God Hates You, Hate Him Back: Making Sense of The Bible (45 page)

When the court heard this blasphemous blast, they wasted no time in ordering his execution. There was no death row waiting time in those days and he was dragged by the scruff of his collar to be stoned to death in the dirt outside.

On the day of Stephen’s execution, a great tidal wave of public animosity was raised up against the Apostles, and the Church in Jerusalem was annihilated. The Apostles and their followers were forced to flee to scattered villages throughout the Judean countryside. We are introduced to a character called Saul of Tauras, who is described as the ‘Jewiest’ of Jews and a man determined to destroy all remnants of this fledgling anti-establishment religion. Saul went from house to house, hunting out all followers of the deceased Jesus, throwing them into prison for heresy.

Whilst it was certainly a case of two steps forward, three steps back, the Apostles continued to preach in the small towns and with a little more discreet vigor.

For an unspecified, but assumedly significant period of time, Saul continued to hound down anyone that had ties to the blasphemous Apostles, or those that made public declarations of attachment to the Christian belief. This all changed one day, however, when Saul was on a donkey journey from Jerusalem to Damascus, and the ghost of Jesus appeared before him:

The men travelling with Saul did not see anyone but heard the voice from the sky. Saul picked himself up off the dirt and, as he regained his footing, he realized that he was now blinded and could not see one foot in front of him. Thus his servants led him by hand into the city of Damascus. Now safely in a friend’s house within the city, Saul sat there in shock and did not sleep or eat for three days, with his sight still lost. Like he had seen a ghost. But isn’t that a contradiction in terms? How does one see something invisible? God, I love the Bible.

Meanwhile, a disciple by the name of Ananias was called by God in a vision, with specific instructions, “Go to the house of Judas on Straight Street and ask for a man named Saul from Tarsus, for he is praying. Once there lay your hands on him and his sight will be restored.” Ananias tried to argue with God, that he did not want to lay hands on a man who had persecuted Christian Jews as viciously and joyfully as Paul had done in Jerusalem. I am not sure why these disciples continue to argue directly with God? I love a debate as much as the next man, but if a voice from the clouds spoke to me I would be, “Yes sir, on my way sir, you won’t hear a peep of a problem out of me sir, just keep those lightning bolts away from my ass is all I ask Sir!” As usual, God wins the argument with this stubborn fool by reassuring him with the words:

Ananias carried out God’s orders as instructed, laying his hands on Saul. As he did this, fish-scales covering Saul’s eyes fell to the ground and he could see again.

Obviously grateful for his new set of eyes, Saul began to preach the word that Jesus was the son of God in synagogues throughout Jerusalem and Damascus. The chief priests were mortified upon learning of his conversion and immediately set out a plan to capture and kill him. Saul stumbled onto their plot and fled, in the process changing his name to Paul. (St. Paul) And thus begins his journey as the most important man in the marketing of brand Jesus.

Back to Peter for a moment. After visiting the house of a sympathetic Roman centurion’s house, Peter had become so hungry that he would have eaten from a street side cart in a dusty Mumbai alleyway, his hunger pangs allowing him to fall into some kind of trance. During his hallucinogenic state he saw heaven open up, with a large white sheet falling from the sky to earth that contained a menu listing of all animals forbidden as food under Jewish law. God’s voice boomed from the clouds telling him to hunt everything on this list, and that he could now eat anything and everything, despite what he had told Moses all those years ago. I mean c’mon, if you were Peter caught with a pork chop in your mouth, you’d too tell those approaching that God said it was ok too. In feigned protest, Peter replies:

God assured Peter that everything he had created was officially now ‘clean’, and that he could go forth and hunt and eat pigs for example. We are now at loggerheads with what God had earlier commanded in the painfully long diatribe of Leviticus that included and precluded just about every species of animal, reptile, bird or fish, when he said to Moses:

Whilst feasting on these once God-forbidden foods, Peter travelled throughout the lands of the Gentiles (non-Jewish Christian believers) teaching the word of Jesus to any who would listen. But upon returning to Jerusalem his fellow Jewish disciples became annoyed that Peter had eaten with uncircumcised men during his travels. Peter answered his colleagues with the same words given to him by God:

This set Peter and his disciples off on a journey to farer lands of the Gentiles, such as Greece, Italy and Turkey, to spread the word of God. A decision that would pave the way for a dramatic upswing in recruitment effort now that they were no longer confined to just converting circumcised Jews.

