God Hates You, Hate Him Back: Making Sense of The Bible (6 page)

As the authoring committee were piecing together the story for the genesis of civilization they quickly realized they would have to deal with the question of explaining how it was that different cultures spoke different languages. You had the Egyptians speaking Egyptian, and the Greeks speaking Greek, for example, all the while God was speaking only in fluent Hebrew. So, they pondered an explanation for this whilst sitting around the campfire in the middle of the Canaan Desert. The Bible reconciles this in a manner that is arguably the most ridiculous of all.

The Bible has it written that the entire world, post-flood, spoke a single language. The world’s inhabitants gathered together on a flood plain in the land of Shinar, presumably somewhere in what we know to be Israel today. All citizens of the world united to build a new city, with what would be an iconic tower, being so magnificent that its pinnacle would seem to touch the heavens. Working together in solidarity and with a common purpose, the ‘world’ built this impressive tower made of brick and mortar, and indeed, according to Bible lore, it reached into Heaven.

Was God happy with this engineering feat of human endeavour? Was he happy that man had united after the virtual elimination of his species as a result of God’s flood? The answer is no, he wasn’t. In fact, God was furious that man would do such a thing without it being, specifically, a monument in his honor. God travelled down to Babel, and this is what he said:

The inference being, that the Tower of Babel was not built for the worship and praise, but was dedicated to the glory of man, with the motive of making a ‘name’ for the builders. God, seeing what the people were trying to achieve by working together, was not only pissed but also evidently concerned that if man could create such an impressive structure without his input, then man could achieve any number of things via human solidarity. I wonder what man could pull together by collaboration? Science or medicine, maybe? Rational thinking? Anyway, in his fear and fury he confounded their languages and scattered the people of Babel throughout all “four corners of the earth.” Hello, flat earth!

This being the Genesis explanation of the diversity of languages we know today. What nincompoop really believes this to be true? I can’t go on, but I must!

Wouldn’t you think it a little insightful if God kept all of mankind to a single language so that the Bible could’ve been written in a single language rather than have to be translated from Hebrew to Aramaic to Greek to English? I guess the principle of ‘lost in translation’ never occurred to the ‘Great One’.

The name Abraham translates in Hebrew to ‘father of nations’, and as is revealed in the writings of Genesis, he is a critical figure as the founding patriarch of the Israelites. According to the Bible, Abraham was brought from Mesopotamia, or Iraq-Iran as it is known today, to the land of Canaan. God had said to Abraham, in a dream, to leave his country, his people and his household to go to the land that God would reveal to him, in return he would be blessed with all of mankind.

Abraham was led into Egypt due to a severe famine, but upon entering Egypt he was concerned that the Egyptian Pharaoh would kill him and take his wife, who was said to have been stunningly beautiful. Thus he deceived the Pharaoh into believing that his wife, Sarah, was his sister. The scheme backfires somewhat as the Pharaoh takes Sarah and includes her in his harem and bonks her, anyway, along with tens of other willing sex slaves, at any time of his choosing. But before you think to yourself, “Hey, it’s good to be the Pharaoh”, Sarah was seventy-five years of age at this point. I mean c’mon, how hot could she really have been?

What’s further interesting about this story is that Abraham lied and deceived a Pharaoh with God’s endorsement. What kind of moral teaching is this? I think all believers should find it somewhat unsettling that the human father of the Judaeo-Christian faith was a blatant liar. The Church of Latter Day Saints, the Mormon faith, was likewise founded by a convicted fraudster in Joseph Smith, but at least the Mormons got magic underwear for following him.

Somehow, the Pharaoh learns that Sarah is Abraham’s wife and he reunites the couple before banishing them from Egypt. Upon returning to Canaan, Abraham enters into a covenant with God. This covenant was based on a deal that in exchange for recognizing God as supreme universal deity and authority; he would be blessed with innumerable progeny. The Lord appearing to Abraham in a vision, told him,

Abraham complains to God that his wife can bear no children and expresses his concern that should he die his inheritance will be left to one of his slaves. Yes, the Patriarch of Israel, the chosen one of God is seemingly oblivious to the moral bankruptcy of slavery, but more on this later.

In return that Abraham offer unquestionable servitude of the Lord, the Lord says to Abraham:

Before Abraham could enjoy the fruits of this new baby-making pact with God, however, he is awoken later that same night with another vision from God, but this time with an eerie warning:

A little later in the story, we discover that God is a shifty old shyster and reneges on his earlier covenant with Abraham, by moving the goal posts. God had told Abraham that he and his descendants would be given land and made into a great nation with kings out of Abraham’s line. However, God informs his prophet that he must now seal this new deal by mutilating his genitals, at the age of 99 years mind you, along with the genitals of every other male in his household including the male slaves. Can you imagine being poor old Abraham’s water carrier, as he approaches you with a rusty old blunt knife and bellows to you, “Hey boy, come here whilst I hack the tip of your dick off with this here knife”. Who would’ve stayed around long enough for that to happen? And what sort of sick, fucking perverted, twisted god would demand such a barbaric act of senseless, immeasurable cruelty? And if God detested the foreskin so much, why create man with it in the first place?

God says to Abraham:

Thus, if you are male and reading this book, chances are you too have no foreskin, which according to some scientific claims contains 75% of the erogenous nerves of the penis. You can point to this passage in the Bible to explain the reason why your uncircumcised friends are experiencing 300% more pleasure during sex. I have to say, however, that I personally bear no grudge against God for this covenant, being circumcised myself, because if I were to enjoy sex any more than I currently do then I would never get anything accomplished. It would be a case of ‘goodbye, outside world!’

As far as this being a brutish ritual, circumcision, there is no refute to this claim. To raise a newborn infant into your hands, the look of innocence and trust on his face, before mutilating its genitals because of some ancient mythology is beyond the pale in this century. For this reason we opted against having our son circumcised when he was born, because it made no sense to inflict needless pain on him so as to perpetuate this ancient idiotic rite. Whilst I don’t remember the day of my circumcision, I am sure it must have been painful because I didn’t walk or talk for an entire year after. (An old Jewish joke.)

Let’s just start by saying that the citizens of Sodom and Gomorrah were having a ‘gay’ ole time. A suitable metaphor would describe the original twin cities as the ancient version of Las Vegas, but instead of $20 lap dancers, these guys had to settle for an ass reaming in back of Jeremiah’s barn! Like Vegas, I’m sure the road through the desert leading into the cities lead to a welcome sign on the outskirts of town which read, ‘Where the sinners are winners, and what happens in Sodom stays in Sodom’.

What is interesting in the passages leading up to God’s destruction of these ‘bum-fun’ towns is, firstly, that Abraham tried to talk God down from wiping Sodom & Gomorrah off the face of the planet. He argues that the Lord should reserve his homicidal wrath as it’s likely that not all Sodomites are bum-bandits or evil doers. The second thing that stands out in these passages is that the Bible asserts that it is morally preferable to offer your virgin daughter to be gang raped by a crowd of salivating perverts than to surrender two male strangers you barely know, to be molested by the same perpetrators. This is no joke by the way. I wish there was a joke in the tragedy of gang rape, but there plainly isn’t. Rather than spew forth my inner anger and contempt for this immoral imbalance, I will quote the passage:

I dare any follower of Judaism, Islam or Christianity to defend this moral position, which is accepted as an act of decency or nobility in the book of God. This is abhorrent by any stretch and I hope demonstrates that religion is made by self-serving, morally corruptible men and not the work of a morally superior power.

We can pause for a moment’s sigh of relief, however, as there is absolutely zilch evidence, archeologically or otherwise, that the twin-cities were anything but a piece of literary fabrication and therefore a story for our own amusement. Thus, there never existed any town of Sodom or Gomorrah in the sands of the Middle East or elsewhere. And more thankfully, these innocent daughters were not gang raped by a pack of lecherous bastards.

However, we only have to move a few paragraphs from this point of the Bible before we stumble across further bizarre sexual standards or norms that do not solicit any moral judgment or condemnation. In Genesis 19 it describes Lot living alone with his two daughters in a cave outside of a town called Zoar.

On the following night, they got their father drunk again and this time the younger daughter slept with Lot and within a matter of weeks both daughters became pregnant and bore sons to him. (Play banjo music) There is no sub-text that follows this story. No footnote to say God was displeased with Lot or his daughters. Hell, God was smiting people all over the place for far less than this. Heck, he turned Lot’s wife into salt for merely sneaking a peak at the destruction of Sodom, after God told her not to look back. Tough love!

I guess, God, the jealous and petty god, was too consumed with his own jealousy and insecurities to be concerned over matters of gang rape and incestuous sexual relations. Too busy testing Abraham’s faith with his command that Abraham should sacrifice his own son, Isaac, on a nearby mountain. This guy, God, has a wicked sense of humor, huh? Abraham, always obliging though, does as God wishes and just before he slashes the throat of his only son an angel appears telling Abraham words to the effect, “Hey, it was just a joke. You just got punked, muthafucka!” (It’s funnier with a Samuel L. Jackson voice)

What kind of god would ask you, as proof of your love for him, to look into the innocent and trusting eyes of your child before slashing his or her jugular vein, watching your very own bleed slowly to death before your very eyes? This can only be the test of a deeply wicked and insecure sadist.

At the age of one hundred and eighty years, Abraham passed away, but on his deathbed he anointed his eldest son Isaac to lead the family. Isaac inherited all that was Abraham’s and in his new role as patriarch, he wasted no time in impregnating one of his favorite wives, Rebekah. Mind you it took God’s IVF program to deliver the sperm to her ovaries, as Rebekah had been ‘barren’ for many years in unsuccessfully trying for children. Rebekah and Isaac slaughtered an animal as a token of thanks for allowing them to finally become parents. They didn’t give cholcoate and flowers in those days. The glowing mum-to-be realized mid-way through her pregnancy that she was bearing twins. Whilst a ‘two-for-the-price-of-one’ deal was reason to further praise God, Rebekah became confused and concerned because the two fetuses were punching the shit out of one another inside her womb, in what is positively the first in utero boxing showdown in history. Too bad Sodom and Gomorrah had already been destroyed, because the bookmakers from that city could’ve thrown down some handy odds. Rebekah became increasingly worrisome that the child battle inside her continued with unrelenting punches, kicks and some UFC ‘ground n pound’. She cried out to God for an explanation to this pre-natal sibling bickering and God answered: