Girl Online (31 page)

Gulp! I hope you like it

I open the case and take out the CD. I suddenly get an attack of nerves. I’ve been imagining it as a heartwarming ballad but what if it’s something jokey and silly? What if it’s about how much I love crunchy peanut butter?
Get a grip
, I tell myself as I put the CD into the stereo and press play. I needn’t have worried. Right from the very first gentle strum of the guitar, I know that it’s going to be beautiful. As I lean back against my bed, I spot a little folded-up note inside the CD case. I open it as Noah starts singing. At the top of the page is the title “Autumn Girl.” Beneath it are the lyrics. I read them as Noah sings.

AUTUMN GIRL

Autumn Girl

You changed my world

You made my winter golden

When I was lost

You made me found

Your loving smile

Turned my life around

Autumn Girl

You changed my world

You made the moon shine amber

And now you’re far

Away from me

I close my eyes

And still I see

Your sunset hair

Your glowing skin

The arms I long

To be held in.

Autumn Girl

You changed my world

You changed my world

You changed my world

By the time the song’s finished playing, my entire body is glowing like my cinnamon candle. Noah wrote that for me. He wrote those beautiful words for me. About me. I grab my phone and send him a text. I go overboard with kisses at the end, because I know he won’t mind.

I love it! Thank you
xxxxxxxx

Straightaway he replies.

Seriously?

Yes!!! It’s beautiful Xxxx

So are you

I’m about to reply when he sends another text.

The most beautiful inciting incident in the history of inciting incidents

Ditto xxx

That night, when I go to sleep, I play Noah’s song on repeat and I imagine myself back in the tent, surrounded by the warm glow of fairy lights and with Noah’s arms wrapped tight around me. For the first night in ages I don’t have any nightmares.

2 January

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Hello!

I hope you all had a great Christmas.

So, I’m back home. And as it’s the start of a whole new year I thought it would be fun to do a post about new year’s resolutions.

On the plane on the way home I read a magazine article that said you should only choose three new year’s resolutions because that way there’s way more chance of you actually achieving them.

This is so true!

I used to be so into new year’s resolutions I’d write pages of them and then, by February, when I’d only done about one of them
(and never the one about eating less chocolate)
I’d feel all crap about myself and not bother anymore.

So this year I’m only going to have three and I think it would be really cool if you guys each chose three too and posted them in the comments below and then we can keep up-to-date with each other’s progress—just like on the fear post.

So I’ll start. This year my three resolutions are:

Number One: To be happy

Number Two: To face my fears

Number Three: To believe in myself

OK, I just realized something as I was typing.

If it wasn’t for Brooklyn Boy I wouldn’t be posting those resolutions at all.

The truth is he’s already helped me to start achieving all three of them.

I’m missing him SO much right now but your comments on my previous post have really helped me.

Thank you so much to everyone who said that things will work out between us. If I could add on a sneaky extra resolution it would be to believe in that too.

And thank you to everyone who posted about the fun people who’ve made the weirdest places interesting. I loved hearing about them.

And to all of you who have asked me to post a picture of Brooklyn Boy, I’m really sorry, but some things just need to be kept private. I hope you understand.

Happy New Year, everyone—I can’t wait to read your resolutions!

Girl Online, going offline xxx

Chapter Thirty-Six

As soon as I’ve posted my blog, I sit down at my dressing table and start getting ready to go out with Elliot. It’s almost midday and Mum and Dad have gone to the supermarket to do a mega-shop as there’s hardly any food in the house. Tom is back home and downstairs doing some last-minute work on a uni assignment. Everything around me is going back to how it was before New York—but I’m not.

As Noah’s song plays in the background, I look at my reflection in the dressing-table mirror. On the surface I’m the same person—the same sprinkling of freckles on my nose and the same auburn hair—but how I see myself is totally different. It’s a bit like when you watch a movie with a killer twist at the end and you discover that the goodie is actually the baddie. But in this case the twist is that I’ve discovered that I’m not embarrassing and ugly after all. I’ve discovered that the things I thought were ugly actually make me look like autumn—and sunsets. I don’t need to conceal my freckles with a layer of foundation anymore. I don’t need to tie my hair back to hide its redness. I can leave it down and show it off.

Seeing myself through Noah’s eyes has helped me to see the truth. I look at the photo of Noah pinned to the top of my mirror. I printed it out as soon as I woke up this morning so that I’m still able to see him whenever I want. “Thank you,” I whisper to his smiling face.

I’m just about to brush my hair when the text alert goes off on my phone. My first thought is Noah but as I click into my messages my heart doesn’t just sink—it plummets. It’s from Megan.

Hey, Penny! Are you back home? It would be lovely to catch up xoxo

I stare at the screen. And then I realize that this is one of those “put your money where your mouth is” moments. If I truly have changed I have to prove it with my actions, starting right here, with Megan. I click on reply and text back.

No thanks

As the text alert goes off my heart pounds so hard it actually feels like it might come bursting up through my throat.

What?!!!

I take a deep breath and start to type.

I don’t want to catch up with you because I’ve got nothing to say to you

I sit tapping my fingers on my dressing table waiting for her response. I picture her throwing her hair back over her shoulder and pouting. She seems so silly now—so childish. It’s as if going halfway across the world has allowed me to see everything so clearly; it’s like it’s given me a bird’s-eye view of my life and everything that needs to change. My phone goes off.

I can’t believe you’re being like this! And after all I’ve done for you!

What?! I stare at the phone. All she’s done for me? This time I feel no nervousness as I type my reply. This time I’m fired up by anger.

What, like posting that video of me on Facebook and constantly putting me down? I can do without that kind of friendship, thanks. Don’t contact me again

I press send and, although my hands are shaking like crazy, I feel really proud. And then I realize that I just managed to achieve all three of my resolutions in one go. I faced my fear of Megan, I believed in myself, and it’s made me feel incredibly happy. I refresh the page on my blog and see that I’ve already got two comments.

Hi Girl Online,

Happy New Year!

My three resolutions are:

1. To be proud of how I look

2. To read more books

3. To cut down on sugar

Amber xx

I quickly post a reply to her.

Thanks, Amber. Good luck—especially with the sugar one! Xx

I scroll down to the next comment and what I see makes me freeze.

I just have one resolution this year—to make sure I never put the online world before the real one.

But it isn’t the comment that’s making me feel so sick, it’s the username: Waldorf Wild. Elliot has posted on my blog.
He never posts on my blog. It’s a kind of unwritten rule we’ve had from the start, to make sure that it stayed anonymous. And it has to be me he’s talking about. I stare at the screen as I try to work out why he would write that. It must be because I blogged about Noah again. But what does he expect me to do when he keeps acting so weird about it all? At least my readers are supportive. At least they want to hear about it.

I hear the doorbell ring downstairs. Elliot’s not supposed to be calling till one. I feel a glimmer of hope. Maybe he’s feeling bad about the blog post. Maybe he’s come around early to apologize.

I hear Tom and another male voice talking, then the sound of footsteps on the stairs and a knock on my bedroom door. I put my laptop on my dressing table and take a deep breath, trying to mentally prepare myself as I call out, “Come in.” But no amount of deep breathing could prepare me for what happens next. The door opens, and Ollie walks in.

“Ollie!”

“Hi, Penny.” He shifts uncomfortably from foot to foot and runs his hand through his tousled blond hair. “I hope you don’t mind me coming round like this. Your brother—he told me to come up.”

“Oh.” I stare at him for a moment, not having a clue what else to say. Why is he here, in my house? He looks so awkward and embarrassed, like he isn’t sure why he’s here either. “Come in, sit down,” I say finally, gesturing at my armchair.