist, yet that’s all part of her appeal.

Unlike Macy, I rarely act on impulse, but I did the next Tuesday morning. Macy had a radio spot she was recording today; yesterday she’d had another audition—a callback, she’d told me proudly. I wanted to give her a gift; I wanted her to know how glad I was that she’d come into my life. The idea of replacing her bicycle occurred to me, and I remembered the small shop where I’d purchased the bikes for Hannah and me.

As I’d hoped, they were still in business. I called the store and described Macy’s unique personality; Mel Wellborn, the owner, laughed and said he had just the bike for her. I looked at the picture on his Web site and had to agree. It was pink with orange tassels on the handlebars and lime-green pedals. Apparently, a clown had special-ordered it and then changed his mind. Mel quoted a price that made my head spin, but I couldn’t refuse. The picture on the Internet proclaimed that this was the perfect bike for Macy, so I bought it and was told I could pick it up that evening.

I called her during my lunch break. Fortunately—since,
predictably, she didn’t have a cell phone—she hadn’t left for the studio yet. “Are you going to be home tonight?” I asked.

“Yes…”

The hesitation in her voice gave me pause. “I’d like to stop by.”

“Okay.”

“Are you sure you aren’t too busy?” I asked.

“Michael, I want to see you.”

“I can come another night if you prefer.”

“No…no. I have something I’m dying to tell you.” Her voice bubbled with excitement.

“Tell me now,” I urged.

“I want to wait until I see you. This is just the most wonderful thing that’s happened to me since…since I met you.”

Her words brought me a sense of contentment. “Meeting you has been wonderful for me, too, Macy.”

Macy went from effusive to silent. “Do you mean that, Michael?” she asked after a moment.

“With all my heart.”

She was quiet again.

“What time will you be home?” I asked.

“The earliest I can make it is six—make that six-thirty in case I’m late leaving the studio. I really am trying to be on time, you know.”

“I do know,” I assured her.

After a few words of farewell, I hung up the phone, but my hand stayed on the receiver, as though I could hold on to that connection with Macy.

After more than a year of lonely grief, of self-imposed isolation, I found that I craved the company of others. Craved evenings with Macy and her menagerie of people and pets, playing poker with my friends, laughing again. Because of Macy I’d stepped out of the shadows.

At the end of the day I left the office as early as possible, then drove straight to the bicycle shop to get Macy’s gift. Mel was an older guy who, like many small-business owners, offered great personal service. I hadn’t considered how I’d transport the bike, so I had to purchase a bike carrier for the car, which I hoped Macy and I would put to good use.

Mel installed the carrier, and I loaded up the bike, driving first to the wine boutique, then to Macy’s house. I could hardly wait to see her face suffused with delight when she saw this crazy bike.

Her car was parked outside, so I knew she was home. I pulled in behind her. These days I smiled when I saw her house with the bright red shutters and the white picket fence. Even now, it looked like something out of a fairy tale to me. I could believe that one day I’d find Sleeping Beauty inside having tea with Cinderella—and Macy.

Before I’d climbed out of the car, Macy opened her front door and dashed down the steps. By the time I made it through the gate, she’d launched herself into my embrace, twining her arms around my neck. I grabbed her by the waist and swung her around.

“I’m so
glad
you’re here,” she said fervently.

I kissed her because it was impossible not to. I couldn’t
be this close to her and resist. But she was so lovely I had trouble taking my eyes off her, even to kiss her.

“I want to tell you my news,” she said, breaking off the kiss.

I set her back down on the sidewalk and waited for her to speak. But before she did, she placed her hands on either side of my face and kissed me again.

“So tell me,” I urged, loving her enthusiasm for life, loving everything about her.

“I got a part in a local TV commercial!” she said. “I get to be a shopper at the Safeway store.”

“A shopper?”

“I push a cart down the aisle and take a box of breakfast cereal from a display at the end of the aisle and put it in my cart. I’m supposed to look pleasantly surprised at the discounted price and from there, I move the cart off screen.”

I did my best to look impressed. “Congratulations!”

“The production company is taping it a week from Friday.”

“Fabulous.”

“If I do well, I might get a speaking role next. No guarantees, of course. The man who produces the radio ads I do recommended me for this. Is that fantastic or what?”

“It is,” I told her. She’d explained to me that working in television was high on her list of career goals. And, of course, she had more of those than most people.

“I heard from the TV people this morning that I got the job. Then I did a radio spot for a landscaping service. Oh, and I should be completely finished the mural by the end of the week.”

She bounced from one subject to the next with hardly a breath in between.

We’d been standing on the walkway leading to her porch, so she hadn’t noticed the pink bicycle attached to my car.

“I brought you something,” I said.

“What?” Her eyes grew huge with curiosity.

I ran my hands down the length of her arms, my gaze never leaving her face. I wanted to see her reaction when she first caught sight of the bicycle. “Look behind me. At the car.”

She frowned. “You brought me a car?”

“No.” I laughed. “The bicycle at the back of my car.”

Her face exploded with reaction. She covered her mouth with her fingers, then raced to my car. “Oh, Michael, pink! I love pink.”

I helped her remove it from the carrier and let her examine all the features. She laughed at the tassels and the white basket I’d had attached to the front. White with pink flowers!

“I’ve always wanted a pink bicycle,” she told me breathlessly.

“You like it?”

“Are you kidding? I love it! I absolutely love it. Thank you, oh, thank you so much.” Once again her arms were around me—not that I was complaining. Her spontaneous joy filled me with joy, too. I was still unaccustomed to emotion like this. It burned in my chest the same way as tears did, and now I understood why people sometimes cry out of happiness.

After Macy had studied every inch of the bicycle, I handed it to her. She immediately hopped on and started pedaling down the empty sidewalk. She wore a skirt and
her slim legs pumped the lime-green pedals as her laughter echoed along the street.

The moment he saw her, Sammy jumped down from Harvey’s porch to chase after her, barking wildly. She braked and got off, pausing to crouch and rub Sammy’s ears. Then she walked the bicycle back to me. She kept her gaze on the ground and I felt a stab of fear.

“What’s wrong?”

“Michael,” she whispered, close to tears. “Thank you so much.”

“Don’t cry, please.” I shook my head. “I just wanted to give you something special, and your bicycle was ruined.”

Tears spilled from her eyes. I’d never seen Macy cry before, and I wasn’t sure what to say. Or do. I felt completely helpless. “Macy…”

“I’m so afraid of what’ll happen if I fall in love with you. But I…think it’s too late.”

“Is loving me so bad?” I asked gently.

“Oh, no! It’s just that you’re an important doctor and, well, look at me,” she said, gesturing at her white-and-purple saddle shoes with their pom-pom laces. “You’re dignified and I’m…me.”

“I’m falling in love with funny, undignified you and that’s a good thing.”

She brought one hand to her mouth and hid a sob. “That’ll change, though. Men think I’m fun and different, and then they get to know me and after a while they decide I’m…annoying. Or silly. And I couldn’t stand it if that happened with you.”

I clasped her shoulders. “Nothing’s going to change my mind about you, Macy. Understand?”

She nodded.

“Come on,” I said and took the bike from her. I leaned it against the fence and we sat together on the top step of her porch. Sammy lay at my feet with his chin on my shoe. I stroked his thick fur and he groaned softly, a sound that expressed contentment. A dog or cat asked for so little, I thought—food, shelter, affection—and gave so much.

Meanwhile Macy continued to sniffle.

“I want to tell you something,” I finally said. I’d decided it was time Macy knew about Hannah’s list, so I told her how I’d come to make that phone call all those weeks ago.

She listened intently as I described what Hannah had written. Her eyes revealed astonishment when I explained that Hannah had given me her name.

“Me?” she said, her hand pressed to her heart. “She gave you
my
name?”

“Yes, you. In the beginning I was sure she’d made a mistake—or was playing a trick on me.”

Macy laughed. “Either one might be true.”

“But there’s no mistake, no trick. Hannah was right about everything. You
have
taught me to laugh again, to enjoy life. When I’m with you I feel happy I’m alive. You are so generous and kind. You make me want to be a better person.”

“Oh, Michael…I don’t think anyone’s ever said anything lovelier to me in my whole life.”

I had to make an effort to keep from hugging her and
kissing her again. I was afraid that once we started we wouldn’t be able to stop.

Macy rested her forehead against my shoulder. “Hannah was one of the wisest, most generous women I’ve ever known.”

I nodded. Hannah had understood that I’d need encouragement to move into the next stage of my life. She’d released me to love again, but she’d gone a step further. I felt a fresh sense of appreciation that Hannah had steered me toward Macy.

“There’s an awards banquet a week from Friday,” I told her. “I’m nominated for Pediatrician of the Year, and I’d like it very much if you’d come with me.” I’d dreaded this evening until I’d asked Macy to join me. It would mean everything to share this night with her, to have her at my side, win or lose.

“This is a formal dinner?” she asked. She seemed more than a little nervous.

“Unfortunately, yes.”

“I won’t embarrass you?”

“No,” I said, laughing at the thought. Macy was Macy. If she chose to show up in a pink taffeta gown and ballet slippers, that would be fine with me. If she wore a clown suit that wouldn’t bother me, either, as long as she was by my side.

“Oh, Michael, I can’t believe this is happening. You’re truly falling in love with me?”

“Yes, Macy.”

Her look was serious now, if a bit fearful. “I fell in love
with you the night you stayed here after the accident. Any man who’d put up with me, the cats and Harvey is a prince in my book.
My
prince.”

I grinned. “This is the perfect house for a prince to find his princess,” I said. A princess in disguise. The accident had been a turning point for me, as well. I remembered the fear I’d experienced when I received the call that Macy had been hurt. The thought of losing her had clarified everything. That accident had shown me what my heart had been trying to tell me from the day I met her.

Because I’m a stubborn, willful man, I hadn’t been ready to accept that I’d fallen for Macy. I tried to get her out of my head, out of my life, but nothing had worked. Now I was grateful my puny efforts hadn’t succeeded.

The problem was that I’d grown comfortable wallowing in pain, comfortable with the anger I felt at losing Hannah. I was at ease with my grief. But Macy had changed that. Falling in love with her meant I had to let go of my grief and, shockingly, that was hard. I had to reach out toward life and, frankly, I found
that
frightening.

We had dinner together. Macy insisted on cooking, with my assistance. We worked side by side in her kitchen, laughing and teasing each other, interspersing our tasks with lengthy kisses. The radio played rock favorites from the seventies and eighties, and we managed to dance and sing while we assembled the ingredients for the salmon casserole. Apparently, this recipe wasn’t all that different from the one she sometimes made for her cats, because Lovie, Peace and Snowball meowed at us in three-part
harmony. Macy put me in charge of the salad. The lettuce was from Harvey’s garden.

“Should I set the table?” I asked when I’d finished tossing everything in the large ceramic bowl. Not that I could see the table. Macy had stacked newspapers and books and accumulated
stuff
on top of it. I started shifting things into new piles on the floor. I made a heroic attempt not to wince as I did so and consoled myself that the floor was scrupulously clean.