Gone By (48 page)

“I can understand you gave your heart for her, its’ tragedy of life” she added.

“Just imagine I’ve been in love with her so deep and suddenly she walked out of my life leaving behind no reason how would I be feeling” my voice dimmed down.

I stood upright and walked towards the edge of the shore closer. Took few steps away from Isha, I stood watching at the deep stretching ocean far beyond the horizon. Isha followed me behind few seconds later.

“I can understand how you  must be feeling but it’s the trend of life Beatone. You got to be strong enough to live a life” Isha said.

She stood behind me. I turned on to face her. Placed my hand on her shoulder.

“I know Isha you have always been very supportive to me”.

“Look, when you’re strong enough to say goodbye life will reward you with new Hello” Isha added.

“Alright” I shrugged.

“I want you to see smile again” said Isha.

“Let’s walk back to our place” I asked her.

I curled my hand above her shoulder and walked back to the same place.

“So, what did happened later” she asked me.

She had the pen and the dairy all over again in her hand. For moment I said nothing but passed her a brief smile which was indeed a fake I delivered.

“Do you want to know the rest”.

“Of Course that’s what I’m here for” Isha added.

I began to narrate her again. I was seated again at the same place, she was just next to me. I wasn’t bored to narrate her because she was the only one who was so keen to know everything about my life. Moreover for the past fifteen days I had been spending my days only with her. Indeed we grew more closer to each other. I felt I knew her since ages. She began to script everything that came out of my mouth.

Since the time I had posted Anannya the last letter, I haven’t received any from her. I waited for days and nights. Days turned into months but nothing appeared right on my ways. I had tried contacting her with phone, messages. But, there were no answers from the other side. My Sunday visit to her were cut down. I had stopped visiting her since the last letter I had posted her. I could still remember the very moment I had posted her I did tried to make a call to her. There were no response from her. Neither she did replied to my messages. Yes, there was only one short message I could remember which she had delivered to me. She had requested me not to come the next Sunday but gave no reason behind that. I tried to know over and over again yet I couldn’t able to know from her. My days turned dark before my eyes and I couldn’t imagine how could she do that to me. It turned me silent and numb. My days were buried underneath the earth surface, even the nights began to chase me as the dark shadow of evil. Days passed on which turned into months.

It’s been almost a six months I had no news of her neither I had the strength to concern about. It did pressed my inner subconscious very hard, although I couldn’t stopped thinking about her but with the passage of time I had lost the real reason to concern about her. I had almost spent six months without her notice. Neither she cared about my life nor the love we had between each other. It was one day when a letter was posted into my door. I had collected the letter from the postmaster’s hand. He had come to deliver to my residence. I didn’t knew from where did the letter had come from. Since the time Anannya had stopped writing to me I had no letter from anyone else. It’s been after six months I had received an envelope with letter in it. I tore up the envelope and sat on my study table and began to read in the dim light.

Dear Beatone,

I’m writing this letter sitting on my study table, and I’m struggling hard because I don’t know how to say what I’m about to tell you. Part of me wishes that you were here so that I could do in person, but we both know that’s impossible. So here I’m groping for words with tears on my cheeks and hoping that you’ll somehow forgive me for what I’m about to write. I know this is terrible time for you. You and I shared something wonderful, and I never want you to forget that. Nor do I want you to believe that you didn’t mean as much to me as I did to you. You’re rare and beautiful, Beatone. I fell in love with you but more than that you made me realize what true love really means.

There’s so much more, too. When I close my eyes I see your face. When I walk it’s almost I can feel your hand in mine. Those things are still real to me. I understand your distance away from me did had an impact in our relation. I respect your chivalry you showed to me. Even though you were far distance away from me you have given your life to maintain our relation. But, we both know our relation changed as the distance didn’t want us to be together. We changed and in your heart I think you realized it. Maybe the time apart was too much, maybe it was just our different worlds. Somehow even though we still loved each other, we lost that magical bond that kept us together.

I know it would sound like an excuse but please believe me when I say I didn’t mean to fall in love with someone else. If I really don’t understand how it happened then how can you?. I just can’t continue lying to you and I don’t want to do that, even though I know you’ll feel betrayed. I’ll understand if you never want to talk to me again, just as I’ll understand if you tell me that you hate me. Even though you may not want to hear it, I want you to know that you’ll always be a part of me.

                                                                                                                                       I’m so sorry-

                                                                                                                                         Anannya

“Awww!! It so heartbreaking” said Isha looking at me.

“It was a terrible time for me”.

“So, what happened next” she asked. I began to speak out the rest part of my story.

PART III         

Twenty Eight

...............................

She was in love with someone else
.

I knew that even before I could finished reading the letter, and all at once the world seemed to slow down. My first instinct was to ram my fist into a wall, but instead I crumpled up the letter and threw it aside. I was incredibly angry then; more than feeling betrayed. I felt as if she’d crushed everything that had any meaning in the world between us. I hated her, and I hated the nameless, faceless man who’d stolen her from me. I fantasized what I would do to him if he ever crossed my path , that wasn’t so pretty. And with every thoughts that tickled my head I couldn’t resist but to feel the tremor inside me. The anxiety of feeling low gradually began to rouse when my world did turned into dark before my eyes. I had nothing nor any more reason to ask her back. Only the fact was to know the guy she had been love with. That night I couldn’t sleep. Through the whole hours of the night I only thought about the moments we had spent together which had no meaning to her. Within a piece of paper she had shattered the dream which I had been pondering for the last few years. But, I can’t deny the fact, to say it did turned into reality what the life has to give me. Night turned sleepless while the day began to shrink down with every sunrise. I felt I was squeezed with the broken beats of heart which I had to carry now for the rest of my life. Every steps I headed to move on with my life there was something I had been missing, that’s the reason why I couldn’t make any more sense where my world had been running. Part of me wanted to talk to her but I couldn’t believe the thing she had wrote to me. I thought of meeting her as soon as I read the letter.

