Gastien Pt 1 (29 page)

Finally, she stopped crying. She composed herself and pulled back. Looking somberly at him she said, “I am getting married, Gastien. The wedding is in two weeks.”

Gastien’s jaw dropped. “But why, Nath? Did your gentleman finally demand you settle down with him?” He nodded, realization dawning. She had caved in to his pressure! “That has to be why, because I know you were not ready to go play wife yet. Why would you agree to his demands now? We are having so much fun!” Gastien just could not understand. Why in the world would she decide to marry now?

“Gastien, for me, life is not just about fun anymore. Things have changed,” she said.

“How? Exactly how have things changed? I mean, if you are tired of me that is fine. We agreed to no commitment, but why would you ruin your life like this? I just don’t understand – “

“Gastien, I am pregnant,” she said flatly.

Gastien was in shock. Pregnant? Nath? Nath was going to have a baby? Sure, he knew that women had babies, but he thought Nath knew ways to make sure that wouldn’t happen. “But, how?”

She laughed tensely. “How??? Gastien, you certainly know better than most what actions are taken that may result in a baby. Don’t be ridiculous! Why would you ask how?”

Gastien blushed. “I am sorry, Nath. Certainly, I know “how”. I guess I just thought you knew how to make sure it did not happen.”

“Well, those things do not always work. Obviously!” She was on her feet, pacing, fighting to get some control.

Gastien was angry now. “Or maybe you wanted the baby! It seems women always end up wanting babies, doesn’t it? Just when we were having the time of our lives, you decide to have this gentleman’s baby, so that you can play mommy. I give up, Nath! I can’t figure women out. Even you can’t be counted on!”

She slapped him then – hard – across the face. The noise of it rang out in the room. As her handprint appeared on his cheek, Gastien looked at her, stunned.

Before he could say anything, she cried, “Do you think I wanted this right now? Do you think I want to be stuck away in some big old estate away from Paris with a fifty-year-old man, managing his business entertainment, watching life go by? Do you think I did this on purpose?”

“Well, you didn’t have to sleep with him! And, if you did, you could have done whatever it was you did whenever you were with me to assure it did not happen!” snapped Gastien.

“The baby is yours,” she said quietly.

Gastien felt like he had been punched in the gut. The baby was his? Staring, he swallowed. “I am going to be a father?” he asked stupidly.

“
Non
, you simply fathered a child,” she said coldly. “My fiancé, Elliot, will be the father.”

“Well, that was rather harsh!” Gastien narrowed his eyes at her. “How do you even know it is my child? I don’t mean to be the rude one now, but we both had this agreement for freedom.”

She looked at him sadly. “I know because you are the only person I have slept with in three months.”

“That’s not true! We were enjoying a variety of people! Many times we went home with others – “

“Many times YOU went home with others. I did not.” She turned her back on him because she did not want him to see the emotions that surely must be running across her face.

Gastien ran his hands through his hair. “I don’t believe you! Why would you only sleep with me?”

She whirled around to face him. “BECAUSE I AM SO IN LOVE WITH YOU THAT IT HURTS TO BREATHE!!” she blurted out. “BECAUSE IT IS ONLY YOUR FACE THAT I SEE IN MY MIND EVERY LIVING SECOND THAT I AM AWAKE, AND DURING EVERY DAMN DREAM! DOES THAT HELP, GASTIEN? DOES IT HELP YOU TO KNOW THAT? BECAUSE IT SURE AS HELL DOES NOT HELP ME!” She was crying again.

Gastien did not know what to say. She was in love with him?
Mon Dieu,
when had that happened? He was crazy about her in a sexual way, but in love? He was not in love. He did not envision spending the rest of his life with her. Nor did he want to hurt her, he cared very much for her as a person and a friend. But, love? Love meant commitment, a home with a family. Yet, she was really hurting right now. He opened his arms. “Nath, come here.”

