Get Zombie: 8-Book Set (31 page)

During dinner, DO NOT
appear depressed. At this point, it will only begin to annoy your
love interest and bore them. Instead, tell jokes. Laugh at their
jokes. Always remember to chew and laugh with your mouth closed. If
you forget and a piece of food shoots out, do not pick it up and eat
it. Chances are she’ll be watching, even if it looks like she’s
not.

Only after dinner,
when you are about to exit their dwelling, are you allowed to kiss
her/him.

Begin by hugging her
and saying goodbye, but this time – unlike all the other times
– hold her a few seconds longer. Sensually caress her cheek
with your own. Now slowly bring your mouth across her cheek, toward
her lips, but do not touch lip!

Peek to see if her
eyes are closed in a sexy way. If they are, this is good news. Close
your eyes again.

Wait for her mouth to
touch yours.

This will tell you
that Yes, I am ready for us to be a couple, and Yes, I am ready for
us to touch our life-inventing regions. The first time you have sex
with a new partner, your heart will race. This is normal and
understandable. Your skin may also sweat. This is an exciting time
for you. Be sure to give her an orgasm before your own. Do not be
greedy. If she is experiencing trouble having one, it is not your
fault as a man or woman.

The Female Orgasm

There are many
reasons why women sometimes find it difficult to achieve an orgasm.
It could be because of stress, past sexual trauma, or even a lover
that is not considering her needs. The woman must give herself an
orgasm. She must to be in the right state of mind. She must be
relaxed. She must be confident. She must let go. The male cannot
force her to have an orgasm. It will only complicate the process
further. His role in her sexual development is still an important
one: That of Supporter.

He is advised to tell
her that everything is okay, and that she is very beautiful. The male
should hold her and kiss her and say that watching her masturbate is
arousing.

Stimulation of the
Clitoris is most helpful.

Be gentle and an
explorer. Ask her if she enjoys what you are doing with your mouth.
If she says ‘No’, stop what you are doing straight away
and ask what she would like. The important lesson here is to maintain
a clear line of communication – to learn from each other rather
than assuming. This is a sign of a healthy relationship – a
sign of trust. Remember to stimulate the entire vagina. When she is
ready – when the vaginal walls are moist enough or she simply
tells you so – enter with your penis or fingers. When using the
penis, concentrate on the first 2 inches of her vagina, where the
nerve endings are located. Enter slowly and move like the ocean –
or like a snake.

Make love like a
lesbian.

Notify that it feels
good being inside of her. If using your hand use the first two
fingers, palm-up. Massage her G-Spot, her Good Spot, located on top
of the vaginal wall 1-3 inches in. You should feel a raised lump of
skin. Massage this bump in tiny, circular motions. Check her face
every now and then to see if it is working. If she is asleep or mad,
stop immediately and ask what you can do to sexually stimulate her.
If she is relaxed enough and the male or female companion has done
their part, she will be ready to have an orgasm. If this is her first
experience, she may feel pressure in her stomach and ask to use the
restroom to urinate. This is quite healthy and sane. What she is
feeling is the growing orgasm, ready to be freed.

Hold her and comfort
her. Inform her that she must push out her orgasm. When the orgasm is
unleashed, it will sometimes come out in a thrilling gush and run a
riot, lasting anywhere from 1 to 10 seconds. She might start
convulsing and clawing at the air. As her Supporter, you are to
embrace her and kiss her even if she doesn’t notice you.

For many women, there
will be no liquid of any kind. This is normal and no reason to worry.
The intense feeling of sexual pleasure will accompany any orgasm.
Continue to make love to her and stimulate her clitoris. Multiple
orgasms are possible and recommended.

Creating your very own Zombie Storage Facility

Tools &
Necessities

In making your Zombie
Storage Facility (ZSF), ask yourself this important question: Do I
have a basement or an attic? (If not, a closet will suffice.)

