From Comfortable Distances (40 page)

Lyla sped up so that Tess
had to move faster to keep up with her.

“Do you ever wonder if
you’ve somehow infused your desire to be part of the religious order onto Neal?”
Tess said.

“That’s ridiculous,” Lyla
said. She was moving quickly across the streets now. In a few moments, she
would be back at her house.

“What I wanted and what I
want for Neal are two different things,” Lyla said.

“What do you want for
Neal, Mrs. Clay?” Tess said.

“I want him to live the
life he was meant to live, free of
complications
,” she said.

“You’re insinuating that
I’m a
complication
?” Tess said.

Lyla paused when she
reached her home, turning to face Tess. The ivy bordering the windows made the
house look ominous, as if a giant winged creature would perch on the sill at
any moment and torment Tess.

Lyla looked down at the
ground before her eyes met Tess’s. She looked tired, worn out, and Tess
wondered what it was going on in that brain of hers. Could her whole life
revolve around Neal right now, his staying or going, or did she have other issues
that pulled at her?

“I don’t think it’s
unrealistic to believe that if Neal wouldn’t have met you, he might have gone
back to the monastery by now,” