Ghosts of Winters Past (2 page)

****

Living on the edge of society as she had for the last five years, Emma had not been on a carriage ride with any single man. Though she told herself over and over it was just a ride, the truth was it
was
a ride and it was a ride with Henry. Henry, who for all her statements to the contrary, still held a special place in her heart.

She dressed in her warmest pelisse, of a periwinkle color she liked to think matched the blue in her eyes. Peering out the upstairs window, she sighed. Likely as not, Henry wanted to explain his side of the story, to unburden his heart. She steeled herself for it, mentally repeating that she was happy in her station.

In the distance she saw the Salle carriage approaching. Henry looked particularly handsome. Breathtakingly
handsome,
if she was honest with herself. She closed her eyes and leaned her forehead against the cool window. What was she doing? Why had she agreed to open a wound thought long since healed?

One day, she told herself, it was only one day. A few hours. Then he would be gone. Forever this time.

She strolled down the stairs.

“Lady Emmaline,” Henry said with a bow when she appeared. “You look divine.”

She curtsied. “Your words are particularly sugary today,
y
our
g
race. Any more so and I fear I would faint of their sweetness.”

“You wound me.” He clutched his heart. “Right here.”

She took her gloves from a side table and pulled them on. “From what I heard of your exploits on the Continent, most women were overtaken with your fine words.”

He held out his arm and she took it with a cautious hand. How strange to be touching him. Even now, after all this time, her belly fluttered at his nearness.

I’m not sure I can do this.

She glanced at him and saw he appeared unaffected by her touch. Very well, two could go at that. But her stomach continued to flutter, even as he helped her into the carriage. He went about checking the foot warmer and adjusting the blankets around them.

“Are you warm enough?” he asked.

How could she not be with him so near? She tried to look bored. “Yes,
y
our
g
race. I’m quite comfortable.”

A look of irritation crossed his face but was quickly replaced with his typical easy smile. “Good to hear. Let me know if you get cold.” With that
,
he gave a click of his tongue and a snap of the reins.

They drove to the park. Henry waved to passing couples,
presumably
also out for a midday drive. Emma sat stiffly. She knew, with Henry by her side, that society would welcome her. But once he left, she would go back to being invisible.
It would be for the best if she didn’t grow accustomed to receiving anyone’s approval.

The events of years past were like a wall between them, keeping them separate. Though he sat next to her, he
might
as well still be on the Continent. Yet he had been the one to ask her on a ride, so she would wait for him to make the first move at knocking the wall down.

It didn’t take long for him to try.

“Emma,” he said when they had driven past the park’s center. “My actions toward you were wrong all those years ago. I acted irresponsibly, not thinking what the result would be for you.”

She couldn’t stand to look at him while he said such things. Instead, she focused her attention on the evergreens, the other carriages out, anything but him. “I told you, I am content.”

“You deserve more than mere contentment.”

She shrugged, but doubted the movement noticeable with the bulk of her outfit. “I am better off than many in my position.”

It was nothing more than what she'd told herself numerous times over the last five years. Why did the words sound empty when she said them to him?

“Let me improve your position. Marry me, Emma.”

The shock of his suggestion caused her to forget the passing evergreens and swing her head to him. “What?”

His smile appeared genuine. “Allow me to do what I should have done years ago. Marry me, Emma.”

It was possibly the very last thing she expected him to say. For two years after he
’d
left, she
had
imagined him saying those very words. She
’d
dreamed of him coming back to rescue her, to redeem her in the eyes of society. He would marry her, she would become a duchess, and together they would show the
ton
she was worthy.

Little by little, though, those dreams had died. Slipped away, packed in the attic space of her mind, and never cast again into the bright light of day.

So, unlike her dreams, she answered, “No.”

“Emma, please.”

“Don’t ‘please’ me,
y
our
g
race –”

“Stop ‘
y
our
g
racing’ me."

“No. It’s your title and the accepted way to address you. I will not marry you just so you can feel better about yourself. I deserve better. As do you.” Her words sounded weak to her ears
. S
he hoped they sounded more determined to him.

He pulled the horses to a stop. They were at the far end of the park. Not in the direct line of traffic, but not secluded either.

He searched her eyes. “I remember a girl who used to call me Henry. Where is that girl?”

She
couldn’t endure the scrutiny. Not from him.
Emma
turned her head
away. “She no longer exists. She is ruined. An outcast.”

“Emma,” his voice was soft and pleading.

She blinked against the hot tears filling her eyes. “She heard you had a delightful time on the Continent and hopes your exploits were worth the price of her rightful future.”

“Emma, look at me.” He placed a hand on her shoulder and gently turned her to face him. “I was wrong. I was foolish and irresponsible. I hurt you and your family. Not a day went by I didn’t hate myself for what I did to you.”

Her heart threatened to soften, but she held firm. “And yet you only returned when your father died and you had a dukedom to inherit.”

“I was a coward. But I am ready to face my mistakes. To try and correct
them,
if you will allow it.”

He was always too charming for his own good. To have that on top of being wealthy and good looking left a girl with no defenses. She felt her own start to crumble.

“Why?” she asked. “You could have any number of eligible girls. Why me?”

“Because you are the only one who knew me when I stood knee high and wore gowns.”

“That is a poor excuse.”

“I would say more, but I
don’t
want to be accused of sugary words again.”

This time, she was the one searching his eyes. “I’m not agreeing to marry you.” She wasn’t ready for that, wasn’t sure if she would ever be ready for that. Not after all this time. “I am a spinster and
,
until you showed up, a content one.”

“Shall we agree to a courtship?”

“I’m not sure I’m ready for that either, but you may call on me.”

“I’ll win you over yet, Emma.”

With a playful tilt of her head, she smiled back at him. “I’m a most stubborn woman,
y
our
g
race.”

“Henry.”

A raised eyebrow was the only answer she gave him.

****

Sitting alone in the drawing room,
Emma did her best to swallow her disappointment when Henry didn’t call on her the next morning. It was hard though, when he
had
said so much of what she wanted to hear the day before. Her resolve not to let his words
a
ffect her had lasted until she was alone
t
hat
night, where she replayed them over and over. She told herself even if nothing came of his words, she would be content to recall the look in his eyes when he spoke them.

In the harsh light of day, she knew her fallacy. Recalling what he said and his expression weren’t enough. She wanted them to be true, wanted him to court her, to ease the pain his abandonment had caused.

She should have known better than to believe him, she decided,
picking up
her bonnet. How simple
-
minded could she be to have believed a man who
had
left her for five years and suddenly showed up and asked to court her? Perhaps it was a joke or bet. Well, the joke was on him. Let him see how funny everything was when she refused him.

For the moment,
though,
she had other things to think about. The children of St. Mary’s Orphanage waited
for
her.

The orphanage looked like a large townhouse from the outside. Run by two widowed women, it was one of the few places she could go where people didn’t find fault in her. Society no longer welcomed her, but the handful of destitute children anticipated her weekly visit.

The curtains on the front window were pulled back, but fell into place as her carriage arrived.

She heard the children yelling before she made it to the door. “She’s here! She’s here!”

A waifish
girl
around eight or nine opened the door and bounced to her. “Lady Emma, you’re here! What book did you bring? Are you reading today?”

“Good afternoon to you too, Justine,” Emma said, hanging her coat up. “I brought
Gulliver’s Travels
today. Why don’t you gather everyone
,
and I’ll go say hello to Mrs. Jameson.”

Justine scampered off with a hoot. Emma shook her head and made her way to the kitchen where she felt certain she’d find Laura Jameson, co-founder of the orphanage.

As anticipated, the young widow was in the kitchen kneading dough. She looked up at Emma’s entrance.

“Lady Emmaline,” she said. No matter how many times Emma insisted Laura call her Emma, it was always Lady Emmaline. “Come have a seat and tell me about this duke of yours.”

Never one to mince words, Laura always spoke exactly what was on her mind. Emma resolved herself to the questions sure to come. She shouldn’t have been surprised word of Henry’s visit had spread so far and so fast, but she was.

Emma took a seat on the nearby bench. “He’s not my duke. I may have thought he was some years ago, but he’s not. Won’t ever be.”

Laura glanced up from her dough. “He’s the one who…”

Emma nodded.

“That certainly explains the gossip then.”

The kitchen went quiet, but unlike other places, the quiet of the orphanage’s kitchen was comforting. Perhaps it was the fire, or Laura’s welcoming nature, or even the yeasty smell that always hung around. For certain it was the ever-present laughter of nearby children. Emma wasn’t sure, probably it was the combination.

“I wanted so badly for him to be mine,” she whispered. “Even after all this time. I’m such a fool.”

Laura wiped her hands on her apron front and sat beside her. “We’re all fools in love. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. Did he explain himself on the carriage ride?”

Laura had always insisted Henry had a reason for running off and leaving her. Emma wanted desperately to believe her.

Henry’s face from the day before sprung to her mind, causing her to feel excited and sad at the same time. “Not in so many words. He apologized. Said he was young and foolish. A coward. I wish he’d never come back.”

Laura rubbed her back. “No you don’t. It’s better he came home and the two of you talk through what happened.”

“Everything was fine the way it was. He came back and ruined it all.”

“Everything was not fine. You’ve been living behind a glass window these last five years. His
g
race is forcing you to step outside. It’s only painful because it’s new.”

“It’s his fault I’m there in the first place.”

Laura’s voice took on the unyielding tone she used when one of the boys was caught putting frogs in the girls’ bedroom. “Lady Emmaline, look at me. Now you know I’m one to say it as I see it, but I’ve bitten my tongue for years on this. He might have put you there behind the window, but it’s your own doing that you remained there.”

Emma’s mouth dropped open.

Laura held up a hand. “Let me finish. You’re the daughter of an earl. A well-off earl. Sure there was scandal when it came out about you and
h
is
g
race, but if you had stood your ground and not hidden behind those stone walls of your estate, the
ton
would have moved on. By remaining hidden from society, you made your own future.”

Emma tossed her head and straightened her shoulders. “You couldn’t be more wrong.”

Laura patted her hand. “Truth is hard to hear, but even harder to see. I hear the children
. W
hy don’t you go read
,
and I’ll finish up this bread
?”

Emma forced Laura’s words to the back of her mind to think on later. For the next few hours, she would read and play with the orphans. It was her most favorite part of the week
,
and she would not allow thoughts of Henry to ruin it for her.

So engrossed was she in reading, she didn’t hear him enter the house. It was only when she finished a chapter and one of the boys
asked
, “Who
’
s that?” that she glanced up and saw him. Henry. In the orphanage. Watching her read to the children.

He looked striking in his well-tailored suit, his blond hair just peeking out from under his hat. He was overwhelmingly male in the midst of the children.

They all stared as if he was some unknown creature from one of the faraway lands they’d just read about.

Henry strolled into the middle of the room, immune to the open-mouth stares from the children. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to interrupt. I came by to drop off some old toys I found and got caught up in Gulliver.”

Emma barely heard the Gulliver part. Once Henry said
“
toys
,
”
the boys and girls created such a
rumpus
, Laura came in to see what was happening. Bess, the other widow in charge of the home, stood behind him, her hands clasped together.

The children crowded around Henry, asking questions.

“Do you live in a castle?”

“Are the horses outside yours?”

“Have you ever fought in a duel?”

Emma walked to Laura and Bess. “What is he doing here?”

She couldn’t decide how she felt about him showing up at the orphanage. It was nice to see him, but what was he doing? Why was he at the orphanage of all places?

“Bess,” Laura said, with a sharp look to the woman at her side. “Please, do tell.”

Bess’s smile covered her entire face and her eyes sparkled in a way Emma had never seen. She looked ten years younger. “His
g
race’s man came by yesterday. While you were at the market, Laura. Said
h
is
g
race had discovered some toys and could we make use of them
.
I didn’t know he would bring them by himself.”

Emma left the two women discussing whether or not Bess knew Henry would bring the toys by himself. Slipping past the mass of children surrounding him, she stood before him with hands on her hips.

“Did you know I would be here today?”

He bowed. “Lady Emmaline, what a pleasant surprise to find you here.”

His face showed no inclination one way or the other. Still, what would be the odds he just happened to show up at the orphanage on the one day of the week she would be there?

Belatedly, she made note of the many small eyes watching her. She wasn’t being a very good example.

She curtsied. “Pardon me,
y
our
g
race. How delightful to see you again.”

Henry smiled at the children still staring at him. “Do you know where I can find some strong young men to carry in the packages from my carriage?”

Half a dozen hands shot up in the air and he laughed.

“
Al
l of you, outside.”

Laura followed the boys
,
and Bess took the girls to wait in the foyer.

When everyone had left and the room was silent, Henry turned to Emma. “Yes, I knew you would be here today.”

“I was also at home this morning.”

All at once, his expression grew serious. “It was either call upon you at your house this morning or meet you here. And I’ll have you know, I would bypass a thousand morning calls to watch you read to orphans.”

She was not used to such flattery anymore. The life of a resigned spinster made no allowances to even imagine being talked to in such a manner again. Her face heated and she hated that Henry knew his words affected her so.

His voice was low and soft. “You can put on the cold, cynical mask and fool half the
ton
, but I just witnessed your true self. I hurt you all those years ago, but some spark of the girl you once were remains.”

Why was he doing this to her? Could she believe his words this time? If she allowed herself to fall in love, would he stay? He was working hard to bring her walls down
. S
he just wasn’t sure she was ready to allow it.

With a resolve she didn’t completely feel, she met his eyes. “I happen to hold a soft spot for the parentless,
y
our
g
race. You would be wise not to place too much weight on one afternoon.”

He looked at her with those even, blue-green eyes
,
and she knew she hadn’t fooled him. She’d forgotten how well he used to know her. The truth was, she hadn’t changed all that much. Not on the inside. Not where it mattered.

And not where it concerned him, but he couldn’t know that yet.

He opened his mouth to say something, but was interrupted by Bess bursting into the room.

“Your
g
race! So much you brought. Why we shall
—
” She stopped when she saw them.

“Bess?” Emma asked.

“Sorry,
y
our
g
race. Sorry, Lady Emmaline. I didn’t intend to interrupt.”

Henry swooped to Bess’s side. “No need to apologize. Lady Emmaline and I were just conversing. Have the children removed everything from the carriage?”

“Yes, though I believe one of our younger charges is still outside talking with your horses.”

“I remember the fascination well.” He bowed to Emma. “Good day, my lady.”

“Your
g
race.”

Emma found that she couldn’t help herself. After he left the room, she walked to the front windows to watch him. He ruffled the hair of the young boy talking to his horses. The little boy nodded
,
and Henry bent down to his level, speaking something.

So intent was she on the interaction between the wealthy duke and the penniless orphan, she jumped when Laura spoke.

“He’s a fine young man.”

Gathering herself back together, she feigned indifference. “I suppose so. If you fancy the wealthy, blond
,
aristocratic type.”

“You don’t?”

She didn’t speak. She didn’t want to lie.

“That’s what I thought,” Laura said, with more satisfaction in her voice than Emma liked.