Give Me a Reason (18 page)

“Yeah, that’s better. Thanks.”

“Don’t thank me yet.”

“Why?

“Because I’m not finished.”

“Oh.”

“After we empty the room, I’m going to ask you to help me
clean it up. I want to wash everything down and then get some paint and change
the colors.”

“To what?”

“I don’t know. You tell me.”

“Huh?”

“It’s your room. So it’s your choice.”

“But it’s your house.”

“Are we going to argue semantics?”

“Maybe,” Toni said, easing into a grin.

Laura laughed, and both relaxed, returning to the comfort of
a friendship that was growing by the minute.

“So, you and I will need to go shopping. We’ll need to buy a
new duvet and curtains, and we might as well spruce up the bathroom while we’re
at it. Don’t you think?”

“Why do I feel like there’s a
but
coming?”

“It’s not really a but; however, I’m fairly
certain...actually, I’m positive that you’re not going to like it.”

“Okay?”

“After it’s all said and done and the room is clean, and
we’ve replaced your books and your clothes, I’m going to break a promise, and
I’m letting you know that right now so there won’t be any surprises.”

Toni eyed Laura for a moment. “What promise?”

“I want you to trust me enough to tell me what happened at
Thornbridge.”

“No!” Toni shouted, jumping off the sofa. “I will
not
do that!”

“Toni, you’ve got to talk about—”

“Fuck you, Laura! I can't, and I won’t!” Toni screamed,
glaring at the woman. “Don’t you bloody get it? Every time...every
fucking
time I think of that place, I can’t breathe
and my head fills with the stench of that fucking hole. You were in my room.
Didn’t you smell it? Didn’t you see what they did to the
only
fucking book I had? How can you ask me to
relive that nightmare? How,
goddamn it
, how!”

“You need to get this out.”

“
You
need to go to hell,”
Toni yelled, heading toward the kitchen.

“Toni, please, it will help. It will be like...I don’t
know...cleansing.”

“What? Like washing it away, you mean? Talk about it and it
goes away?”

“In time it will, yes.”

Turning her back to Laura, Toni ripped the T-shirt from her
body, exposing the brutality of a place called Thornbridge. “Will it make these
go away, Laura? Will it? Or how about the ones on my legs or on my chest...or
in my
fucking
mind? Will they all just
disappear if I just
talk
about it!”

Toni crumpled to the ground and began to wail as she pulled
herself into a ball. Pounding her fist on the floor as she continued to weep,
she prayed to God that he’d take her…and take her now.

Chapter Seventeen

Ignoring the scars, Laura managed to get Toni to her feet.
Covering her with a throw from the sofa, she practically had to carry her up
the stairs, the woman leaning so heavily on her that Laura’s knees shook from
the strain. Once inside her bedroom, Laura pulled down the duvet, and Toni fell
into the softness that lay underneath, immediately returning to a fetal
position as she continued to cry. Her own tears unstoppable, Laura stood over
Toni, unsure of what to do to make the pain go away. Refusing to leave her
alone, Laura climbed across the duvet and spooned against the woman who didn’t
like to be touched, but this time Toni didn’t pull away. Spent and exposed, she
felt as beaten as she had when the belts had left their marks, and when Laura
reached around, lacing her fingers through Toni’s, the broken woman returned
the grasp more tightly than it was being given.

There were no words of comfort Laura could give, or soothing
reassurances to be spoken, so she said not a word, and simply held Toni tightly
as their tears fell together and their sobs became one. Finally, emotionally
exhausted, they fell asleep, Toni slipping into darkness seconds before Laura,
but their fingers remained intertwined and their bodies molded, back to front,
until the sound of the phone woke Laura up a few hours later.

Hearing the click of the answering machine, Laura extracted
herself from Toni’s grasp and crept to the bathroom to empty her bladder, brush
her teeth and wash the dried tears from her face.

Staring in the mirror, Laura reached out and ran her finger
over the glass, outlining her face as she thought about her feelings for the
woman lying in her bed. Between friends, especially best friends, emotions such
as love and trust were commonplace, and even anger, sadness, and at times,
disgust could be present. Over the years, her relationship with Abby had
produced a rainbow of emotions, from the joy of seeing her friend at the
holidays, to the disgust at her poor choice in men, but through it all, one
emotion prevailed...love. She loved Abby as best friends do, but when Laura was
lying next to Toni, she found herself thinking about more. She wondered about
how it would feel to kiss Toni’s tears away, instead of just holding her hand,
and about slipping under the duvet to press herself against the woman’s curves
and feel Toni’s warmth radiating against her own.

Shaking her head to clear her thoughts, Laura rationalized
again. “Stop being daft,” she said in a whisper. “She’s hurt and you want to
help. That’s all.”

Still wearing what was now a rather wrinkled little black
dress Laura tiptoed back into the bedroom to find clothes suited for cleaning.
After changing in the bathroom, she emerged to find Toni sitting up in bed,
covered up to the neck with the duvet.

