Girls to Total Goddesses (17 page)

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32

After we’d finished our hot chocs, the transformation began. We took the box upstairs into the master bedroom so we could use Jackie Norman’s dressing table. She has a great set of mirrors, but she still always looks a mess. That’s kids for you, I suppose.

Chloe chose a red beard and moustache, and found some horn-rimmed glasses.

‘I’m a professor from Berlin!’ she said, trying to put on an old-fashioned German voice. ‘I haf been studying ze sexual behaviour ov tortoises!’

I patted my bristly grey beard and moustache into place, then whitened and roughed up my eyebrows to match.

‘I’ve been living in a cave in Outer Mongolia!’ I informed her. ‘I’m Zilch the snake charmer.’

‘That’s not what the snakes tell me!’ giggled Chloe. ‘They say you’re a bit of a pest!’

‘I’m going to make myself very, very old,’ I decided. I found a hairpiece with a bald effect and tufts of white hair round the crown. Scrunching my hair right back, I pulled the hairpiece on and stared at the weird old guy staring back at me. I pulled a series of ugly faces, all richly comic.

‘God, it’s so lovely aiming to look hideous instead of trying to be cool and glamorous all the damn time,’ I sighed in bliss, adjusting my white sidelong tufts. I found a secret drawer in the make-up box containing warts. I applied three: one to my nose and two to my chin. Chloe was busy blacking out her teeth.

‘Yeah,’ she agreed. ‘Just last week I was dreaming of saving up to have my teeth whitened. But now I realise how wrong you can be: get a load of this.’ She grinned enchantingly at me, revealing two big black gaps. ‘Black is the new white, yeah?’

I designed pouchy bags under my eyes and crow’s-feet lines running right across my cheeks.

‘Let’s see what Mr Norman can offer in the way of dressing-up togs,’ I mused, getting up and opening the built-in wardrobe.

‘What time are they due back?’ asked Chloe nervously, looking at her watch.

‘Don’t worry, they said they wouldn’t be back before eleven-thirty,’ I assured her. ‘It’s not even nine yet. We’ve got loads of time.’

I found a pair of men’s trousers and put them on. The waist was way too big so I decided to install a massive paunch. The bed was dressed with some cushions so I slipped one down into my knicks. Mr Norman’s jacket fitted me quite well – he’s not very tall. Chloe chose his sports gear, and dressed herself up in football shorts and shirt.

We stared at ourselves in the full-length mirror: a strange bespectacled red-bearded German prof out jogging, and a fat old scumbag with a bald head, warts and a massive gut.

‘At last,’ I croaked in a dirty old man voice, ‘the makeover of our dreams!’ We fell about laughing, and the two old blokes in the mirror were laughing, too.

‘You know, Erik,’ I said, throwing my arm around Chloe’s shoulders, ‘I’ve heard there are two very beautiful girls who live near here. Called Zoe and Chloe.’

‘Ja!’ agreed Erik. ‘Good idea, Zilch. I sink we schould ask zem out.’

‘Not girls, goddesses!’ I enthused, rubbing my hands in an obscene way. ‘Chloe – what a beauty! I love the way she speaks Arabic! Her teeth are so white, they give me a migraine!’

‘And Zoe!’ cried Prof Erik. ‘Not a girl, an angel! So assertif! Ven sche says “No”, sche means “No”!’

‘And zey are both zo physically fit!’ added Zilch, also mysteriously becoming German despite his years in a Mongolian cave. ‘I hear zey run thirty miles a day!’

‘Ja!’ agreed Prof Erik. ‘Uphill, too!’

At this point the doorbell rang. We froze.

‘It’s them!’ panicked Chloe. ‘They’ve come back early!’

‘They wouldn’t ring the doorbell!’ My heart was racing in panic. ‘They’ve got their own keys!’

‘Unless they’ve lost them?’ breathed Chloe, her eyes wide and terrified behind the horn-rimmed glasses.

We tiptoed out of the Normans’ bedroom and looked down the stairs into the hall. We heard voices outside: a boy’s voice and a girl’s.

‘Oh, it’ll be Jess and Fred,’ I suddenly remembered. ‘They’ve come back to pick up the make-up. Let’s show them our glamorous new look! They’ll crack up!’

We ran downstairs and flung the door open. But it wasn’t Fred and Jess. It was Beast and Charlie.

I felt an electric shock flash through me. I was astounded. Beast couldn’t have arrived at a worse moment. What could I say, with my bald head and warts and tufts of ancient hair? And having Charlie there made things a thousand times worse.

Beast and Chloe stared at us in amazement. Then his face broke into a grin. Charlie clapped her hand across her mouth and sniggered, as if she wasn’t supposed to laugh.

‘Zoe?’ said Beast. ‘Uhhh, and this must be Chloe? Or is it the famous Dan?’

‘Dan had to go,’ I said firmly, summoning as much goddess haughtiness as I could muster. ‘He couldn’t come to terms with my secret identity. It’s time you met my alter ego: Zilch the snake charmer.’ Beast stared at me and laughed, shook his head in disbelief, and laughed again. He has a lovely, masculine, ringing laugh, but I wished it wasn’t directed at me.

‘Is this to do with that pantomime you told me about?’ asked Charlie, arching her eyebrows in a way which suggested that though our appearance might be amusing, it was also tasteless and weird.

‘The pantomime was just a joke,’ I said quickly.

‘Come in,’ said Chloe, disastrously, ‘and have a coffee!’ I so wanted them to leave immediately and now they had to stay long enough to have a hot drink!

‘Thanks, but we can’t stay,’ said Charlie firmly. ‘We’re off to celebrate our anniversary.’

A red-hot comet scorched through my intestines. Their anniversary? What was this? A week since they got together, or something?

‘Your anniversary?’ Luckily Chloe still had some breath left. Mine was gone, as if I’d been punched in the stomach.

‘Five years since the founding of Major Events!’ announced Charlie.

‘Congratulazionz,’ I said in my Zilch voice. ‘Vor a moment I thought you ver married. But if not, may I haf you vor my seventh wife?’ I reached out and stroked Charlie’s shoulder. It was the only way I could think of to recover my composure and get back at her.

‘Ugh! Cut it out, Zoe!’ shrilled Charlie. ‘Gross! Pervy!’ She shook me off. I was enjoying freaking her out and kept going.

‘In my country,’ I croaked, ‘we haf many wives. I haf six, one for each day ov ze week. You want to be wife number seven? You pretty girl, but too thin!’ I grabbed Charlie’s arm and squeezed. Beast roared with laughter. Charlie pushed me off.

‘Stop it, Zoe, it’s weird and disgusting!’ she said.

‘It’s not weird!’ grinned Beast. ‘It’s hilarious!’

‘If you marry me,’ I said, on a high now and leering hideously into Charlie’s face, ‘you must put on weight. You must eat goose fat sandwiches vor breakfast and pigs’ trotters vor dinner.’

‘I’m not going to marry you, you weirdo!’ snapped Charlie. She seemed totally unable to enter into the joke. ‘Stop being so pervy!’

‘Maybe you prefer marry Erik?’ I asked Charlie, pulling Chloe forward. ‘Erik likes pretty ladies!’ Chloe giggled, revealing her blackened teeth.

‘Beast, we have to go,’ said Charlie, ignoring us and looking at her watch.

‘I know, I know,’ Beast sighed. ‘But I’m enjoying the cabaret.’ He pulled an envelope out of his pocket. ‘I dropped by,’ he said, ‘to give you some comps. Your dad told me you were babysitting, and on the way I ran into Charlie, so . . .’

‘Amazing coincidence, huh? We decided to have a drink,’ said Charlie quickly. ‘I love it when things just happen! No planning, just spur of the moment, flash of inspiration – suddenly, wow! You’re having the best time!’ She looked coyly across at Beast. My mind was whirling. So they hadn’t set out together this evening, then – they’d met by accident. If they were an item, wouldn’t they have arranged to meet? Wouldn’t they have been texting each other non-stop every hour of the day?

Beast opened the envelope, and at the sight of his lovely strong hands my heart missed a beat and all my warts twanged.

‘There are half a dozen tickets here,’ he said, ‘so you can bring your friends – or maybe your wives?’ He handed me the envelope. His grey-green eyes were dancing. I opened it and admired the tickets.

‘Wunderful!’ I croaked, still in character. ‘Thank you, sir.’

‘One for me!’ shrieked Chloe, snatching at the tickets. I shouldered her off.

‘So where are you going for your spur-of-the-moment, flash-in-the-pan, best evening ever?’ I enquired, abandoning my Zilch voice and giving in to furious jealousy disguised as light-hearted curiosity, with a tasty dash of sarcasm.

‘We might go to the Red Lion – that’s Beast’s favourite place, isn’t it, Beastie Boy?’ smirked Charlie. ‘They’ve got a band tonight.’

‘Well have fun, you young people,’ I croaked, back in character.

‘Enjoy your babysitting!’ smiled Charlie, managing to make it sound infantile and nerdy. Then she grabbed Beast’s arm and turned away, forcing him back down the path. He looked surprised, then kind of exaggerated his surprise as if he was being arrested, then shrugged and shook his head.

‘Bye, Zilch! Bye, Erik!’ Beast called out. Moments later they disappeared round the corner.

‘Wow!’ said Chloe as we closed the door. ‘Wasn’t that hilarious! And I’ve realised something amazing, really – I’m totally over him. I don’t mind if Beast has a girlfriend, and they seemed quite well suited, don’t you think?’

There was a mirror on the wall, and for a split second I saw my hideous warty baldness, and imagined Charlie’s lovely face alongside it. The contrast was devastating.

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33

‘Oh Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahd!’ While Beast was on the doorstep, I’d managed to keep my cool, even mess about. Now I let rip: I simply roared. Chloe stared, open-mouthed.

‘Zoe? What’s wrong?’ I marched off to the kitchen, my ears ringing, my heart pounding. I turned on the taps and stood by the kitchen sink, raging,
raging
. I ripped off my moustache. It stung like hell. I pulled off my bald wig and ran my fingers savagely through my hair. I washed my face with soap. It was totally the wrong way to get the make-up off, but I was in a daze. I didn’t know what I was doing. Beast had seen me looking
absolutely hideous
. Chloe was peering at me from behind her horn-rimmed professor’s glasses.

‘I don’t think you’re supposed to take the make-up off like that, Zoe. Use the cream.’

‘I know! I know!’ I yelled. I was distraught.

‘Zoe?’ Chloe stared up at me, totally puzzled. ‘What is it?’

‘Nothing!’ I snarled. I couldn’t control myself. I’d thought, for days, that I was over Beast and enjoying my freedom, but suddenly seeing him with Charlie, like this – at a time when I’d never looked more repulsive – had brought all my crazy old feelings back, worse than ever.

‘Zoe! Sit down,’ said Chloe. She sounded concerned. ‘Tell me what’s the matter.’

I sat down at the kitchen table, ran my fingers through my hair, and pulled, hard, until the roots stung. There was a silence. Chloe waited. Finally the moment had come to tell her the whole truth.

‘You may be over Beast,’ I said eventually, in a weird husky voice that seemed to come from outer space, ‘and you may not mind if he has a girlfriend, but I . . . I
do
mind. I’m sorry, Chloe, but I mind like hell.’ Chloe’s eyes widened in amazement.

‘What?’ she squeaked. ‘You mean you –?’ I nodded. ‘Zoe, this is weird. You’ve got to take me through this blow-by-blow. I can’t get my head round it.’

‘What’s to tell?’ I shrugged helplessly.

