Read Hair in All The Wrong Places Online
Authors: Andrew Buckley
As he looked up into the mirror, Colin was astonished to see the wolf creature from his morning shower standing right behind him, snarling. Colin spun around to face
an empty bathroom, and he started to laugh. It sounded somewhat maniacal; the sort of laughter you might hear in a mental institution. Unexpectedly, the buzzing stopped, the blinding pain subsided, and he regained full control of his gangly limbs once again.
He looked at his reflection. Same Colin. He was double-checking the bathroom to make sure there was no large, hairy, scary-looking creature lurking in any of the stalls when Jeremy burst in. “Jeremy! You scared me!”
“Are you okay? Winter sent me to check on you, but you look more like yourself now. What happened back there? And was that you laughing before I came in here?”
Colin shrugged. “I don't know. I really don't know. I couldn't hear. There was this buzzing sound. I think I might be going crazy, Jer.”
“You were growling in class.”
“Growling?”
“Yeah, like a dog. Did you get contacts?” said Jeremy.
“What? No, I ⦔
Colin felt his face for his glasses.
I forgot my glasses?
“I thought you were blind without those things?”
“I ⦠geez, Jer. I have no idea what's going on with me. There was this whole thing last night with a car and then Becca was there, and I keep seeing thisâ”
“What? What are you seeing?” suddenly Jeremy got excited. “Are you hallucinating? Because that would be awesome.”
Colin just looked at Jeremy, but despite the joke, he could see his friend's worry. “I'm sure it's nothing.”
“You sure? Do you want me to take you to the nurse?”
“No, I'm feeling much better.” Colin hurriedly assured his friend. “Maybe I'm getting the flu or something.” The Elkwood School nurse was a monster of a woman called Mrs. Turnbull who had never heard the term
bedside manner
. She also didn't like to be interrupted, ever. Only the truly sick students of Elkwood ever went to Mrs. Turnbull's office.
“And the glasses?”
“I've been eating a lot of vitamin A lately?”
Jeremy gave him one of those slow blinking low stares that clearly said
you're kidding, right?
Mr. Winter burst into the bathroom, slamming the door hard against the wall. “Back to class, Mr. Rodson!”
“Yes, sir,” said Jeremy, making a quick exit.
Mr. Winter waited until the door was closed and then grabbed Colin by the shirtfront, pushing him hard up against the wall. “Just what do you think you're doing disrupting my class? Do you know how important biology is? It's everywhere! It's in me, it's in you, it's all over the place, and no one really understands it, so that's why we have to study it! Do you understand me, boy?”
Colin was too shocked to speak. A teacher was attacking him! Mr. Winter's eyes looked different. Like he was on drugs or something. The muscles in his face were tense and strained.
Colin nodded.
“Now get your ugly, useless, self back to class and read the chapter! Idiot!” Mr. Winter released Colin and stormed out of the bathroom muttering. “They're all idiots, ignorant idiots, all of them.”
This day cannot get any worse. Or weirder.
After lunch and third period French, Colin's day did somehow manage to get much worse and a lot weirder. Jeremy had opted for Spanish as his foreign language, so Colin normally sat alone in French class. For today, Madame Frontier suggested they take part in group conversations, quickly splitting the class into three small groups of five students each. Colin got stuck with Kevin Hadfield, who was more interested in doodling in his biology textbook. The goth twins and Becca were also in his group, which was the only bright shining point in an otherwise scary and crappy day.
“Colin, are you feeling okay? You didn't look well earlier,” asked Becca, sounding concerned.
“He always looks like that,” said Kevin. “It's called ugly, and it's not curable.”
Nathan and Micah simply stared at Colin.
“Yeah, I feel better. Just a dizzy spell.”
“Why don't you have your glasses today?” said Becca.
Why does everyone notice that today? Yesterday I could have come to school naked and painted purple, and no one would have noticed a thing.
“I got contacts,” said Colin quickly.
“You have nice eyes.”
“You have nice eyes,” mimicked Kevin in a whiny voice.
Micah and Nathan still hadn't blinked.
“Are you guys okay?” inquired Colin to the twins. They continued staring.
“Everyone should be speaking French. Remember your pronunciations,” trilled Madame Frontier.
“They must like your eyes too, Colin,” sneered Kevin. “How are those ribs today. Heard you took a nasty tumble during detention?”
“No, they're good. You must have heard wrong. Or maybe you're just such a moron that you have no concept of reality,” Colin shot back. “Maybe your chronic stupidity is getting the better of you and soon you'll take that final step to becoming nothing more than a drooling vegetable.”
What am I doing?
Becca stared open-mouthed. The twins looked ill. Kevin didn't know what to say; he just stared.
“Uh, sorry,” said Colin. “I don't know what came ⦠uh ⦠over me.”
“No, come on, Colin. Tell me more,” spat Kevin. “You were up to the part where I'm a drooling vegetable.”
The headache was back again. Colin's vision began to swim, and he put his head down and rubbed his temples.
What is wrong with me?
He wanted to lash out, tell Kevin exactly what he thought about him.
You're an idiot, a lackey, a lowlife coward who hides behind Gareth Dugan because you don't know how to look after yourself. You're a follower, a sheep, and not a smart sheep, the dumbest possible sheep you could ever imagine. And you smell. You smell like old farts and engine oil. That's what I think of you.
That's what he wanted to say but of course he would
never say that out loud.
“So I'm a dumb, stinking sheep, am I?” said Kevin.
“Wait, what?” said Colin.