She sank back down next to him, letting herself be enfolded in his arms. How she wished she had not told him that she was in love with him. It made her feel ashamed. She had been so sure she could control her emotions. She had denied it for awhile, but the first time she had seen him and glanced into his eyes, she had known. She just hadn’t wanted to admit to it. She should have run as soon as she had known, before she even bought him the champagne. She should have just gotten up out of her chair, walking away like it was any other night. But she had wanted him so badly! It was like an invisible force, drawing her to him. Foolishly, she thought she could enjoy him, yet be strong enough to keep her heart out of it. And now her heart was not her own. Nath could feel it breaking.

He held her for quite some time, stroking her face and hair, kissing her. “It will be fine, Nath. It will all turn out just fine.”

Finally she sat up. “Gastien, I am sorry. I did not mean to tell you that I am in love with you. I know you aren’t in love with me. Listen, these things happen. We always knew I would marry Elliot sooner or later. It just happens to be sooner.” She started crying again.

“Let’s be realistic. Even if I had been the type that wanted a wife and family, can you honestly say that you would be happy with me, Nath? I mean, come on. You are used to satin sheets. I don’t know for sure if I will even have a bed to put sheets on, in a year. You are used to fine furnishings and clothing. I am lucky if I live somewhere that has running water. I plan on living in Montmartre within a couple of years. There is no gas, running water or plumbing there. It is still a village! Can you see yourself living like that?” She sniffled. “I am sure you can’t. You are a smart woman. You know marrying me would mean we would end up hating each other. You would despise that type of life.”

She considered that a long while. Finally she looked at him and had to agree. “You are right, of course. I would hate being married to someone who could not give me financial security. I have always had that. Even though I can provide that myself now, I have always expected that at some point of my choosing there would be a man to take very good care of me.”

“See? What we have had has been very wonderful, Nath, but it has never been real life for you. It has been an adventure, a fantasy that you had to act out. I am just a bit player in your life, and it is time to move to the next scene. Can you see that?”

She reached out to push his hair behind his ears. “I can see that it is time for the next scene, but you will never be considered a bit player.” She leaned to him, planting soft kisses all over his face. “My heart is telling me differently, but my brain is telling me that you and I are a sonnet, not a whole symphony.” She was silent for several minutes. “My dear, darling Gastien. How will I live without you? Without the excitement and the candid conversations?”

“You will live well,
chèri
. Besides, you can always write to me. We can talk that way.”

“I don’t know if I can do that or not. If I feel I can, I will. I will have to decide what is best. But I do promise that I will send a picture of our child to you when it is born. I will also try to let you know yearly how the child progresses.”

“That would be lovely. If I get a painting job at someone’s home, you can always send a letter to the restaurant. Maurice will always know where to forward it. I do love you, you know, in my own way. I may not be in love, Nath, but I love you. Does that make sense?”

“
Oui
. You care deeply about my well being and happiness, but you don’t want to be responsible for it.”

“Nath, don’t – “

“
Non
. I don’t mean that harshly. Isn’t it true? You love me, but you don’t want to merge our lives as one. I am all right with that. It is good to know that you love me.”

They both smiled sadly at each other. Soon they were in each other’s arms again, but it was not for any reason other than comfort and caring.

Gastien pulled back. “What about Elliot? Are you going to lie to him, having a baby that is born early? Are you going to be able to live with that?” asked Gastien. Nathalie had always been so honest. He could not imagine her doing that, but women did it all of the time.

Many artists had affairs with women above their class and, pregnant or not, when the time came for marriage it was never the artist that was chosen. If the artist was foolish enough to fall in love, they were the ones hurt. A woman depended on a man for financial security. If she was modern enough to take a bohemian lover, she was also smart enough to toss him to the side when security was at stake. Sometimes they still carried on an affair, but the artist was never the one chosen to be with legally.

Nathalie said, “Elliot knows, Gastien. He knows it is not his child. He knows about you. We have always been honest with each other. Well, almost. He does not know I am in love with you. I imagine he suspects it. I also imagine he knows that I would not really be happy with you, just like you knew. He is sterile, darling. He has never been able to father a child. He is quite pleased that I will bring a child into the marriage. We are marrying quickly so that others do not know.”

