Fur Coat No Knickers (34 page)

‘You
can’t
be in the menopause,’ Camilla said in shock, searching my pale face, ‘you’re way too young!’

‘Thank you
, Camilla,’ I said, smiling in spite of myself, ‘it’s a very rare genetic disorder.’ I added.

‘No, it’s
not a rare genetic disorder – it’s part of life, remember?’ Laura shot back, shaking her head. ‘We
don't do
denial anymore, do we? We embrace it, don't we?’

I couldn’t believe
Laura; she was now slowly nodding her head at me like I was an imbecile.

‘I love short, sassy hairstyles,’ broke in Camilla, changing the subject fast to prevent
an impending assault, ‘especially with a beautiful face like yours. You really could take it.’

‘Can I hide a little of my face?’ I pleaded. ‘That’s all I ask. I don't care about anything else.’

‘No hiding anything,’ insisted Laura, shaking her head at me.

Laura and Camilla
began pulling out magazines as I sat and waited impatiently.

‘How about this one?’
asked Camilla, her finger poised over a picture. ‘It’s perfect for your face shape, short, yet still very edgy and youthful, with a long, peek-a-boo fringe that you can tuck behind your ears, or it can fall sexily over one eye.’

‘As long as it covers some of my face
, that’s fine.’ I said, accepting the picture and giving Laura a stern look.

‘We could also
dip-dye the fringe area in a soft ash to complement your natural, strawberry blonde tones,’ she continued, confidently passing the magazine over to Laura.

‘Oh yes,’ chimed in Laura
, nodding in agreement, ‘very Gwyneth Paltrow from Sliding Doors.’

Just a few months ago, if anyone had come near my hair with a pair of scissors, I would have had a seizure.

They could tint it black for all I care; I just want to get it over and done with,
I thought. But the last thing I needed was to make a bad impression on Camilla, so I plastered on a fake smile.

I already knew I wanted to hire her. She was perfect. She had years of experience and had just the right person
ality. Plus, she had managed a Salon earlier on in her career before she’d taken a year out to travel.

The whole interview and styling
took an hour and a half. Poor Lewis must have been desperate to escape.

‘Wow,
you look great,’ James announced as I entered the staffroom to let Lewis know the interview was over.

I glanced shyly over at Lewis and then looked away quickly. He was staring at me, open-mouthed.
Jesus, he must be thinking what a freakin’
freak I am.
How humiliating. James was oblivious to it all, of course.

‘Lewis
likes stroking little furry things Tara, don't you, Lewis?’ James giggled.

‘Well, I guess you could put it like that,’ laughed Lewis, grabbing his helmet.

‘Can I have a little stroke of your helmet before you go please Lewis?’ wheedled James outrageously.

Lewis laughed and pretended to knock James over the head with the bike helmet. ‘I’ve been trying to keep you away from my
‘helmet’ for the last 90 minutes,’ he said, ‘I’m not going to give in now!’

I l
aughed nervously as I showed Lewis back into the main Salon. I then held out my hand to shake Camilla’s.

Laura b
utted in: ‘Thank you so much for coming in, Camilla. We will let you know in due course if you’ve been a successful candidate for the position.’

‘Camilla
- you’ve got the job.’ I announced, cutting Laura off. ‘You can start Monday. It’s
my
Salon and I want you working here.’

‘Tara!
’ Laura interjected sharply. ‘We haven’t discussed this. We need to see other applicants. Don’t make any rash decisions…’

‘Well, I think this arrangement is just perfect,’ broke in James, whilst never once taking his eyes off Lewis’ crotch. ‘I can’t think of anyone else I’d rather be working with.’

‘What do you think, Camilla? You up for working here?’ I asked, ignoring James, who was fastly becoming the annoying local queer pet.

‘Wow, thank
you so much. I really wasn't expecting to be offered a job so quickly. I would love to take the job! I promise you won’t regret hiring me. Monday would be perfect.’

‘Monday it is,’ I said
, wearily shaking both their hands and smiling as Camilla and Lewis left the Salon.

Laura didn't say a word
- she didn't have to, her face was etched in complete disapproval.

‘Laura,’ I pleaded, ‘please don’t be angry with me, I need to start making
my own decisions soon - you’re not going to be around forever and I am grateful for everything you have done for me, honestly.’

‘She’s perfect,’ Laura admitted, giving me a quick hug. ‘Your hair looks the best I’ve ever seen
it. You look ten years younger!’

‘Really?’ t
hat had made my day.

‘My
- my,’ sighed James, lustfully tossing back his precious mane of hair while frantically fanning himself with a magazine. ‘You can’t help but enjoy the view, can you? That man’s sooo hot. He’s
the
image of Bradley Cooper. And those green eyes were just… intoxicating.’

‘I didn't even notice.’ I shrugged
, bitterly disappointed that the only decent piece of eye-candy I’ve seen in ages appears to bat for the other side.

After they left, I was feeling utterly exhausted from the morning’s events. There were o
ther applicants coming for the Beautician’s post, but I really felt as though I’d had enough already.

‘Laura,
I’m so tired. I want to go home. I really can’t cope with another makeover or interview.’ I sighed shaking my head.

I stood, rubbing my tired eyes.
Suddenly I heard Siobhan’s voice bellowing through the Salon.

‘Captain!’ Siobhan saluted over to Laura, clicking her heels. ‘Mission accomplished. I have found the missing Caucasian.’

Trailing in behind Siobhan was - Jackie! I was so pleased to see her! I leapt forward and hugged her as hard as I could before I burst into floods of tears. This was the one person on the planet who I knew for a fact was feeling much the same as I was.

‘Tara, can I
have my old job back please?’ asked Jackie, wearing a huge grin with watering eyes.

‘Yes… yes…!
I couldn't think of anyone I would rather hire than you!’

That was it. T
he torrent of tears started again.

‘I just h
ad to get away, Tara. Well, until those two idiots were out of the picture at least.’

‘I always warned
you, Tara,’ James snarled, ‘Jayde was good for nothing.’

‘They've both buggered off to Marbs,’ Jackie announced, making a face
, ‘good riddance to them both.’  

‘Marbella?’ I repeated, totally
gob-smacked. ‘Oh Jackie, I’m so, so sorry.’ I shook my head, exhaling a deep breath of sadness.

‘O-M-G,’ snorted James dismissively
, ‘how utterly boring. Now, if you had said he took her to New York… or let’s say… the Cayman Islands, or Miami, or even… Actually – Jayde, in Miami? I think not.’ James began roaring with laughter. ‘She wouldn't be allowed entry!’

‘James!
’ I snapped. ‘Please, have a little decorum.’

‘Jackie, you
look, - well… wonderful.’ I stood back and examined her, shaking my head in wonder.

‘Jackie?’ James paused, cocking his head to one side. ‘Have we had a little fun
- with a wind tunnel?’

‘Yep, I’ve had every lift you can think of,’ she said defiantly lifting her hair-line to show minimal scars, ‘Sheila added some Botox, fillers and a
new skin care range and that
idiot
has paid for it all. By the time I’ve finished with his bank account they will both be sleeping on the beach. He’s not even bothered seeing, or contacting, his own children. I think he deserves to suffer for a good while yet.’

‘Go Jackie!’ squealed James in complete awe. ‘Whatever you’re on Jaks, can you give some to Tara?’

‘Come on Tara,’ said Jackie giving me another hug, ‘let’s get the kettle on, you and I have got lots to catch up on!’

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

[Three months later]
…

‘UGHH. I’m so bored,’ sighed James dramatically. ‘Nothing exciting ever happens around here anymore. I’ve even run out of horrible things to say now Jayde has gone. Tara - come on - the Salon is quiet and you’ve been talking about getting setup on this dating website for ages now. So let’s get to it.’

‘I haven’t been saying that,
you’ve
been saying it!’ I said, desperately wracking my brains for another topic that might divert James from his near-constant mantra about getting me back on the saddle. ‘I’m really not sure if I’m ready. Apart from anything else, I still can’t understand how my love life ended up like this. You know, where my so-called
friends
think it is okay to publicly discuss me having to go on a poxy website to find romance.’

‘Come on,
it’s free to sign up,’ said James enthusiastically, ignoring my protests (as always). ‘The best way to get over a man is to get under another one! Your lady-garden must need tending to by now. There’s only so much a Rampant Rabbit and some AA batteries can do. Trust me on that one.’

‘Well…
’ I began, doubtfully. To be honest, I was running out of excuses. ‘Okay.’ I sighed.

‘Right then. So we’re doing it!
Marvellous. Camilla, can you ‘wo-man’ the phone? Tara and I are off to get some tending sorted for a particular garden of hers.’

With that
, James began to hustle me towards the computer in the staffroom.

James began to tap in information like a man possessed. I had
never seen anyone type so fast; I guess he was racing through it before I could change my mind. In a matter of seconds, James had uploaded my best (photo-shopped) pictures. Then, as he got to the bit about height, age and interests I began to feel a rising sense of panic.

‘Right
, Tara. What are you looking for?’

‘Hmmm. I don’t know really.’

‘A pretty boy? Tall? Thin? Gorgeous hair? Cute bum?’ James turned to look at me, one eyebrow raised quizzically, his face full of expectation.

‘James, this is
supposed
to be in aid of getting a man for
me
, and a real man too. We are not looking for a gay play thing for
you.’

‘Sorry, just trying to help.’

James looked a little crest-fallen and for a few moments I felt bad for snapping at him. Then I realised it was just an act. In a nanosecond he was back, pounding away at the keyboard again.

Let’s see.
I thought to myself, ‘okay; seeking a knight in shining Armani, with washboard abs. Must be into sports, preferably rugby, with a northern accent, 6ft plus. Weaklings need not apply. In fact, if you’re not remotely like Travis, don’t apply.’

James swung around in his chair
, glaring at me.

‘What now?’ I asked sharply.

‘Tara, he may have been 6ft and incredibly strong with a
huge
bent dong, but mentally, he was incredibly weak and broke your heart. We are going to find you someone new, someone better. So tell me, what is it exactly that you look for in a man?’

‘Okay, I want someone kind and gentle,’ I said slowly, doing my very best to get into the swing of things.
Maybe if I thought about Travis and then just listed everything he wasn’t
. ‘Someone with a good kind soul. Above all, they must have excellent communication skills and be consistent.’

‘Shall we put
in, "no pecs, no sex"?’ asked James, tapping away on the computer, utterly ignoring my more romantic aspirations. Sighing, my mind flashed back to Travis’ perfectly sculpted body.

‘Actually no, there are more imp
ortant things,’ I countered, as I pushed the painful, familiar image out of my head.

‘Erm okay,’ James said with a puzzled face
, ‘but you don’t want to end up with a sack of lard do you? Just imagine Jayde with testicles. Not pretty is it?’

‘Oh James, just put what
you want, I’ll leave it to you!’ I huffed stamping out of the office.

Hold on
,
I thought, in alarm as I inadvertently began gnawing at my hand.
I must be out of my tiny mind leaving my dating destiny in James’ hands
. My mind skittered around nervously. I had a terrible feeling that I had just made a humongous mistake.

Two hours passed and James was still in the staffroom. To take my mind off what he could possibly be doing to me, I started to go through the pile of receipts in the till. Takings were down again. Although I felt determined to pull the business back up to where it once was, it wasn’t easy. Every time we got anywhere, we were always knocked back by some unexpected cost or a sudden downturn in business for no
discernible reason. My train of thought was abruptly interrupted as a squealing noise filled the Salon.

‘OH-MY-GOD. OH-MY-GOD. OH-MY-GOD!’ James
squawked, running into the main Salon on his tiptoes, his arms flapping wildly in the air.

‘
Darling. You have
ten
potential gardeners looking to get their fingers green into your lady-garden. How fabulous, darling!’

‘Shhhhh,’ I blushed, quickly raising my hands to my face in shock. I couldn’t help it though, I was curious.
‘Really?’

‘
Yes
!’ he screamed like a schoolgirl. ‘Come and have a look!’

I walked over to the staffroom with Jackie and
Camilla close behind me. They had tried to stay out of it, but like me, they couldn’t resist checking out the fruits of James’ labor.

With all of the staff looking over my
shoulder, I opened the first email.

No. 1:

Hey you look so juicy!

If you were a bogey, I’d pick you first. lol.

I’m
so
into older women, fancy having a toy-boy?

[…]

‘Eww! Yuck!’ I slapped my hand over my mouth in disgust and deleted him before reading the rest.

No. 2:

Hi,

First… you are so hot! Deffo a solid 8!!!

I came across your profile and thought 'boom
,' there she is… so thought I’d drop you a message.

I know it’s forward of me but as my mum said, 'live for the moment' SO… I was wondering if I could take you for dinner in town next Thursday? Will have to be between 6 & 8 p.m if you're around, as I'll need my mum to drop me off and pick me up before she goes to bingo.

Unless you are heading my way? I don’t mind if you want to pick me up? How about I let you choose where we go? Or, how about we all go to bingo together?

I look forward to hearing from you!

Larry

No. 3:

Hello

Neville here, I’m 45. I’m an IT Support Manager from Norwich.

I’m recently single after my wife left me for the decorator I hired to do our kitchen. He did a great job, but I don’t think I will be recommending him.

