Going Under (28 page)

No matter how I tried to change the subject to something safe, it always came back to remind me how weren’t together anymore, but how desperately I wanted to be again.

When we pulled up at the house where Harley and Ozzy lived, I saw two little heads bobbing up and down in a big window at the front of the house. I laughed at the sight and said, “I think I just spotted two little boys eager to see their big brother.”

“I have to admit I’m eager to see them, too. It’s been too long.”

The front door slung open and two of the cutest little boys came running across the lawn, nearly tackling Jessie right there in the grass. He picked them up and swung them both at the same time. “Ooooh, I missed you guys so much!”

“We missed you too, Jess,” the bigger one of the two said.

He put them down and the smaller one chimed in and said, “You told us you would come back and you did.”

“I always keep my promises, don’t I?” he asked.

“Yes,” they answered simultaneously.

“Now, I have someone I want you to meet.” I walked over to the boys and squatted down on their level as Jessie introduced me. “This is Claire.”

I put out my hand for a shake and the older boy took it. “You must be Harley. I’ve heard some very good things about you.”

“Are you Jessie’s girlfriend?” he asked suspiciously.

Jessie saved me by saying, “Claire is my friend and I wanted her to come meet you and Ozzy because she is very special to me.”

Harley giggled and said, “That means she’s your girlfriend.”

Jessie looked at me and shrugged like he was going to let that one go so I did, too.

Ozzy was hiding behind Jessie’s leg peeking his head out at me. I squatted even lower to speak to him because Jessie had told me he had a tendency to be shy around people he didn’t know. I spoke softly as I said, “Hello, Ozzy. It’s very nice to meet you.”

He came running out from behind Jessie’s leg and launched himself on me, giving me a hug I wasn’t expecting, but one I welcomed. I put my arms around him and smiled at Jessie when I saw the amazed look on his face. Ozzy hopped up on my hip and put his head on my shoulder like an oversized toddler, but I let him because it seemed to make him happy.

“He never does that with anyone. I’m not sure he has ever hugged Mrs. Stevens that way and he’s been living with her for months.”

“I guess he’s like his brother. He has great taste in girls,” I laughed.

A couple appearing to be in their mid-thirties walked out of the house after giving us a few minutes with the boys. “Hi, Jessie. It’s good to see you, again. Harley and Ozzy have really been looking forward to seeing you today and I see you have a friend with you. I’m Heather and this is my husband, Brian.”

I offered the hand not holding Ozzy up on my hip and introduced myself. After we briefly discussed when to return the boys, we left with them and headed toward the park.

I occasionally looked into my rearview mirror at the boys sitting so tall in their booster seats. It felt a little strange to have children in my car and I laughed at myself when I realized I was driving super slow. I looked in the mirror at what beautiful little boys Harley and Ozzy were and wondered how a mother could care so little about them.

I reached over and touched Jessie’s leg just because I wanted to and said, “I packed a picnic lunch in case we got to take them out. I didn’t mention it earlier because I didn’t know what to expect, but it’s in the trunk. It’s just sandwiches, chips and drinks because I didn’t know what they liked. Nothing special.”

I looked forward as I drove, but I could see him looking at me and I briefly turned to him before putting my eyes back on the road. “Is that not okay?” I asked.

He reached for my hand and brought it to his lips. He kissed the top of my hand and grazed it along his face, then whispered, “I know it’s not part of the friend pact, but I have to tell you something. I love you more right now than I ever have. No one has ever done anything like that for them.”

Wow. Never dreamed peanut butter and jelly sandwiches would make him break the friend pact like that. It was a little surprising how such a simple act could mean so much to him and it gave me a glimpse into how terrible his childhood must have been.

As we sat under a large tree on a blanket, I divvied out the food. “Jessie brought us a birthday cake and we ate it at the picnic tables, but I’ve never had a real picnic on the ground before,” Harley said before he took a bite of his sandwich. Although his mouth was full of sandwich, he continued, “I like this a lot.”

“Don’t talk with food in your mouth,” Jessie told him.

Ozzy wasn’t eating his sandwich, so I asked, “Are you not hungry?”

“I was just thinking about something,” he replied.

Curious about what a four year-old could think so hard about, I asked him to tell me what was on his mind and he asked, “Do you and Jessie kiss?”

His question caught me extremely off guard and I didn’t know the appropriate answer to give a young child. I looked to Jessie for a little help, but he was too busy laughing as he waited to hear my response to Ozzy’s question.

“We have kissed,” I said.

He looked thoughtful, then continue his line of questioning. “Do you love each other?”

I looked back at Jessie, but he shrugged, letting me know I had this one on my own. Since he wasn’t willing to help me, I wasn’t making him privy to my answer, so I leaned over and whispered in Ozzy’s ear, “I love Jessie very much.”

Ozzy raised up on his knees and pulled me down to his level so he could whisper in my ear. “Will you marry Jessie and be my new momma since mine is dead?”

I felt the blood drain from my face and Jessie must have saw it because he interrupted our whisper session by telling Ozzy to stop stalling and eat. I looked at Jessie with gratitude for the interruption because I didn’t know how to answer this child’s question.

When we finished eating, we went to the playground and stayed until it was time to take the boys back to the Stevens’. “Come on, boys. It’s time to take you home,” Jessie announced and they both groaned, but obeyed without any trouble.

It was heartbreaking to watch Jessie as he was forced to leave them, but I knew it was in their best interest at the moment. He promised them he would be back to see them soon and they knew he would, so it made the goodbye a little easier.

We got into my car to drive away and saw their two little heads in the window watching us as we drove away. “What did Ozzy whisper in your ear today?”

