Give Me a Reason (32 page)

“You’re an optimist, aren’t you?”

“No, I’m a psychologist whose best friend is in love with a
remarkable, brave and beautiful woman, who just needs to be reminded of those
facts every once in a while. Now, how about we make a pot of coffee? I have a
few more things I’d like to talk about.”

***

Eyeing the woman sitting on the opposite end of the sofa,
Abby took a sip of coffee. “I’d like to discuss the women guards now. That is,
if you feel up to it.”

“I’m fine. What do you want to know?”

“Did they beat you like the male officers did?”

“They’d give me an occasional kick or punch, but it was never
as bad as when the men did it. The women were slyer than that. They’d have
others do their dirty work.”

“Others? You mean the men?”

“No, I mean the cons.”

“What?”

“Just like in school, prisons have their share of cliques.
You have the smart cons versus the stupid ones and the strong ones versus the
weak, and the women screws knew that. They didn’t need to get their hands
dirty. All they had to do was sit back and watch the show,” Toni said, shaking
her head. “How anyone can get off by allowing someone else to get hurt is
beyond me.”

“What did they do?”

“They knew who didn’t get along, so they’d arrange that we’d
all end up in the shower together. It’s not easy to protect yourself when
there’s no place to run, standing there naked in front of four or five other
women, most of whom hated your guts. It was hard to wash off the smells of that
place, whilst trying to watch your back.”

“Were you able to?”

“Rarely,” Toni said, lighting another cigarette. “But the
stench was so foul I needed to get it off my skin if only for a day. Getting
beaten seemed a small price to pay for that.”

Abby walked over and cracked open a window to allow the smoke
to clear. If the need arose, Toni had always gone outside for a quick smoke, so
her actions were both surprising and worrisome. Taking a moment, Abby looked
over at Toni, trying to decide on whether to continue. She was staring off into
space, slouched on the sofa with her head bowed, and she seemed oblivious that
Abby was even in the room. Returning to the sofa, Abby asked, “Would you like
to stop for the day? We can continue this next time.”

Looking up, Toni said, “No. I’m all right. I’d rather get it
out now, if it’s all the same to you.”

“Okay,” Abby said, glancing at her notes. “Did they do
anything else? The women guards, I mean.”

“They’d lie or try to humiliate me, and sometimes they’d just
come into my cell and trash it, saying they were looking for drugs or weapons.
They’d end up destroying the place, smashing my weekly pack of fags and making
sure whatever clothes they did toss about ended up in the toilet. The bloody
thing never flushed right, so after I scraped enough tobacco off the floor so I
could have at least a few smokes, I’d spend the night trying to wash my clothes
in a sink of rusty water.”

“You said they lied to you? About what?”

“Anything...everything...it didn’t matter. They’d say I had a
phone call when I didn’t, or that new evidence was found in my case, when there
wasn’t any. They’d tell me I had a letter or that a package had come in with my
name on it, but it was all lies. I know it sounds like stupid shit, but shit
like that matters when you’re in a place like Thornbridge. Shit like that
matters when every fucking day is a carbon copy of the one before.”

“I expect it would,” Abby said as she scribbled another note
on her pad. Raising her eyes, she asked, “Was that what you meant about
humiliation? The fact they had you believing things that weren’t true.”

“No,” Toni said, closing her eyes. Taking a deep drag of her
cigarette, the smoke slowly exited her nose as she opened her eyes. “They’d
do...they’d do strip searches at all hours of the day and night. The rules say
that the men can’t be present when that happens, but they were. They’d leer at
you as you stripped, all the while making vulgar comments about your tits or
your arse, and even though they weren’t supposed to touch...the rules said they
couldn’t touch, if you didn’t bend over the table so they could have a...could
have a closer look, the women screws would force you down, and then
they’d...then they’d touch. Eventually, like everything else in that place, I
grew numb to it. My humiliation turned into apathy. I didn’t care that the men
were there. I didn’t care about their words, or about what the women screws
were doing to me, so when their strip searches no longer got a rise out of me,
they started shaving my head.”

“They shaved your head?”