Gastien thought that was more than he would want to take on in Elliot’s shoes. “Are you certain he is happy about this?”

Nathalie laughed tensely. “None of us are totally happy about it, are we? But there are advantages for all of us. He gets his wife and a child. I get financial security and my reputation. You get to continue your freedom.”

“I should be at least somewhat responsible for the child. It was fathered by me.”

“Shut up, Gastien. Please don’t go trying to play a part that you are not cut out for. I don’t mean to be harsh again, but what could you provide that we won’t provide better? It is your turn to be realistic. You cannot provide for a child well, but you have fathered one. I am sure that you will have, or already have, some concern about its welfare. Be glad that you will have a child that grows up in a very wealthy home with all the privileges that provides. Your child will have the best of everything, including two parents who will love it and care deeply for each other. In return, I must ask you to not interfere. It would be confusing to the child. Please. Don’t come to see the child. Will you promise that?”

Gastien sat without responding. He was having the normal feelings that most humans have when they know they have created a new person. He had feelings of protection, of making sure it was safe…but Nath was right. They could protect and provide for the child better than he. “I promise. You are right. This is hard, but you are right. It is best for the child.”

“
Merci
, Gastien. I know your word is good. I could always trust you to be honest.”

He thought a moment more. “We can still see each other, though, Nath. Can’t we? Won’t you be coming to Paris to shop? I understand that married couples have affairs all the time!”

“
Oui
, but I am not sure that would be good for me, darling. It might hurt too much to keep reopening those feelings in me. Plus, you will be in Montmartre. It would really be rubbing Elliot’s face in it for me to come to a tiny village for no spoken reason.”

“But, I could meet you in Paris! It is almost part of the outskirts now and – ”

“You could. Maybe someday I will be ready for that. Let’s just leave it for now. It is best to just leave it. Understood?” She looked at him with sad eyes.

“Understood,
chèri
. For now. I can’t promise I won’t ask again in the future, though. You are one in a million, Nath,” Gastien whispered as he traced her jaw line with his finger.

“
Merci
Gastien.” She kissed him then. “Will you do me one more favor, darling?”

“If I can,
oui
.”

“Will you please stay until tomorrow? We were incredible lovers, Gastien. I would like to have that experience one more time before I leave. For me, it will be making love. For you, it will be sex. That is fine. I just want you one more time.”

“Are you sure,
chèri
? Is it ok, with the baby?”

Nath laughed. “I am only a little over two months along. It is so small that I will be fine. It will be just the same as before.”

“What about you, though? Emotionally, I mean. I had no idea that you were in love with me! I am sorry.”

“Not were in love. I am in love. I will always be in love with you, Gastien. And,
oui
, I will be ok.”

“Again, I am sorry, Nath. I did not mean for that to happen. I would never hurt you willingly,” Gastien said sadly.

“Don’t be sorry. Being with you is the most wonderful thing that has happened to me! Just think, you have provided me with the only child I will probably have. My fiancé could not do that. Your gift of a child may have come earlier than I wanted, but it is something I did want some time. You know, I am twenty-four years old now! Most women start having children much younger, so maybe it was just time. You have given me the best gift a man can give a woman.” She cupped his face in her hands, planting a kiss on his mouth. “Gastien, I am already starting to love this child. I promise you that I will love it with all that is in me. It will, after all, be a part of you. I will always know that you are with me when I look at our child.”

“And you will be the most wonderful mother in the world. I have no fear about that. Please tell Elliot that I am very thankful for both of you. I know that this child is very fortunate. Please tell him I also know he will be the father in all the important ways, to never question that. I did the easy part.”

They both laughed. Then Gastien said, “Now I have a favor to ask of you, Nath.”

“Anything. What do you need?”

“I need you to take me to your
boudoir
now. I want more than one time. Let’s eat later. Right now, I want to feel you close to me.”

“Another marathon of many episodes?” she asked, eyes once again sparkling.