It’s been almost more than seven months passed with no contact between us. Neither I could gather the courage anymore to speak to her through any means of communication. So near yet so far she had gone. I never thought I would see this day. But here I’m going through the moment I never wanted to appear in my life. No matter how many months passed by I know one thing to be true as ever, I’ll see her soon.

It’s been the eight month of my life where I had never seen her anymore. Neither we were in touch with each other. By now she must have realized that I had given up on her. But, that would be her false thought. I was still awake with my full conscious to see her one last time before we would be apart for the rest of the life. I never had a wish to see days like these. But, it was her choice which she had brought before me as the lessons of my life. I had nothing now but to keep gazing at the night sky at the darkest hour of the night. Days began to slip from my hand. A vast oceans of meaningless reason laid before me where I could find no answers but to keep it buried somewhere deep down of my body. To live alone is to search peace of mind, this is what I had been in search of for the past few months of my life.

It was Monday morning. I was late to wake up. I could still realized the following night I had dreamt about her. Still laid in bed with no realization that the day had broke out. When then I could hear a hard knock at my door. Of course it wasn’t nobody else but Peter the only Friend I had.

“Hey” he shouted outside of my door.

For some reason I had abandon myself from attending my daily duties. I stopped going to college for the past few days. I hurried up and welcomed him.

“What’s wrong with you” he demanded to know.

“I’m fine” I answered him taking a deep breath.

“You have been escaping the class hours for the last few days. Are you troubled by something” he intended to know.

“No..I’m fine with my life”.

“No..you’re having something in your mind. You got to tell me” Peter demanded strongly.

“I’m absolutely fine” I uttered.

He wanted the reason for my long absence for college. Neither I did gave him any reason for it. But considering him as one of my best buddies I ever had, all I could just let him believe me with the explanation I had given him. I promised the next day I would meet him in the college. He didn’t asked me more, instead he silently left my room. I know I had done ill mannered to him with my conduct. But, at that moment I couldn’t know to do anything. I was lost in dark dungeon, a soul without wings, a drifter with no aim, a soulless heart without home, that’s how I have been feeling for the past few months of my life.

I know how I have spent the last six months without her thinking that something new would happen this time. But , nothing evolved to be as new as I expected. Instead I have been awarded with a gift of wound inside. When my fragile heart was cracked it transformed into million pieces of disjoint cells which trembled every night and day. I could feel it even more than I could see nightmares in my dreams. Such era of my life never seemed so kind to me, it gave the cruel feeling of hatred and disrespect thought towards her even though my heart didn’t wanted to feel such enigmatic feelings which I could know to steer within myself. Whom to blame the cause of our erupted relation, should I surrender to hold the blame upon me. I couldn’t judge myself the degree of my mistake in front of her judgement.

Isha and I were still seated along the shore. I couldn’t narrate her anymore for that day. She halted her pen and closed the dairy. The roar of waves still prevailing on our sides. Gazing far across the vast ocean a dimmed view of a cargo ship approaching towards the port was the only scene at that hour of the time. Noon arrived by then and like always we were absorbing the rays that fell upon us.

“ So, What did you do later part of your story” Isha muttered.

“I would let you know later” I smiled.

“Alright..I would wait for that” she added.

“Let’s walk back” I insisted her.

We shuffled our steps back to the hotel way. On our way we had filled our empty pouch with some snacks which indeed refreshed us. This has been the second day we had completely spent our whole time sitting on a beach. Crowd began to crawl in as we headed back to the hotel room. Time was inch away from us by now. I could just realize the time looking at the position of the Sun. It was 3:00pm. For sure we were early to return back. I didn’t wanted to spent anymore outside that day but to spent the rest of the day inside until the next day would bloom. I had the diary as usual with me. More than half the pages were filled by now. Many were written by me whereas Isha also left her print out of my narration. That night I had an nostalgic memory about Anannya. Perhaps, it was after a year I did recalled her. She must have been happy with Gagan, but I didn’t force to think much about them. I knew we wouldn’t be back anymore neither I would look forward for our reconsideration of framing a new relation as friend. I would just want her to be happy, maybe that’s what is called true love. That night I was in the mist of loneliness even though I could spent time with Isha but that didn’t calm my heart. I sat by the window and kept gazing at the half moon that bloomed that night from my room. I held my diary in my hand and turned the page where Isha had stopped to write. I had no idea what was I doing. No reason why I have been writing those words. I couldn’t even know whom to dedicate this diary or is it my cynical nature that ruled on me. Without pause and fragile hesitation up in my mind I held a pen. I knew this would be my another sleepless night which will be adding up to my life. I began to write again. Maybe I was so deeply touched by my life and the love that I intimately needed that anywhere I would go there’s only one reason I would do, the reason for writing my story.