“Quite a few times, actually. I got used to that, too...took
less time in the shower,” Toni said as her voice trailed into a whisper.

Like folders in a drawer, Toni’s memories of Thornbridge had
been categorized, but she hadn’t used the alphabet. She had used the pain.
Overshadowed by boots and belts, the strip searches and beatings in the shower
had been lost in the back of her mind...until now. Toni’s head filled with the
sound of cackling women and men shouting obscenities, and the hum of electric
clippers as her hair floated to the floor. She could taste soap in her mouth,
shoved there to quiet her screams, and the sting of lye cleanser as it leached
into cuts and scrapes...and her stomach started to churn.

Noticing that the temperature in the room had started to
drop, Abby went to the window to close the sash. Turning around, she was about
to ask another question when she saw that Toni had gone ghostly white.

***

Walking into the house, Laura was surprised to see Abby
heading to the kitchen with a mop and bucket in her hand. Tossing her coat on a
chair, she said, “What, you cleaning houses now?”

“Not exactly,” Abby answered quietly.

Following her into the kitchen, Laura cocked her head to the
side. “Abby, what’s going on? What are you doing with that stuff?”

“I was just...um...I was cleaning up the bathroom. Toni got
sick.”

“What?” Laura shouted. “Is she okay? What the hell happened?”

“She got a bit upset during our session, but she’s fine now.”

“Upset?
Upset
! Jesus Christ,
Abby, the woman just got over the flu! Couldn’t you have cut her some slack? I
had her cancel Monday’s appointment because of it, and I thought you’d have
enough common sense to take it easy on her today.”

“Laura—”

“Oh, I can’t
believe
you!”
Laura said, clenching her fists. “When did you become this heartless?”

“Christ, you have a temper!”

Laura spun around to see Toni leaning in the doorway with her
arms crossed, and even though her face was pale, there was a glint of humor in
her eyes.

“You should be lying down,” Laura said, taking a step closer.

“Well, I would be except you were out here bellowing. Now I
know what they mean about waking the dead.”

“Toni—”

“Laura, I’m fine,” Toni said, quickly glancing at Abby to
offer her a weak smile. “I was a bit messy earlier, but Abby took care of me.”

“But it’s because of her—”

“No, that’s where you’re wrong. It’s because of me. It’s
because I know I need to talk about this shit and it’s not always easy. Christ,
it’s never easy, but it’s something I have to do. We all know that.”

“I just worry about you.”

“I know,” Toni said softly. “And I need your help to get
through this, but squawking at my shrink isn’t the way to go about it.”

“I do
not
squawk,” Laura
said, narrowing her eyes.

“Okay, how about screech?”

Across the room, Abby stood quietly watching the exchange.
Her smile was minimal, at least on the outside. She was well aware of Laura’s
temper having been on the receiving end of it before, but she had never seen
the woman go from sixty to zero so fast. It was a pleasant change to see
someone reel in Laura so quickly, and Abby had a feeling it was one that would
be permanent.

“Well, I think this is my cue to leave,” Abby said as she
walked over.

“Will you have time to see me again this week?” Toni asked.
“What with today’s chat ending so abruptly, I mean.”

“I’ll check my planner and call you tomorrow,” Abby said,
glancing at her watch. “Oh my, look at the time. I’d better go. ”

“Not before I apologize,” Laura said, touching Abby’s sleeve.
“I acted like a prat, and I’m sorry.”

“Yes, you did, but you did it for all the right reasons,”
Abby said, patting Laura’s hand. “Now, how about walking me out?”

“All right,” Laura said, following her out of the room. When
they reached the door, Laura pulled Abby to a stop. “Abby, I was wondering—”

“Laura, you know I can’t tell you anything.”

“I know,” Laura said with a sigh. “I’m just worried about
her.”

“She’s fine. We were just going down a road that we hadn’t
yet visited, and it got to her, but she’s doing well, Laura. That much I can
say.”

“Yeah?”

Leaning over, Abby kissed Laura on the cheek. “Yes, now go
back in there and take care of your woman.”

