Girl, 15: Flirting for England (30 page)

The bell went for afternoon school. Jodie got up and touched Flora briefly on the shoulder.

‘Forget Gerard,’ she said. ‘“No man is worth it” as they say in
Some Like It Hot
.’

It seemed Jodie had got rid of her evil mood and was extending the olive branch. Jess felt relieved. It was good to be back in touch with Jodie’s normal cheery self.

Flora, however, was so deeply depressed she could barely walk or talk. She dragged herself up off the bench and slouched off to maths. She would normally have trotted happily off to maths, like a puppy going on a walk.

After maths it was history, and then they walked home. Some of the time, Flora was actually crying, silently. As they neared her house she dried her eyes on a tissue.

‘Come in with me, Jess,’ she pleaded. ‘I’ll tell my mum I was crying about some whales that got stranded on the beach or something.’

Flora’s mum was out at the hairdresser’s, so no lying was necessary. They went up to Flora’s room. She switched on her laptop and checked her e-mail. Nothing.

‘He hasn’t e-mailed me or texted me for over five days,’ she said. Her face was pale, her eyes huge and brimming. ‘I’ve sent him messages every day. What if he’s been killed in an accident or something?’

Jess realised her time had come. Up till now, she hadn’t wanted to tell Flora the truth because she knew it would destroy her happiness. Now she
had
to tell her because there was just a chance it would, ultimately, destroy her
un
happiness.

‘OK,’ said Jess. ‘It’s time you knew.’

Chapter 40

‘Gerard is a flirt and a time-wasting womaniser,’ said Jess. She said it fast, so it might possibly hurt less. Flora looked shocked and panicky. Then she frowned and her eyes flashed.

‘
What?
’ she said.

‘Just before he got with you on the camping trip, he was holding my hand and telling me how great I was,’ said Jess. ‘I didn’t say anything when you and he got together because I didn’t want to upset you. You seemed so happy and, well, I suppose I thought he was entitled to change his mind.’

Flora looked troubled. You could tell hundreds of thoughts were racing across her mind. But she said nothing, and her eyes were hostile.

‘But then,’ Jess went on, ‘when we said goodbye on Sunday, he whispered something really gross in my ear and gave me his card and asked me to write to him.’

‘Something really gross?’ gasped Flora. ‘What?’

Jess told her. Flora cringed and went pale, but she didn’t look quite so tragic any more. She was still hostile, but now the target was Gerard, not Jess.

‘Don’t cry,’ said Jess. ‘Jodie was right about one thing – he’s not worth it.’

‘There’ll be no more stupid crying, that’s for sure!’ said Flora, though she was deathly pale. She picked up the jacket she’d just taken off, and put it on again. ‘I need to go for a walk. On my own for a bit. Sorry.’

‘It’s fine, it’s totally fine!’ said Jess. ‘I have to go on home anyway. I’ve got heaps of stuff to do.’

When she got home, Jess’s first task was to clear out her pockets. She found the card Gerard had given her. On the back he had written,
To dear Jess, love Gerard
,
and there were three kisses. Jess stared at it thoughtfully for a couple of seconds, and then rather ceremoniously burnt it in a saucer.

‘Goodbye for ever, loser,’ she said. ‘You’re not worthy to kiss the seat of my rather enormous pants.’

Next day Flora was a different person. She was back to her old self. She bought a large baguette and took an enormous bite.

‘Wow, it’s such a relief to have my appetite back!’ she said, through mouthfuls of egg mayo.

‘And it’s good to be able to talk properly again,’ said Jess. ‘I mean, when we were camping, I couldn’t communicate with you. It was horrible.’

‘I’m really sorry,’ said Flora thoughtfully. ‘It’s weird how that happened.’

‘It’s the story of my life,’ said Jess. ‘I can’t talk to my mum about my dad, I can’t mention my mum to my dad, my mum and dad can’t talk to each other, my granny talks to dead people . . .’

‘I can’t talk to my dad either,’ said Flora. ‘I have to rehearse everything in my head before I speak to him.’

‘And for two weeks I was banged up with a Hobbit who only spoke Elvish,’ said Jess. ‘You were lucky, having Marie-Louise. She was great. Have you heard from her?’

‘Yes,’ said Flora. ‘Apparently her boyfriend wasn’t two-timing her. Although she still sounded a bit uneasy about it. I don’t think she can really trust him.’

‘Men!’ said Jess. ‘Hopeless. Can’t talk, won’t talk.’

At this moment Fred swooped past them and did a mime as if lifting his hat politely in a 1940s film.

‘Good day, ladies!’ he said. ‘Can’t stop! Have to save the world by 2.30.’

‘There is Fred, of course,’ said Flora. ‘He never stops talking.’

‘Yes, of course, Fred,’ said Jess. ‘I can communicate with him. But he’s so eccentric – he’s a one-off.’

There was a pause while they got on with their baguettes. Jess’s was cheese and pickle. She could feel it going down her throat and heading straight for her hips.

‘Have you still not heard from Gerard?’ asked Jess. ‘Or is it a pointless question?’

‘Oh, no,’ said Flora bitterly. ‘And I hope I never do. I hate him now. It’s great, actually. I feel kind of free, you know? But I am a bit guilty about you, Jess. I mean, he hit on me after he’d started with you, and you never said a thing. You must have been so upset. It must have seemed like I’d grabbed your guy.’

‘Oh, it was no big deal,’ said Jess. ‘It wasn’t like he’d proposed or anything. I didn’t mention it because I didn’t want to hurt you. Although, to be honest, there were moments when I wanted to murder you – painlessly, of course.’

‘You are the best friend in the galaxy,’ said Flora, ‘and may my fingernails be pulled out one by one if I ever dump all over you like that again.’

‘If we just make sure we always keep talking,’ said Jess, ‘nothing like this will ever happen again.’ She was to remember this conversation a couple of months later.

‘OK,’ said Flora. ‘It’s a deal. Now, we’re through with live men, obviously, so I’m going to have a crush on someone who’ll never let me down. Superman, maybe, or Batman. Who are you going to have a crush on?’

A divine face hovered in Jess’s imagination. She heard the dim, distant roar of a football crowd, she saw a shy smile, a cool crown of Californian blond lifeguard hair, a pair of baby blue eyes. Her heart gave an excited little jump, like a gerbil leaping for a piece of cheese.

‘It’s a secret,’ she said, smiling to herself. But she had a feeling that her secret crush on Ben Jones was bound to mutate into a full-scale melodrama in no time at all.

She just had to finish this baguette first.

Hi, guys!

Yo
u
’re so brilliant reading this and i
t
’s really cheered me up, as Fred is being a bit of a toad at the moment – not that h
e
’s covered with warts and is shooting poison out of his neck (but give him time). Sometimes I feel that yo
u
’re my only friend, especially when Flor
a
’s at orchestra practice. So please, please, do me a ginormous favour and visit my fabulous, dazzling, low
-
calorie, high
-
energy website –
www.JessJordan.co.uk
!!!!

I
’m going to be blogging away (I wrote glogging by accident at first and I kind of like it, so I might be glogging too) and I can promise you loads of laughs, polls, quizzes, interactive stuff, downloadable goodies, plus sensational secrets that Fred, Flora, Ben, Mackenzie and Jodie have begged me to never reveal! Do
n
’t tell them I sent you – and promise yo
u
’ll be there!

Love,

Jess!

Jess Jordan’s Top Tips on Writing Charismatic and Charming Letters

Emails and texts are all very well, but you ca
n
’t beat a letter handwritten in golden ink on scented paper, sealed with a loving kiss (or, if you prefer, a kick). Her
e
’s how to get started!

For more top tips from Jess, visit
www.JessJordan.co.uk

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Charming But Insane

Chapter 1