Halo (12 page)

A shadowy figure with blurred features was approaching. At first my heart leapt with hope at the possibility that it might be Xavier come to rescue me. But any hope was dashed when I sensed instinctively that whatever it was should be feared. Despite the pain in my limbs, I crawled as far from it as possible. I tried spreading my wings but they were too damaged to comply. The figure was closer now and hovering above me. Its features materialized just enough for me to see that the smile on its face was one of ownership. There was nothing left to do but allow myself to be consumed by the shadows. This was perdition. I was lost.

By morning things seemed different, as they often do. A new feeling of stability now flooded through me.

Ivy came in to rouse me, the scent of freesias following her like handmaidens.

“Thought you could use some coffee,” she said.

“I’m developing a taste for it,” I said and sipped from the proffered cup without making a face. She sat stiffly on the edge of my bed.

“I’ve never heard Gabriel sound so angry,” I said, eager to smooth things over with her. “I’ve always thought of him as . . . sort of . . . infallible.”

“Have you ever thought that he might be under stresses of his own? If things don’t go well, he and I will assume responsibility for it.”

Her words struck me like a physical blow, and I felt the sting of tears welling.

“I don’t want to lose your good opinion.”

“You haven’t,” she reassured me. “It’s just that Gabriel wants to protect you. He wishes only to spare you from anything that might cause you pain.”

“I just can’t see how spending time with Xavier could be a bad thing. Do you really think he would hurt me?”

“Not intentionally.”

Ivy wasn’t hostile like Gabe, and when she came to take my hand, I knew she had already forgiven my transgression. But her rigid posture and the hard line of her mouth told me that her position on the matter would not change. “You must be careful not to start things you can’t continue. It wouldn’t exactly be fair, would it?”

The tears I’d been restraining came flooding then. I sat there racked with misery as Ivy put her arms around me and stroked my head.

“I’ve been stupid, haven’t I?”

I allowed the voice of reason to take over. I barely knew Xavier Woods, and I doubted he would react with a deluge of tears if he found out he couldn’t see me for whatever reason. I was behaving as if we’d sworn ourselves to each other, and suddenly it all seemed a little absurd. Maybe it was
Romeo and Juliet
rubbing off on me. I felt like there was a deep, unfathomable connection between Xavier and me, but maybe I was wrong. Could it be possible it was all just a figment of my imagination?

It was within my power to forget about Xavier. The question was did I want to? There was no denying that Ivy was right. We were not of this world and had no claim to it or what it could offer. I had no right to meddle in Xavier’s life. Our role was to be messengers, harbingers of hope, and nothing more.

When Ivy had gone, I fished out Xavier’s number from my pocket where it had stayed all night. I unrolled the tight wad of paper and slowly tore it into fragments the size of confetti. I went out onto my narrow balcony and threw the fragments into the air. I watched sadly as they were carried away by the wind.

Rebel

Ignoring Xavier’s invitation proved easier than I expected when he wasn’t at school the whole of the following week. After making a few discreet inquiries, I discovered that he was away at rowing camp. With the danger of running into him averted, I felt more relaxed. I wasn’t sure I’d have the courage to renege on the date if he were standing right in front of me, nutmeg hair fringing those limpid blue eyes. In fact, I wasn’t sure I’d be able to say anything much at all given my past attempts at conversation.

At lunchtime I sat with Molly and her friends in the quadrangle, listening halfheartedly to their litany of complaints about school, boys, and parents. Their conversations mostly followed a set pattern, and I felt I already knew the lines by heart. Today the prom was the subject of discussion—no surprise there.

“Oh my God, there’s so much to think about,” Molly said, stretching out on the asphalt like a cat. Her friends were scattered around her, some on the garden benches, their skirts hitched up to maximize the impact of the early spring sun. I sat cross-legged beside Molly, tugging at my skirt so that it modestly covered my knees.

“Oh my God, I know!” agreed Megan Judd. She repositioned her head in Hayley’s lap and pulled her top up so that her midriff was exposed to sunlight. “Last night I started making a to-do list.” Still on her back she flipped open her school planner, emblazoned with designer labels that she’d stuck on for decoration. “Get this,” she continued, reading from a dog-eared page. “Book French manicure. Look for sexy shoes. Buy clutch. Decide on jewelry. Find celebrity hairstyle to copy. Decide between Hawaiian Sunset and Champagne spray tan. Book limo. The list goes on. . . .”

“You forgot the most important thing—find dress,” said Hayley.

The others laughed at the omission.

It baffled me that they could discuss in such detail an event that was so far away, but I refrained from commenting. I doubted my input would be appreciated.

“It’s going to cost so much.” Taylah sighed. “I’m going to end up blowing my budget and spending every dollar I’ve made working at that crappy bakery.”

“I’m cashed up,” Molly said proudly. “I’ve been saving from working at the drugstore since last year.”

“My parents are paying for everything,” bragged Megan. “They’ve agreed to pay for the whole thing as long as I pass all my exams—even a party bus if we want one.”

The girls were clearly impressed.

“Whatever you do, don’t screw up any exams,” Molly said.

“Hey, she’s not a miracle worker.” Hayley laughed.

“Does anyone have a date yet?” someone else asked.

A few of the girls did, and those in steady relationships didn’t have to worry about it. Everybody else was still desperately waiting for someone to ask them.

“I wonder if Gabriel will go,” Molly mused, turning to me. “All the teachers get invited.”

“I’m not sure,” I said. “He tends to steer clear of those sorts of things.”

“You should ask Ryan,” Hayley suggested to Molly, “before he’s taken.”

“Yeah, the good ones always go first,” Taylah agreed.

Molly looked affronted. “It’s the formal, Haylz,” she said. “The guy has to do the asking.”

Taylah snorted. “Good luck with that.”

“Molly, you’re so stupid sometimes,” Hayley sighed. “Ryan’s six-two, built, blond, and plays lacrosse. He might not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but still, what are you waiting for?”

“I want him to ask me,” Molly pouted.

“Maybe he’s shy,” Megan suggested.

“Uh, have you seen him?” Taylah rolled her eyes. “I doubt he has self-esteem issues.”

A debate about floor-length gowns versus cocktail dresses followed. The conversation became so banal that I needed an escape. I mumbled something about going to the library to check if a book had come in.

“Ewww, Bethie, only losers hang out in the library,” Taylah said. “Someone might see you.”

“And we already have to spend fifth period there to finish that stupid research assignment,” Megan moaned.

“What was that about again?” Hayley asked. “Something to do with politics in the Middle East?”

“Where is the Middle East?” asked a girl named Zoe, who always wore her blond hair piled on top of her head like a crown.

“It’s a whole area near the Persian Gulf,” I said. “It spans southwest Asia.”

“I don’t think so, Bethie.” Taylah laughed. “Everybody knows the Middle East is in Africa.”

I wished I could seek out Ivy’s company, but she was busy working in town. She had joined the church group and was already recruiting members. She had made badges promoting fair trade and printed pamphlets that preached about the injustice of working conditions in the Third World. Given her goddess status within Venus Cove, the numbers at the church group were growing. The young males in the town had taken to seeking her out and buying far more badges than anyone could use in the hope of being rewarded with her phone number or even just an appreciative pat on the head. Ivy had made it her mission to play Mother Earth at Venus Cove—she wanted to bring people back to nature. I guess you could call it an environmentalist mentality—organic food, community spirit, and the power of the natural world over material things.

So I headed in the direction of the music wing instead, in search of Gabriel.

The music wing was in the oldest part of the school. I heard singing coming from the main hall, so I pushed open its heavy paneled doors. The hall was vast with a high ceiling and portraits of grim-faced headmasters lining the walls. Gabriel stood in front of a music stand, conducting the junior choristers. All the choirs had grown in popularity since Gabriel’s arrival; in fact, there were so many new female recruits to the senior choir that they had to rehearse in the auditorium.

Gabriel was teaching the juniors one of his favorite hymns in a four-part harmony, accompanied by the music captain, Lucy McCrae, on the piano. My entrance interrupted the singing. Gabriel turned to determine the source of the distraction, and when he did, the light from the stained-glass window merged with his golden hair so that for a moment he looked ablaze.

I waved to him and listened as the choir resumed their singing.

Here I am, Lord. Is it I, Lord?

I have heard You calling in the night.

I will go, Lord, if You lead me.

I will hold Your people in my heart.

Even with some of the singers out of tune and the accompanist a little loud, the purity of the voices was transporting. I stayed until the bell signaled the end of lunch. By then I felt I’d been given a well-timed reminder of the bigger picture.

The next few days blurred into one another, and before I knew it, it was Friday and the end of another week. The rowers had reportedly gotten back after lunch, but I hadn’t seen any sign of them and decided they must have gone straight home. I wondered whether Xavier had concluded that I’d lost interest as he hadn’t heard from me. Or was he still awaiting my call? It bothered me that he might wait for a call that wasn’t coming. Now I wouldn’t even get the chance to see him and explain.

Packing my schoolbag at the end of the day, I noticed that someone had wedged a little scroll of paper into one of the metal louvers at the top of my locker. It fell to the ground when I opened the door. I picked it up and read the message, written in a loping, boyish hand.

I read it several times. Even via a piece of paper, Xavier managed to have the same dizzying effect on me. I handled the note as delicately as if it were an ancient relic. He wasn’t easily deterred; I liked that about him. So this, I thought, is what it feels like to be pursued. I wanted to leap around in excitement, but I managed to remain calm. Nevertheless, I was still grinning when I met up with Gabriel and Ivy. I couldn’t seem to force my face into a mask of serenity.

“You looked pleased with yourself,” Ivy said when she saw me.

“Good result on a French test,” I lied.

“Did you expect anything else?”

“No, but it’s still nice to see it in black and white.”

I was surprised to find how easily I could lie. I must be getting better at it and that wasn’t a good thing.

Gabriel looked pleased to see my previous mood had lifted. I knew he’d been feeling guilty. He hated to witness distress, much less be the cause of it. I didn’t really blame him for his sternness. It was hardly his fault he couldn’t relate to what I was experiencing. His focus was overseeing our mission, and I couldn’t imagine the strain that must accompany that task. Ivy and I depended on him, and the powers in the Kingdom were relying on his wisdom. It was only natural that he should try to avoid complications, and that’s exactly what he feared contact with Xavier might bring.

The elation of receiving Xavier’s message lasted through the rest of the afternoon and the evening. But by Saturday I was again wrestling with my conscience over what to do about it. I desperately wanted to see Xavier, but I knew it was reckless and selfish. Gabriel and Ivy were my family and they trusted me. I couldn’t willingly do anything that might compromise their position.

Saturday morning was relatively uneventful and made up of chores and taking Phantom for a run along the beach. When I got home and looked at the clock, I saw that it was already mid-afternoon and I started to feel edgy. I managed to hide my agitation through dinner, and afterward Ivy sang to us with her melodic voice, accompanied by Gabriel on an old acoustic guitar. Ivy’s voice could have reduced a hardened criminal to tears. As for Gabriel, every note he played was smooth and hummed like a living thing.

Around eight thirty I went up to my room and pulled everything out of my closet to rearrange it. No matter how hard I tried, thoughts of Xavier pushed themselves into the foreground of my mind with the force of a speeding train. By five minutes to nine, all I could think of was him waiting for me, the minutes ticking by. I visualized the moment when he realized I wasn’t coming. In my mind’s eye I saw him shrug his shoulders, walk out of the cinema, and go on with his life. The pain of this thought proved too much; and before I knew it, I had grabbed my purse, pulled the balcony doors open, and was climbing down the lattice to the garden below. I was overcome by a burning desire to see Xavier, even if I didn’t speak to him.

I stumbled along the dark street, took a left, and kept going, heading straight for the lights of the town. A few people in cars turned to stare at me, a pale, ghostlike girl streaking down the street, hair flying like streamers. I thought I saw Mrs. Henderson peering out through the blinds in her living room, but I hardly gave her a second thought.

It took me about ten minutes to find the Mercury Cinema. I passed a café called the Fat Cat, which seemed to be full of students. Music was pumping from a jukebox and kids were sitting in deep couches, drinking milk shakes or sharing bowls of nachos. Some of them were dancing on the checkered floor. I passed the Terrace, one of the ritzier restaurants in town, set up on the first floor of an old Victorian hotel. The best tables were on the balcony that ran along the front of the building, and I could see candles glinting in their holders. I sped past the new bakery and the general store where I had met Alice and Phantom just weeks earlier. When I reached the Mercury Cinema, I was going at such a speed that I ran straight past it and had to double back when I realized the street had come to an end.

The cinema dated from the 1950s and had recently been redecorated in keeping with the fashion of that time. It was full of retro memorabilia. The floors were polished black-and-white linoleum; there were sofas in burnt orange vinyl with chrome legs and lights like flying saucers. I caught sight of myself in the mirror behind the candy bar. My breathing was ragged from excitement, and I looked flustered from my run.

The foyer was empty when I got there, and no one was milling around the coffee lounge. The movie posters advertised a Hitchcock marathon. It must have already started. Xavier had either gone in alone or gone home.

I heard someone behind me clearing his throat exaggeratedly, the way someone does when trying to get your attention. I turned.