From The Wreckage (16 page)

Jules knows he’s right, though she tries to deny it. Stuart moved to town from California and his long, blond surfer hair and style blew away half the girls at school, but he wasn't interested in any of them. He was all about football, and Jules was all about waiting patiently until he changed his mind.

West: Whatever, past is past. Then you sat on that bench Friday night and you were alone for a change. Do you know how often you're alone? Not very. I couldn’t help speaking to you

West: Side note: I think it was that sweet little skirt. Whose idea was it to make cheerleading skirts so short? I need to thank them. Your legs look so sexy in that skirt

West: So there you were, alone and sexy, and I spoke. Then...well you know

West: This is like a confessional. Maybe I need to write in a journal or something

West: Wow. Did I just think about writing in a journal? Grief counseling 101

West: So I miss you

West: I swear my hand tingles waiting to touch yours again

West: What did you do to me Buffy? I'm not that guy

One by one as each text comes, Jules alternates between laughter and tears. She moans and gasps at their content, and each one chisels away the already very thin, weak wall she tries to erect around her heart where he is concerned. When they stop coming, she scrolls back and counts. Twenty. That’s all of them, and now she has so many things she wants to say back…but first things first.

Jules: You're not what guy??

West: The guy who makes a play for someone else’s girl

Jules: Oh

Jules: What if I wasn't someone’s girl?

There is a pause. Her hands begin to sweat as she grips the phone tightly and waits for his reply.

West: You'll always be someone’s girl

Jules: ?

West: If you're not his girl then you'll be mine!

Jules feels the melting she mentioned to her mom earlier. Oh double chocolate chunk brownie goodness, does she feel the
melting
!

Jules: ...

West: Like I said you'll always be someone’s girl. I’d prefer you were mine but I won’t steal you from him

Jules: I need time

West: Remember Buffy and Spike?

Jules: Yeah, enemies. At first

West: Exactly

Jules: Never in my life have I read twenty text messages that made me feel the way those do

West: I feel like a girl

West: No offense

Jules: Ha, none taken. West...

West: Yeah?

Jules: I miss you too

West: How can we spend four years barely speaking and it doesn’t matter but we spend one night in hell and suddenly I want to be with you every moment?

Jules: Stress, ptsd?

West: Uh oh, did they get you into grief counseling too?

Jules: Not yet, but it’s been mentioned. My dad was talking to my mom about ptsd...apparently a lot of people have it right now

West: Do you think that’s what this is then? With us?

Jules: ?

West: So we take time then?

Jules: Okay, time

West: I'll see you tomorrow

Jules: You better, I'm going to need you

West: You'll have Stuart

Jules: Yeah, I know and he’s great but I figured something out today

West: What’s that?

Jules: YOU are my anchor

Her phone vibrates and she answers without a word.

"Are you kidding me, Jules! Do we
have
to take time? Dump him and be my girl."

"West..."

"No, don't you
West
me. Ask Jeff
—
he'll tell you! I've been crazy about you for years...I don't
want
to bide my time anymore." Jules bites her lip at his angry voice.
Stupid,
stupid!
she scolds herself. "Damn it, I'm sorry," he apologizes after a brief pause.

"No, don't be sorry. I shouldn't-"

"You just...you can't
say
things like that to me." She hears him take a deep breath before he continues. "I'm trying to take the high road here, but I don't really owe Stuart jack, so if you press too hard I
will
break."

"I'm sorry," she murmurs, and feels the tears start to build again. What is she doing? Stuart doesn’t deserve this, and West sure as heck doesn’t deserve it, either.
Gah!
she screams mentally and has the sudden urge to punch something. "Truly, I shouldn't have-"

"Jules, don't apologize for your feelings. You're stressed. Take some time and things will get back to normal."

It sounds as if he’s blowing her off, the way he said 'things will get back to normal', so she doesn’t reply at all.

"Okay, get some sleep then."

"I’ll try. You too," she drawls.

"Goodnight, Buffy."

"Goodnight, Spike."

Fifteen

"I don't talk about this very often. The day of your
—
sorry, Tanya's
—
funeral." Jules thinks back to that day. Her knees were shaking so bad when she got up to speak her eulogy, she thought she might fall on her face as she stepped up the three small steps to the pulpit.

"The church was packed, the same as it had been for every funeral I'd been to that week. Your beautiful white casket sat at the front of the church, draped with purple flowers. I remember I didn't know what type they were, but I could smell them from the pulpit. They tickled my nose."

She rubs her nose at the memory and pictures the enlarged portrait Tanya's parents set up on a gold easel by the 'head' of the casket in her mind. It was from the senior portrait session Tanya had only a few weeks earlier. By the foot stood a large picture of Tanya, Katie and herself at a football game; their huge blue and white bows sticking up, spirit paint on their cheeks. And then another picture of her with her entire family, laughing at something off-camera.

Picturing those happy scenes makes it easier for her to forge ahead and tell the story of Tanya's funeral.

* * *

"Once upon a time there were three little girls. These little girls walked into their Kindergarten classroom having never met. They walked out of it best friends for life. You see, they all had something in common." Jules stops and looks at the casket with a small smile. "They all wore the same purple 'Hello Kitty' backpack slung across their little shoulders." The crowd chuckles lightly as she finishes. “Kindred spirits they were, from day one."

She slides a few inches to the left and Katie starts to speak.

