Going Solo (New Song) (16 page)

She woke up at the end of one of her listless evenings after Carson had got in from work. He was tiptoeing around after showering to get all the grease off and he was just hauling on his boxers. Alice propped up herself on a pillow and looked at Carson seriously.

"I want you to make love to me like it was our first time and none of the past few months happened."

Carson almost tumbled over his left foot—he had not put it through his boxers yet. He pulled up the boxers hurriedly.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes," Alice said. "It's not as if I am going to get pregnant." She said wryly.

"Oh, Princess." Carson lowered himself to the bed beside her. "I am so sorry."

"No." Alice shook her head. "There is nothing to be sorry about. Pretend as if I was not raped and this is my first time. We've talked about it before. You know you've thought about it, probably more than me." She grinned. "Carson, let's forget, okay?"

"Okay." Carson swallowed. He nibbled her fingers and she giggled.

It was so nice to hear her giggle that he kissed her all the way up to her shoulders then blew in her ear. "I see them doing that in the movies. Does that work?"

Alice looked at him solemnly. "Just you touching me works. I love you."

"I love you too, Princess Alice of Norwood."

January 1, 1998

Alice was five and a half months pregnant. It was her eighteenth birthday. She was married but she hated her baby. She hated it with a passion. She would not listen to anyone who told her that children were a blessing from God. What did they know?

She did not want this child. It was not a mistake. It was not even a case of her having unprotected sex with a guy she liked or was fooling around with. It was not a case of being careless. It was a case of rape. Try as she might, she could not find a bright side to her situation. She was raped by a man who was walking around scot-free, pretending to be a saint.

She was so down, her head felt heavy. She was all cried out. Tears did not solve anything, did it?

Carson had made her a special breakfast before heading to work and Delores had gotten her three new maternity dresses as a birthday present. She only had one dress that could accommodate her burgeoning belly.

By afternoon, she was feeling hemmed in and so tired of the house that she got up and headed to the end of the dirt track in their lane where there was a tank. It was near midday, and she walked up to the top of it. It was a big square concrete thing that was partially covered. She looked into the green looking water, batting back the moss, she saw her reflection in ripples.

She hated her face, her breasts, and her hair. She hated herself. Maybe she should just end it. Only Carson would miss her anyway and he would get over her eventually. He was young. Someday she would be just a memory—the girl he had married out of pity because she was raped, and got pregnant for the rapist—a girl who was too poor to afford an abortion, or too stupid to take a morning-after pill.

She took off her slippers to climb into the tank. She felt a dark presence spurring her on.

Do it
. The presence seemed to taunt her. She had not even jumped in the water yet and her ears felt stopped up. She put one foot on the edge of the tank, when clear as day she heard a voice say. "Don't do it Alice." She looked behind her. "Cast all your care on me Alice. I'll care for you," the voice said again.

"But I don't want to live anymore," Alice said, a sob escaping her throat. "Please, I don't want to live."

She placed her feet on the edge of the tank again, and the voice said urgently, "You are weary and burdened, Alice. I'll give you rest
.
"

"But he raped me," Alice said, putting up her other foot and tethering on the edge.

She was still going to jump but when she tried, somebody grabbed her from behind. It was Carson. He had been at work and felt an urgent need to come home and spend lunchtime with her. He had been just in time to see her heading for the tank.

That was when Carson realized that he could not cope with her by himself, and so she had a short stay at the Cornwall Regional Hospital, under a suicide watch.

Chapter Sixteen

Alice woke up early and made herself a cup of tea. She and Carson had stayed up talking long into the night. She had even shed a few tears over details she had not really remembered about that dark day, until she had rehashed the events with Carson. She had never been so low in her life and she never wanted to be that low ever again.

She sat down at the nook and looked out as the day slowly came alive. First, a little red bird flew to the window and made a soft chirping sound. He butted the glass like he wanted to come in, then flew away after some minutes.

She sipped her tea slowly. Maybe she would move in with Carson and Mia, and give living-with-them a try. She had two weeks left in Jamaica, after all. She looked up as Carson came into the kitchen, smiling.

"You look good right there. I could get used to seeing you right there in the mornings."

"I was thinking about that." Alice cleared her throat. "I was thinking that I should move in for the rest of my stay, if that's okay with you and Mia."

"It's okay with me." Carson grinned. "It's more than okay. I guess you can ask Mia when she gets down if it's okay with her?"

Alice looked at the clock on the wall and grimaced. "It's early. Does she have to wake up so early in the summer?"

Carson nodded. "Yup. She is fine with it though. She loves opening the shop and doing her morning ritual of putting on her overalls and making sure her tool belt is okay, like a true garage girl."

Carson came over to her and kissed her on the cheek. "I am happy we talked and got all of the baggage out in the air."

"Does it change the way you think about Mia?" Alice asked. "I mean knowing who her er...biological father is?"

"Nothing will change the way I think about Mia?" Carson said. "The fact is she's mine. I am willing to share her with you though, if you want?"

Alice shook her head. "I am taking baby steps where the whole motherhood thing is concerned. I don't know if I will ever want to be her mother though or even if I can be."

"You can do it." Carson took up a tangerine from the fruit bowl and pegged it. "I believe in your strength."

"Are you ever going to tell her?" Alice asked, "About what happened back then?"

Carson sighed. "We will have to one day, and when I say we, I mean both of us together. We'll tell her a very light version. I am not sure when would be the right time though, maybe when she's an adult. How do you explain to a child that she was conceived in a brutal act of violence, without it having a negative impact on her? I've thought about it in the past. No time is ever going to be the right time to tell her.

