Get Smart 7 - Max Smart - The Spy Who Went Out to the Cold (2 page)

“Very—almost weightless,” the Chief replied.

“That
is
a problem,” Max nodded. “When they try to pour it into the fuel tank, it’ll probably float away, eh? Have they tried chaining it down, Chief?”

“Max, that is not the problem. They
want
it to be lightweight.”

Max shrugged. “Okay. If they want rocket fuel floating around all over the place, I suppose we taxpayers will have to go along with it. But who’s going to pay for the fuel that floats away? I’ll tell you who, Chief—the taxpayers.”

The Chief put a hand over his eyes. “Max, will you forget about floating fuel and just listen?”

“Sorry, Chief. I won’t say another word. It’s the taxpayer’s lot to suffer in silence.”

“As I was saying,” the Chief continued, “Professor von BOOM has developed a lightweight rocket fuel. But, it still has some bugs in it. He—”

“Heavy bugs, Chief? Heavy enough to hold it down? We taxpayers appreciate any little break we can get.”

“Max!”

“Sorry again, Chief.”

“The fuel is not quite perfected,” the Chief went on. “The Professor has to add the finishing touches, and, to do that, he needs absolute privacy. You see, when he’s around people, invariably someone drops one of the key words, and Professor von BOOM wanders off, forgetting about the project he’s working on. It’s a terrible time-waster. He’s been working on the project for over a year, and it should have been completed in six months.”

“Six months overtime—and at you-know-who’s expense,” Max muttered.

“What’s the solution, Chief?” 99 asked.

“The people in charge of the space program have had a specially-equipped laboratory built for the Professor at the North Pole,” the Chief replied. “It’s completely cut off from civilization. Once he’s there, he won’t be within a hundred miles of another living human being.”

“I see,” 99 said. “That’s an excellent idea.”

“I’m not so sure,” Max said. “Who is this other living human being he won’t be within a hundred miles of, Chief? Can we trust him?”

“There is no one else, Max. The Professor will be completely alone.”

“Oh. Okay—just checking. As a taxpayer, I just want to be sure the government isn’t making a mistake. If that other living human being had turned out to be a security risk—”

Professor von BOOM was on his way toward the door again.

“Max! Get him!” the Chief shouted.

Max caught the Professor and steered him back to his chair.

“Where to, Professor?” the Chief asked.

“Did someone say ‘risk?’ ” he replied. “I was on my way to get some more life insurance.”

“Remember that,” the Chief said to Max and 99. “That’s one of the words you can’t use. Now, your mission,” he continued, “as you’ve probably guessed, is to get the Professor to that laboratory at the North Pole.”

“How will we know where it is, Chief?” 99 asked.

“99, that’s a silly question,” Max interjected. “Anybody could recognize the North Pole. It’s about six-feet high and it’s painted red and white, with stripes.”

“I mean the secret laboratory, Max.”

“Oh.”

“It’s about ten yards past the Pole, 99,” the Chief said. “And it’s painted white, like the snow.”

“Won’t that make it difficult to find?” 99 said.

“Nothing to it,” Max broke in. “It’ll be the snow that won’t pack, 99.”

“Yes, finding the lab—once you find the Pole—should be simple enough,” the Chief said. “Unfortunately, getting the Professor to the Pole is likely to be the major problem. First, of course, you’ll have to keep an eye on him every second, to make sure he doesn’t wander off. But . . . there’s something else. You’ll be contending with KAOS, too.”

Max turned to Professor von Boom. “They’re the Bad Guys,” he explained. “They never pay taxes, thereby putting a heavier burden on us Good Guys, who do.”

“I don’t understand, Chief,” 99 said. “What is KAOS’s interest in this?”

“99, apparently you don’t understand the value of this rocket fuel. The lighter the fuel, the greater distance we can get with our rockets. This fuel could be very important in the space race.”

“Is KAOS in the space race, Chief?” Max said, surprised.

“No, Max. But if KAOS had the formula for the fuel, it could sell it to a country that is, or a country that would like to be. You know what kind of people they are at KAOS—they’d sell the formula to the highest bidder.”

Max turned to Professor von BOOM again. “Not only the Bad Guys, but also plenty hip,” he said.

“We intercepted a secret communication to all KAOS agents,” the Chief went on. “They have orders to abduct Professor von BOOM and deliver him to KAOS headquarters. There, undoubtedly, they intend to torture him and get the formula from him. After that, they’d put it up for sale. We must avoid that
—at all costs.”