“I'm sure he didn't mean that, Kevin,” Becca hastily reassured him. “Tell Kevin you didn't mean that, Colin.”
I didn't say that out loud, did I?
“I'm going to tear you apart, Strauss. As soonâ”
“Wait, you heard me? Just now? But I didn't sayâ”
Oh, Colin. Why are you doing this?
It was Becca's voice, but her lips hadn't moved.
The smell. Can't take the smell. It's getting worse.
Micah's voice!
Colin looked around the class as fire burned through his brain. He could hear everyone, not just their voices, but their thoughts! All jumbled together in a horrible mess. Talking about food, French class, dating, clothing, TV shows, next period, last period, goats, Tori's latest outfit, where was Sam Bale, did Colin get beaten up last night, how tired they were, while others daydreamed. A maelstrom was spinning in his brain, and then as quickly as it arrived, it was gone.
“I'm not even going to wait until after class. I'm going to kick the crap out of you right here!” Kevin lunged at Colin but missed by a mile, collapsing into the now empty chair and onto the floor in front of the twins. Colin was now standing three feet away behind Becca's chair. Madam Frontier shouted in French.
“What the ⦠?” said Kevin.
And then the twins both vomited in unison. All over Kevin.
Becca grabbed Colin's shirt and dragged him out of
the classroom, away from the shrieks of Kevin Hadfield and what appeared to be the never-ending stomach contents of the goth twins. Madam Frontier fluttered around the classroom trying to regain order.
Becca didn't stop walking until they were outside the building, not far from where Gareth, Sam, and Kevin had jumped Colin the evening before.
An exhausted Colin slumped down onto a picnic bench while Becca stared hard at him.
“Why do people keep staring at me today?” mumbled Colin helplessly.
“Well, after you fell out of biology class this morning and whatever the hell just happened now, do you really have to ask? What's going on, Colin?”
“I honestly have no idea. I keep getting this headache. And I feel dizzy. Must be the flu. Maybe I'm getting whatever the twins have?”
“Where were you going last night when I saw you in town?”
“Are you writing a book or something?” snapped Colin.
What is wrong with me? I don't talk like this?
“Don't be that way. I'm just trying to put the pieces together. You're not yourself at all.”
Colin looked up at Becca. She looked genuinely concerned. Through the dark makeup, he could see her blue eyes shining down at him.
You're beautiful, like an angel.
“Look, I appreciate a good compliment, but that's just corny.” Becca smiled. “And what are you? A ventriloquist now, I didn't even see your lips move.”
“You heard me say that? Out loud?”
“Is this what puberty is like for a guy? And I thought girls had it bad.”
They both laughed. The school PA system crackled to life, and Principal Hebert's voice boomed over the loud speaker.
“I need everyone's attention. I just received some distressing news. I would prefer that everyone to hear it from the sheriff's department but no one is available right now and it's better you hear it here first rather than second- or third-hand elsewhere.”
There was a distinct pause. Colin looking out across the football field and through the fog could just make out a figure on the other side of the field. It looked like a man, wrapped in a long jacket, his face covered by a hood. Colin's stomach lurched as he realized the figure was watching him. Even more disturbing, Colin could smell the man, and the scent was familiar.
“The body of one of our grade eleven students, Samuel Bale, has been found at the northern edge of Merton Forest,” continued Principal Hebert. “His parents didn't realize he was gone until this morning, and one of the Merton's farmhands found the body early this morning. The Elkwood Sheriff's Department is on site now. To dispel any rumors or gossip, he appears to have been attacked by an animal. This is a tragic day for Elkwood, and our thoughts and prayers go out to the Bale family. Under the circumstances, we will be dismissing everyone early today for the weekend. A funeral and burial will be held Sunday, and a grief counselor will be available here at the school on Monday if anyone needs to talk to someone.”
The PA screeched as the ancient system shut off.
Becca said something hurriedly and ran back into the school. Colin didn't hear her anyway. The only thing that rang inside his head were the words
attacked by an animal.
Coldness seeped into Colin's bones as shards of memory pricked along the edges of his brain. He couldn't fully grasp why, but something didn't feel right.
He looked back across the football field, but the stranger in the fog was no longer there.
A
n eerie quiet had settled over the school as the students slowly left the grounds. Despite Principal Hebert's direct delivering of the news, it came as a shock to absolutely no one that the entire student body was developing their own theories on what actually happened.
Colin had returned to French class to retrieve his backpack, but everyone had already left. All that remained was a disturbing amount of vomit, and Colin couldn't help but feel a small stab of sympathy for Eric the janitor who would have to figure out how to get the stain out of the carpet. The goth twins were seldom apart and did most things together, but throwing up in unison? That was taking the
twins
thing a bit far.
Exiting the main building along with the last few stragglers, he was just in time to see Becca duck into the backseat of her father's black sedan. Mr. Emerson looked
unhappy and as imposing as ever. As the car pulled away, Becca looked back at Colin, and his heart skipped several beats. At least
that
was a normal reaction.
Near the main gate, Colin could see some tenth graders making fun of Kevin Hadfield who was still mostly covered in puke but didn't seem to notice anything. One of his friends had just been killed.
Puked on and then one of his only friends gets mauled by a wild animal.
Colin wished he could feel sorry for Kevin but remembering what he had put him through for the past year made it next to impossible.
As Colin walked down across the school grounds, he picked up bits and pieces of gossip from huddled groups of students.
“âheard Sam and Gareth got into a fight last night and Gareth threatened to beat him to death!”
“âno wild animals in Elkwood that could do that.”
“âdemon hamster. I bet that's what it was.”