‘But I thought you hated Beast?’

‘No,’ I said eventually, and it came out as a massive sigh that seemed to release some long pent-up feeling. ‘I don’t hate him now. I’ve realised he’s amazing.’

‘What made you change your mind?’

‘When we were in Newquay and Tam had appendicitis. He knew just what to do. He organised everything. Tam could have died if he hadn’t realised she was so ill.’

‘And you’ve felt this way since then?’

‘Yes. Basically.’

‘But, Zoe, why didn’t you tell me?’ I squirmed.

‘So many reasons. I thought you might still have a little tiny thing about him.’

‘But I’ve told you over and over that I haven’t!’

‘Well, but . . . you know sometimes we don’t tell each other the total truth, because we don’t want to hurt each other’s feelings.’

‘But, Zoe! You must have asked me about this a hundred times!’ Chloe sat back in her chair, shaking her head. She took off her horn-rimmed glasses at last, but the beard and moustache were still in place. It gave the conversation a surreal air. ‘So that was why you kept on interrogating me about it! Now I understand! Always on and on about how I felt about Beast, every five minutes!’

‘Not every five minutes!’ I grumbled. ‘I just didn’t want to tread on your toes, that’s all. I wasn’t sure what your reaction would be.’

Chloe stared at me for a moment. Her eyes filled with tears. It looked a bit odd, what with the facial hair and everything.

‘You really are the best mate,’ she said. ‘But you don’t have to take care of me to that extent, you know. You’re the one who needs a bit of support right now.’

‘I can cope with it if he’s with Charlie,’ I said. ‘If they’re an item, he’s welcome to her and he’s a bigger idiot than I thought.’

‘I’ve only met her once,’ faltered Chloe, ‘at the Dolphin Cafe, when he introduced us . . . Don’t you like her, then?’

‘She’s such a show-off,’ I said bitterly. ‘So up herself it isn’t true. But I’m so confused about everything, I don’t know if I would feel better about it if she was really nice as well as beautiful . . . Maybe it would be easier to accept.’

‘But we don’t even know if they are an item.’

‘You assumed they were.’

‘I was going by the way she was acting. But now I come to think of it, Beast wasn’t really like somebody out with his latest squeeze.’

‘You’re just saying that to make me feel better.’

‘No, Zoe, I’m just trying to remember exactly how they were . . . She was going on about Our Anniversary, and it was only Major Events.’

‘Which is her uncle’s company,’ I added.

‘Is it?’ Chloe pounced on this interesting piece of info. ‘Well, poor Beast’s in a bit of a fix, then, isn’t he? So much harder to say no.’

‘Well.’ I was recovering my composure now. It was such an immense relief to have told Chloe. And she had reacted brilliantly. ‘If he doesn’t say no to Charlie because she’s the boss’s niece, I shall treat him with the contempt he deserves.’

‘That’s right!’ Chloe encouraged me. ‘Go girl! Goddesses don’t mope about with broken hearts! They soar up on a pillar of fire and turn people into slugs!’

I felt better, and we went upstairs to remove our make-up properly, with cold cream and stuff. I had a very sore lip where I’d ripped off my moustache, and I knew it was still going to be red tomorrow. But my black eye had more or less faded and my beard of scabs was healing fast. There was room in my repertoire for something new and cute.

‘What we have to do,’ said Chloe firmly, ‘is find out what the situation is between Beast and Charlie. Tactfully.’

‘And if they are an item,’ I declared, ‘I will soar up on a pillar of fire and turn her into a . . . what was it?’

‘A giant slug.’

‘A cockroach.’

‘And if they aren’t an item, Zoe?’ Chloe looked at me in the bathroom mirror, her eyebrows playfully arched. ‘Go in there and grab him with both hands!’

A huge tingle ran up my spine at the thought, exploding at the base of my neck. But how could I possibly grab Beast, after he’d seen me all bald and warty? Surely nobody could fancy anyone after seeing them like that?