I’m looking to make new friends and start dating again, so I wondered if you would like to come to mine for dinner one evening?

Now the wife has gone and taken everything, (apart from our four children) money’s a little limited, but I’m sure you would love them all when you meet them.

Honestly, I could probably do with a hand at bath time anyway! Sunday’s are homework days, but if I had a lady to help that would ease my life considerably. So if you're free let me know?

Anyway, I will stop jabbering. Hopefully you'll reply and we can arrange a day.

Anytime is good for me as I have a people carrier and can bring kids with me.

Look forward to hearing from you.

Neville

It wasn’t a good start. After that disappointment, I scanned each email quickly. If it didn’t catch my eye immediately, it was deleted. Amongst the emails, there were just two that stood out. One from someone called Jack and another from a guy called Luke. James and I agreed they were the only two worth a response.

Finally, alone in the staffroom, I began composing my reply emails.

Dear Jack
,

I hope to find you well?

[Delete.]

Hey Jack,

Thank you for looking at my profile
…

[Delete.]

‘FOR FUCK’S SAKE!!!!!! I don’t know what the fuck to write! I just need a shag!’

[Send.]

‘Shit!’ I hissed. ‘Shit! shit! shit!’ I had accidentally
clicked the wrong button.

I was jus
t about to give up and throw myself in front of a bus, when I heard a pinging sound from the computer…

‘Your message cannot be sent as it contains explicit content.’

‘Oh, thank God!’ I flopped back in my chair, trying to regain my nerves. I started typing again with much more care. I sent a simple, carefree email to both Luke and Jack.

My replies
seemed to do the trick. After a lot of back-and-forth emailing, over a few days, I arranged dates with both of them. I was slightly put off by the fact Luke always took a lot longer to respond than his love rival - and, when he did email, his replies were always very short and sharp. I was wary of another Travis-type scenario, but Luke’s good looks kept him in the game (just).

Jack was the first of the pair to ask for my mobile number. The email l
anded while I was working and James, being nosey, took charge and emailed him my number without even mentioning it to me. Within a few minutes, I received an email back from him, with his number on it and a promise of a phone call later that day. I was cross with James because I worried things were moving faster than I could cope with, but I
was
secretly pleased. If I was left to my own devices, I’m sure I would have dithered and delayed so much that by the time I met up with one of these guys - I’d have been ready for my care home.

To prepare myself for the phone call, I w
ent back through Jack’s emails, (after all, I didn’t want to confuse him with Luke and say something stupid). Jack’s picture was that of a very handsome and distinguished man. He was quite a few years older than me, but he did have a bit of a George Clooney look going on. His description stated he was 5ft 11, with brown eyes and hair with an athletic build. Under ‘Interests’ he’d put that he liked fine dining and was heavily into motor racing.
Maybe I could do with someone a bit older and wiser
, I thought, as I nervously waited for him to call me.

A few hours later, he rang. I nervously cleared my throat and scuttled off to take the call in private, away from the giggles and screams of my excitable employees. Jack sounded incredibly posh. In fact, his voice sounded like
that of royalty. To my surprise, I found his voice incredibly arousing, but also slightly intimidating. I giggled to myself - I really was watching my P’s and Q’s and putting on what Katie would call my ‘telephone voice’.

After a long chat, Jack and I
seemed to be getting on well. He asked if I’d like to meet up that weekend and I really couldn’t see why not. In fact, I felt almost ready to meet someone new after all.

Yes, I st
ill felt fragile on the inside - some days worse than others, but these days, sometimes an hour or two would pass before Travis even entered my head.

I gave Jack my address, even though the website had said i
t wasn’t the wisest thing to do. He had insisted on picking me up (and quite frankly, I was enjoying the fact that a man was actually going out of his way for me).

My nerves were shot to bits for the next few days and
I couldn’t concentrate on anything. On more than one occasion, I keyed in a text to cancel our date, but at the last moment, I didn’t press send.

I didn’t sleep at all the night before and on the morning of the date itself I was no good to anyone. I don’t think I had
ever been so pleased to hear my front door open and a familiar banter as my two best friends crashed in.

‘We’re here!’ shouted Siobhan and James as they ran up the stairs after letting themselves in.

‘Come on, come on,’ I ushered. As they tumbled into the room they were greeted with the sight of me standing in the centre of the room in odd shoes, a skirt and a chunky jumper; all worn in a crumpled lump over a fitted dress. In my hand I held an assortment of other garments. ‘I don’t know what to wear and he’s picking me up in forty minutes!’