Hanging on (Jessica Brodie Diaries #2) (32 page)

William changed the subject. “If Adam knew what was good for him, and if Lump was half-crazy enough to go for it, Adam should marry her.”

“
What
? What are you
talking
about? Let’s forget for one second that they
hate
each other. Which they do. They aren’t compatible. Totally in different worlds, those two. How would they get married? We, you and I, are crazy compatible, and we aren’t talking about marriage! You have gone nuts! Seriously. Nuts.”

“Talking, no. Thinking...”

“Don’t even joke, Davies! Don’t even joke. People my age and with my immaturity do not marry. Next thing you’ll be trying to have kids or some stupid thing!”

“Well?” He smiled in good humor.

I just scoffed. Talk about kids having kids. Age meant nothing when it came to me.

“But seriously,” he said, “she is perfect for him. She is tough, she is easy going, she sticks her ground, and she knows how to navigate violence. She also knows, better than anyone in the world, how to push his buttons. That must mean she
gets
him.”

“Cripes, Cupid, don’t quit your day job. I think you need to relax and stop trying to get all your friends hooked up. Let the guy be single. They don’t like each other. Leave it alone.”

William just shrugged. “If only she wasn’t going back I would work on it like a Jewish mama!” he said with a playful smile.

“Well... Um,” I winced, “actually, she’s staying.”

“What?” he said with bright eyes.

“She is staying. She has nowhere to go. She is staying with Gladis for a while until she gets a job.”

“Then what?”

“If you must know, she is going to get her own place.”

“Here?”

“Somewhere in the city, yes.”

His smile got bigger. “Really?”

“Don’t get any ideas, you!” I said, needling him.

He just laughed and pulled me into a hug. We laid together enjoying each other’s arms until we finally fell asleep.

Chapter Seventeen

 The next morning William and I were heading into the big house for breakfast. Since the conversation with Gladis's kid, I was no longer feeling great about partaking in Gladis's kindness. What if I was somehow taking what was not due me? What if I was taking daughter rights of kindness or something? I don't know--it seemed like that Shauna girl was pissed about something, and it was obviously something I was doing.

Going into the lounge I ran into Lump. She asked if she could talk to me. I excused myself from William, who was relieved not to be involved, and took her outside into the crisp morning air. Fresh air was always good to help the brain turn.

"Listen, Jess," Lump started. "I’m sorry about last night. Adam brings out all these emotions in me. Sometimes it is hard to sort through and figure out what it all means."

"Don't apologize, that’s stupid. What happened after we left?"

She sighed and her eyes got distant. "I’m not sure how long we sat there, but he started telling me some of the horror he grew up with. Some of the pent up feelings that no shrink could ever fully help him get rid of. I guess he took to heart what I had said, and, with the help of William came to grips with himself, and came to find me to apologize. He wanted William there in case he spun out of control.

"I think part of him thought I was sent by God to test him. But when he came to find me, and then saw me...in that state, he realized I was mortal or something. He had a flash back to when he had seen his mother or sisters like that... It wasn't good. The full reality of what he did hit him, I think. Or what he might have done, I guess."

We were quiet for a few minutes, walking through the grass. I hadn't known Adam was so troubled. He was always so kind hearted and warm. I always felt safe with him. I said as much to her.

She still had the faraway look in her eyes. "Yes. I think he has those demons mostly under control, but something about me sparks it. Him in me, too. I haven't ever told anyone this, and I hope you don't repeat it to anyone..."

Shivers went up my back.

"My mother was abused at times but I didn't find out about that until adulthood. I was never touched except for once, so until that once I didn't think my dad had it in him. He was always so controlled, so disciplined. I found out later he went into martial arts to find that control and discipline- to focus the mind.

