Fusion (Explosive #5) (43 page)

I learned that, when life hands you lessons, you don’t turn your back on them. You heed the call; you
learn
. I was going to do that. Ty’s death was a wakeup call. I couldn’t help but wonder what if it had happened to me. To Jeremy. What if I’d lost him after I’d shut him out for far too long? I would’ve never forgiven myself, and I knew, no matter how much pain I was going through, I needed to reach out and take hold of my precious family, thankful they were still with me.

When I got home from Lexi’s, all was quiet. Light illuminated the living room, and I tiptoed in to see Jeremy and Ava curled up on the couch.
Jaws
—
yes, Jaws
—was on the television. Pain burned as a vivid memory of Ty and Ava curled upon that very couch flashed in my mind. I shook it out of my head and focused on the two in front of me. Jeremy was sound asleep; Ava was not. Her eyes lit up when she saw me and sleepily lifted her arms, giving me a grin that matched her father’s.

I smiled and sighed.

How could I ever not love my life?

She leapt into my arms, giggling as she snuggled into me. “Missed you, Mommy,” she whispered.

A silent tear slid down my cheek. Her words weren’t lost on me, even if she meant them simply. I’d missed me, too. I’d missed this.

So, when she insisted I read her a bedtime story, I took my time with
Goodnight Moon
and watched her for a while after she had fallen fast asleep. I would never take this for granted again.

Jeremy was still passed out on the couch when I finally left Ava’s room. I went to our own and prepared myself in the shower before slipping on my sexiest teddy. It had been far too long since I’d made love with my husband, and I was fixing that now.

Showered, shaved, plucked, and lotioned, I was primed and ready. My body ached as need hit me. Too many weeks had passed since the last time I’d given Jeremy any form of intimacy, and now my body wanted him in the worst way.

So, the moment I stepped out of the bathroom to wake him up, my nipples pebbled when I saw him standing in the bedroom, rubbing his eyes.

“Holy shit. Am I dreaming?” he asked sleepily before tossing me a grin and crossing to me. He turned me around to face the mirror beside the dresser, slipping his arms around my waist and placing his hands on my belly. “I’ve missed you, baby,” he whispered as he nuzzled against my neck.

We stood there in silence, facing the mirror. I was looking at our reflection; he was raptly staring at me.

I was the luckiest woman in the world, and I’d never forget it.

Turning around, I wove my arms around his neck and gazed up into his eyes. “You’re my sun, too, Jeremy. Without you, there’s no me. You’re the light in my life, and for too long, I’ve been in the dark. Bring me back into your orbit. Please,” I whispered. Then I bit my lip, hoping I hadn’t pushed him too far away.

When he grinned down at me, I knew I hadn’t.

When he swooped me up into his arms and carried me to the bed, my belly tightened with anticipation.

When he slowly sank into me and closed his eyes, savoring our connection, I knew I was home.

Back where I belonged. I would never leave again.

And, later on, when Jeremy held me tight, I realized how we had to grieve. Just like we did everything else—together.

Together, we’d begin to heal.

I only prayed that, one day, Lexi would be able to do the same.

We didn’t know what was in store for the future, but if Lexi’s time came again, I wouldn’t hesitate to give her a nudge.

When I woke up and Ava wasn’t on the couch with me, I’d frantically searched for her. I found her sound asleep in her bed, her current favorite bedtime story on the nightstand next to her. Sierra must’ve come in without waking me, and next, I found myself going in search of my wife. Half expecting to find her in the same state as Ava, I was prepared to climb into bed beside her.

Since the accident, she’d finally turned to me. In my arms, she seemingly found comfort, even if she didn’t say the words. Still, it’d been so long since she’d let me love her that, when I walked into our bedroom and she walked out of the bathroom at the same time in her favorite teal lingerie, my heart nearly stopped beating. It was as if I were seeing her for the first time. My heart couldn’t handle such exquisite beauty.

Beauty that was mine.

No words were said, but I knew the truth. My wife was back, and I’d do everything in my power to make sure she never left again. That she never wanted to. Whatever I had to do to be the arms she turned to whenever she needed.

In the weeks following Ty’s death, I’d done a lot of reflection, wondering how and if I could ever endure what Lexi was currently dealing with. Love was eternal, sure. But eternal was relative, wasn’t it? At any given time, we could be taken from the Earth, so what mattered was that we lived our lives to fullest, loved the hardest, so that when our time was up, we’d go with no regrets. I wanted that with Sierra. I
had
that with Sierra. All I knew was our love would last a lifetime—however long that’d be for us-- and she’d never, not for a single second, doubt how I felt.

I spent the rest of the night showing her just how loved, cherished, worshipped, and adored she was and would forever be.

The best part?

She let me.

The whole time, however, there was a faint sadness in my heart. After all was said and done, Sierra was finally asleep in my arms. She’d reached out to me, finally, and I should’ve been relaxed, happy I had my wife back.

But all I could think about was Ty.

Don’t get me wrong. I was relieved as hell that Sierra was letting me back in.

But how fucking ironic was it that it took Lexi losing her husband for Sierra to return to me?

As she slept soundly in my arms for the first time in weeks, I promised myself and Ty that I’d look after our girls. There would be a lot of pain. A lot of grief. A hell of a lot of heartache. But they’d never be alone. We hadn’t been the closest of brothers-in-law, but he was family. My heart was torn into pieces by his loss. Our lives, our family, would never be the same, and I had no idea how to deal with it. Just that I had to. I’d endure all of it right along with Sierra and Lexi, giving them as much strength as they needed while taking whatever pain I could.

It wouldn’t be easy. Fuck, it’d be hard as hell, but I’d do it. I’d do whatever I had to.

FOR THE FIRST TIME
in weeks—hell, months—I woke from a dreamless, restful sleep. It was as if my body and my mind knew Jeremy had been holding me all through the night, and I was completely content.

I stretched out on the bed, frowning when my hand landed on the cool sheet where my husband should have been. Just as I was sitting up to survey the room, Jeremy walked in with a tray of food.

I burst into tears.

He frowned, set it down, then rushed to my side of the bed.

I shook my head. “I’m fine,” I whispered, but he didn’t look convinced.

“Mom picked up Ava a little bit ago. I thought we could spend the morning alone,” he said, and I was touched by his thoughtfulness. Then he bit his lip. “After last night…I thought, I don’t know. Maybe we could talk.” He ran a hand through his hair.

My heart squeezed. How could I have created this awkwardness between us? I hated it, and I had to get rid of it.

But he beat me to the punch. “I know things around here have been pretty awful. But…Ava needs you, Sierra. Lexi needs you.” Jeremy’s voice was strained. The depths of his sadness tore my heart apart.

“What about you, Jeremy? Do you need me, too?”

The question hung in the air between us, and I mentally kicked myself for even asking it.

He climbed onto the bed and drew me into his lap. The scent of his familiar body wash poured over me, enveloping me in a comforting cocoon. One I’d been hiding from. And I no longer knew the reason why. Because his touch? It was exactly what I needed, and he did need me. I’d been selfish and cruel to withdraw from him the way I had. He deserved so much more.

His hands cupped my cheeks as his eyes searched mine. Tears threatened as I wondered if our baby would’ve had those same copper ones.

“Sierra.” His voice was pained. Breathless.

My heart hammered as I awaited his response.

“I will
always
need you.”

A soft whimper escaped my lips. Relief overwhelmed me as a flood of emotion attacked my senses, tears spilling onto my cheeks. Jeremy wrapped his arms around me as I cried into his chest.

The crying, something I tried not to do often, surprisingly felt…good. No. It wasn’t just good. As Jeremy held me close, it was therapeutic, and I felt safe enough to let it all out. I cried for Ty. I cried for my sister. I cried for my unborn angel—for both Jeremy and myself. The entire time I cried, Jeremy kept me enveloped in his embrace, whispering soothing words of love.

When I was finally all cried out, I sniffled and lifted my head. His eyes were tight with concern as they studied mine.

“I’m so sorry, Jeremy. I’m so sorry,” I chanted. “I’m so sorry for shutting you out when I should’ve been in your arms all along. This didn’t just happen to me. It happened to us, and it wasn’t fair for me to act the way I did.”

He briefly closed his eyes, and when they reopened, he was holding back tears. It was nearly my undoing.

“It’s okay, baby,” he whispered.

I whimpered in protest. He brought a finger to my lips, silencing me, then brought his forehead to mine. Our lips were so close, but I was focused on his eyes. Eyes that, while full of grief, still shone with all the love in the world.

“As much as it hurt, you pulling away, I understood. The thing is, I’m hurting, too, Sierra. Can’t we do it together? Grieve together? We’ll be feeling this loss for the rest of our lives, but we can’t lose ourselves or each other in the process. This has been nearly unbearable, losing the baby then feeling like I’ve lost you, but we’re both still here. Ava is still here. We have to keep on living, as hard as that may feel at times. We’re still a family. We always will be. That doesn’t mean we have to forget. It means we keep going. We live. We love. And, baby, it’s okay if we still laugh.”

The reminder of our vows was the salve I needed to put the pieces of my heart back together. “I love you, Jeremy. And you’re right. There’s a hole in my heart, and it may always be there, but with you and Ava, my heart is still so incredibly full.”