Girl, 15: Flirting for England (10 page)

‘Why two?’ asked Flora.

‘One for me and one for Edouard. I’m not sharing with him! He gives me the creeps.’

‘I think he’s rather sweet,’ said Flora. ‘I like short guys anyway. They’re less threatening.’

They were now slightly late for English and had to run. At the corner by the gym, they bumped into the history teacher, Miss Dingle (known as Dingbat, obviously).

‘Jess Jordan!’ she cried, and Jess skidded to a halt. ‘Where’s that essay you owe me about King James and the Rise of Puritanism?’

Jess wondered, fleetingly, why she was always the one to get into trouble. It was going to be one of those days.

Chapter 13

Jess ended up with some extra history homework as well as the King James essay, thanks to Miss Dingle’s mood.

‘Although,’ said Jess as they packed up their bags at the end of the day, ‘I’d almost rather do extra homework than have to spend time with my little friend from across the sea.’

‘I’m really lucky,’ admitted Flora. ‘Marie-Louise speaks better English than I do. If I was alone with somebody shy and speechless like Edouard, I’d totally freak out.’

At this point the French gang arrived. Gerard, Jodie’s partner, was wearing shades and he strolled up to Jess and Flora.

‘’Ave you seen Jodie?’ he asked.

‘She’ll be here in a minute,’ said Flora. ‘Have you had a good day?’

Gerard shrugged and sort of pouted, as if to suggest that his first day in England had been not particularly wonderful. Tolerable, maybe.

‘
Bof?!
’ he said. Or something similar.

‘Couldn’t agree more,’ said Jess. ‘My day was totally
bof
as well.’

Gerard took off his shades, looked at Jess for a moment and grinned slowly.

‘You are phoney,’ he said in a drawly sort of voice. His green eyes smouldered.

‘You may be right about that,’ said Jess, half to herself. ‘But don’t tell anybody.’ Presumably he meant
funny
. She hoped so, anyway.

Jodie rushed in looking panicky that her precious Gerard was daring to talk to other girls. He gave Jodie a very seductive welcoming smile. She blushed so hard that, for a moment, all her spots disappeared.

‘Come on, Gerard!’ she said. ‘My mum will be waiting – oh, by the way,’ she added, in a kind of public announcement sort of voice, ‘I’ll sort out the camping trip with my auntie Rose, no problem.’ There was a cheer.

Jodie’s certainly Queen Bee at the moment,
thought Jess.

Marie-Louise bustled up to Flora. ‘Oh, I ’ave ’ad such a simply wonderful day!’ she said. ‘Madame Lamentin show us a video about British ’istory. Ze Middle Ages. I love zis! Tomorrow we are going to Oxford. I am so ’appy!’

Bless her
, thought Jess.
Fancy getting excited about the Middle Ages. Maybe it’s because she’s so middle-aged.

Flora and Marie-Louise went off home, and moments later Jess was wishing that she could have had a partner like that. Edouard crept towards her, staring sadly at the floor as if he was too embarrassed to look her in the eye. His crush – if he’d ever had one – was certainly crushed.

‘We’re going to walk home,’ she said. ‘It’s not far.’

Edouard nodded seriously. Jess’s heart sank. Then, suddenly, Fred appeared, grinning.

‘Hi, Ed!’ he said, slapping Edouard affectionately on the back. Edouard produced a shy smile. ‘How’s it going?’ said Fred. ‘Do you fancy being engaged to Jess for a bit? I’m bored with it already.’

‘He can’t understand that much English,’ said Jess, laughing. Edouard laughed, too, and shrugged.

‘Jess – dog,’ said Fred, making a barking sound. Edouard laughed.

‘Fred – pig!’ said Jess, snorting piggishly. Edouard laughed again.

‘What Edouard?’ asked Fred. Edouard paused for thought.

‘Edouard – snake!’ said Edouard eventually, and gave a brief and rather surprising hiss.

‘Laugh? We nearly did!’ said Fred. ‘I’ll walk you both home, as long as I don’t have to hold hands with you. I’d rather hold hands with your friend.’

‘Honestly! You’re all over me all the time,’ said Jess. ‘Keep your distance, can’t you, Parsons? And by the way, Mum and I usually refer to you-know-who as the Queen.’

They set off, and immediately it became awkward. There was only room for two people to walk side by side on the pavement. Edouard immediately dropped back behind Jess and Fred.

‘This is awful,’ said Jess. ‘The Queen seems kind of sad and neglected.’ She stopped and turned. Edouard, who had been looking at the ground, bumped into her and his glasses went crooked.

‘Sorry,’ said Jess.

‘Sorry,’ said Edouard, blushing.

‘Fred wants to talk to you about something,’ said Jess, indicating that Edouard ought to walk in front in a boys-bonding kind of way.

‘Er – what was it I wanted to talk to him about, again?’ said Fred.

‘Oh, you’ll think of something,’ said Jess.

‘What sort of music do you like, Ed?’ asked Fred. Edouard looked panicky – even from behind.

‘
La musique
,’ said Fred. ‘Gangsta rap? Indie rock? Beethoven?’

Eventually Edouard realised what Fred was talking about, and joined in. At one point Fred looked over his shoulder and said, ‘Ed and I share a passion for Fat Chance.’

‘Excellent!’ said Jess. ‘Keep up the good work!’

It was so much easier getting through half an hour with Edouard if somebody else was there. She prayed that her mum would be home already when they got back.

But Mum’s car wasn’t parked outside as usual. Maybe there had been some kind of hold-up at the library.

‘Please, please, don’t leave me alone with the Queen,’ she begged, as she unlocked the front door. Fred was loitering by the gate. He began to put on his I’m-off-now face. ‘He’ll try it on with me the moment you’re back’s turned,’ said Jess, at speed. ‘As my fiancé, you should be a tad more possessive.’

Fred gave a charming, treacherous smile, shrugged his shoulders and backed away.

‘So much homework,’ he said. ‘So little time . . .’ Then, abruptly, he blew her a sarcastic kiss and ran off.

Jess heaved a deep sigh and turned to face Edouard. This time there was no escape.

Chapter 14

There was a note on the hall table. Edouard hesitated for a moment, then ran upstairs. Jess heard his bedroom door close as she read the message from Mum.

Jess,
I
’m sorry, but I wo
n
’t be home till very late today – probably about midnight.
I
’ve had to go off to Grann
y
’s. Nothing to worry about.
I
’ve just got to go and check on something. Ther
e
’s a pizza in the freezer and some ice cream. Sorry to leave you in the lurch on Edouar
d
’s first evening, but
I
’m sure yo
u
’ll cope.

Jess slammed the note down in total disgust. What on earth was this Granny crisis? If it wasn’t serious or anything to worry about, why had Mum dashed off on a long journey just like that? It took nearly two hours to get to Granny’s. Jess’s stomach seemed to writhe inside her like a living snake.

She went to the fridge and got herself a glass of juice. Maybe she should get Edouard one. Suddenly she heard him come out of his room, and she braced herself. Oh no! What if he said something? In French? If only she had paid attention in French lessons instead of dreaming and doodling.

Phew! What a relief! Edouard went into the bathroom and locked the door. But wait! What if he was ill or something? What could be worse than having to be sick in a foreign language? Or having diarrhoea and knowing the host family could hear your groans? Jess flew to the TV and turned it on very loud. She found
The Simpsons.
It blotted out all other sounds. Jess tried to sit and watch it for a while, but she couldn’t concentrate. Even the cleverest and funniest TV programme in the world couldn’t distract her from her massive ordeal – a French boy upstairs.

After a while, she heard Edouard trying to flush the loo again. Oh no! They hadn’t had time to show him how to do it yet. There hadn’t been a spare moment to fix up a tactful little sign: PLEASE TAKE A RUNNING JUMP AND HURL YOURSELF BODILY ON TO THE LOO HANDLE.
Please take a running jump anyway,
thought Jess.

Edouard went on cranking away for ages like some kind of demented piece of farm machinery. Jess turned the TV sound up even more and stuffed her fingers in her ears. Eventually, she sensed movements above and heard Edouard go back into his room and shut the door.

Part of her wanted him to stay there for the rest of eternity. But part of her wanted him to come bounding cheerfully downstairs and say, ‘Right, babe, what’s for supper? Get that grub on the table, gal!’ (in a French accent, of course). However, right now it seemed that the former of these two possibilities was more likely than the latter. Would Edouard and Jess ever commit communication? She doubted it.

Jess stared blankly at
The Simpsons
for a while, her mind racing. Then she began to tune into it and enjoy it. Time passed. After a short eternity of entertainment, she became uneasily aware that Edouard had still not come downstairs. She wondered if he ever would. Much as she dreaded his coming downstairs, if he didn’t she would be in big trouble. He had to eat. What if he died of starvation? It would be in the papers and everything. Her mum might even go to prison.