Galahad at Blandings (25 page)

‘Exactly.
It would shake him to his foundations. Well, as I say, I found the child busy
among the beetles and I put it to him squarely. Now, I said, was his moment.
Monica Simmons had gone to London, the angel with the flaming sword was no
longer on the spot and the coast was clear. Grasp this opportunity, I said, for
it may never come again. I had little difficulty in selling him the idea. Sandy
will tell you that I am a man not without a certain persuasive eloquence. To
come to the point, he thought well of the scheme and assured me that he would
attend to it directly he had completed his cataloguing. He estimated that it
would take him about another twenty minutes. So there you are.

He
paused as if waiting for a round of applause, but Sam showed no enthusiasm.

‘You’ll
probably take a low view of my intelligence,’ he said, ‘but how do you mean
“there we are”?’

Gally
stared at him incredulously.

‘Don’t
tell me you haven’t got it? I’ll bet Sandy has.’

‘Of
course. Sam lurks in the shed, Huxley sneaks up on his nefarious errand, Sam
pops out and grabs him. He takes him to Lord Emsworth and tells the tale and
Lord Emsworth is so grateful that he can deny him nothing. Then you go to Lord
Emsworth and ask him to lend his benefactor a thousand pounds and he says
“Capital, capital, capital” and there’s your happy ending. Right, professor?’

‘Right
to the last drop. You’d better be getting along, Sam, and taking up your
station.’

Sam
displayed even less enthusiasm than before.

‘You
want me to go and sit in that blasted shed?’

‘You’ve
grasped it.’

‘There’s
a dead rat there.’

‘It’ll
be company for you.’

‘And
what’s more I’m not at all certain there aren’t live rats, too. When I was
there before, I kept hearing a very sinister rustling. I won’t do it.’

‘Of
course you will, my pet,’ said Sandy briskly. ‘Think what it means to us.

‘Yes, I
know, but—”

‘Sam!
Sammy! Samuel, darling!’

‘It’s
all very well to say Sam, Sammy, Samuel darling—’

‘For my
sake! The woman you love!’

‘Oh,
all right.’

‘That’s
my brave little man.

‘But I
do it under protest,’ said Sam with dignity.

‘Odd,’
said Gally, as the door closed, ‘that a single visit should have left him so
prejudiced against that shed. You wouldn’t think to look at him that he was the
neurotic type. But you often find these fellows with tough exteriors strangely
sensitive. It was the same with Plug Basham that time Puffy Benger and I put
the pig in his bedroom.’

‘Why
did you do that, if you don’t mind me asking?’

‘To
cheer the poor chap up. For several days he had been brooding on something, I
forget what, and Puffy and I talked it over and decided that something must be
done to take him out of himself He needs fresh interests, I said to Puffy. So
we coated a pig liberally with phosphorus and left it at his bedside at about
two in the morning. We then beat the gong. The results were excellent. It
roused him from his despondency in a flash and gave him all the fresh interests
he could do with. But the point I’m making is that it was years after that
before he could see a pig without a shudder. He took the same jaundiced view of
them that Sam has taken of potting sheds. And Plug was an even tougher specimen
than Sam. Curious. Oh, hullo, Beach.’

The
butler had loomed up in the doorway, a portentousness in his manner that showed
that this was no idle social call.

‘Were
you looking for me?’

‘No,
sir. For Mr Whipple.’

‘Why do
you want Mr Whipple?’

‘Constable
Evans and Constable Morgan are anxious to interview him, Mr Galahad. They are
waiting in my pantry.’

It was
a sensational announcement, and it caused Sandy, the weaker vessel, to give a
gasp that reminded Gally of the death rattle of an expiring soda syphon. Gally himself,
true to the traditions of the old Pelican Club, remained calm.

‘You
mean they’re back?’

‘Yes,
sir.

‘You
amaze me. I thought we’d seen the last of that comedy duo. What brought them?’

‘I
informed Constable Evans on the telephone that the person I allude to was in
residence at the castle, Mr Galahad. You will recall that I expressed to you my
belief that he was a criminal and an impostor.’

‘I
remember that you did gibber along the lines you have indicated, but I thought
I had reasoned you out of that silly idea.’

‘I have
returned to it, sir.’

‘Well,
you’re wrong, of course, and those constables are going to blush hotly when
they realise what asses they’ve made of themselves, but if they want Whipple,
they’ll find him down at the lake. He went to have a swim before dinner.

‘Thank
you, Mr Galahad. I will notify the officers.’ The door closed. Gally uttered an
impatient snort. ‘What a curse zeal is! It’s what makes Clarence disapprove of
you so much. Beach has been zealous since he was a young under-footman. Never
lets well alone. There have been lots of complaints about it. Well, this means
we’ll have to cut the Sam—Huxley sequence.’

‘I was
thinking the same thing myself.’

‘Not
that it matters. I can bend Clarence to my will perfectly adequately without
it.’

And the
lamb Sam? What do we do about him?’

‘We get
him away.’

‘So I
should think, with this troupe of bloodhounds after him.’

‘There’s
nothing to keep him here now that you and he have ironed out your little
difficulties. Go and pick him up at the shed and take him to the garage and let
him select the best car he sees there and drive to London. And tell him that
speed is of the essence.

‘So
he’s stealing cars now as well as bicycles?’

‘Yes,
he’s getting into the swing of the thing capitally. What are you waiting for?’

‘I’m
not waiting. I’m just going.’

‘Well,
go. And I,’ said Gally, ‘will be off to see Clarence.’

CHAPTER 12

I

With an interview of major
importance before him, the prudent man does not act precipitately. Someone
younger and less experienced might have hastened immediately to Lord Emsworth’s
study without pausing to prepare himself, but Gally knew that on these
occasions a stimulus is required if one is to give of one’s best. His first
move, accordingly, after Sandy had left him, was to make for the drawing—room.
The cocktails there would, he feared, by now be mostly ice water, but there was
no time for the leisurely glass of port in Beach’s pantry which he would have
preferred, and he had always been a man who could rough it when he had to.

The
martini which he proceeded to pour proved an agreeable surprise. It did not
bite like a serpent and sting like an adder, but it was not without a certain
quiet authority, and he had taken it into his system and was feeling much
invigorated, when the door opened and his sister Hermione appeared.

Anyone
who had seen Lady Hermione as little as ten minutes ago would have been
astounded by her demeanour as she entered the room, for ten minutes ago she had
been in the poorest of shapes. The failure of her expedition to the Garden
Suite had left her shaken, and running over the details of the disaster in her
mind as she sat in her boudoir she was still quivering. She seemed to hear once
again her nephew Wilfred’s sudden outburst of song, and she shuddered as she
recalled it. That horrible noise had set every nerve in her body a-tingle. It
would be too much, perhaps, to say of a woman of her strong character that she
had the heeby-jeebies, but she was certainly emotionally disturbed. A
psychiatrist, seeing her, would have rubbed his hands gleefully, scenting
lucrative business.

But now
her agitation had subsided and she was calm again. Smug, too, thought Gally as
he eyed her. Acquaintance with her from their nursery days had made him expert
at analysing her various moods, and he did not like the current one at all. Her
air seemed to him the air of a sister who had that extra ace up her sleeve
which makes all the difference. Nevertheless, he greeted her with a cordial
‘Hullo, there’ and prepared himself for whatever might be going to befall by
taking another martini and water.

The
action drew from her a sniff of disapproval.

‘I
thought I should find you near the cocktail shaker, Galahad.’

‘You
wanted to see me?’

‘Yes,
there are several things I have to say to you.

‘Always
glad of a chat.’

‘I
doubt if you will like this one.’

‘Have
you come to tell me that Dame Daphne Winkworth has tied a can to Wilfred?’

‘I beg
your pardon?’

‘She
isn’t taking him on as a music master.’

‘Indeed?
No, I had not heard. But it was not Wilfred that I wanted to talk about.’

‘Then
would you mind saying what you do want to talk about? I’m a busy man and I have
a hundred appointments elsewhere. I can’t give you more than five minutes.’

‘Five
minutes will be ample.’

Lady
Hermione sat down, and the smugness of her manner became more pronounced.
Gally, who had been trying to think who it was that she reminded him of,
suddenly got it. The Fat Boy in Pickwick. She had only to say ‘I want to make
your flesh creep’, and the resemblance would be complete.

A few
minutes ago Veronica rang me up on the telephone.’

‘Oh
yes?’

‘She
was radiantly happy. She had just been having a long talk with Tipton.’

‘Oh,
yes?’

‘And to
cut a long story short—”

‘Always
a good thing.’

‘— He
told her he had read that letter—’

‘The
one you dictated?’

‘— And
was sure she had not meant a word of it. And of course she said she hadn’t.
They are getting married at the registrar’s the day after tomorrow. I very
seldom approve of these runaway weddings, but in this case I think they are
quite right. I’m afraid their decision affects you a good deal.’

‘You
mean about Sam Bagshott?’

‘Is
that his horrible name? I had forgotten. Yes, about Sam Bagshott.’

‘What
do you plan to do?’

‘What
do you expect me to do? I shall tell him to leave the castle immediately, and
then I shall go to Clarence and explain what has happened.’

‘I
see.’

‘Where
is he?’

‘In his
study, I imagine.’

‘Not
Clarence. This man Bagshott.’

‘Oh,
Sam? He was in that little room off the library just now. The one Sandy Callender
works in.’

‘Thank
you. There is no need for you to come, Galahad,’ she said some moments later,
pausing outside the library door.

‘You
wouldn’t care to have me as a bodyguard?’

‘I
don’t understand you.

‘Sam,
when stirred, is apt to plug people in the eye.’

‘I
don’t think I am in any danger.’

‘Have
it your own way. But be on the alert. The thing to do is to watch his knees.
They will tell you when he is setting himself for a swing. Keep your guard up
and remember to roll with the punch.’

‘Thank
you. Goodbye, Galahad,’ said Lady Hermione coldly.

She
went in and Gally, closing the door behind her, turned the key in the lock and
trotted briskly away. His schedule called for quick action. He was sorry to
have had to inconvenience his sister, but it was imperative that she remain in
storage until the conclusion of his business talk with his brother Clarence.
And the inconvenience would after all be slight. There were comfortable chairs
for her to relax in and several thousand good books to curl up with if she
wanted something to help her pass the time. It was with no burden on his
conscience, such as it was, that he set out for Lord Emsworth’s study.

His
route lay through the spacious hall where the ‘No smoking’ and ‘Kindly keep in
line’ signs had been, and as he descended the stairs he was aware of a measured
voice speaking from that direction. It seemed to be urging someone to come to
the castle with all possible speed, and reaching the hall he saw Beach at the
telephone. The conversation, whatever its import, had apparently concluded,
for the butler, with a polished ‘Thank you, sir. I will inform Dame Daphne,’
was hanging up the receiver.

‘What
was all that about, Beach?’ he asked.

‘I was
telephoning the doctor on behalf of Master Winkworth, Mr Galahad.’

‘He’s
ill, is he? Nothing trivial, I hope?’

‘He has
sustained a wounded finger, sir. The Empress bit him.’