"Anyway, I was just starting Muoy Thai, already had a black belt in another discipline at that point—I must have been about sixteen or so I think. Something I did set him off. He went into this, like, animalistic
rage
. I still, to this day, don't know what set him off. It wasn't human.
He
wasn't human. He came at me with everything he had. He was fast. So fast... And
strong
. My God, his strikes were fierce. Hard. I’d trained against men, of course, men his height. I had trained against him often, even. But he was wild. Beyond wild. My father wasn't in there. I wasn't ready for what took over.”

Lump took a deep breath, eyes not seeing the clear day.

"You know how some cops tell stories of men on PCP?" She looked at me, hurt from her old wound plain in her features. I nodded mutely, trying to not show pity or anything close to it. "Well, that was what it was like. Super human strength and speed. He was insane! I fought him off for a while. I don't know how. I was dodging and blocking mostly. I would throw a strike just to put him on the defensive for a second, long enough to try and get toward the door to run.

"He would have had me. He connected on a couple hits and I thought it was the beginning of the end. I was getting tired. Moving slower. He didn't seem to feel the exertion at all. I honestly thought he would kill me.
Honestly.
I still remember thinking it vividly. It was then that my oldest brother came in. He saw what was happening and joined me. Didn't take over, but joined. We fought him back and my brother connected to the head and neck a couple times, finally knocking my father out.

"When he came to he didn't remember going mental. Or he said he didn't. As he gets older I feel like I see glimpses of guilt, but who can tell. My brother said he’d seen my dad like that a few times, but there were always a couple people to help counter. I was unlucky.” She shook her head then continued, "I bided my time until I get could get out of the house and go away to college. I was never in a room alone with him again after that. But I will never forget it."

She paused with the memory of that day. It pained me to see her dejected look, still so fresh, though from so long ago.

"I lost most of my fear of men after that. You fight someone like my dad, as he was, and it changes you. Nothing else seems so bad. It helped me in a way, I guess. I would rather not have had that help, but you have to think of the good points.”

“That’s what Dr. George, says.” I nodded.

"Well...last night I saw that look in Adam. That same inhuman rage from somewhere deeper." She took a raged breath. "It instantly took me back to that time with my dad. Even though there were too many people, William especially, that would have stopped Adam if he tried anything, I still felt like he would kill me. Like I had thought my dad would kill me. It hurt just as much. I was a lot more scared, though, because I knew what that look meant this time around. I knew what he would turn into.

"I tried to take a page out of Jane's book and fight with knowledge. It seemed to work. Who knew?" She half smiled. Her eyes were glistening. "So...he told me some of his stories, I told him that one. I thought you should know, too. Just because. But anyway, then we just sat with each other for a while. We at least know where the other is coming from."

"Well..." I began. "how come you are each so good at picking on the other? On making each other so mad?"

She smiled a sad smile. "Who knows why we can get under each other's skin. Maybe on some unconscious level I knew of those demons that were so similar. Maybe I wanted to finally beat it or something. I’m not smart enough to analyze that stuff. But I don't know if I could ever trust him. I don't know if I could live with a person that can lose it like that. That is capable of that sort of rage. I don't ever want to face it again. I am confronting my fear just by knowing it is possible in him.

"I wish I could have what you have in William. With Adam or anybody. You are so lucky, Jess. He gets you. He gets you in a way that no one has ever gotten me. That no one has ever
tried
to know me. He is perfect. Looks, brain, brawn, head for business, raised right, good relationship with his family—the list goes on and on. And you..." She shook her head, a tear leaking over.

"What? Am a nitwit?"

"You have blossomed like a flower. I know that you always thought I was the pretty one and you were always mediocre, and maybe where you were in life that was true. But out here you've blossomed, like I said. You have come into yourself. All confidence, smiles, love, all of it.” She paused with a sad smile. “Listen to me." She let escape a sardonic laugh. "I’m starting to sound like Jane."

"Lump, you'll find someone. You really will. You are crazy gorgeous. Crazy silly gorgeous. And good at everything. Maybe the move, or maybe meeting the violence from your past without backing down, will be your catalyst. Your sun and water to open your flower.
Ew
. That reminded me of virginity.” We started laughing. “Okay, look, I’m no poet. But little miss, you will find a guy. William knows a ton of hot ones! Seriously. We'll go to the bull riding thing and get you hooked up."

