Goddess (21 page)

He took off from the vantage of the dune and flew a long way around towards the direction in which Lazar headed, careful that he didn’t risk exposing himself.

Arafanz was sitting by her side. ‘Should I fetch someone? The old man who took care of your bathing has delivered babies in his time.’

She recalled old Soraz with a soft smile as she took Arafanz’s hand. ‘Don’t look so worried. Lyana will take care of me. It is too early. These are warning pains, that’s all—at least I think they are. And if the baby comes early, he will come with or without anyone’s permission. Let us face that when it happens. He knows what to do and my body will guide me.’ He bowed his head and Ana felt her heart go out to him. When he was like this—so tender, so caring—he was irresistible. ‘It is kind of you to bring me to your room.’

‘I want to be able to watch you. You scared me today.’

‘Are you sure you want to give up your bed? I could easily—’

He lifted his gaze to hers. ‘Ana, I could sleep on the hard ground for all the difference it would make to me! I am mindful, however, that you should be in a real bed, not on this desert pallet.’

‘Perhaps you forget that I too am of the desert, Arafanz. I spent the first thirteen summers of my life sleeping on the ground.’

‘We are more suited than we give each other credit for, then,’ he replied in an attempt to lighten the leaden atmosphere.

Neither of them smiled.

‘Do you regret your part in this?’ she asked gently.

He shook his head miserably. ‘No,’ he answered with vehemence. ‘But I regret yours.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘I wish you weren’t involved. Why couldn’t you be like the Valide, for instance? Then it would be easy to carry out my task to feel nothing for you.’

‘How
do
you feel?’ The question tumbled from her before she could censor herself. She regretted her rashness immediately; she was opening up a pathway to him that should remain closed.

His gaze dropped again and he looked like a wounded animal awaiting the fall of an axe. ‘I feel despair.’

Ana knew what he meant but tried to backtrack, twist his meaning. ‘You’re frightened of what’s ahead.’

‘No,’ he said again, ‘that’s not it. I am not frightened of what’s ahead, other than losing you.’

‘Arafanz, there is no—’

‘I know, don’t say it. You’ve undone me enough. These past few months have allowed me to glimpse how life might have been.’

Ana smiled in spite of herself. ‘Do you truly believe anyone lives like this out in the desert?’ she asked, gesturing about the dimly lit but nonetheless attractive chamber.

His mouth twitched in an attempt at a grin. ‘It is unusual here, I admit, but I sense you have enjoyed your time.’

‘I would be lying to you if I said anything other than I have never felt more at peace with myself.’ She looked away, hoping the conversation might end.

But Arafanz persisted. ‘Happy?’

His gaze was fierce; his eyes had a burning intensity that seemed to make the brighter flecks in his irises glow as if they were illuminated. They demanded she answer truthfully. ‘Yes, I’m happy but—’

Arafanz leaned forward and coverered her mouth with his own. She was so shocked by his sudden movement and then absorbed by all the sensations his lips exploring hers provoked that she could not pull away. As Arafanz deepened his kiss, Ana’s thoughts swirled guiltily towards Lazar. She realised she could never confuse the two men. With Lazar there was such hunger, such longing in their intimacy. With Arafanz she felt only tenderness, and a surge of sorrow. This needed to stop—now!

One of the candles that Arafanz had lit around the room suddenly guttered. Ana broke apart from Arafanz and immediately both looked at the smoking wick, an ominous sign.

‘We mustn’t, please, Arafanz,’ Ana said, feeling instantly fearful.

‘Do you subscribe to such childish superstitions? That was only a draught.’ He smiled.

She ignored his question. ‘This is not right,’ she replied instead, embarrassed by his amusement as much as relieved that the spell had been broken. And gone with it was the dangerous moment of abandon and enjoyment.

‘Apologies, Ana. I hate myself for being so weak.’

She shook her head sadly. ‘It is not weakness. It is life, Arafanz. It is normal to have feelings for another—you cannot expect yourself, or your men, to be celibate, especially cast together like this and into a battle we neither understand nor choose. But you and I are not normal, are we? We are pawns. We are being moved around and used. Our lives matter not in the great scheme of this battle. We do her bidding for the greater good and then we die.’ She grimaced again as a fresh contraction, soft but urgent, rippled through her body. It was uncomfortable, but not her birthing time, she was certain of it.