Chapter Thirty

Labeled by the estate agent as a home office, the small room
situated under the stairs in Laura’s house, just like the drawer in the
kitchen, had held nothing but junk until Toni had moved in. Boxes of
decorations meant to be stored in the attic had been stacked in one corner, and
cartons filled with items not yet deemed to be junk, even though they were, had
been piled in another, but once Toni’s high-end treadmill was delivered, Laura
decided to turn the space into a home gym. It became a place where both could
visit to burn off excess energy or work out their frustrations, and since
admitting their feelings to one another, the treadmill was getting a workout.

Shutting off the machine, Laura picked up her bottle of water
and chugged it down. Wiping the sweat from her face with a nearby towel, she
listened by the door for a moment before shutting off the light and heading to
the kitchen.

“Have a good run?” Toni asked as Laura entered the room.

“Yep,” Laura said, sitting at the table. “Did Abby leave?”

“Yeah, a few minutes ago. Thanks for giving up your Friday
night for me.”

“I didn’t give it up,” Laura said, glancing at the clock.
“It’s still early. I’m just glad Abby could see you tonight. You’ve been a bit
out of sorts since your session on Wednesday.”

“Yeah, I know. I’m sorry. That’s the reason I asked to talk
to her tonight. Try to clear the cobwebs.”

“And did you?”

“I think so,” Toni said quietly.

Thinking for a moment, Laura said, “Toni, if you don’t want
me asking about your sessions—”

“No, it’s fine,” Toni said. “I really feel bad that I kept my
relationship with Abby a secret for so long, so if you want to know something,
just ask. I don’t want any more secrets. Okay?”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, and speaking of not having any secrets, I also told
Abby about us.” Hearing no response, Toni looked up and saw Laura staring back
at her. “What? Did I do something wrong?

“No, it’s just nice to hear you say
us
.”

“Yeah, I kind of liked it, too.”

Laura’s heart fluttered, and for a moment she became lost as
she gazed back at Toni, clueless that seconds were ticking by. Her mind
wandered to things not yet known, but when her thoughts caused her body to
pulse, Laura jerked upright in her chair. “I-I-I should go...go take a shower,”
she said, quickly getting to her feet. “You have any...um...any ideas about
what you want to eat tonight?”

It was a rare to see Laura rattled. Seemingly always in
control and focused, for her to blush and stammer like a teenager caused a
smile to form in Toni’s heart, and slowly, it found its way to her face. Giving
her reply in the form of an arched eyebrow, Toni watched Laura’s cheeks darken
a few more shades before she finally managed to stumble from the room.

For a few minutes, Toni sat at the table and just smiled. How
could she not? Never believing that she’d ever be attracted to another, the
reality of love was sinking in, and where once only fear lived, something else
had begun to lurk…and she liked it. She enjoyed the banter that now seemed
appropriate, the playful looks, the quiet talks, and she found herself wanting
to know, wanting to touch, and wanting to love. Wiping her palms on her jeans,
Toni let out a sigh and decided she’d best start dinner.

By the time Laura got upstairs, she was grinning like a fool.
She had known Toni for months, and during that time, Laura had seen her happy
and sad. She had seen her laugh and had seen her cry, but until now, she had
never seen the flirtatious, suggestive side of Toni Vaughn.

For the most part, after admitting their feelings, their
relationship had returned to that of friends, except for one thing. They both
knew they were more, and things were starting to change. Mornings were no
longer spent quietly sipping coffee, but instead they’d chat about their plans
for the day, the meal they would cook when they got home and who was going to
drive. Their evenings were spent on the sofa, each snuggling into their
favorite corner with a glass of wine, and while both attempted to read the
books they had chosen, more times than not, the pages didn’t hold their
interest. And when it was time to say good night, to bid farewell until the
morning, their eyes would meet and their voices would become whispers.

Quickly stripping out of her clothes, Laura sauntered into
the bathroom, her mind awash with all things Toni…totally unaware that she
wasn’t alone.

***

Gathering the ingredients for a salad, Toni grabbed a bowl
and got to work. Laughing to herself as she remembered Laura’s crimson face,
Toni reached for a knife, but the blade slipped from her fingers when she heard
Laura’s ear-piercing shriek.

