From Glowing Embers (25 page)

“I
am
in your life. I’m your husband.”

She wanted to tell him a piece of paper meant nothing, but a voice from the other side of the room stopped her. “Julianna?”

She turned and saw that Jody was sitting up, rubbing her eyes.

“Julianna?”

“I’m right here, honey. Gray’s here, too. Did we wake you up?”

“I had a dream.” Jody sniffed, obviously upset. “A bad dream!”

Julianna and Gray exchanged worried, guilty glances.

“My mommy and daddy were fighting,” Jody went on. “I could hear them.”

Julianna went to her side and sat on the edge of the bed. She held out her arms, and Jody snuggled against her. “It was just a dream,” Julianna told her, wrapping her arms tightly around Jody’s back. “You heard us talking while you were asleep, and that made you dream about your mommy and daddy.”

Gray sat down on the other side of the bed and began to stroke Jody’s hair. He didn’t look at Julianna. This was how they would have sat with Ellie. This was what they had lost.

“My daddy got mad, and he started to hit my mommy,” Jody said, her voice breaking. “And I ran away.”

“You miss your mommy, and you’re worried about her. It was just a dream,” Julianna soothed her.

“No it wasn’t.”

Before Julianna could deny the little girl’s words, Gray cupped Jody’s chin in his hand and turned her head. “That happened a long time ago,” he told her. “Your daddy and mommy don’t live together anymore, Jody. He can’t hurt your mommy again.”

Jody sighed, as if Gray’s words calmed some deep fear inside her. “I wish my daddy was like you, Gray,” she said sleepily.

Julianna badly wanted to cry. She’d known little about the circumstances of Jody’s presence in Hawaii, but the little girl’s fears told more of the story. “We’re going to take care of you,” Julianna promised. “Gray and I will take care of you, and then your mommy will come.”

“Stay here,” Jody said, her eyelids drooping shut. “Don’t go.” She fell asleep again as soon as the last word was out of her mouth.

Julianna and Gray looked at each other in the flickering candlelight. “This is the way it would have been,” he said at last, voicing the sentiment for both of them.

“Don’t.”

“You and me and our child. A family.”

“How can you?” she whispered.

He bent and kissed the little girl’s cheek before sliding off the bed to his feet. “I can say it,” he said, “because it could be that way someday again.”

“No.”

“Think about it, Julie Ann.”

“Julie Ann is gone, Gray.”

He loomed over her, as if gathering his patience, but when he spoke, his voice was calm. “I hope you like living with Julianna, then, sweetheart, because if you’re afraid to feel anything besides fear, she’s all the company you’re going to have in the years to come.”

He turned, leaving his candle burning beside hers on the table. When he closed the door, both flames flickered, then died in the resulting draft.

Julianna, left with Jody in the darkness, wondered if she had finally cheated the Fates, or if they had just won the ultimate victory.

JULIANNA WOKE JODY
at five-thirty. The little girl had responded to the intensifying scream of the wind by tossing fitfully. By the time Julianna finally got her up, she already seemed to have become aware that the hurricane was on its way. She nodded, her eyes large and frightened, and followed Julianna into the den without comment.

Gray was there when they arrived, arranging furniture as far away from the few windows as possible. He comforted Jody but ignored Julianna.

Julianna knew his actions were for the best, but she felt the loss. In the last few days she had reluctantly begun to count on Gray. With his support gone, she was as alone as one person could be in a houseful of other people.

Paige came to help, and Dillon appeared a little later, only to disappear after a whispered conversation with Gray. By the time the three remaining adults had dragged in extra furniture, set up an emergency supply of food and drinks, and filled the corners with blankets, flashlights, radios and pillows, Paige’s den looked as if Eve had already been there and gone. They had worked quickly, hoping to make the room as cozy as they could for Jody, whose courage seemed to fail in proportion to the fury of the winds.

“She’s being as brave as a sleepy kid can be,” Julianna assured Paige, who seemed bewildered by the little girl’s tears.

“I don’t have the faintest idea what to do with one of those,” Paige admitted quietly, inclining her head toward Jody, who was sitting in a corner on Gray’s lap, her arms around his neck as they listened to the latest weather bulletin. “I can face down bank presidents and senators and IRS agents without blinking, but a kid?” She shuddered, as if that kind of courage was beyond her.

