Go Ask Alice (17 page)

Tomorrow we’re going to the Museum of Modern Art and a couple of other places. I don’t think we’ll stay late on Sunday because Mother is as uncomfortable as we are.

September 2

We are not going through Chicago after all. They are making staff changes at the university and Dad has got to get back. He offered to go out of his way and make a quick stop in Chicago because he didn’t want to let me down, but I can’t be that immature — besides, I’ll see Joel in just a few weeks, and we’re not engaged or anything. I wish we were!

September 4

Driving all day and almost all night is really a drag. Dad looks absolutely bug-eyed, and Alex is squirming all over the place. I really wish I could help with the driving, but Dad says absolutely no driving without a license, which I’m going to get as soon as I can.

One more billboard and I’m going to lose my mind!

September 6

Home at last. Poor Dad has to go over to the university and I know he is absolutely beat. If I’m as tired as I am at my age I don’t know how he even manages to get one foot in front of the other. Mother is dashing around the house chipper as a little bird, but I guess that is because she’s HOME, HOME, HOME. Oh what a beautiful, wonderful, divinely lovely word.

I’m even beginning to feel pretty good myself. Just a few hours ago none of us thought we could possibly live for even a few more minutes, now we’re all getting our second wind. Alex has dashed off to Tricia’s to pick up Honey and her kittens and Happiness, and Tim is puttering around in his “stink room” as Alex calls it, and I’m doing what I love most, just enjoying myself in my own lovely room
with my books and all my personal possessions. I just can’t decide what to do first, go play my lovely piano or stay here and curl up with a lovely book or take a lovely nap.

I think the nap is going to win.

September 7

I met Fawn _____ at the store today and she invited me to come over tonight and go swimming in their pool. Isn’t that lovely? Maybe I can get back in with the straight kids this year and then the dopey dopers wouldn’t dare bother me. Wouldn’t that be perfect? Anyway, Fawn and her sisters all do water ballet and I’m not a very good swimmer but she promised to teach me. I hope I don’t drown or fall on my head in the shallow end of the pool.

September 10

I don’t know why I have to be so insecure and frightened. I haven’t even known Fawn very long and yet I’m almost jealous of all her other friends. I think they’re prettier and smarter and that no one really wants me around which is pretty stupid since they keep inviting me over there all the time. I guess I’m just a jerk. I just hope none of them has heard all the rotten stories that went around about me. I really don’t know who Jan and Marcie and all those dopey dopers spoke to, but I hope it wasn’t the whole school. Oh, I hope I’m not going to be hurt again. I wonder if all girls are as timid as I am? If I think a boy might ask me out I’m scared to death he won’t and if he actually does then I’m afraid to go.

Like last night we were all swimming and a carload of boys drove up and Fawn’s father, who’s really nice, asked
them to come in and have some punch. So we all clowned around for a while and then turned the hose on the patio and danced on the wet cement. It was fun and I guess I looked pretty cute because Frank _____ asked me out. Actually he wanted to take me home, but I wanted to stay and help Fawn clean up. But I guess the truth is I just don’t feel myself around boys anymore. Mother says it’s just because I feel frightened and unsure again and I hope she’s right. I do hope she’s right!

September 11

Fawn called up the first thing this morning. She wants to have a party next Friday and invite boys. I’m going over this afternoon to help her plan it but I really would rather not get involved. Wally asked her out last night too, and she’s going to the movies with him tonight. I sort of wish she wouldn’t. I don’t know why I worry about her, she’s a few months older than I am, but I just think boys are the root of most problems. At least, they’ve been at the root of most of mine, which is probably a big lie. Anyway, this morning I was reading an article on identity and responsibility, and it said that kids who aren’t allowed to make any decisions for themselves never grow up, and kids who have to make all the decisions before they’re ready never grow either. I don’t think I fall into either category but it’s an interesting idea.

See ya.