Arafanz wore a wounded expression. ‘It doesn’t have to be like that, Ana. Perhaps—’

‘What? You take my son from me, you deliver him to Percheron and you ride back to the desert for me. Is that what you think? We can just pretend none of this happened? What of your struggle? Your men? Boaz? Did you think the Zar
will accept his wife and Absolute Favourite living in the desert with a rebel who declares war on the Percherese people?’

Once again he held her gaze with an unflinching stare, all injury gone from his face. His voice was brittle when it came. ‘But this is not about Percheron, or the Zar, duty or the battle for Lyana’s supremacy, is it, Ana? Your reluctance is not even about your son or the desert, or your conscience. This is about Spur Lazar, isn’t it?’

She had nothing to gain from lying to him. ‘I love him, Arafanz. I have since the day I met him—the first moment I spied him from the window of our hut in the foothills, standing so proud, so deeply unhappy. I don’t understand what has happened between you and me. But it cannot flourish. I would be insincere to you if I allowed this to continue.’

‘I should have killed him when I had my chance,’ he said sourly.

‘You don’t mean that. You let him live for good reason. As you said, you both fight for the same cause, even though Lazar does so unwittingly.’

‘Be very sure, Ana. If Lazar tries to stop me in my mission, I will kill him.’

‘I know you will try.’

He nodded. ‘Then please forgive my indiscretion.’

Ana reached for his arm. ‘Arafanz, wait. Please.’ He looked back at her and she could see pain in his eyes that he was trying to hide. ‘My heart is not hardened towards you. I need you to know
that. In a different life, a different situation, I would live in the desert with you and I would not regret a day of it. We were meant to meet. But we were never meant to be lovers.’

‘Are you referring again to the omen of the candle…the hidden message, perhaps Lyana speaking to us?’

His sarcasm bit but she ignored it. ‘I do not refer to the candle, but Lyana has spoken to me.’

‘The pillars?’

She shook her head. ‘No. Have you heard of The Raven? The bird of omens?’

He frowned, shrugged. ‘It means nothing to me. What is it?’

‘It is a he. This time he was Kett, a slave at the palace, and now I realise poor Kett was destined to join the harem.’

‘And what does this Kett have to do with me? Do I have to meet him?’

‘Kett is dead. He drowned alongside me.’

‘Ah, I know now to whom you refer. Why are you telling me about him?’

She looked up, fixed him with a stare. ‘Because he told me about you.’

‘What?’

‘He told me to find the rebel—yes, that’s what he said. I’m only properly remembering it now; it was meaningless to me five moons ago. Find the rebel, he urged me. And now I know that you are the rebel. We were predestined to meet, to know one another, but he said nothing about your
importance to me or that we should be together. The truth is, Arafanz, I have my journey and you have yours. They are intertwined but not in the manner of lovers. Whatever your role is, it is very separate from mine.’

He nodded. ‘Finding myself so attached to you is painful but it’s true, I cannot be deterred from my life’s mission. I despise all that Percheron has become, Ana. Fat, lazy, carnal and without a guiding faith that means something. Zarab’s way is indulgent, rather than nurturing. The Percherese have become soft. Crime and sin are rife. Have you seen the moneylenders and marketers selling their wares outside the temples? Do people pray any more? Do they hold true to a faith that guides them, inspires them, ensures they look behind them and offer help to someone who has fallen down?’

‘I have no fight with your spiritual path, Arafanz. I uphold your faith and your desire to bring Percheron back to Lyana’s Light. But I fear the bloodshed and death that you accept to achieve that. I could never go along with that reasoning, that the end justifies the means.’

He smiled, stroked her cheek fondly. ‘You speak as though you are several decades older than you are.’

‘Boaz is a good Zar. Given the chance and the right support, he could be Percheron’s greatest ruler. He has modern thinking but he is respectful of the old ways, the ancient thinking. He is a man
of Zarab because that’s how he was raised and yet his mind enquires towards Lyana.’

‘All very admirable, Ana, but—’

‘Give him a chance. He has sat the throne for barely seventeen moons. He learns fast, he is his own man. Let him grow into his role—’

‘No! Your son will be Zar. He will outlaw Zarabism from the first day of his rule. And the present royal family and all the palace hierarchy will be put to death. We will start again through this baby,’ Arafanz said passionately, pointing to her belly. ‘I will set the terms of his rule and I will choose who acts as Zar Regent until your son is of age.’

‘When you are like this, it is hard for me to feel anything for you but contempt.’

‘Then you are fortunate, Ana.’ He kissed her hand and stood. ‘I wish I could feel that way towards you. Now rest. Your son must arrive healthy or all is lost.’