I hesitated because I wasn’t sure I wanted to tell him or keep it a secret between me and Ozzy, but I decided to let him in on the secret. “He wanted to know if we were going to get married so I would be his mom.”

“Oh. I’m sorry about that,” he apologized.

“No, don’t be sorry because I’m not. It was very sweet of him to think of me that way.”

“They adored you, but I knew they would. Especially Ozzy. Now you see what my life is going to be like when I get them back. It’s not going to be college parties and having fun with friends. It’s going to be all about taking care of two little kids.”

It suddenly registered with me. That was why he brought me today. He wanted me to see and understand the responsibility he had to those two little boys. He wanted to use them to scare me away, but he was wrong. The responsibility of caring for his brothers didn’t scare me at all.

“This was all about us going to the same college. You don’t want me to get my hopes up about being together.”

He didn’t answer and I continued, “Did you really think your responsibility to them would send me running?” I asked harshly.

“Yeah, I sort of did,” he admitted. “I love them, but they’re a huge responsibility and not one every teenager would want to be tied to, so I thought you should see what it is I have on my plate sooner rather than later.”

“Maybe you were right for showing me what a huge responsibility you have with them, but you were wrong about the other part. You are not going to scare me off that easily.”

34 Kimosabe

Jessie

Seeing Claire with my brothers only confirmed how right she was for me, but it didn’t change the fact that I was wrong for her. She didn’t deserve to go from being a carefree teenager with a bright future to being drug down by someone like me. I thought she would see what getting mixed up with me actually meant and she’d run in the opposite direction, but she didn’t and it only made me want her more.

Harley and Ozzy were crazy about her and she seemed to return the same affection for them. It wasn’t how I expected things to go. She was so natural with them, like they had known each other forever. I laughed as I thought about Ozzy’s peculiar connection with Claire. He didn’t open up to people easily and I think I envied their connection because he seemed to prefer her over me. In fact, he chose to cling to her most of the day instead of playing on the playground.

I spent the rest of the day wondering if I had made the wrong decision by taking her with me to see them. Had I opened a door I couldn’t close by allowing her into that part of my life?

When I pulled into the drive, I saw Rita’s car and cursed to myself. I really wanted to avoid her today because I knew it was about time for her to send me out again.

I walked in her house, which she took every opportunity to remind me of, and saw her sitting on the couch smoking a Camel. “Bout time you brought your ass back.”

“I went to see Harley and Ozzy,” I informed her, not that she cared, and I wasn’t surprised when she didn’t ask how they were.

“I’ve got some dime bags on the table I want you to sell today,” she said, then took a puff on her cigarette.

I always thought being around cigarette smoke after I quit would make me want to smoke again, but something about the sight of her made me wonder why I had ever taken it up in the first place.

I looked over at the table and saw about a dozen bags of dope. “I can’t sell all of that tonight.”

“You can or you won’t sleep here tonight,” she threatened.

I had homework I needed to do instead of out being a thug for her, but that was the beauty of having Rita as a grandmother. She couldn’t care less and that was what was going to make leaving and never coming back so damn easy.

I jerked the bags of dope off the table and went back to my truck. I hit the road on the way to Collinsville because I wouldn’t infiltrate East Franklin with her trash.

I got on my phone and made some calls to line up some sales. I called the same old customers I had sold to for years and luckily had half the stash sold at one stop.

I pulled up at the apartment complex I had frequented a thousand times. I got out and knocked on the same door I had always gone to first. The door swung open and a big, burly guy stood in the doorway.

He put out his fist for a bump and said, “Jess, good to see you. You haven’t been around in a while.”

I didn’t want to be here now, but I didn’t have a choice. “Yeah, I don’t make it over here a lot since I’m in Franklin now.”

“Come in, dude,” he offered.

I didn’t want to get stuck talking, or worse-staying while they sampled the merchandise. “Nah, I can’t stay. I’ve got some more places to be. You know, people waiting on their shit,” I said like this whole thing was cool with me.

“You can come in while I get your money. We can’t make this exchange standing in the door for anyone walking by to see,” he said and turned to walk toward the back of the apartment.

I knew he was right, so I walked in the apartment and closed the door behind me. I saw several guys sitting in the living room. “Hey, you’re that guy that ripped me off a few months ago,” one of them said as he came up off the couch.

He was probably right. Twyla had me ripping people off left and right. He was fast and I didn’t have time to react. The guy punched me in the face with his fist and I saw my blood spray the wall. One of the guys yelled, “Hell, yeah!”

He wrestled me to the floor and I got on top of him and punched him a few good times, but his friends weren’t going to sit back and watch me beat his ass. I heard one of his friends say, “We’ll teach you to come around after ripping somebody off.”

I felt a hard kick to my back and an excruciating pain accompanied it. I took another kick to my abdomen, then a pop to the back of my head and I felt the warm ooze of blood down the back of my head onto my neck and shoulders.

I propelled myself toward the door and swung it open because there was no way I could win such an uneven fight. They must have felt like they had taught me my lesson because I somehow I managed to get away from the trio and find refuge in my truck. I sped out of the apartment complex and onto the road toward Rita’s.

I reached into my pocket and discovered I had lost every last bag of dope in the shuffle. I slammed my fist against the steering wheel of my truck. “You are so stupid!” I shouted to myself.

When I pulled back into the yard at Rita’s, I dreaded the fight we were about to have and wondered if she would throw me out.

I walked in her trailer and she said, “That was fast. I believe you’re getting as good as your mother was.”

As I stood there covered in blood, I became furious with her. Could she not see how I could have been killed? Did she not care at all? Then, I remembered who I was talking to and remembered how she didn’t care if someone killed me as long as she sold her dope.