Running from the kitchen, Toni took the stairs two at a time
and burst into Laura’s bedroom without giving it a second thought. Finding it
empty, she rushed into the bathroom…and then stopped as if she had run into a
wall.

For a split-second, Toni’s eyes opened wide and then,
shutting them tightly, she spun on her heel and yelled, “
Laura
!
What the fuck
!”

Mistakenly believing that closed eyelids could somehow erase
the sight from her mind, Toni tried her best to forget what she had just seen
with less than favorable results. It had been years since she had seen the
beautiful feminine form of another in all its glory, and while many a night
Toni had been tempted to search the Internet for what she knew existed, she
hadn’t. Now, she wished she had. Swells of ivory with darkened centers and a
dark triangle pointing to ecstasy would have been better viewed if they had
belonged to strangers, but the images filling Toni’s mind and heating her core
belonged to Laura…lock, stock and glorious barrel.

Standing by the shower wearing nothing but skin, Laura
quickly reached for a towel. “I saw a spider.”

Brought back to reality by Laura’s words, with her eyes still
clamped shut, Toni shouted, “You saw a spider?
You
saw a spider
! Jesus Christ, Laura, you scared the shit out of me!”

“I’m sorry, but I don’t like—”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. You don’t like spiders or heights.
I remember.”

“Could you get rid of it for me?”

Still cemented in place by the doorway, Toni asked, “Are you...are
you decent?”

“Yes, I have a towel.”

Toni opened her eyes and slowly turned around. Laura was
indeed wrapped in a towel, but the fact that Toni had just seen what was
underneath caused her body to throb...again. Trying to keep her eyes from
devouring Laura, Toni asked, “Where is the bloody thing?”

“I don’t know. I think it went over there,” Laura said,
pointing behind the toilet.

“Right,” Toni said, snatching a tissue from a box on the
vanity. “Let’s see if I can find the bastard.”

Looking this way and that, and believing the spider to be the
size of a double-decker bus by the decibel level of Laura’s shriek, when Toni
noticed the microscopic, eight-legged creature in the corner, she said, “Laura,
you can’t be serious. This little thing scared you?”

“I don’t like spiders.”

“Okay,” Toni said as she reached in and squished the bug with
the tissue. “There you go. All gone.”

“You killed it!”

Stunned, Toni looked at the crumpled tissue in her hand.
“Well, what the hell did you want me to do? Invite it to dinner?”

“No, I just wanted you to get rid of it. Put it outside. I
didn’t want you to kill it!”

Tilting her head to the side, Toni tried to think of
something to say. Unfortunately, pausing caused her eyes to wander…right up the
gap in the towel that showed more than an ample amount of Laura’s thigh and
bottom.

Laura wasn’t blind, but she was in love. When she realized
where Toni was looking, Laura held back her grin and didn’t move an inch. She
was amazed at how Toni’s perusal was affecting her, and under the pale green
terrycloth, she felt her nipples harden at the sheer eroticism of the moment.
She was being consumed by a look, and she liked it. She liked it a lot.

With a jerk, Toni came to her senses, and when she looked up
and saw Laura staring back at her, the room suddenly felt a lot hotter.
“Well...um...next time I’ll try to save the little bugger, but this one’s a
goner,” she said, tossing the tissue the wastebasket.

“Okay. Thanks,” Laura purred, shifting slightly to further
widen the gap in the towel.

Toni told herself not to look, but her eyes vehemently
refused to listen. Finding the opening in the towel again, they ogled the flesh
underneath. After a few moments, she returned to now with a jolt and
immediately lowered her gaze. “All right then. The spider’s gone, and I
was...what I mean to say is that I’ll go down and work on...work on making
dinner. How’s that?”

“That’s fine, sweetheart,” Laura said, trying to hide her
amusement. “So I guess you decided on what you wanted to eat tonight?”

With a groan, Toni threw an annoyed glance in Laura’s
direction before taking two long strides and exiting the room.

Turning on the taps, Laura allowed the water to come up to
temperature, and dropping the towel to the floor, she stepped under the hot
spray. As the water heated her skin, Laura remembered the look in Toni’s eyes,
and the result heated her blood.

