Fudge-A-Mania (11 page)

"And you're my
best
brother," Fudge said, planting a sticky kiss on my face.

Maybe I'm not such a loser,
I thought.
Maybe today just wasn't my day. But next Sunday could be completely different. Next Sunday I might make a fantastic catch and hit a grand-slam home run! Anything's possible in baseball.

This time, when Jimmy and Fudge started another round of "Take Me Out to the Ball game, I sang with them.

Mom hit the shower as soon as we got home and when she came out, she called, "Fudgie... where's my Oil of Olay?"

"Mr. Zuman took it, Mom," Fudge said.

135

Mr. Zuman is the guy who picks up the trash twice a week.

"Why would Mr. Zuman have taken my Oil of Olay?"

"Because the bottle was empty." Fudge was tying a red bandana around Turtle's neck. All the dogs at the game wore bandanas.

"But it was a brand new bottle," Mom said.

"It was still empty, Mom."

"But you said you only needed a few drops... for Mitzi." "Not Mitzi," Fudge said. "My
mitt-sy
." "Your what?" Mom asked. "You know... my baseball glove."

"You used my Oil of Olay on your baseball glove?"

Fudge undid the bandana from Turtle's neck and tied it around his leg, instead. Turtle barked.

"You used
all
my Oil of Olay on your
mitt-sy
?" Mom asked.

"Right," Fudge said.

"I can't believe this!" Mom said to herself. "All my Oil of Olay."

"Olay..." Uncle Feather said, as Sheila came into the room. "Olay..."

"I didn't know your bird speaks Spanish!" Sheila said.

136

"He doesn't," I told her.

"But I just heard him say
ole
." Sheila went over to Uncle Feather's cage and snapped her fingers. "Ole!" she sang.

"Olay... olay..."
Uncle Feather sang back.

"You see?" Sheila said to me.

"It's not that kind of
ole
,"
I
said. "It's
o-
l-a-y."

"How could you possibly know that?" Sheila asked.

"Believe me... I know!"

137

"How about rich, Dad?" Jimmy asked. "Could we get just a little bit rich while you're at it?"

138

"You never know," Mr. Fargo said. And for the second time that week, he laughed.

"That's wonderful news, Frank!" Mom said. "Speaking of wonderful news..." Grandma said. She and Buzzy Senior stood with their arms around each other. "Buzzy and I..." Grandma looked at him and smiled.

"There's only one way to say it," Buzzy Senior said. Then he cleared his throat and began to sing:
"Who can explain it, who can tell you why?"

Grandma joined him on the next line.
"Fools give you reasons, wise men never trrryyyy..."

"Mother..." Mom said. "What are you trying to tell us?"

"Why Anne, dear..." Grandma said, "I thought it was obvious. Buzzy and I are in love. We're going to be married."

"Married?" Mom and Dad said.

"Married?" Mr. and Mrs. Tubman said.

"Yes..." Buzzy Senior said. "Married."

"Isn't this kind of sudden?" Mom asked.

"It may seem that way to you," Grandma said. "But at our age, sudden is okay. It's not as if we haven't met each other's families... is it?" She and Buzzy Senior laughed.

139

"When is this marriage going to take place?" Mom asked.

"Oh... I don't know," Grandma said. "Maybe tomorrow or the next day."

"Tomorrow?" Mr. Tubman said. "That soon?"

"Well, yes..." Grandma said. "While we're all here together, in Maine."

"Couldn't you wait?" Mom asked.

"I suppose we could wait until next weekend," Grandma said.

Mom and Mr. Tubman looked like they were in shock. I expected them to fall over any second.

"Grandpa..." Libby said, "what exactly does this mean? Does this mean I'm going to be related to the Hatchers?"

"Related?" I said.
"Related?"

Sheila cried, "Grandpa... you can't do this to me!"

And I cried, "Grandma... you can't do this to
me!"

Jimmy just stood there, laughing.

And Fudge looked confused. "So I don't have to marry Sheila because we're getting related anyway?"

"Right," Grandma said.

"I can't believe any of this!" Sheila wailed.

"Don't worry, honey," Fudge said. "I'll get you some of Mitzi's monster spray."

140

"Well," Mr. Fargo said, "this calls for a toast! Didn't I see a bottle of champagne on ice?"

"Good thinking, Frank!" Buzzy Senior said.

So there's going to be a wedding in Maine after all. Except Sheila and Fudge aren't going to be the bride and groom. Grandma and Buzzy Senior are. I don't know how I feel about that. I mean, I like Buzzy Senior. And I'm glad Grandma's happy. But does this mean we'll have to spend every holiday with the Tubmans? Does it mean I'm stuck with Sheila as my
stepsomething
for the rest of my life?

That night everyone sat around making wedding plans. Even Mom and Mr. Tubman got involved. I guess it just took them more time than the rest of us to get used to the idea of his father marrying her mother.

"We want to keep it very simple," Grandma said. "Something informal... outside... under the trees..."

"Tees," Tootsie said.

"Yes, sweetie pie," Grandma said, "trees." She bounced Tootsie on her lap.

"Muriel..." Sheila said. "Can Libby and I be your bridesmaids?"

"I'd be honored," Grandma said.

"I've always wanted to be a bridesmaid!"

141

Sheila gushed. "But we need dresses long, fluffy dresses... maybe pink or lavender."

"Oh, let's not bother with dresses," Grandma said.

"But all we have up here are jeans," Sheila said. "We can't be bridesmaids in jeans!"

"You can if you're creative," Grandma told her.

"What about me?" Fudge said. "I'm creative. Can I be a bridesmaid, too?"

"You can be the ring bearer," Grandma said.

"What's the ring bear?"

"It's like a bird breather," I told him.

"Really?" he asked.

"No," Mom said. "Peter's just being very silly."

"The ring bearer carries the rings," Grandma said. "On a pretty little pillow."

"What rings?" Fudge asked.

"The wedding rings, Turkey Brain. I thought you knew all about getting married."

"All I know is you get to sleep in the same bed."

"That's the best part," Buzzy Senior said. Mom shook her head. "Really, Buzzy..."

Grandma and Buzzy Senior decided on a Saturday morning wedding so they wouldn't interfere with the Sunday ball game.

142

Every time they went to town they invited someone else. Mom said they had to tell her how many people were coming, and soon. How else could she plan the wedding barbecue?

"Oh... just figure everyone is coming,'' Grandma said.

"Everyone?" Mom said. "What does that mean?"

It meant the guy from the hardware store, the butcher from Sawyer's Market, Dorothy of Oz, and the couple from the jewelry store, who sold them their wedding rings. It meant the Ickles from the ice cream parlor, Bicycle Bob, Isobel from the library and--Mitzi, Mrs. A and Big.

Mom worried about the weather but when we woke up on Saturday morning it was clear and warm. We all helped decorate the yard. We tied pink ribbons around the swing tree and set pots of pink flowers in Fudge's garden.

Sheila and Libby showed how creative they could be by sewing beads and ribbons all over their jeans and T-shirts. At the last minute Sheila decided we should dress up our animals, too. She tied a pink satin bow around Jake's neck. Then she asked me to tie one around Turtle's.

"You do it," I said. "I'm not that good with bows."

143

"I can't do it," Sheila said.

"Why not?"

"You know..." "Because he's too smelly and disgusting for you to touch?" "He's not that smelly anymore."

"Then why can't you do it?"

Sheila took a deep breath. "All right," she said. "I'll do it. But you have to hold him still."

I think Sheila's still scared of Turtle, but now that he and Jake are going to be stepdogs, she's making an effort to get along with him. Turtle wasn't crazy about having a pink satin bow tied around his neck. He tried to eat it.

Next, Sheila decorated Uncle Feather's cage.

"Ole!" she said, snapping her fingers.

"Olay..." he answered.

The guests began to arrive at ten-thirty. Big wore his Red Sox uniform, but not his spikes. He gave Grandma and Buzzy Senior an autographed baseball for a wedding present. Mitzi brought them a bottle of monster spray, just in case. And she had one for Fudge, too. "Grandma just made it," she said, "so it's nice and fresh."

Actually, the bride and groom got a lot of interesting gifts. Matching bike helmets from Bicycle Bob. A book called
How to Survive Your First Year of Marriage
from Isobel.

144

A set of hand-painted rocks from Sheila and Libby. A painting called
Baby Feet Go to a Wedding
from Mr. Fargo. The only copy in the entire world of
Tell Me a Fudge,
by Farley Drexel Hatcher. And a twenty-five-foot banner from Jimmy and me. We'd been working on it all week. It said:

WHO CAN EXPLAIN IT, WHO CAN TELL YOU WHY?

MURIEL AND BUZZY

AUGUST 28

SOUTHWEST HARBOR, MAINE

Grandma and Buzzy Senior liked it a lot, even though we forgot to include the year. Grandma said it was better that way.

Just before the ceremony Fudge asked Mitzi to help him be the Ring Bear. He showed her the lace pillow with the gold wedding bands resting on it. Then he whispered something in her ear and they giggled.

The judge was the last one to arrive. She pulled up in a shiny red pickup truck, wearing her judge's robe. She looked familiar. But I couldn't remember where I'd seen her until she said, "What are you doing here, junior?" It was
When in
Rome.

"You're the judge?" I said.

"That's right, junior."

"My name is
Peter,"
I told her. "Not
junior.
And my grandmother is the bride."

145

"Well, isn't that something!" she said. "I hope you behave yourself today."

"When in
Rome..." I told her.

This time she laughed.

The ceremony began a few minutes after eleven. The bride wore a white jogging suit. She bought it at the sports store where Fudge got his
mitt-sy
. She had a pink flower tucked behind her ear. The groom wore a black jogging suit. He had a pink flower pinned to his sweatshirt. They kept smiling at each other.

When in Rome
started off by reading some love poem. I almost laughed, because I had this picture in my mind of her playing first base in her judge's robe. Then she got down to the important stuff, like the
Do you take...
question. She asked Grandma first.
"Do you take this man to be

your lawfully wedded husband?"

Grandma said,
"I do."

After that Buzzy Senior was supposed to place the ring on her finger. But just as he was about to take it from the lace pillow, the Ring Bear and his helper sang, "Surprise!" And they started twirling, holding the pillow between them.

We were surprised all right. Because as they twirled, the rings flew off the pillow and landed somewhere in the grass. "Oh oh...
"
the Ring Bear said.

146

Everyone got down on their hands and knees to search.

"Suppose we can't find them?" Sheila asked. "Can Muriel and Grandpa still get married?"

"Don't worry,"
When in Rome
said. "I'm here to marry them one way or another."

"Here's one!" Dorothy of Oz called, holding up a gold band.

It took a few more minutes before Bicycle Bob found the other.

"Okay,"
When in Rome
said. "Let's give it another try. And this time, no surprises!" She looked at Mitzi and the Ring Bear.

"But surprises are fun!" Mitzi said.

"Next time you try that kind of surprise you're going to get a big surprise from me!" she told them.

They got the message.

On the second try everything worked.
When in Rome
pronounced Grandma and Buzzy Senior husband and wife. Then they kissed and everyone cheered. Well, almost everyone. A few people, like Mom, got teary-eyed.

The wedding barbecue was a huge success. Big helped Dad and Mr. Tubman tend the grills. Tony Ickle had brought gallons of ice cream. And Mrs. A had baked a blueberry wedding cake. So we all wound up with blue teeth. All except Fudge. He still won't go near a blueberry.

146

147

The party lasted for hours. Everyone was having too much fun to go home. Finally, the bride and groom fell asleep on lawn chairs. I knew how they felt because I was pooped out, too. Only the
Fudge-a-maniacs
were still going strong.

Sheila yawned and sat next to me on the porch steps. "Wasn't that the most beautiful wedding?" she asked.

"Yeah." I said. "It was the best wedding I've ever seen." It was also the
only
wedding I've ever seen.