Julianna started toward the kitchen for another load of supplies, and Paige followed. “You don’t have to know anything,” Julianna said. “You were a kid once.”

“Never.” Paige lifted one corner of her mouth in a faint smile. “Neither were you. Don’t you recognize a fellow sufferer?”

Julianna realized that again, Paige was offering her the hand of friendship. “You really believe we have something in common, don’t you?”

“We do. We love the same man, even if we love him in a different way.”

“I don’t love Gray.”

“You know, for a smart woman, you’re not acting very smart.”

Julianna wondered how Paige could deliver an insult so impassively. “You must have had a lifetime of practice at telling people off to do it with so little enthusiasm,” she said dryly.

“Let’s just say I give advice freely but rarely take it.” Paige touched Julianna’s arm, and her fingers lay there in emphasis as she spoke her next words. “If you think I’m not hurting, you’re wrong, but I can see beyond it. You’re hurting, too, but the hurt is all you see. That’s one of our differences.”

“This is pointless.”

“You have to learn the hard way.” Paige smiled a little. “I recognize that. Another similarity.”

Julianna wanted to be angry at Paige, but all she could feel was reluctant admiration. Paige was trying to be fair, even generous. Despite herself, Julianna smiled, too. “I don’t know why you want to be my friend.”

“Neither do I.”

“You’re being a lot nicer than I would be.”

“I’m being a lot nicer than I
am.”
Paige made a face. “I can hardly believe it.”

This time Julianna laughed, and the sound surprised both of them.

They were interrupted by Dillon. Clad in an oilskin coat he had unearthed from one of his suitcases, he stomped into the kitchen from the lanai, using every bit of his strength to close the door behind him. His appearance sobered the women immediately.

“What on earth were you doing outside?” Julianna asked, moving quickly to his side to help him take off the coat. “Anybody tell you a hurricane’s coming?”

“There was nothing for it. We needed one last look around.” Dillon ran one hand through the curls plastered to his head. “I’ve seen dust so thick it could choke a roo, but I’ve never seen anything like that rain. It’s coming down sideways.”

Despite his attempt to make light of what was happening, Julianna could see he was worried. “What did you have to check on?”

“I just wanted to be certain the ground around the house was clear.”

Julianna knew he and Gray had spent time the day before doing just that. “And?”

His hazel eyes were troubled. “The big tree in the back, the one that had little rosy flowers before the storm blew them away—”

“The cannon ball tree,” Julianna told him.

“Right good name for a tree bent on destruction.”

“You’re afraid it’s going to fall?” Paige asked. “It’s a big tree. It seems like it ought to survive.”

“It’s a big tree,” Dillon agreed. “It’s also an old tree.” He took a towel Julianna had gotten for him and mopped his face. “Let’s just hope it has a chance to get a bit older.”

“Where would it land if it fell?”

“At the moment the wind’s blowing away from the house. If it falls now, it’ll fall toward your neighbor’s back lot.”

“Do you think the wind will change?”

“After the eye passes, it’s a dead cert.”

“And if it falls then?”

“If we’ve got a bit of luck, it’ll fall across the workshop and just miss the roof of the house. This part of the house should be off limits, though. In case the tree pays a call.”

“But you think the den’s safe?”

“As near as I can tell, if the tree aims itself right at the den, it’ll still miss.”

“Julianna?”

Julianna looked up and say Gray in the kitchen doorway. “Where’s Jody?” she asked.

“I’ve got her cuddled up in a nest of pillows writing down background for her novel. It’ll keep her busy for a few minutes.”

Paige looked back and forth from Julianna to Gray, then shrugged. “I’ll go stay with her. But don’t be too long. I’m not sure which frightens me more, Jody or the storm.”

Dillon picked up his oilskin and slung it over one arm. “I’m going to go change. Might as well stay as dry as possible.”

Julianna watched Paige and Dillon go. “Did you want me for something?” she asked when she and Gray were alone.

“You’ve been avoiding me.”

“I thought you were avoiding me.”

One corner of his mouth lifted, but he didn’t comment. “Jody’s going to need us both. I don’t want her upset by any strange vibrations between us.”

“Of course.”

“She’s a smart little girl. Somehow she’s picked up the fact that we’re married.”

“I suppose that was inevitable.”

“She asked me if married people are always mad at each other.”

Julianna felt her heart turn over at the pathetic piece of wisdom. “What did you tell her?”

“Not the truth, that’s for damn sure.”

“I’ve seen good marriages.” Julianna lifted her eyes to his. “Some very good ones.”

Gray wondered if she really believed her own words. “My parents? Your parents? Our own?” he added after a pause.

“Ours just wasn’t meant to be.”

“You know,” he said gently, “if you blame everything on fate, it absolves you of a lot of responsibility.”

“Why should what I think matter to you?”

“I can’t hide the truth from myself anymore. I’ve talked about forgiveness and moving on since I saw you on the plane, but I’m standing in this kitchen with a hurricane about ready to blow us to kingdom come, and I’ve finally realized I came to Hawaii for one reason. You still matter to me,” he said softly.

Julianna had seen Gray’s eyes darken and change from the purest gray, to silver. His struggle had been clear, his reason less so, but only because she had refused to let herself see it. She stepped away before he could touch her. “I’m going to check on Jody.”

“You’re running.”

“Maybe I am.”

“You feel what’s still between us, don’t you?”

“I’ve got nothing to offer you.”

His eyes claimed and held hers. He said nothing.

She tried to make him understand. “I can’t offer love, because I don’t even know what it is anymore. I can’t offer happily-ever-after, because I don’t believe one exists for me. I can’t offer children, because I’ll never take that chance again.” She swallowed hard to keep from breaking into tears. “Can’t you understand and leave me in peace?”

“Is that what you want to settle for?”

“It’s more than I’ve had until now.”

“And you think you’ll find peace when this is over?”

“I hope so.”

He stepped aside, watching as she moved past. “Will you find peace knowing that, thousands of miles away, I’m looking for it, too?” he asked when she reached the door.

“Please, Gray, don’t.” She left him standing in the kitchen, his tarnished silver eyes gazing at the spot where she had been.

BY SEVEN, JULIANNA
felt as if the wind shaking the house was howling inside her. Perhaps she could have withstood the elemental onslaught if there hadn’t been an emotional onslaught, too. True to his word, for Jody’s benefit, Gray was treating her as if nothing had happened between them. but Julianna could feel the questions that lay between them, the way she could feel the howling wind.

Taking Dillon’s words to heart, they fixed a meager breakfast in the den, declaring the kitchen off limits. They played Go Fish while they munched on peanut butter sandwiches and drank the last of the milk. Restless, Jody climbed from Gray’s lap to Julianna’s and back again, asking repeatedly when the hurricane was going to be over.

Each of the adults showed the tension in different ways. Paige fidgeted with a lock of hair that fell neatly across one eyebrow. Somehow the uncharacteristic gesture flawed her perfect beauty and made her more human.

Dillon looked relaxed, but there was an underlying watchfulness that communicated his readiness for action if it became necessary. Julianna suspected the rugged Australian could go from his present relaxed sprawl on the rug to a ready-for-action stance in less than a second.

Gray turned his attention to Jody, ignoring the storm unless she talked about it, then patiently nodding while she expressed her fright. His only signs of tension were the starkness of his eyes and the grim line of his mouth.

As the storm built, Julianna found it harder to pretend that nothing was wrong. She would never shake the feeling that the purpose of every storm was to remind her how easily love and life can be destroyed. She knew, though, that she had to act as if the storm was an annoyance, a temporary nuisance that would soon be gone. Turned inside, her fear broke through in subtle ways. Each banshee shriek of the wind made her stomach twist and turn.

By seven-thirty the roar of the wind and clatter of the rain grew so loud that normal conversation was impossible. The adults shouted to each other, trying to make a game out of dramatizing their words to keep Jody occupied until she covered her ears and shut her eyes, too scared to be entertained anymore.

Julianna felt a lump in her throat as the little girl withdrew. She blinked back tears, looking at Gray in mute misery. To her surprise, he was watching her, and she knew from his expression that he understood. He reached for her hand, and, wordlessly, she moved closer, too upset to worry about the consequences. Dillon and Paige moved closer, too, and Julianna felt her other hand gripped in Dillon’s.