Lazar led Ganya as far from the campsite as he dared.

‘You obviously want privacy,’ she said with amusement when he finally pulled her around the back of a smallish dune. It was so dark he could barely make her out and there was little moonlight this night. ‘What did you have in mind?’ she asked as he felt her arms around his neck.

‘Ganya—’

‘Ssh,’ she said, placing her lips on his.

Ganya’s arousing dance was suddenly back in his consciousness, her tongue working in treacherous tandem with his own lustful thoughts, winning an instant response from him. Helplessly he kissed her in return, his mind fleeing towards Ana as his arms felt the warmth of Ganya’s naked back, her belly pressed hard against his. He begged Lyana to forgive his using this woman in such a manner. One of her hands reached down but Lazar pulled it away before gently pushing her back. ‘Don’t,’ he said. His words came out as a plea.

‘Don’t?’ she echoed, amused. ‘And yet your mouth says otherwise.’

‘I cannot,’ he groaned.

‘Do you not want me?’

‘More than you can imagine, Ganya. But what I need is your help.’

‘Help?’

He sighed. ‘It’s so complicated, too hard to explain. I need you to trust me, as your father does.’ He could just see her brow creasing in confusion, and he hurried on, whispering, ‘As hard as this is to believe, I suspect an owl is going to arrive any moment and I don’t want you to be startled.’

‘An owl, you say?’ She laughed. ‘Well, this is a first for me.’

‘Ganya, please trust me. You are a beautiful, incredibly desirable woman and in different circumstances…’

‘You would have thrown me to the ground and enjoyed me, I know,’ she said, an edge to her tone. ‘What about this owl? And what does it have to do with me?’

‘He has nothing to do with you. He is a friend. I need to speak with him but I had to get away from the campsite. I used you. I’m sorry.’

‘You are going to talk to an owl? Are you some sort of good-looking madman?’

He shook his head. ‘This is a matter of life and death. You need to trust me.’

‘You’ve said that three times now. So, what happens when this owl arrives?’ she asked. Her words went along with his story but her sharp tone goaded him.

‘I told you. We will speak, share some knowledge. Actually, it’s more likely he’ll change into the form of a dwarf.’

‘Have you any idea how ridiculous you sound?’

Lazar sighed. ‘Frankly, yes.’

‘I put my claim upon you, Lazar. You accepted. In the way of the desert that agreement is binding. Don’t humiliate me or lose the high esteem that my people hold for you.’

‘Help me and I will honour our agreement. But time is short.’

‘What do you want from me?’

‘Just don’t make a fuss when he arrives. Keep a lookout for anyone who may steal up on us. The Grand Vizier is my enemy. He especially must not know about the owl.’

‘And who is this all-important bird, Spur, that would cause you to cast aside a chance to make love with me beneath the stars?’

Lazar took a breath. ‘His name is Iridor.’

He heard her gasp as she yanked herself from his grip. ‘You dare to take Iridor’s name in vain! It is wrong of you to make a jest like this.’

‘Ganya, wait, please. I warned you.’ He heard the beat of wings. ‘Watch.’

Soon enough, the owl appeared as if on cue.

‘Don’t scream, I beg you,’ Lazar beseeched.

But Ganya made no loud sound at all, just a soft moan of disbelief, tinged with awe. ‘How can this be?’

‘It is him,’ Lazar assured, hoping with every ounce of faith that Lyana had guided him to this point. That she would not betray his instinct to be honest with this woman.

‘How can I be sure?’

‘The desert isn’t normally home to snow-white owls, is it?’

Ganya was silent.

‘You follow the Goddess, don’t you?’

‘With every beat of my heart,’ she whispered.

‘Then by the owl’s presence you will know what is occurring here.’

‘She is rising,’ Ganya answered. Her voice had lost none of its wonder.

He didn’t really know what to say; he hardly believed it himself. ‘I told you the Grand Vizier is our enemy. I need to talk with Iridor but the Vizier
can sense the owl’s magic. It is dangerous. I need to think.’

Iridor had listened as Lazar spoke with the woman. He’d been listening from slightly further away earlier and had taken his cue to arrive at the moment he did for maximum impact. Lazar had obviously put his trust in this woman, even though they were strangers. And now Iridor waited, frightened to talk to Lazar for fear of discovery but helpless to know what else they could do. He needed to give Lazar instructions. He sat still, sensing the woman’s gaze fixed upon him.