September 16

Guess what? Mrs. _____, my old piano teacher, called and she wants me to be soloist at her outstanding
student recital. She even wants to get the small auditorium at the University and do all the publicity and everything with
my
picture on the program cover. Of course, she knows about my hands so it wouldn’t be until later on in the fall, but isn’t that exciting! I didn’t know I was that good! I really and truly and honestly didn’t!

She wants to meet with my parents some night soon and discuss the whole idea, but frankly I’m still flying. I can’t believe it’s true. I mean I practice every day and sometimes I sit down and play just for fun if there isn’t anything else to do, but that’s mostly because I don’t like the tube, especially the stuff Tim and Alex want to watch, and I can’t read forever. I really didn’t realize I was that good. I wonder if the kids will think it’s a stupid thing to do. I certainly don’t want to screw things up with them, particularly now when we’re starting to develop such a great relationship. I think I’ll just wait and talk the whole thing over with Fawn, but I’ll wait until after her party. I know that’s the first thing on her mind right now.

P.S.
I got the loveliest of all letters from Joel and he can’t wait to see me. I didn’t tell him that that’s the way I feel too but I’m sure he knows.

September 17

Wouldn’t you know, I got my period! Now I’ll be self-conscious about that too! I wonder if Mother would be upset if I bought Tampax instead of just plain Kotex? She probably would be, so I guess I’d better not take the chance — but it really does mess things up for tomorrow night. Oh, I guess it really doesn’t matter. I can always wear my new plaid pants and my new top, but it really is a drag.
Oh, well, there’s nothing I can do about it, so I might as well be cheerful. Right?

Nite.

September 18

I looked at the sky this morning and realized that summer is almost gone which really made me sad because it doesn’t seem as though it’s been here at all. Oh, I don’t want it to be over. I don’t want to get old. I have this very silly fear, dear friend, that one day I’ll be old, without ever having really been young. I wonder if it could happen that quickly or if I’ve ruined my life already. Do you think life can get by you without your even seeing it? Cripes, it gives me chills just thinking about it.

(?)

Boy, am I a dummy! Tomorrow is Dad’s birthday and I had completely forgotten it. Tim and Mom planned an outing, just for the family, but I was so wrapped up with Fawn and the rest of the kids that they didn’t want to bother me with the details, which shows you who the creep is around this house. Oh well, there’s no point in kicking myself about it. I’ll just have to think up something super special for Dad and surprise everyone.

See ya.

September 19

Mom was right. My premonitions about Fawn’s party were completely ridiculous. It was great, great, great. Fawn’s parents are really nice and all the kids there are
the really great ones. Jess _____ is going to be next year’s student council president and Tess is the girl’s president and Judy and just everyone. I remember a year ago thinking they were a bunch of dull squares but now I just hope they’ll give me another chance and not bounce me on my head.

I suspect if I were really mature I would accept the fact that sooner or later someone is going to start talking about my being picked up even though it was simply ages ago, and then every nice kid’s parents will tell them that they shouldn’t spend any time with me because I will ruin their reputation. And every nice kid will wonder what I’m really like inside, and if they hear that I was in a mental hospital, I can just imagine what will go around in their heads and out their mouths! You’d think with over 900 kids in this school I could swing from one side to the other, and I can if they’ll let me! Oh, I can! Please, please let me!

Maybe I should really be honest about it and tell Fawn and her parents. Do you think they would understand, or would it just embarrass us all? I know sooner or later I’ve just got to tell Fawn about the hospital. She’s already asked me about my hands and I just don’t feel decent about lying to her anymore. I wish I knew what to do. If I had someone who knew how to handle these things I wouldn’t have to sit here in my bed and worry you and myself. They could just say right out, “You should do this or that.” I’m sure Mother and Dad are even more uncertain about these things than I am. They tried to keep it as quiet as possible, and I’m not sure any of their close friends even know what happened. Why is life so difficult? Why can’t we just be ourselves and have everyone accept us the way we are? Why can’t I just be
me
as I am now and not have to concentrate and fume and get upset about my past and my future. I hate never knowing whether tomorrow
I’m going to have Jan and Lane and Marcie and all the rest on my back, sometimes I wish I had never been born.

I wonder what nice Frank would think if he knew about the real inside me? He’d probably run like a scared rabbit or immediately think he could get anything he wanted, and he’d want only one thing!

I do wish I could sleep. Isn’t it weird how sometimes time goes so fast you can’t even keep up with it, like it’s been going the last two or three weeks. Hours and minutes and days and weeks and months merge into one another in a flashing blur. Dad’s birthday is today and tomorrow is mine. A hundred years ago, I’d probably have been married by now and out on a farm somewhere begetting children. I guess I’m lucky things don’t happen quite that quickly these days. But in any case, I’ve got to start behaving and thinking more like an adult.

Later

Oh, this afternoon I ran out and got Dad a sleeveless sweater. I’m sure he’ll like it because he saw something very similar in Mr. Taylor’s window and said that it would be just perfect for the office when he doesn’t want to wear a coat. Now I just have to finish the poem and at least I’ll have done something right. I wonder if life is as explosive and confusing to other people. I hope not, because I really wouldn’t wish this mess on anyone else.

I wonder if they’ll include my birthday party with Dad’s tonight or if they’ll have a separate one later? Two birthday cakes in one week might make everyone sick.

Gee, another birthday! I’ll be almost an old woman, at least more than half way through my teens. It seems only yesterday I was a child.

September 20

I barely had my eyes open when Frank called to ask me out for tonight but I told him I would be busy with my family the whole weekend. He seemed disappointed, but I think he believed me. Anyway I can smell a whole vat of bacon cooking downstairs and I’m so hungry I could eat my quilt.

See ya.

P.S.
Dad’s birthday was super! Everyone was so close and warm and we had such a wonderful time but I’ll tell you more about it later.

P.P.S.
He loved the sweater and my poem. I think he liked the poem especially because I wrote it for him personally. He even blew his nose when he read it.

Later

Everybody’s downstairs plotting and the whole house is filled with mouth-watering fragrances fit for kings and exotic princesses. I wonder what they’re doing. Mother and Tim and Alex wouldn’t even let me come in the living room. They told me to go right upstairs and take a bath and set my hair and not to come down until I was the most beautiful creature in the world. I don’t know how they expect me to manage that but it will be fun trying.

Later

You will never, ever guess what happened! Joel was here! I knew he was registering late because of his job but . . . Well, I still can’t believe it. The meanie. He’s been here four whole days and he was actually down in the living room when I came home this afternoon wearing my old cut offs and Daddy’s oldest sweat shirt covered with white
paint. He said when I dragged up the path, he was almost ready to turn around and go back to Chicago; thank heavens I changed into my white dress and new sandals. He couldn’t believe I was the same person. Tim and Dad laughed and said they’d had to tie him to a chair to make him stay after he saw me the first time.

It was a fun, fun night, and I’m sure they were kidding, I hope! Anyway, when Joel saw me he kissed me right on the lips in front of my whole family and hugged me till I thought my insides and backbone were crunching like potato chips. It was lovely even though it was a little embarrassing.

They had been planning this all summer and I thought my birthday was just going to be sort of leftovers from Daddy’s. Instead of that it was the nicest one I’ve ever had. Joel gave me a white enameled friendship ring with little flowers all over it and I shall wear it until I die. I have it on right now and it’s truly lovely. Mother and Dad gave me the new leather jacket I’ve been wanting and Tim gave me a scarf and Alex made me some peanut brittle, which Daddy and Joel and Tim ate to get even with me for eating most of Dad’s on his birthday. Funny little Alex, she can make better peanut brittle than either Mom or me, and she knows it and won’t tell us what her secret is, maybe it’s just because she’s so sweet and part of her rubs off on the peanuts.

I only got to see Joel alone for about ten minutes when we sat on the porch steps before Dad drove him back to wherever he’s staying. I even forgot to ask we had so much to talk about but I’m sure he likes me in a quiet, soft, gentle, permanent, lasting way. We held hands most of the evening, but that didn’t mean too much because Alex was hanging on to the other one and Tim kept trying to drag him off to show him all the things he’d collected over the summer.