Half-truths & White Lies (19 page)

'Laura wants another baby,' Tom told me over a beer at
the pub closest to their flat. When you have to create
extra hours in the day from nothing, not a moment is
wasted in walking elsewhere. We were sitting in a dark,
smoky corner, away from the regulars who had
congregated noisily around the bar.

'Really?' Having narrowly prevented myself from
choking, I found it difficult to think of any other
response. My mind was racing.

He nodded. 'Doesn't want Andrea to be an only child.
Thinks I might spoil her.'

'Never did us any harm,' I joked. 'Not that I remember
being spoilt.'

'Too right.'

We sat in silence for a while. Was it possible that Tom
had sensed there was something going on and that this
was his way of warning me off?

'It's not good timing,' he went on. 'My course is
coming to an end, but I'll be on an apprentice's salary,
up against all the youngsters who don't have families to
support and can work for a pittance. It's going to be a
lean couple of years. We're not out of the woods yet, by
any means.'

'What does she say about that?'

'She says we'll manage. People do. But there's something
else.'

'What's that, then?' I had seen many a guilty man
look innocent with ease, but I didn't know if I was
capable of hiding my feelings.

Tom looked at his glass, holding it with both hands.
'I'm not sure we can have another child. We've still got
the issue of the mumps to get over.'

'But what about Andrea? They were wrong about her.'

'Andrea was our miracle. We've already seen the
doctors. Let's just say I had one sprinter who was ahead
of the pack. Very little chance of that happening again.'

I had no idea that there had been time for sex and
talk of babies and doctors' appointments in their
marriage. This was all news to me and I felt that I had
been betrayed, even though I knew it was illogical.

'What about adoption?'

'That's just it.' He shook his head. 'I think I could love
any child, but Laura says that she wants one of her own.
No. This time the doctors say that our only hope is this
new treatment called IVF. Have you heard of it?'

'Louise Brown, the miracle baby.' I took a sip. 'I read
about it in the papers but I have to say I thought that it
was a one-off.'

'No, they want to develop the idea so that they can
treat couples. They're actually looking for volunteers,
believe it or not. I'm not at all keen. I don't want Laura
to be used as a guinea pig. I'm not even sure I agree with
the idea of it. But she's willing to try anything.'

I had to be honest. I couldn't understand how a
woman who already had one child of her own could be
desperate for another.

'So what now?' I asked.

'I want her to be happy, I really do. But as soon as she
has one thing she wants, she's on to the next. I can't
keep up. I'm working flat out as it is. Plus, I don't want
to see her hurt if it doesn't work out. God only knows, I
know what it's like to feel that sort of disappointment.
We've got one beautiful girl and I'm grateful for that, to
be honest. For a bloke who never thought he'd be a
father, to have one child is a bonus.'

'Laura's always known her own mind.'

'And she's used to getting what she wants, I know. Did
you find life tough as an only child?'

'I found being a child tough in general. But it had
more to do with the atmosphere at home. What about
you?'

'It's always just been me and my mum. And that was
how I liked it. We've always got on like a house on fire.
No complaints there.'

'Whereas you might feel differently if you had a
battleaxe for a mother.'

'To the lovely Mrs Albury.' Tom raised his glass in a
toast. 'Ah, she's not so bad. I do believe I'm finally growing
on her. She even stuck up for me the other day when
Laura complained that we never eat dinner together. She
said that she was lucky to have a man who works so
hard for his family. I was so surprised I could have
kissed her.'

'I've never asked you about your dad—'

'There's nothing to tell.' He cut me short. 'He didn't
want me and I never needed him.'

'Do you know if he's still alive?'

'He's always been dead to me.'

'Fair enough.'

The bell rang for last orders and Tom checked his
watch.

'Time, gentlemen!' the barman yelled and Tom
downed the dregs of his pint.

'Saved by the bell. Time for the nightshift.' He
grabbed his jacket. 'Same time next week?'

I sat and finished my drink, thinking how ludicrous
the situation was. Laura and I couldn't carry on like this.
Even though she hadn't promised me anything, I had let
myself believe that all was not right at home and that
there was still a chance she would choose me. Listening
to Tom, I wondered if I was what was holding the
marriage together or preventing it from working.
Perhaps the only fair way to resolve things once and for
all would be if I removed myself from the equation.
Laura had tried to do this once before. Now it was my
turn.

The mechanics of this were far easier than I had
imagined. I felt no desire to go anywhere in particular. I
had always been good at throwing myself into my work
when things were not right in other parts of my life. For
some time, my firm had talked about opening an office
in the north-east of England and I volunteered to go.
They began to make preparations immediately. This
gave me time, but not too much time, to prepare
mentally.

I was too weak-willed to break things off with Laura
before I left. Neither was I able to resist mentioning the
conversation that Tom and I had had. She was typically
unrepentant.

'I can't keep on putting my life on hold until everything
is perfect,' she said.

'But what about us?' I asked. 'Doesn't this mean anything
to you?'

'Don't you see it means
everything
to me?' She cupped
my face. 'If I didn't have you, I couldn't go out into the
world and be the person everyone expects me to be.'

'Have you thought about what you would do if you
got pregnant now? Clearly, you're trying. How would
you know who the father is?'

'It would be very unlikely to be Tom,' she said bitterly.

'How can you be so sure when you have Andrea?'

'We're sure. Don't ask me how, but we're sure.'

I shook my head, not understanding her certainty.
'That makes it worse. What would you do if you got
pregnant and the baby was mine? Would we just carry
on like this?'

'I don't know all the answers. I'd love to pretend I do,
but I don't.' Laura was tearful. 'Tom's given up his
dreams for me and Andrea. You know what that has cost
him. I don't think I could leave him now.'

This only cemented my feeling that I was doing the
right thing. Laura said that she treasured our relationship
but that her marriage took priority – even if there
was a child involved. Faye had been wrong when she
said that Laura would never sleep with me, but she was
also right; I had never stood a chance against Tom
Fellows. I was at a time in my life when it was no longer
good enough. When I picked up Andrea and swung her
around, or carried her on my shoulders, or when she
took my hand as we crossed the road – and especially
when she called me 'Daddy' by mistake – I felt a yearning
to be a father. It was no longer just about the girl for
me. I wanted the whole package. There would never be
another Laura as far as I was concerned, but maybe with
a new start and the bigger picture in mind, a family
might be possible.

Then one afternoon, Laura caught me hugging
Andrea too close for too long and telling her that I
would never be more than a phone call away.

'You're saying goodbye!' She was wide-eyed and
shocked. I didn't answer but turned around to face her.
'But why?'

I held her to my chest. 'Don't you see I have to? How
long can we put ourselves through this?'

'You say it as if it was torture, whereas I've had some
of the happiest times of my life with you this last year
or so.'

'I want more than you're prepared to give me,
Laura. I always have.' I stroked her hair. 'If we carry
on like this we're going to start to argue and it will be
just like every other relationship you've tried to escape
from.'

'But you can't leave me.'

'Mummy, why are you crying?' Andrea interrupted,
her hands tugging Laura's skirt. As Laura let go of me to
explain to Andrea that she was very, very sad, I made a
cowardly escape, touching Laura's blonde waves for
what I honestly believed would be the last time.

I hadn't been home for over three years when Laura
came to stay with me, bringing Andrea with her. I was
used to Laura coming on her own because of Tom's
schedule, but I immediately sensed that this time something
was different. Being in such close proximity to
Andrea made me nervous. I drank too many gin and
tonics to compensate, which made Laura eye me
critically. She may as well have come straight out with it
and asked me to stop drinking in front of her child.
'Whose child?' I imagined myself asking.

Andrea was boisterous. 'Aunty Faye' this and 'Aunty
Faye' that. Jumping on the furniture and wanting to be
the centre of attention. Every new discovery was
followed by a shriek of delight that produced
smiles from Laura and goosebumps on the back of my
neck. My flat was hardly child-proof and neither
was I.

I was relieved when Laura put her to bed and order
was resumed, but it was short-lived. I had no idea of the
secrets that Laura had been keeping. They were hard to
take in. An eighteen-month affair with Peter Churcher.
Peter gone. Things going downhill at home. And now
this. Laura pregnant and thinking that it was a sign that
she should be with Peter after all.

'A sign!' I remember saying. 'Did you think it was a
sign when I was pregnant? The man's so virile that I'm
amazed it took you so long.' Then she told me that she
had been on the pill for the first year. She had only
stopped taking it when she knew she wanted another
baby! 'But Tom's sterile. What were you thinking of?' I
asked her.

'I know. I tried to get him to try that new IVF but he
wasn't keen. It's such a mess.'

I asked her if she had been in contact with Peter.

'No!' She was horrified. 'He so desperately wants
children. I can't tell him about the baby unless I'm
ready to leave Tom.'

That was a shock, hearing it out loud. Peter
desperately wanting children. I felt anger and regret.
Nobody had thought to mention that to me when I was
pregnant and needed advice. When I told them that I
didn't want Peter to know about the baby, no one tried
to persuade me otherwise. There was nothing but
agreement that I was doing the right thing.

'But why Peter, of all people?' I asked her, genuinely
keen to know why she would have played away
from home with someone so involved in the
situation.

'We love each other.' She seemed surprised that I
needed to ask. 'It's always been Pete and me. Even with
Tom, it would never have worked without Pete. There's
never been a time when it was just Tom.'

I honestly don't think that she saw her affair with
Peter as a betrayal of Tom, because she had known Peter
first. She had loved Peter first.

'You mean to say . . . ?' I began to ask, wondering how
long it had actually been going on for.

'No.' She seemed to find it amusing that she had
managed to shock me. 'It was never all about sex with
Pete. In fact, the sex was a bit of a surprise. I thought
that we had gone way beyond that stage, to be honest.
We'd kissed before, but it hadn't led anywhere. I didn't
think it would that time either, but I was wrong. Pete's
the only person in the world that I can be myself with.
Apart from you. With everyone else it's an act. Do you
know what I mean?'

'How on earth would I know what you mean?' I
snapped. 'I've never been that close to a man.'

'I'm not just talking about men,' she said, 'I'm talking
about having to pretend you're something you're not all
the time.'

'Well, you've brought Andrea with you,' I said. 'Let's
see how I get on with her for starters.' That was a
conversation-killer. But really! Didn't she ever think
about what she was saying?

Like me, the easiest option wasn't one that Laura was
prepared to consider.

'How can you want a child so much and then
decide to get rid of it because it's inconvenient?' she
asked.

'Even if it might save your marriage?' I challenged,
playing devil's advocate.

'So be it.' She shrugged, but her face betrayed her
fears. She knew what was at stake.

On another evening she asked, 'How would you feel
if Pete brought up Andrea with me?'

Up until then the thought hadn't crossed my mind. I
had been so far removed from the situation that I hadn't
had to think about it. I had never been in love with
Peter Churcher so it wasn't a case of being jealous. But
when I gave her away, it wasn't to Laura, but to Laura
and Tom.

'I thought so,' she said, looking at my face.

'I haven't said anything yet,' I protested. I've thought
about that conversation so many times since.

'You don't have to.' Laura always told me that Andrea
was the best gift I could have ever given her. But you
can't place conditions on gifts. You don't give someone
a gift and tell them they can never tell anyone about it.
Andrea was never a gift. She was never just mine to give.
'That would be too weird for you. I shouldn't even have
asked.'

Did she expect me to protest, to tell her that it would
be all right with me? I hadn't created the problem but
now she wanted me to hand her a solution. I was
already living far away from my home in an attempt to
escape my past. How much further would I have to go
to avoid the deceit that would accumulate? Oh, no! This
time she was asking too much. But what alternatives
were there?

'If you leave Tom, could you leave Andrea behind?' I
asked, afraid of the answer.

'That's not an option,' she replied.

'Then we have a problem,' I said unnecessarily.

But the number of options were running out. And
time was an issue. How long would it be before Tom
noticed and Laura was forced to make a decision? When
Laura left London to return home, she was no nearer to
arriving at a conclusion. I had not told her that whatever
she did would be all right with me. For the first
time, as I waved my so-called niece goodbye, I started to
think about what would be best for her as well as for
me. I started to think like a mother.

A few weeks later, Laura phoned from a telephone
box in the middle of the night and reversed the charges.
She tearfully told me how she had tried to leave Tom for
Peter, but hadn't been able to.

'I couldn't do it to him. God knows I tried.'

'Where's Andrea?' I was surprised that my immediate
thoughts were for her rather than my sister.

'She doesn't know anything about it. She's asleep in
the car. It's just a bit of an adventure as far as she's
concerned.'

'What are you going to do now?' I asked her.

'I'm going home to face the music,' she said.

'What's that going to involve?'

'I have no idea. It's up to Tom now.'

'Does Peter know?'

But she had already hung up on me and the question
was left hanging. No matter how much I mulled things
over in my mind, I couldn't think of a solution that
would work for everyone. Laura had assured me that she
would never tell Peter about Andrea, but if her future lay
with him, how would she be able to keep it from him?