"Through grade school, these little girls remained the best of friends. They begged their parents to put them in the same dance classes, and they played soccer together…somewhat miserably, I might add." Another wave of soft laughter runs through the crowd at the joke. "They took tumbling and cheerleading together. They were inseparable."

"Middle school came and went, and never did a day go by where these best friends didn't speak. They talked about boys, T.V. shows and how to pass Ms. Simpson's Algebra class in the eighth grade. See, there was something special about these girls."

Katie clears her throat and Jules squeezes her hand as she finishes her part of the speech. "It didn't matter what came along, they weren’t about to let anything come between them. Tanya was too hardheaded for that. The most formidable of the three, she never backed down from her two best friends. She was the glue that kept them all together when something threatened to tear them apart."

"You see, we are two of those little girls. Me and Katie. Tanya..." Jules stops and swallows hard before looking over at Tanya's family and scanning the faces of friends from school; the other cheerleaders from their squad, the football players. Her gaze runs past Ruben and Tommy. Tommy, who was the last one with her that fateful night. Jeff sits next to Tommy, and next to Jeff she locates West. She didn’t see him before the funeral started. She knew he was there somewhere because he said he would be, but laying eyes on him...well, that makes her close her eyes briefly. When she opens them again, he nods. It’s almost imperceptible, a small nod of support, but it’s a small shot of the strength only he can provide, and she continues. "Tanya was our third. We were more than best friends, we were sisters. And now there are two where there should be three."

"Tanya hated goodbyes,” Katie says. “She told us after her grandfather's funeral several years ago that she never wanted to say goodbye again. Said it was too sad; too permanent. So today instead of saying goodbye to our beautiful friend, we'll say, ‘Until we meet again’”. Katie recites her last line and looks over at Jules to finish.

"Tanya, until we meet again, Katie and I will continue to hold you in our hearts and in our lives. There hasn’t been an event in our lives where you weren't one of the first to know, and now you’ll
always
be the first. We both know full well
you
are the angel on our side in everything we do. How lucky we are to have you watching over us. I'd rather have you here with me, but..." Tears begin to clog Jules’ throat as she speaks. "If we can't have you here, there’s no one we'd rather have on our side up there than you. I love you, Tanya. I miss you my best friend…my sister."

Katie and Jules walk around and down to the casket where they stop. Their backs to the crowd, they both place their hands on Tanya's casket as the song they picked for Tanya starts to play in the background. They picked the song 'You'll Be In My Heart' by Phil Collins from the movie ‘Tarzan’. When they were little, they used to watch it all the time and sing into their little karaoke radios. They wrap their arms around each other's waists and hug for a moment before heading over to Tanya's parents and hugging them, her older sister and then her extended family as their song plays on.

Hand in hand, they walk around to their seat on the second pew. Tanya's parents had insisted they sit with the family. When she sits down she looks two rows back, where her parents sit with Jason snuggled in between them. Katie's mom sits next to Jules, and she smiles at them as they take their seats.

The rest of the service goes by quickly. Jules stares at the casket the entire time, her arm linked with Katie's, as they listen to Tanya's childhood Sunday school teacher speak. A final hymn plays and then it is over. The family is escorted out first, with Jules and Katie following behind. As she passes the row with the boys, they all send sad smiles at her. West is on the far end, but he leans forward and catches her eye for one brief moment as she passes.

Near the back of the church she finally locates Stuart and her stomach flips. He is in the first seat of the row, next to his parents. He leans towards his mom and whispers something before he stands. When they are about five pews away, he steps out into the aisle to meet her and pulls her into his arms. Katie pulls away as Jules’ arms go around Stuart's shoulders. She buries her head in his neck and the dam of tears bursts forth. They aren’t loud, unruly sobs, but soft tears flowing down her cheeks.

"You did so good, doll," he whispers into her ear and tightens his arms around her back.

Jules can tell by the noise passing her, the quiet chatter and sniffling, that people are starting to leave the chapel, but she remains pressed against his neck as he tries to edge out of the aisle. There is a graveside burial to head to next, and although she’s supposed to ride with her parents, suddenly she wants to stay with Stuart.

"Jules, we need to head out," he prods, and pulls her arms from his neck gently. "Can I ride with you?"

She nods and wipes away the tears as she looks beyond his shoulder at his parents. Jules offers Stuart's parents a small wave before they step out into the bright sunlight to find her parents. Stuart's arm rests along her waist; his hand resting on her hip as they stand in a makeshift receiving line. She spots Katie, and together they stand and accept warm words from mourners and several hugs from teachers and coaches as they leave the chapel.

When most of her cheerleading squad walks up, they all step into a group hug. Everyone has red eyes and tissues in their hands, and Jules listens as they speak about one thing or another that stood out to them from the service. Behind her, Jules hears masculine voices and turns to see Ruben and some of the team talking with Stuart.

She excuses herself and steps away from her squad to sneak behind Stuart, where Tommy is standing quietly. His eyes widen when he spots her, and he takes a step forward.

"You did a good job," he offers as she stops before him. "Tanya would have been proud."

Jules huffs. "No, she wouldn't have. She would've threatened to slap us for being all sappy and sentimental."

Tommy chokes on a smile. "You're probably right."

She looks at the black cast he wears on his arm. She doesn’t know everything that happened Friday, but she knows they ran, and when they realized they couldn't outrun the tornado they threw themselves in a culvert with a large group of other students.