"Bull riding thing?"

"You'll see. I rode one. Because I rock, obviously." I did a little strut as we were walking. "But you didn't tell me. How did you and Adam disentangle and get back to your rooms last night?"

"Well, we shared our stories and comforted each other..."

"You didn't have sex did you?!"

"Noooo!" she said with a roll of her eyes. "Not even close. He held onto me and rubbed my back for a while—I let him. It felt really good to have someone that close. Then I felt him start to get...excited."

"Oh my God," I gasped.

"Would you relax?" She play punched me in the arm. I pretended that that arm went dead.

"When I felt…that, it kind of blended in with the good part of the night, and I lifted away from him just enough to look into his eyes."

"Uh huh?"

"And he politely asked if I wouldn't mind walking a little. I could tell he was uncomfortable. He said he would take me back to my room. He was going to head home and wondered if I might thank Gladis for the offer to stay the night. And that was it. We walked around the house, he took me to my room and hugged me good-night. The end."

I breathed out heavily. "What a letdown."

"It was smart, Jess. I would have kissed him, which would have led to other things, and then we’d be in a pickle today when I woke up next to him realizing that he freaks me out. The whole thing would have been doomed because I needed contact when I shouldn't have gotten it."

"So..."

"So what?"

"So, we need to get you laid so you can think straight."

"God! Or at least a make-out session! It has been a long time. I am craving some contact. And I imagine Willie is off limits?" She looked at me with a straight face.

"I might rent him out on the weekdays when I need a break. You best get a job, though. He'll be expensive."

Lump chuckled and we headed into breakfast.

That day was a sad affair. I shuttled everyone to the airport depending on their flight times. I dropped them off and tearfully hugged each good-bye, promising to stay in touch. I knew it would be another bunch of months before I could see them again. My only consolation was that I got to keep one. One friend would stay behind.

Next time I promised to go to Los Angeles to visit, and yes, I would try to bring William with me; the little devil on my shoulder kept muttering that the fates might pull William and me apart before then. I tried to shush that asshole, but doubt takes roots if you let it.

After each farewell I arrived back home to less and less people. William managed to take off Monday and Tuesday with me, so he stayed at Gladis's house, monitoring me and drinking with Gladis. Every time I got sad I would find him by my side, rubbing my back or telling me jokes, or just there for me to lean on.

Finally I had to take Flem, the last to go. Flem was mostly drunk, as was Lump. I had been the only one not drinking all day because I was the driver.

Flem hugged us both and abruptly turned and walked away. She hated good-byes and preferred not to say them. She told me I had one week to plan a vacation to L.A. One week and plans would need to be made. I was told to aim for January. Lump was told to move home—home being L.A. of course.

And they were gone. Only Lump remained.

Gladis and William were high as kites when we got back. Gladis never really let herself go, but today was an exception. She was probably dealing with the prospect of once again having a mostly empty house. We joined them in the ever-lively lounge, two marauders joining a celebration.

“Lump, hurry up. How much did you take in there?”

I was sitting in an uncomfortable chair with a few boyfriends, waiting for Lump to finish trying on half the store. Unlike the random collection of boyfriends next to me, who were patient and resigned, I was inpatient and irritable. Trying on clothes did take a second, but it wasn’t rock science. If you didn’t know if something looked good, walk out and get a second opinion for cripes sakes.

“I’m coming, I’m coming,” Lump yelled. “How much money do we have left?”

“I don’t know—a few hundred, I think.”

We were on a giant shopping spree, spending the gift cards William would not let return. I’d tried everything: putting it in his things, leaving it in his center console, slipping it in with his bills, even tucked into his wallet (it was torture not to peek at what else he had in there, but I stayed strong). Every time I left it somewhere, I found it a week or more later attached to my fridge with a clippie magnet. He never said anything, never hinted about it, but every time it was there, waiting for me to use it.