Max winced. “At
all
costs, Chief? Shouldn’t the taxpayers be consulted about a matter like that?”

“Will you just do your job, Max?”

Max shrugged. “All right, Chief . . . what exactly was it you had in mind?”

“Escorting Professor von BOOM to the North Pole, Max.”

“Oh . . . yes.” He rose. “Well, ready, Professor? We better get going.”

“Max, do you have a plan?” the Chief asked. “Remember, KAOS intends to kidnap the Professor. Our headquarters is probably surrounded by KAOS agents right now, just waiting for you and 99 and the Professor to emerge.”

Max’s eyes narrow again. “Mmmmm . . . that does call for some clever strategy, doesn’t it? Chief, I think our best bet would be to confuse the enemy.”

“Good. How, Max?”

“Well, I’m a little confused on that point right at the minute. Give me a little time to think it out. Wait a second! I think I’ve got it. Suppose we seal the Professor in a good strong box and mail him to the North Pole?”

The Chief shook his head. “Too much risk.”

Professor von BOOM got to his feet and headed for the door.

Max caught him, turned him, and guided him back to the chair. “You don’t need any more life insurance, Professor,” he assured him. “With Max Smart to look after you, you’re as safe as a one-legged pigeon on a slanted roof.”

“Max . . . that isn’t very safe,” the Chief pointed out.

“Chief, these are dangerous times. You have to take your chances. Just breathing is a risk.”

The Professor rose and strolled toward the exit.

Again, Max headed him off and steered him back to the chair.

“Max, if you don’t have a plan—” the Chief began.

“I’ve got it, Chief,” Max broke in. “How about the old wild-goose-disguised-as-a-crow trick?”

The Chief frowned. “I don’t think I know that one, Max.”

“Sorry, Chief—I meant the crow-disguised-as-a-wild-goose trick.”

“Oh . . . that.” The Chief nodded. “That might work.”

“I don’t think I’m familiar with it, Max,” 99 said.

“Well, you’ve heard the old saying, ‘as straight as the crow flies.’ And, if you’ve heard that one, you certainly recognize the term, ‘wild goose chase.’ The crow-disguised-as-a-wild-goose trick is a combination of the two. You make your pursuer think you’re going on a wild goose chase, but, actually, you’re zeroing-in on a predetermined destination, more or less as straight as the crow flies.”

“Of course,” 99 brightened. “I know that as the old flimflam trick.”

Max shook his head. “No, 99, they’re not at all alike. The old flimflam trick is nothing but a variation on the old button-button—who’s-got-the-button trick. The difference, you see—”

“Max, nevermind,” the Chief interrupted. “Just tell us what you have in mind.”

Max moved toward one of several maps that were on a wall. “As I see it,” he said, “we have two things going for us. One, we know where we’re going, but, unless KAOS has intercepted one of our communications, the KAOS agents don’t. That gives us the opportunity to lead our pursuers on a wild goose chase—and, by clever dodging, to lose them. Number two, we have the whole world to use as a playing field for our little game of hide-and-seek. Plus—let me add—the fact that our leader is an experienced world traveler who knows this planet like the palm of his hand.”

“You, Max?”

“Exactly, 99. Now, let me show you on this map precisely how we’ll proceed.” He touched a finger to a point on the map. “From here, we will travel by ocean liner to Africa.” He moved the finger to another point “That’s here. Then, by camel—”

“Max—” the Chief said.

“Just a second, Chief. I want to finish this while it’s clear in my mind. By camel,” he continued, moving his finger again, “we will cross the Sahara desert to . . . yes, to here, the Nile river.”

“Max—”

“99, will you let me finish? Where was I? Oh, yes, barging up the Nile in a houseboat. Now that, in due time, will get us to Alexandria—which is, yes, right here. From there,” he continued, moving the finger once more, “we will fly to Russia. By plane, of course.”

“Max, could I—”

“Chief, don’t leave me stranded in Russia. I don’t know the language.” Again, he moved his finger on the map. “By Trans Siberian Railway to the Pacific coast of Russia,” he said. “Then by submarine to Alaska, and, from Alaska, on to the North Pole—which is—” He tapped the finger on a point at the top of the map. “—right here. How does that sound, Chief?”

“Well done, Max. Except for one minor thing.”

“Yes?” Max frowned.

“As an experienced world traveler, who knows the planet like the palm of his hand, I would think you’d realize that that map you’re using is a map of downtown Washington, D.C.” the Chief replied.

Max peered at the map. “Mmmmm . . . I wondered why it didn’t look anything like the palm of my hand. Well . . . no matter. That’s our itinerary, Chief, and if those KAOS agents don’t get dizzy following us and drop by the wayside in short order, then my number isn’t 86.”

“It’s a good plan,” the Chief agreed. “I just hope it isn’t so confusing that it confuses you, too, Max. But, I suppose we’ll have to risk it.”

Professor von BOOM started to rise, and Max put his hands on his shoulders and pushed him back into the chair. “No problem Chief,” he said. “The whole plan is etched clearly in my mind. From here, we’ll go directly to the pier and get aboard a camel, then . . . No, let’s see—we get aboard a ship, don’t we?”

“If you have any trouble, just ask me,” Professor von BOOM said. “I made a mental note of everything you said, and I’ve got a memory like a . . . a . . . uh . . .”

“Yes, like what?” Max prodded.

“It slipped my mind.”

“Well, Max,” the Chief said, rising, “this is going to be a tough one. But, give it all you’ve got. The space program is depending on you. Keep in touch. And, anything I can do to assist you, just let me know.”

“It might not be a bad idea to spot some of our agents around the globe, Chief,” Max said. He faced the map again. “I could use one in, say, Africa, and Russia, and Alaska, and—”

“Max, I can’t do that.”

“Chief, you said ‘anything.’ ”

“I know, Max, but I also explained that all of our people are on vacation. If I started pulling them in and sending them all over the world, we’d have a morale problem.”

“I suppose you’re right, Chief,” Max conceded. “Incidentally, where are they?”

“Well, they did something a little different this year,” the Chief replied. “Each one is visiting a different country. They’re scattered all over the world.”

“Boy, would they be sore if they got called in and sent out on assignments all over the world,” Max said. “And who’d blame them?”

Professor von BOOM got up and headed toward the door.

Max caught him and directed him back to the chair. “What was the key word that time?” he asked.

“What key word?” the Professor inquired. “I thought we were ready to go.”

“We are,” Max said. “Don’t just sit there.”

Professor von BOOM got up again, and he and Max and 99 started toward the exit. At that moment, the Chief’s phone rang.

“Max—just a second; this might be something,” the Chief called.

The three halted.

The Chief picked up the phone, identified himself, then became involved in a conversation. “No, no, he’s completely sane. I can vouch for him,” he said. He covered the mouthpiece of the phone and whispered across the room to Max. “It’s about you,” he said. “It’s the beach authorities. They’re checking on you. They say you were out there in bathing tranks and wearing one brown-and-white oxford.” He spoke into the phone again. “I assure you, he’s perfectly harmless,” he said.

Max whispered back across the room to the Chief. “How did they know it was me? I’m a secret agent.”

The Chief covered the mouthpiece again. “Somebody recognized you and passed the word,” he replied to Max. With one hand, he shooed them out. “Go on—I can handle this.”

Max, 99 and Professor von BOOM departed.

“Would you believe that the brown-and-white oxford is actually a telephone?” the Chief said into the phone.

“N
OW
,” M
AX SAID
, halting outside the Chief’s office, “which way to the pier?”

“If I ever knew, I forgot,” von BOOM replied.

“Max, shouldn’t we pack a bag?” 99 said. “If we’re going to the North Pole by way of Africa and Russia and Alaska, we’ll be gone for a few days, at the very least.”

“You’re right, 99. We’ll all go home and pack a bag, then we’ll meet back here in, say, one hour. Okay?”

“Max, should we let Professor von BOOM out of our sight?”

Max looked at her hostilely. “99, before we make another move, I think we better get one thing straight. Who is in charge of this mission—you or me? Who is making the decisions?”

99 lowered her eyes sheepishly. “I’m sorry, Max—you are.”

“I’m sorry, too,” von BOOM said. “To me,
she
sounds like the one with the brains.”

Max ignored the comment. “Then, as I see it,” he said, “our best chance for making this mission a success is to keep Professor von BOOM in sight at all times. First, we’ll all go to my apartment and pack a bag. Then, 99, we’ll go to your apartment and pack a bag. And, after that, we’ll go to Professor von BOOM’s apartment and pack a bag. Any objections?”

Professor von BOOM started down the corridor toward the exit.