The first official Christian church was established in the Greek town of Antioch, where Peter taught. And it is from this point in history, according to the Bible, that the disciples were first called Christians.

King Herod continued to persecute Christians in Jerusalem and he had James, the brother of John, put to death. His execution pleased the Jews and Herod wasted no time in summoning for Peter. Shackled by leg irons and imprisoned in a cell for hardened criminals, Peter awaited his court trial. On the eve of his hearing, an angel of the Lord appeared shining a light into his cell. Peter was asleep and had to be tapped on the shoulder by the angel to be awoken, which I find comical. Nevertheless, the angel told Peter to get up and as soon as he did the chains miraculously fell off him to the floor. Being a bossy little upstart of an angel, the ghost with wings commanded Peter to throw on his sandals and cloak and to follow him out of prison. Once outside the perimeter walls Peter ran to the house of Mary, the mother of John.

Herod was furious with his guards that Peter had escaped and promptly ordered their execution. Shortly thereafter, Herod passed away for failing to thank God in a speech he delivered in Caesarea. For his lack of holy gratitude he was struck down by the invisible hand of the Lord, and his immediately consumed by worms.

Meanwhile, in the background, Paul travelled throughout the Mediterranean preaching the words of Jesus, in places such as Cyprus, Macedonia and Syria.

The teachers and church leaders of Antioch (Greece) were becoming extremely agitated that travelling preachers from Jerusalem were telling Gentile believers that unless a man is circumcised he cannot be saved. This God to Moses command was causing restlessness and concern amongst the uncircumcised Greeks, Syrians and Macedonians. So, Paul took off for Jerusalem to speak with the Council, to urge them to drop this law of God so they could continue to make conversion of the Gentiles to Christianity with the tip of their penises intact. Paul making the case:

The Council voted and made the decision on behalf of God that circumcision was no longer a prerequisite to entering the kingdom of heaven, a decision overturning God’s covenant with Abraham and without God’s counsel. Does not this prove that the entire fundamental belief of the New Testament is absolutely man-constructed? The Christians, with so much of their faith based on the Old Testament, are now overturning God-commanded laws by committee.

A letter was, then, drafted by the apostles and elders, addressed to the Gentiles in Greece, Syria and Cilicia that read:

The Gentiles, with their uncircumcised penises were obviously delighted to learn of this new decree, so up ya bum Abraham and God, no need to destroy the male member anymore. Paul, the world’s first great marketing CEO, had repackaged and rebranded Christianity and now this fledgling religion was on its way.

Whilst travelling through Macedonia, Paul and Silas were met by a young girl, a child of slaves. She earned a reasonable amount of cash practicing as a fortuneteller, and her ability to foretell the future was well revered in the area. As Paul and Silas walked through the town that she happened to be reading palms in, she cried out, “These men are servants of the most high God, they are going to tell you the way to be saved.” She kept this up for a number of days, before Paul eventually tired of her incessant ranting. Turning towards the girl, he placed his hand on her head and shouted:

At that moment, the ‘spirit’ that enabled her to predict the future left her. When her parents learned of this they were furious that this revenue stream had been cut off by Paul’s ‘spiritual healing’ and quickly rounded up a mob to lynch Paul and Silas. Bringing them before the proper authorities, her parents accused:

Paul and Silas were then duly flogged and thrown into prison, with a guard appointed to ensure their captivity. At a minute past midnight, the two prophet prisoners began singing hymns in praise of God. As other prisoners listened to these soulful ballads, a great earthquake struck the city and the foundations of the prison were shaken and moved. At this moment, the doors to the prison flew open and every prisoner’s foot and handcuffs became loose. As other prisoners ran for their freedom, Paul and Silas sat unmoved in their cell to the disbelief and surprise of their guard who was visibly nervous after witnessing the preceding events. Paul told the guard that he need not worry, as the pair had no intentions of plotting an escape. The guard fell to his knees and begged to be baptized with the spirit of God for what he had seen. At the break of dawn, the head magistrate came to the jail and ordered that Paul and Silas be set free so that no further trouble would beset their city.

Spreading the word of Jesus from Thessalonia to Berea; from Athens to Corinth, Paul continued to perform a countless array of miracles for converting Greeks. Paul was well received everywhere he travelled within the country because Greeks loved to discuss and debate philosophy and theology and were therefore always open to new perspectives. The only trouble he encountered was in Corinth, when some Jews abused him for talking rubbish. As he lay in bed one night in fear of a Jewish reprisal against him, God appeared to Paul in a vision: