Hadrian's Wall (19 page)

When there is excess or lack of such
stimuli, such as increase of stress or traumatic situations,
serious imbalances emerge. The mind cannot keep the standard of
consistency required to adequately feed the explanatory models,
which are nothing more than the ways we understand the world around
us and how we position ourselves in relation to it.

According to the doctor, among the various
types of deprivation, changes, and excesses (both organic and
psychological) that could cause these imbalances, it would be the
social isolation into which I sank during childhood. At that time,
I should have had had a very active imagination which was not
properly directed or exploited by my legal guardians.

It was like a snowball rolling downhill,
greatly increasing in proportion as it rolled. That is, my crises
provoked hostility from the other children and adults. As a result,
they labeled me “crazy” and I responded, making me even more shy
than I really was. Because of that, the crises gradually became
more intense and complex. This only increased the hostility of
others towards me and, consequently, the depletion of my social
relationships.

Apparently I had
subconsciously employed my fertile imagination to create a fantasy
world in which I lived, never realizing that what I’d done was to
ostracize myself from the real world in which I lived. That means
my hallucinations were a way to escape from harsh reality.
But why would I escape to a bad world?
Don’t people looking for the exact opposite? I
mean, we should fantasize a world of pleasure and happiness where
everything is perfect, shouldn’t we?

After that, I could only conclude that
diving into a hallucinatory process was so absorbing that it was
just one small step away from my anti-social life. Dr. Barringer
opened another link and a new text appeared on screen:

47) Psi
entry
:
Mythomania
- when the patient himself is entangled in a web of compulsive
lying
(...) But I was not a liar, so I
ignored this concept and skipped to the next entry—something about
the relationship between memories and false memories. (...)
The
screen
memories
are inseparable from
fantasy
. After all, the
memory may have little or nothing to do with the original
impression (which results from sensations gathered by the senses in
the environment.)

The screen memory appears
ahead or behind a perceptive record, (i.e., can be progressive or
regressive, respectively). It connects to this record, according to
the degree of
anxiety
caused by the content that needs to be suppressed - something
that according to psychoanalysis is an echo of the
t
rauma
(...)

Trauma. The primary factor,
before excesses, deprivation,
and all that
blah-blah-blah!

Well, my “visions” began on the day my
father died—and I was abandoned by my mother. First came the winged
creature. Later, the visions were becoming more sophisticated
—creating “tentacles” that went from the sleep to vigil and vice
versa, adding symbolic elements to those that already appeared in
my nightmares. Perhaps in the process, my mind has been inspired by
mythology for its defensive “blockbusters” (giant panthers, winged
creatures, warriors with yellow or scarlet eyes). According to the
doctor, there could be a connection between the dynamics of screen
memories and hallucinations as they both serve the same purpose—to
create a subterfuge for my mind to deal with the original trauma.
In another words, I was escaping from the pain of abandonment.

Did the attack of Simon Cridder, as well as
my whole stay in South Portland, result from false memories...from
an intricate process of defense? But...why does my mind twist
things around so much, especially after the things that happened to
me during childhood and other trauma that it might be trying to
cover up with these supposedly delusional memories?

“What else?” he asked, his hands resting on
the keyboard.

Conversion
and
dissociation
. Related cases
to...h
ysteria
?

No way, sir, I was not a hysterical
girl!

I think he ignored my indignant exclamation
on purpose. He continued saving the addresses of the sites,
occasionally explaining one or another topic. At one point he
suggested to me that I access them later in order to read them more
thoroughly.

“What’s the thing you most fear today?”

I looked down at the tabletop and thought
for a few minutes before I responded in order to make sure that my
answer was totally sincere. This was the moment of truth—to say
aloud my greatest fear since childhood. It wouldn’t help at all to
conceal my feelings of helplessness now if I really wanted the
doctor to help me.

“I fear being crazy.”

Dr. Barringer’s eyes narrowed. He pointed to
the screen where the image of a winged creature was displayed. The
figure bore a great resemblance to that of my hallucination, except
for one detail: It was funny! It looked like an owl, very cute,
with huge, loving red eyes, while my pet monster was more like a
terrifying amalgam of Freddy Krueger and the Creeper.

The legend below the “owl”
says:
Sightings of the
Mothman
in
Point Pleasant
. It means that other
people also had seen flying monsters? Why had I never found any
images of it on the Internet?
Because you
never investigated its background, silly!

Following my haunted eyes, Dr. Barringer
said, “This is the mothman, often seen in the late 1960s before a
disaster happens in West Virginia. There were some reports of
sightings in other states, even other countries, but never like in
West Virginia.

“Some believe it’s an
extraterrestrial creature made of pure energy that watches us and
feeds off our vitality. Some believe that it appears to announce
the disasters. Some believe it’s a supernatural being that has
lived with us since time immemorial. It was never proven whether or
not Mothman existed. The fact is that some researchers have tended
to agree that there was a kind of
hysterical manifestation of hallucinations
, dissociative and collective, on the occasion of the
sightings in West Virginia.”

But what does ‘hysterical manifestation of
hallucinations’ mean?

As if he could read the
question on my face, the doctor moved the mouse. The underlined
link conducted us to other text: (...)
Just like
psychosis
can be induced in healthy individuals subjugated
for people who suffer from this disease, external circumstances
unrelated to any personal bias or organic,
hysteria
can also manifest like
that. There are many examples of reports of harassment by “forces
beyond” or collective
possession
phenomena
that are triggered at the peak
of
religious rituals.
All reports done by apparently normal people.
(...)

Dr. Barringer pointed to
screen. “But we have to take into consideration that religious
rituals take on a particular meaning in every culture,” he mused.
“That particular meaning may influence the forms of registration
and classification of phenomena, as well as the intensity of
emotional reaction of people about these same phenomena in
different societies. Take the ancient peoples,” he said, pointing
to a suggestive illustration in black and white which appeared on
the screen. “For them, none of this was considered a sign of
madness. Their records of events and the measures adopted to deal
with them were different from ours. We live in an age of science
and technology so that nature’s phenomena are converted to related
meanings to our context and, therefore, they are understood
differently than our predecessors. However, does that mean that now
we have discovered the real truth? Supposedly
,
we know more than the ancient
peoples knew in their time, so how do we explain the happenings in
Point Pleasant in the middle of twentieth century?”

He paused for a moment
while clicking on another link.
Celtic
Legends
appeared. “To the Celts, the
Goddess mother had many facets and manifestations...in fury,
harmony, transformation, abundance, scarcity, maturity, decay, and
beauty. That means she represented the power of nature and even the
cycle of life. From the dreams that you described, many scenarios
and characters fit these legends. In fact, they seem almost a
perfect transcript of them...and all are available on the
Internet.”

I stared at him, once again
feeling offended. “What are trying to say...that I read about it
and my
hysterical
personality invented situations that didn’t happen so I could
monopolize the attention of an entire team of physicians,
residents, and nurses? That makes no sense! What about my cracked
ribs? What about the USB flashdrive...and my suitcase? How did I
know about the department store in South Portland...and Carmen, who
works there?”

I stopped to take breath and calm down
before he thought I was having an hysterical fit.

Dr. Barringer smiled calmly. “But if you
believe that you are actually going crazy, the picture that best
fits is the same as what you just described...so now what? The
downside of all this is that you have fear of going crazy and you
can’t trust anyone. The upside of all this: your reasoning remains
intact, always weighing the pros and cons of the events. Do you
want further proof of your current state of contradiction?”

“What contradiction?” I asked, confused.

“You cling to memories that indicate that
you were in Portland, but at the same time you’re afraid that
they’re signs of madness. The contradiction means that your
awareness is working full steam ahead to explain and make coherent
the facts that it’s capturing, which is a good sign.” He pointed to
the monitor where one more article appeared. “You didn’t lose your
reason. Your reasoning continues questioning, doubting...it can
stimulate your brain to overcome the trauma and put things in
place. Just don’t overload it. Let the all information being
accommodated to the previous information that you know and
understand. So, your own mind will give you the answers you need,
when you are ready to face them.”

“All this means what? That I have to sit and
wait?”

With one click, the Internet program was
shut down and then came the system information. Only when the
screen went dark, did the doctor turn to look at me.

“Do you remember what I asked you at the
beginning of the consultation?”

In doubt, I shook my head.

“What’s most important to you: finding a
comfortable and final truth or knowing what to do with your
experiences? Will this quest for your Holy Grail generate deadlocks
and fruitless discussions to resolve your case? Hallucination
versus social isolation. Neuro-vegetative symptoms versus fear of
the unknown. Dissociation versus inferiority complex. What will you
do with so many symptoms? Is it more important to you to
conceptualize them or fight them?”

He pointed his finger at me when I opened my
mouth to answer.

“Think before you answer. The diagnosis of
your problem—rather than lead you to healing, will it become
another type of escape route. It becomes easier when a pathological
mindset tells you who you are and how to behave. That’s much easier
than facing the unknown.

Euphemisms and Greek...I was well
served.

“And how can I face what you call ‘symptoms
and fears’”?

He gave a sly grin.

“The answers to your problems are WITHIN
YOU! Think about it.”

Tell me he didn’t just end
the consultation with that damn cliche!
I’m not a goddamn Kung Fu Panda!

“But one thing I can tell you,” he
continued. “Escape does not seem to be the best option. It will
only postpone the problem...and the symptoms tend to become
increasingly complex and resistant as time passes.

“Do you believe that my desire to go to
South Portland is an escape?”

“How do I know?” He opened his arms and
smiled ruefully. “I only know that if you leave now, you’ll never
find out what was compelling you.”

He pointed to the few
articles printed and said that the proposed game would have only
two rules:
READ and ASK. If I accept that
we change the dynamics of our consultations, the next session will
already be at that pace. In this case, I’d think about the
suggested readings. If I didn’t, then the diagnosis couldn’t be
worked out as fast as I desired. It was a work of shared
authorship.

That’s cool!

At each appointment, he would suggest
various aspects to assist me in the formulation of my diagnosis,
which meant that I would be in control of my treatment and when I
would be discharged. If I’d quit the game, the sessions would
return to the same protocol he’d planned from the beginning.

It was like an RPG—a role
playing game.
Cool!
I would appreciate it if I remained here. Clever doctor!
Although I harbored an inexplicable affection for him, I was
feeling manipulated. If I left Hadrian’s Wall, I would never attain
a satisfactory conclusion of treatment—at least not with this
doctor and not with what I wanted most— concrete answers. The worst
part was that I could not trust another doctor. Another doctor
would probably send me straight to the nut house, especially if he
knew even half of what I’d told Dr. Barringer.