First, tie down your
zombie so you can begin building your ZSF. You will need these tools
and supplies:

1. Hammer

2. Nails

3. Gloves

4. Hardhat

5. Mouthpiece

6. Work shoes
(steel-toe)

7. Hose

8. Metal sheet

9. Lumber

10. Large bucket

11. Rocking chair

12. Pump (manually
operated)

Begin by creating the
walls of your ZSF with the sheets of metal, supported by lumber.
Create a door for easy access. Roof is not necessary. Make a small
window. Cut a hole in the bottom of the rocking chair and place it in
the center of the ZSF. Lay the bucket underneath the rocking chair.
Put the hose into the bucket. Attach end of hose to pump, which is
connected to another hose going out the attic/basement/closet window
onto the backyard.

This will be your
zombie toilet. If the backyard neighbors complain about the
heartbreaking smell, explain that your mum is sick. With your
creature still bound, attach it to the rocking chair by nailing its
legs down. Exit ZSF and bolt the door shut. It is now safe to begin
whatever tests you have planned.

Record zombie’s
habits hourly into a log. Also remember to feed your zombie and to
bathe it with lukewarm water.

PART THREE

Benefits

The Zombie Employee

The zombie can be
utilized in a variety of ways, from house cleaning to security. You
will find that they are most efficient and inexpensive in today’s
overcrowded workforce.

Maids

With slight
modifications, you can turn your zombie into a vehicle capable of
performing an array of cleaning chores. To clean floors, tie the
zombie’s arms and legs together, and wrap it in inside-out
tape. Lay zombie on the floor. They will roll instantly, trying to
break free, and clean your carpet of dirt, lint, various animal
droppings, hairs, ticks, and particles of dead skin – which
make up the volume of dust found throughout all homes.

When done, the
unwanted mess will be stuck to the tape encasing your zombie. To
temporarily stun the zombie, hit it over the head with a shovel.
Untie the zombie. Throw the used tape away. To clean windows, bind
the zombie with ropes from neck to toe so they find complexity in
moving. Leave the head free. Create a window-cleaning helmet by
attaching rags and toothbrushes to a football helmet. Situate the
device over the zombie’s head and stand it next to the desired
window to be cleaned.

The zombie will
struggle to be free and move its head (cleaning helmet) about wildly;
therefore, also cleaning the window. To reach those hard-to-get-to
places, pick your zombie up by the feet – an excellent way of
also working your obliques and getting rid of those pesky ceiling
spiders!

Personal Bather

To create a personal
bather, attach a chain from your zombie’s neck to the bathroom
wall or doorknob. Put large sponges in its hands (it will grip them
immediately and not let go). Take off your clothing and bathe
naturally. Lather your entire body with your favorite cleansing
product. When you are ready to be scrubbed, stand close enough to the
zombie so it reaches out to you, eager to grab and eat you.

Unknowingly, it will
instead scrub you clean.

Also useful for
toweling your head dry.

Security Guards

Zombies make for
excellent guards – with their keen eyesight and hearing and
distinct verbal alarm.

Dress the zombie up
in black and tie it to the desired post. When you are going out late
at night and would like to protect your house from burglars, suspend
your zombie in the air above the front door or any window. When the
door or window opens, have a device drop the zombie onto the burglar
and kill them.

Be sure to starve
your zombie. This way, it will eat the burglar, therefore not
allowing zombie reanimation.

When you come home,
you can subdue your zombie by shocking it with a cattle prod and
waving your finger at it.

On Selling

Where To Sell Your
Zombie

The hunter can make a
sizable profit by selling his zombie. There are many zombie markets –
called Fulci’s – all over the globe. Here the buyer can
sell their zombie, trade their zombie, find attachable zombie limbs,
whole zombies, zombie heads, frozen zombies, dried zombies, zombie
intestines, liquefied zombies, baby zombies, animal zombies, etc. The
first and most popular Fulci is located in Honolulu, Hawaii’s
China Town district, on King St. Like most Fulci’s, it runs as
a different service during the day – in this case, a fish
market – but come nightfall, at 1am, the undead bazaar is open
for business.

A variety of
languages populate Fulci’s – there are Chinese sellers,
American sellers, Italian, French, Samoan, Hawaiian, German, Russian,
Caribbean, even Japanese.

Before selling your
zombie, be sure to bathe the creature thoroughly. Don’t forget
to soap commonly neglected places, such as behind the ears and
between the legs. Brush the zombie’s teeth. If zombie is void
of teeth, put some inside its mouth. Dress it in clean clothing,
preferably a business suit with matching tie (clip-on ties are NOT
acceptable) and create a Windsor Knot.

Be sure to put your
zombie on a leash, preferably one made of chains or industrial wire.

What is a good
set-price?

As a Seller, use good
judgment when pricing. What is the quality of your zombie? If it is
in excellent condition, consider a selling price of $25,000. If your
zombie is missing parts, or is nauseous, put a price of $500. Parade
your product to the various shops. There will be shop owners who will
try to purchase your zombie for a lower price. Stand your ground and
repeat your asking price. If they do not agree with your demand, move
on to the next store.

Consider these price
ranges when you are also buying from zombie sellers.

Numerous merchants
will try – desperately – to pass damaged goods off as
quality products and charge ridiculously high prices.

The Smart Buyer or
How not to get scammed

A newcomer’s
first experience in a Fulci can be quite frightening. The first thing
they will notice is the heavy smell of lemon. This is sprayed
throughout the market before opening hours to cover the inevitable
zombie stench. There will be loud, foreign voices shouting at him,
wanting him to purchase items from their stands. There will be weird
sights, such as rows of twitching, cooked-to-a-golden-brown fetal
zombies on hooks; yawning zombie heads on conveyer belts; severed,
shaking limbs behind glass; and various other meat displays.

The newcomer will
also find sampling stations.

It is advised that
you DO NOT put anything you find at a Fulci into your mouth. Many
vendors wish to drug you and take advantage of you. This can be for
two reasons: The vendor wishes to steal your wallet when you have
collapsed, or, even worse, they wish to kill you and turn YOU into a
zombie in order to make a tidy profit.

As you explore this
fascinating place, be sure to keep your zombie close to you at all
times.

If you find a product
that you wish to purchase, use an eye of scrutiny. Is the product
damaged? Upon further examination, does it smell creepy? Will the
vendor even allow you to touch said product? Feel free to ask the
seller a multitude of questions – How long have they been
selling? Have they ever been convicted of a crime? Do they have
friends in the market who are also sellers, and if so, may you speak
to them?

If you find the price
for something peculiar – for example, a female zombie head that
costs $600 when another shop sells a similar head for $100 – it
is advised that you do not purchase the head or anything else from
that shop.

Also, use good
buying-sense. Do you really want that zombie’s back that costs
$1000? When you could buy thirty bundles of 3 zombie thighs for the
same price? A growing, popular item at the market is the zombie
fetus, which retails anywhere from $9,000 to $30,000! Ask yourself
what you can do with it that you CANNOT do with a cheaper adult
zombie? The Fulci is a place of business, and like any business,
there are dishonest people who will do whatever possible to rob you
of your hard-earned money.

Talk to trusted
wholesalers and become familiar with the politics of the zombie
bazaar. The more knowledgeable and shrewd you become toward the
zombie market, the harder it will be for dishonest sellers to rip you
off – and the better the odds of you purchasing a quality
product.

Happy shopping!

APPENDIX

Zombie Transformation Agencies

“Thanks
to the wonderful people at ZT (Zombie Tsunami), I’m now a size
1 again! That, and I can now eat my own filth. Mmm, tastes like math!
Thanks ZT!”

-Janey
Hunter, unemployed

The only way to
become a zombie is to be bitten by one. There is no other way –
scientifically or magically. Beware of organizations that make false
promises of transforming you into a zombie. They have been known to
fool the client, or prey, by simply getting them drunk and/or hitting
them over the head repeatedly to induce a zombie-like state of mind.
If an organization does indeed house a zombie, please reconsider
becoming one. The life of the walking dead is one of eternal hunger
and, even worse, depression.