***

“What’s wrong?”

“Who says there’s anything wrong?” Toni asked, flopping down
the sofa. “I’m fine.”

“You’re anything but, and I don’t think I need to repeat—”

“I know. I know. No lies, no covering things up...blah, blah,
blah.”

“You are definitely wound up about something.”

“
No
, I’m not!”

“Oh, Toni, who do you think you’re talking to? You’ve been my
patient for over six weeks, and that has given me more than enough time to
study your habits.”

“Oh, so now I’m something to be studied, am I?” Toni said,
glaring back at Abby.

“Toni, our sessions always start with coffee and biscuits,
but today you didn’t offer me either.”

“Maybe we’ve run out, or maybe I just wanted to be rude. Did
you ever think of that?”

When Abby didn’t answer, Toni looked in her direction and
watched as the woman settled into the sofa and casually crossed her legs.
Picking up her pen and paper, Abby knowingly smiled back.

“Christ, you’re a pain in the arse!” Toni barked. Jumping to
her feet, she began to pace around the room. “You know what? I don’t want to
talk today. How’s that? Why don’t you just get the hell out of—”

“Toni, knock it off.”

“Abby—”

“You’ve come too bloody far to start this shit now! Now stop
trying to avoid the subject and tell me what the fuck is wrong!”

As Abby knew it would, her outburst got Toni’s full
attention. She had never raised her voice in any of their sessions nor had she
ever dropped the F-bomb, but she had just done both with the desired effect.
Dumbfounded, Toni returned to the sofa.

“Now what’s going on? Are you and Laura doing okay?”

“Yeah, we’re fine. We’re more than fine.”

“Then what is it?”

Toni reached for her cigarettes, but then tossed them back onto
the table. “Saturday is the anniversary of...of the day I went into
Thornbridge.”

“I see, and that bothers you?”

“Of course it does! It’s the day I stopped being me.”

“You mean it’s the day when the person you used to be started
becoming the one you are now?”

“Yes.”

“Why is that so awful?”

“You’re kidding, right?” Toni asked, angrily glaring in
Abby’s direction.

“No, I’m not,” Abby said, straightening her posture. “Toni, I
know that you think that the woman you once were is gone—”

“She’s dead.”

“You couldn’t be more wrong,” Abby said, putting down her pen
and paper. “She’s not dead, Toni. She’s sitting right in front of me. Yes, she
has a few more issues than she had years ago, and maybe a few more blemishes
inside
and
out, but she’s not dead. She’s just
evolved.”

“Evolved? You call this evolved?” Toni growled back. “Correct
me if I’m wrong,
Abigail
, oh wise doctor, but
evolved normally means to improve, to change into something better than you
once were, and that sure as hell isn’t me!”

“It also means to develop or morph into something new. Sort
of like a caterpillar into a butterfly.”

“Great, now I’m a bug.”

Snickering, Abby said, “Toni, I’ll agree that parts of you
were lost when you went into Thornbridge and other parts were damaged, but
we’re working on getting those back. Aren’t we?”

“Yeah, I suppose.”

“Have you always had problems with this? I mean, the
anniversary of entering Thornbridge?”

“Yes. I tried not having a diary, but I had to keep track of
my classes somehow.”

“Tell me about it. Tell me about that day.”

“Do I have to?”

“No, you don’t have to, but I’d like you to.”

Toni leaned back, exhaling slowly as she allowed her thoughts
to return to Thornbridge again. “It was cold. Christ, it was so
fucking
cold, and the air tasted like...like wet
leaves. The ground was frozen, crunching under my feet as if I was walking on
gravel, but it was just dirt...hard, ugly dirt. The cons were shouting from the
windows as I was led across the courtyard, cackling and swearing, and trying to
intimidate me, but I hadn’t yet lost my defiance...my confidence, so I looked
up at those enormous stone walls dotted with windows and smirked at the faces I
couldn’t see. I was trying to be strong, but I was scared. I thought...no, I
knew
I was going to die behind those walls.”

“But you didn’t.”

Toni glared at Abby. “So what’s your point? I should be able
to just put that day behind me because I was wrong?”