Get Blank (Fill in the Blank)
Read Get Blank (Fill in the Blank) Online
Authors: Justin Robinson
Tags: #occult, #mystery, #murder, #humor, #detective, #science fiction, #fiction, #fantasy, #conspiracy, #noir, #thriller
GET BLANK
JUSTIN ROBINSON
F
ILL
IN
THE
_______ S
ERIES
:
Mr Blank
Get Blank
O
THER
C
ANDLEMARK
& G
LEAM
B
OOKS
BY
J
USTIN
R
OBINSON
:
City of Devils
First edition published 2014.
Copyright © 2014 by Justin Robinson
All rights reserved.
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No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, via digital transfer, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law.
Published in the United States by Candlemark & Gleam LLC, Bennington, Vermont.
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events, locales, or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.
Or maybe that’s just what they want you to think.
ISBN: 978-1-936460-57-1
eBook ISBN: 978-1-936460-58-8
Cover art and design by Kate Sullivan
Book design and composition by Kate Sullivan
Print edition typeface: Droid Serif
Editor: Kate Sullivan
For Lauri.
you are pot roast
Table Of Contents
I’M RETIRED.
Not sure how many times I have to say that. And it’s not like I’m saying it to anyone else. Who would even believe me? At my age, there’s no way I’m rich enough to retire unless I’m some kind of internet billionaire. I’m not. I’ve checked. And there’s the fact that I still have a job, actually, just not the completely insane plethora of jobs I used to have. Only a few people know about that, and they know all about the retirement thing, too. So really, I shouldn’t have to keep saying it. But there it is, all part of the internal monologue, delivered in a weary fisherman’s cadence like so much Morgan Freeman narration. It plays in my mind every time something weird comes a-knocking at my door.
So, pretty much every other day.
I always thought my old life was all my fault. Like if I’d never answered that ad on Craigslist asking for security guards, I might have a normal life. I wouldn’t know all the things I know or have seen all the things I’ve seen. I’d live one of those lives of quiet desperation I’ve heard such good things about. I’d be married to a hot woman who hated me, I’d have two kids who hated me, and I’d have a dog who… well, he wouldn’t hate me, but he’d suspect, somewhere in the back of his canine cranium, that he could do a little better. I’d work in an office, I’d have high cholesterol, and I could die in a workplace shooting. You know, the American Dream.
Nope. Turns out I have a giant “kick me” sign on my back only legible to the homicidal, desperate, and whatever Cosmic Tricksters are manifesting themselves these days as digital deities. They can read it—hell, they can sniff it out for miles and miles—and they come to me like I’m the only Maglite blazing in an endless field of moths.
Oh, god. Why did I have to say moths? Okay, I’ll get to that, too.
I left town. Took to the roads. Pulled up stakes and cut all ties. I got the fuck out while the getting was more or less good. And it hasn’t helped. It’s like anyone who has an insurance scam on their minds, lost a piece of Templar treasure, or just had a good old-fashioned dimensional rift manifest in their backyard somehow finds me and wants to hire me to be a fall guy/track down the gold falcon/ask those tentacled abominations to keep it down because some people have work in the morning. It’s like the Collective Unconscious knows—and yeah, not only is that a real thing, it’s one of the more powerful Communist groups out there—where I am, what I’m doing, and I’m the only one who can help.
When I made a break for it, I thought the groups I’d stabbed in the back most dramatically would come looking for some payback. I could at least plan for a revenge scenario. I knew my Rogue’s Gallery. I had their numbers. I was more or less ready for one of them to say howdy. But no, it couldn’t possibly be something that straightforward. There were entirely new faces trying to draw me into some byzantine plot that no one really understands.
But it’s like I said. I’m retired.
You misplaced the Koh-i-Noor Diamond? That’s your problem, and I will not find it for ten percent of the market price or its equivalent in lead. You need someone to ambush your husband on his way home from work and make it look like an accident? I don’t care how that anklet looks on you, find a different patsy. Oh, your insurance pays double if you get eaten by an orca while on fire? I will not help you make that happen. You got a rogue Merovingian who needs drying out? I’ve got an ass that needs kissing.
It’s like I’m the Make a Wish Foundation for sociopaths.
That’s why I moved away, goddamn it. That’s my I left my city behind. Get a little peace and quiet. Stop dealing with the insanity of the true masters of the world. Unplug from the Information Underground. Stop with the errands, stop being an accessory to terrible things, stop helping horrible people run the world from the shadows. Live a life I could live with.
