Gone (30 page)

Rebecca

Shots of Pain

The club, which is really just an oversized bar, is jammed to the rafters. “Wow, the Cornish start early,” I shout to Josh over the music. The bar is dark and there are clusters of tables lined all around the edge. Music pounds at a deafening level.

Turning to me he pulls me by our joined hands tight into his side. “There are about five Cornish people in here, everyone else is a tourist.” He speaks right into my ear and a wave of goose-bumps spread along my hairline. Josh slides his arm around my back and his fingers graze over the exposed skin revealed by the slash in the gold silk as he weaves us around clusters of tables until he gets to the table he is looking for. “Hey losers,” he shouts when his feet come to a stop.

Andrew and Faye are leaning over the table together, heads tilted towards one another. There is no sign of Dan for which I breathe an enormous sigh of relief. Whilst I was all bravado in the art shop yesterday, I was only trying to get him to back off. I never had any desire to sit making small talk with him all night.

I want tonight to be fun.

Faye glances up and smiles at Joshua jumping out of her chair and throwing her arms around his neck. She squeezes him so tight and for a couple of moments he releases his firm grasp on me and wraps her in his arms whispering something in her ear. I could have felt excluded but before the emotion has any time to settle over me Faye flings her arms around me as well. “So glad you came out. We need to party!”

I laugh as I squeeze her back. “Why are we having a party?”

“Well lookie what we have here,” A voice booms loudly over the music behind us. I don’t need to turn to see who it is, I recognise the tone immediately and feel Joshua’s shoulders stiffen as his fingers instantly reach out and entwine with mine binding us together. “The prodigal son returns!” Josh turns to face Dan and plasters a smile on his face. It’s not his natural cheek splitting grin. It’s fake and forced.

“Hey, Dan, good to see you.” Josh says. I offer him a smile and a small wave.

“Well it’s good to have you back?” Dan says with a squeeze on Joshua’s arm.

Joshua looks around the bar, his fingers still grasping mine tightly. “Do you know what, Dan, it’s great to be back as well.”

“Shots!” Dan shouts as another track with a thumping base cranks louder than the tune blaring out before.

“Your round.” Josh laughs, the sound of his laughter far louder than the music and he drops his long legs into a low seat pulling me down to sit on his lap. I giggle again, this giggling business is getting ridiculous, and lean myself back against him.

“You’
re happy,” I turn and say into his ear.

“Yeah I am,” he says with his lips close to my earlobe. I lean myself back against him tighter still and his arms wrap around my waist.

“I don’t like these jeans,” I say nodding my head towards Joshua’s choice of outfit.

“Why on earth wouldn’t you like my jeans?”

I give a little wiggle of my bum to make my point.

“Oh, that’s dirty, Rebecca.”

“Bex.”

“
Rebecca.”

“Very funny.”

A shot glass is thrust under my nose which I take in my hand. Everyone else takes a glass except Joshua. I turn to him with a quizzical glance and he motions driving a car at me.

“Are you washing the dishes?”

“Funny and cute. You’re too good to be true.”

I knock my shot back, letting the sharp liquid line my mouth before swallowing it down. “Look she’s a pro,” Dan shouts. “Bex, you forgot your lemon and salt.”

I glance at the tray that has wedges of lemon and a shaker of salt on it and offer a shrug. I twizzle myself on Joshua’s lap so my lips can find his mouth and kiss him with a tequila fuelled smacker. His hands slide along my jean clad legs until they reach my arse and hips which he anchors down towards his lap. “I’m liking your jeans,” he says mouth against mine.

“Yeah why’s that?” I’m completely losing focus on the crowd around us. All I can feel is his hands on me and the beat of his heart thumping through his chest against my own.

He rocks my hips slightly and I laugh.

“Joshua!”

He leans forward so his words are only for me. “I can’t wait to take them off later.” Even just his words make a lance of fire settle deep in the pit of my stomach.

“Is that so?”

“That’s so.”

Another shot glass is thrust between us. “You may as well have Josh’s,” Dan says. I keep my eyes on Josh as I knock the fluid back.

“Take it easy, I made a promise to your dad.” Josh speaks straight into my ear so the others can’t hear.

For a moment I feel the old Rebecca struggle to come out of her box. I hate being told to behave or conform but Josh is grinning at me and I can easily clamp her back down.

“I’ll take it easy,” I lean in and tell him. “But because you just made me a promise, not because you made my dad one.” And with that I get up from his lap and turn to Faye. “Will you help me find the loo, and then I need to dance, and I am guessing Mr. Sober isn’t going to be doing any dancing.”

Faye laughs and starts to get up linking her arm through mine, “Josh always dances no matter the alcohol level.” I raise an eyebrow at this piece of information which makes Joshua smile wider.

“I have many talents.” He shouts as we walk away.

“You better.” I wink without missing a beat. But the truth is I know he does already, and I am not just talking about the painting or the surfing.

Faye and I are staring at ourselves in the bathroom mirror being jostled by a whole bunch of girls, some older than others and many of whom have a serious amount of sunburn. For once in my life I’m grateful for the freckles and the need to wear factor fifty even during the winter months.

“You know,” Faye says as she wipes at a smudge of eyeliner. “I’ve never seen Josh the way he is with you before.”

“What? Ever?”

“No not really, even before, when we used to come here all the time, he would never have sat snogging anyone in a bar like that! Never!” She giggles like Joshua’s new PDA’s are highly amusing to her.

“How long has it been since he last came out?” I ask.

“About six months.”

“Can I ask what stopped him coming?”