I used to say to myself, next time Mia asks about you, I'd tell her a sanitized version of what happened but now I am finding out that I didn't even know what really happened. I am now glad I said nothing. Honestly, I am still smarting from the fact that I was left in the dark."

Alice turned away her head. "Sorry."

"You should be!" Carson said sternly. "I deserved to know. You had me going to look for Pastor Keen all the way in Comfort Hall, where he now lives in the nursing home and reading to him, thinking it was the least I could do for him since he was so good to me when I was younger. Instead, I am just now discovering that he was the one who derailed our lives. He nearly caused you to..." He sighed. "Today is a new day."

Alice gave him a half smile. "I wish I had your personality, to be able to shrug things off and say that today is a new day."

"My personality," Carson held her chin and looked into her eyes, "came from years of fine tuning and showing loads of patience toward you in the early days, raising a baby girl on my own and starting a business. I have had practice, I can tell you that."

"Daddy, can you do my hair please?" Mia came down the stairs with her hair in a cloudy mass of curls around her head. She had a comb and two red scrunches clutched in her hand.

Carson swung around from Alice when Mia gasped.

"Alice. Are you going to be living with us?"

Alice looked from her to Carson.

Carson's expression was saying,
See, I told you it wouldn't be a problem
.

"Just for two weeks. I leave at the end of the month." Alice murmured. She pushed away the tea that was in front of her and crossed her hands. "Would you like some breakfast?"

"Yes," Mia said in a rush. "I would." She was grinning from ear to ear.

"What would you like?" Alice asked, a warm feeling touching her at how excited Mia was that she was staying.

"I would like orange juice and toast," Mia said.

"And you, Carson?"

Carson shook his head. "Nothing for me please, I never eat this early."

While Alice busied herself with fixing toast and orange juice, Carson combed Mia's hair in the style that she wanted and in this scene of domestic bliss, Emilia entered the house. When her eyes saw who was fixing breakfast for Mia, she gasped at the door.

Everyone turned to see her and she put her hand over her mouth, "Alice?"

Alice looked at her mother, taking her in. She had not changed much, except for a streak of gray hair in the front of her hair and a few lines around her mouth which were not there before.

"It's me," Alice said awkwardly, putting the plate down before Mia.

"Aunty Em, my mom is here," Mia said excitedly.

Alice felt a tingling of shock race through her. Mia called her
mom
. Carson was looking between the two women. He cleared his throat before Emilia could respond to Mia.

"Well now, Emilia. I had no idea you'd be here so early."

Emilia nodded. "I know. I have a dental appointment later today. I thought I'd come early and leave early." She was staring at Alice while she talked.

"I can't believe that you are here," she said, transfixed. "It has been a long time."

Alice nodded jerkily. "Yes."

Mia said brightly, "Daddy, can I stay home today since Alice will be here?"

Carson looked at Alice and she shook her head imperceptibly. She did not want Mia to be around when she spoke to her mother.

"Not today, Muffin. Alice has some stuff to do."

Mia looked disappointed and Alice felt as if she had kicked a puppy. Was this how it was going to be? Already she felt a little hemmed in. Maybe staying here would not be such a good thing. How was it possible for Mia to be so attached to her in such a short space of time? She could feel the invisible bonds that Mia was attaching to her and she did not like it. She was fighting an inward battle and she forced herself to put a smile on her face and respond.

"Tell you what, Mia. I'll pick you up later. You can help me move from the motel."

"Yes," Mia said nodding.

Carson kissed Alice on the forehead and whispered, "Show mercy to Emilia. See the situation through her eyes."

"Come Mia. Stop playing with the toast. We both know you don't eat breakfast this early either."

Alice smiled when Mia looked at her apologetically.

"Don't worry about it," Alice said, "I'll eat it."

"Bye, Alice," Mia said regretfully. Her big brown eyes clung to Alice's like she did not want to move.

"Bye, Mia. See you later," Alice responded. She watched as Mia hugged Emilia and then gave her one last look before going out the door with her father.

Emilia came further into the kitchen and sat down. "I never thought I'd see you again, at least not here." She had tears in her eyes.

Alice was not quite as stiff as she appeared outwardly either. This was her mom. She had not let herself remember any good times they may have had because she did not wanted to forgive her. She had seen her collusion with Pastor Keen as a deep betrayal. He should have paid for his crime toward her and God knows how many other girls there were.

She looked at Emilia and shook her head. "I hated you for a number of years."

"You said that in the past tense. Does that mean you don't hate me anymore?" Emilia asked, hopeful.

"No," Alice said, "I don't. It's a waste of time. I guess to a certain point I can understand why you made that deal with Pastor Keen. Carson said I should see things from your perspective." She sighed. "I am here in Jamaica to confront my past and lay it to rest in order to move on fully with my life."

Emilia nodded. "It's so good to see you. You look very well." She looked like she was itching to say more but she was treading cautiously. Alice nodded and then Emilia said, "So what about Mia and Carson? Are you guys a family again?"

"No" Alice said, looking down at her fingers. "I don't know if I can love Mia. I never wanted her and I am living proof that you can have a child and not feel a bond to that child. This sucks because I love Carson but he and Mia are a package."

"She's such a wonderful person," Emilia said, "Friendly and affectionate. None of what happened was her fault. It's going to break Mia's heart when you leave."