I tried. I really did. But the universe wasn’t done with me. Take last Tuesday. Please. (Sorry, but Tuesday really was a lousy day.) The funny—not funny ha ha, more funny uh oh, as the man said—thing about it, was I could pick almost any day. Every other day I was getting propositioned. I was like a hooker whose only clientele consisted of the criminally insane. I was at the local train station—all right, yeah, first mistake, you don’t hang out in a train station unless you want to get involved in a shootout, a fatal misunderstanding, or some light espionage. But there’s this taco stand right outside, and they do their carne asada Baja style, by which I mean it tastes like everything has been soaked in lime, and if I don’t eat there once a week, I begin to question the entire purpose of my existence. So I’m sitting on one of the benches in this tiled Spanish station, eating tacos, and listening to the tap-tap-tapping of the juice falling into the butcher paper on my lap and thinking that this was the sort of situation when someone would proclaim, “This is the life.”
Which, of course, is right when the man with the drooping eye and slouching fedora slid onto the bench next to me. He was dressed like a colorized photo of Jay Gatsby’s creepy uncle. The pencil-thin mustache alone would have prevented him from coming within a hundred yards of a school. The suit looked brand new, even though it hadn’t been in style since booze was illegal. He dropped a broken-in paper sack, really more wrinkle than bag at that point, the kind that has never once contained something wholesome, onto the bench beside us.
“Deliver it to the Pea Soup Anderson’s in Solvang. Payment is...”
“Nope,” I said.
“Huh?”
“You clearly think I’m going to take that bag to someone. Why? Did you hear that your contact would be wearing black Chuck Taylors and dripping taco juice all over the place?”
“Um... well...”
“Yeah, right. Not me. Now fuck off.”
“Look here, friend, I’ve...”
“...got a gun? That’s adorable. I’m betting whoever needs what’s in that bag—and notice how I’ve not asked what’s in there, thus demonstrating the depths of my not-giving-a-fuck?—really wants it. Enough to hire a guy who looks like he molested Al Capone to deliver it to a train station on the last stop before the Central Coast. Well, if you give it to me, I’m caught in a whole mistaken identity plot, I’ll find your body with a bullet to the head right at the end of the second act—you know, to show me how deep I’m in it—and I’ll have to come up with some kind of eleventh-hour save that puts the bad guys in prison and keeps my blood on the inside of my skin. Well, I’m not interested. Sounds like fun and all, but no thanks. I’m going to eat my taco, and then I’m getting back to work.”
“Are you...”
“Yeah, I’m sure.” I took a bite of taco. “Also, there’s a guy at the other side of the terminal who kind of looks like me if you squint really hard and maybe suffer from fetal alcohol syndrome. And he’s waving at you.”
I pointed. The other guy held out his arms with a semi-panicked, “What the hell, man?” look on his face. The guy with the mustache picked up the bag.
“If you tell anyone about this...”
“You think I want it getting out that I look like that guy?”
Pencil-Thin Mustache left me alone after that, and I went back to work, and tried not to think about whatever illicit rendezvous had gone down at lunch.
Or take the very next day when I was trying close up shop, when a woman—the kind who might as well be wearing a t-shirt proclaiming GENTLEMEN LOCK UP YOUR PENISES—slithered into my store with the kind of skill it usually takes several years of training in a monastery with a ninja master to accomplish. I swear to god, she got through a closed door. She was some kind of rockabilly goddess, with a halter top showing off an uneasy detente between cleavage and tattoos. She smelled like cinnamon, and wanted me to be damn sure of that fact as she leaned to tickle my ears with her breath.
“Do you know about the Hentai Am?” she whispered.
Of course I did. The pornographic anime in which the chief animator supposedly attained perfect enlightenment halfway through and now had the habit of reducing unsuspecting masturbators to gibbering madness.
“Never heard of it.”
“It’s in town... and all I need is... help obtaining it.” She somehow discovered a way to close even more distance with me. If she got any closer, we were going to discover some new kind of fusion bomb fueled entirely by hormonal flesh and whispered entendres.
“You’ve got the wrong guy, lady. I’m closed.”
“I’m not.”
“Yeah, I’m getting that, and the last person who touched me like that was testing for a hernia.”
She blinked. “What?”
“Shop’s closed, sister. Now get the hell out before I have you busted for trespassing.”
She slapped me, but I don’t think her heart was really in it.
Two days later, right before the Cosmic Trickster decided to really wind up and punt my crotch into orbit, I had another one. It was a Friday evening and I was getting ready for my girlfriend to arrive. I was at the local market trying to decide on wines, which mostly consisted of me squinting at the labels and pretending I knew what they meant. “The Safety Dance” echoed over the PA while outside the rain clattered off cars and pavement. Now, I’ve got nothing against Men Without Hats and I’ve worked for their one-world agenda in the past, but it did cut into the ambience of the rainstorm.