“I need a T-shirt or something,” Toni said in a raspy voice.

“Of course. Hold on,” Laura said, opening the dresser.
Handing Toni a T-shirt, she said, “This should fit. I’ll get your things and
start a load of laundry, so you’ll have something of your own to wear by
tonight. Okay?”

“Sure,” Toni said flatly, refusing to look in Laura’s
direction.

“I’ll be downstairs if you need me, and I put some fresh
towels by the sink in case you want to get cleaned up.”

“Thanks.”

At the door, Laura turned. “Toni?”

“Yeah?”

“There’s nothing that I can say or do to take away those
scars, but please believe me when I tell you that they don’t matter to me. They
don’t define the woman I’ve come to know, and even though I know you’re angry
with me, that doesn’t change how I feel about you, and it never will. You may
have lost some friends because of this, but I’m here to stay. I can’t promise
that I still won’t want answers to questions, but I’ll wait until you’re ready
to talk. I’m not going anywhere, so if ever you need a shoulder to cry on or a
hand to hold, I’ll be there. I promise.”

***

After fixing a pot of coffee, Laura filled a large mug and
took a few sips before heading to Toni’s room. Deciding the best place to start
would be with the books, she grabbed an empty box and began filling it,
glancing at each title as she packed them away, and a few minutes later all the
books Toni had arranged by author the night before were once again in cartons
stacked near the door. Looking at the pile from Thornbridge, Laura decided
rubbish bags were in order, but when she went to the kitchen to fetch a few,
she stopped when she saw Toni sitting on the stairs, looking forlorn and
emotional.

“Are you okay?” Laura asked softly.

Slowly, Toni shook her head. “I’m scared.”

“Of what?”

“Of never being the person you want me to be.”

“Oh, Toni,” Laura said, sitting down beside her. “All I want
you to be is yourself, with all the faults and quirks that come from being
human. If you want to cry, then cry, and if you want to laugh, I’ll laugh with
you, and if you want to be angry for what those bastards did to you, then be
angry, Toni, because you have a right to be! What they did was wrong. Terribly,
terribly wrong, but you’ll never get past it if you don’t let it out.”

Toni stared at the floor as if she didn’t hear a word that
had been said, and with a sigh, Laura got up to walk away, but before she took
a second step, Toni grabbed her hand. At first, Laura did nothing, but when she
felt Toni tighten her grasp, Laura turned and saw tears rolling down Toni’s
face. Returning to the step, Laura put her arm around Toni to offer comfort,
and the floodgates opened. Unabashedly, Toni buried her face in Laura’s
shoulder, gasping for air in between loud, ragged sobs.

***

After the tears had stopped, Laura jogged up the stairs,
returning a minute later with a box of tissues in one hand, and a crumpled one
in the other. Sitting down beside Toni, Laura handed her the box, and in unison
they blew their noses, the impromptu concerto causing both to snicker under
their breath.

“Feeling better?” Laura asked quietly, pulling another tissue
from the box.

“I can’t ever remember crying this much. Sorry.”

“There’s absolutely nothing to apologize for, Toni.”

“Not even the fact that I told you to go to hell earlier?”

“No, I’ll even let that slide…this time,” Laura said lightly.

“I could use a drink,” Toni said matter-of-factly.

“We have Scotch, wine or beer. What’s your pleasure?”

“Beer would be good.”

“Be right back.”

Leaning against the stairs, Toni closed her eyes, hardly
moving a muscle until she felt Laura return to her side. 

“Here you go,” Laura said, handing her a bottle.

In silence, they sat hip to hip and sipped their beer until
the bottles were empty, and without asking, Laura returned to the kitchen and
retrieved two more.

“How far did you get?” Toni asked as Laura sat back down.

“Whatcha mean?”

“With the packing in my room.”

“Oh, I got the books boxed up, and I was coming out for some
bin liners when I saw you on the step.”

“Bin liners?”

“For the stuff from Thornbridge.”

“Oh, right.”

“Was there anything in there you wanted to keep?”

“There are a few pictures in my old wallet I’d like, but the
rest can go.”

“Okay. You’ll have to help me with your clothes. I don’t know
what’s old and what’s not.”

“Can you bring them out here?”

“Absolutely.”

“Can I ask you a favor?”

“Of course.”

“Can we light some candles, scented ones, and maybe let them
burn in there for a while?”

Laura leaned against Toni’s shoulder and said, “I’ll burn
dozens if that’s what you want.”

“Thanks.”

“No problem.”

Taking a swig of beer, Toni said quietly, “So what now?”

“Well, I’m going to go get some more bin liners and finish
what I started, and you can work on finishing that beer.”

“I feel like I should help you, but I don’t know how.”

Seeing the exhaustion in Toni’s eyes, Laura said, “Actually,
you can help by going back upstairs and lying down for a while. There’s nothing
you can do right now, and I don’t think you need to see any of that stuff
again, even if it’s just me taking it to the rubbish bins, right?”