Faye turns to me and sweeps a lock of my straightened hair away from my face. “I don’t think he wants to keep secrets from you, Rebecca, it’s just for a very long time he hasn’t been able to admit what happened to himself. I think the moment he tells you will be when he closes his door on the past. I hope so anyway.”

I ponder her words in silence for a moment. I want to probe more but then I have a strong feeling I need to respect Joshua’s need for space. I have to remember this was only supposed to be a fling and there is still lots of stuff I never planned to tell him. Still haven’t told him.

“I wish you would stay. I like the Josh who skinny dips and snogs in bars!”

“How did you know about that?” I shout.

“Josh and I have been friends for a very long time, there is no chance he would do anything that exciting and not tell me.”

“Oh god does that mean he told you about last night?”

“What?!” It’s her turn to shout. “What happened last night?”

“Nothing at all.” I laugh and flush at the same time.

“Wow.” She muses turning to face the mirror.

“Wow what?”

“Well, uh, that’s a big thing. He must be desperate for you to stay.”

“It’s just a fling.” I say although I don’t really mean it. I no longer believe this was ever just a fling.

“Can’t you stop running and stay?” she asks, her face suddenly serious.

No one, not even Joshua knows about my conversation with my parent’s earlier, nor the fact they have offered to pay for my fees at the local Uni. And no one knows about the fact I am almost decided to stay.

It’s definitely not a fling.

I register her words which confuses me for a moment. “How do you know I am running?”

“Because you were running when you came into town, don’t think I don’t know how quick the house sale went through. I know that my parents let yours move into the cottage before the sale was completed, and I know that you will still be running when you leave.”

I turn back and look at myself in the mirror. Somehow during our words she has managed to twist me towards her. “What if I am walking when I leave and walking when I come back?”

Faye grins at me. “What if you stay here and walk around with Josh, and walk to the local college, and walk back home again and hang with us, because things are better when you are here. Much better.”

“How about we let what happens happen and just go and dance. I haven’t danced in months and now I really feel like it.”

Faye grabs my hand. “That I can do.”

We push out onto the dance-floor and although I purposely keep my face turned away from Joshua out of the corner of my eye I can see him watching me. I turn my back and close my eyes, allowing the music and the base to flood through my body, and then finally for the first time in what feels like an age I start to dance. It comes back easier than I expected and before I really know what I am doing I am lost in the music.

The tune changes and I feel hands on my hips. I have my eyes closed and my hands above my head as I move to the beat, the hands gently turn me around and as I open my eyes I gaze straight into Joshua’s greens. “Now I see what your talent is.”

His words make me feel something. Pride. Time to let one more secret go.

“It’s what I used to do.” I speak directly into his ear and his arms slide around my body tucking me in tight as he slows my pace down.

“What is?”

“Dance.”

“What made you stop?”

“Everything.”

“When.”

“Two years ago.”

Josh unravels one arm from around my waist and lifts his fingers to my face which he cups gently in his palm. Such an intimate act for a packed dance-floor filled with people making out. My heart starts to thud its own pounding rhythm against the music.

“You should never stop doing what you love,” he says. We are standing dead still, no movement from either of us as his dark green eyes sweep over my face reading every inch of it. My heart starts to pound quicker and quicker. It’s pounding for him. Beating through me with a rhythm of its own.

“Didn’t you? With your painting?” My voice feels tight in my throat.

“Yes, but because of you I have found it again.” His lips hover down and kiss me with the gentlest kiss I have ever experienced. He moves in towards me so our bodies are flush and no space exists between us and as he does my head spins with words that I want to say. That it’s crazy because I have known him one and a half weeks but I think I may be in love with him. That I don’t ever want to walk away from him, and that I want him, not his friend to ask me to stay. That I want him to promise me that he will help me battle the old Rebecca until the end of time, or until the end of my days. That every day from here on in he can fill my world with the calm essence of the moon that only he can provide. And that more than all the other things I want him to be the one who stops me running. The one who holds me still. The one to prove to me that bad stuff does not always happen to me. That sometimes a girl like me deserves something else.

I pull my mouth away ready to say something, anything.  Ready to tell him that I am going to stay. That I am no longer going to run from who I am or what I’ve done. “Josh.”

My words are stopped by another shot glass being thrust between us.

“Okay break it up, guys.” Dan smiles with his words.

“You’ve always had impeccable timing.” Josh smiles too, the good feelings seem to be extending to everyone.

“Here you go Rebecca,” Dan says. He passes me the shot glass and gives me a wink which I try and ignore.

“Thanks.” I knock it back and scrunch my face, “What is that?” The liquid had a bitter edge that is lingering on my tongue.

“Just Vodka.” He assures me

“No drink for the driver then?” Josh asks.

“Nah, mate, you know my rule.”

Josh stiffens a little. “Yeah I remember.” He turns to me, “You okay dancing? I’m going to go and grab a coke.”

“I’ll come with you,” I offer.

“Nah, stay and dance with me.” Dan links his fingers through mine and prevents me from following Joshua off the floor.

“Sure,” I say. I turn away from Joshua’s retreating figure and start to move myself to the tune again. Dan doesn’t try and get too close so after a few minutes I start to relax and just let the music take me to the happy place it gives me. As the track changes for the third time I realise that my head is starting to feel very fuzzy. I’m not overly surprised. My alcohol consumption has been way below average the last two weeks, it’s probably a shock to the system.

“I’m gonna find Josh,” I say to Dan who is still making his crazy dance moves by my side.

“Sure, I’ll come with you.” He takes my elbow in his hand guiding me in the opposite direction of the bar.