“I’d rather not.”

“Good, then go lie down. I’ll call you when I get things
sorted, and then we’ll go through your clothes.”

“I still have no idea why you’re doing all of this.”

Without giving it a second thought, Laura leaned over and
placed a light kiss on Toni’s cheek. “Give me a reason why I shouldn’t.”

***

Between filling rubbish sacks and carrying Toni’s clothes to
the lounge, it was nearly four o’clock before Laura opened another bottle of
beer and headed up the stairs. The bedroom door was open and when she walked
inside and saw Toni sprawled across the bed, a small grin appeared on her face.
About to turn and leave, she heard her mumble, “I’m not asleep.”

“Great imitation,” Laura said, chuckling to herself.

“What time is it?”

“Just after four. I was thinking about ordering some pizza,
and then afterward we can sort out your clothes.”

Swinging her legs over the side of the bed, Toni yawned.
“That works for me. Just let me get cleaned up and I’ll be down.”

“See you in a bit.”

After using the facilities, Toni splashed water on her face
and combed her damp fingers through her hair, trying to make at least a few
strands go in the right direction. Looking at her reflection in the mirror, she
frowned. Although she had changed into one of Laura’s T-shirts the night
before, the jeans she was wearing, she had worn for over a day. She had never
noticed how faded and threadbare they had become, or how baggy in the seat and
the leg, and she sighed. She used to care about how she looked, always shopping
in the better stores and buying the newest styles. She’d have them tailored to
fit her long legs and narrow hips, but she hadn’t given it a second thought for
years...until now.

Toni felt oddly calm for having such a tormenting night and
morning. Her eyes were bloodshot and glassy from the tears she had shed for so many
hours, but when she inhaled, her lungs filled easily. She could breathe. Her
life was packed away in boxes and rubbish bags, and for the first time in
years, breathing came easy. Was this the cleansing Laura had talked about? Was
this the start of becoming
normal
? Would there
be a day when she didn’t cringe at people or places she didn’t know, or recoil
from the touch of another human being?

Toni’s eyes widened, remembering that she hadn’t pulled away
from Laura, but rather fell into her arms willingly. And when Laura had hugged
her and held her tight, it had felt good, and it had felt right. After her
tears had stopped, she had kept her head buried in Laura’s shoulder, breathing
deep a blend of scents unfamiliar yet wonderful. Strawberry shampoo and vanilla
bath oil, perhaps? Or was it simply fabric softener smelling of flowers? And
then, there was the perfume. The faintest hint of a fragrance that was feminine
and soft, and it had struck Toni at the time that the scent seemed to match the
texture of Laura’s skin.

With one more glance in the mirror, Toni took a deep breath,
flicked off the light and went downstairs, walking into the kitchen just as
Laura was hanging up the phone.

“I hope you like pepperoni and sausage.”

“That’s fine.”

“You doing okay?”

“A bit wiped out.”

“Understandable,” Laura said. “I’ve got to go pick up dinner.
Do you want to come with me? Get out of here for a few?”

Looking at her rumpled clothes, Toni said, “Thanks, but if
it’s all the same to you, I’ll just stay here.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah, I’ll be fine, Laura.”

“Okay, I’ll be back in a tick.”

After grabbing a beer, Toni went to the lounge, but stopped
in the doorway when she saw the disarray caused by a woman on a mission. Laura
had boxes stacked in one corner, with trash bags neatly tied shut next to them,
and all the clothes that had been hanging in Toni’s wardrobe were now draped
over chairs around the room. Even the drawers from the dresser were stacked
behind the sofa, waiting to be emptied. Walking over to a pile separated from the
rest, Toni couldn’t help but grin. While Laura had said that she’d need help
discerning new clothes from old, all the ones Toni had purchased with Krista
several weeks before had been segregated to just one chair.

Taking a sip of beer, she started rummaging through the
folded Oxfords and T-shirts, fingering the old fabrics as she decided what to
keep, and spying an open bin liner on the floor, she scooped up the lot, save
two, and dumped them inside. Trousers and jeans were next and after setting
aside a couple of pairs, she tossed the rest in the bag before proceeding to
the drawers stacked on the floor. Kneeling, Toni began to root through the
socks, bras and knickers, and she felt her cheeks heat. Most of the socks were
worn at the heel and had holes in the toes, and her assortment of knickers had
loose threads or exposed elastic, but the bras were the worst. The only color
she owned was white, but the white had long ago faded to gray. Straps were
frayed and hooks were missing, and remembering that most were ill-fitting and
loose, with one scoop, all but two were thrown into the bag. Choosing the best
of the worst, socks and knickers followed, and other than a few pairs of the
softest flannel pajamas known to man and a pair of track pants, the rest of her
clothes disappeared behind the black plastic of a rubbish sack.

“It’s me,” Laura called out, walking in the front door.
“Where are you?”

“Lounge.”

Coming around the corner, Laura stopped. “You’ve been busy. I
thought we’d tackle it after dinner.”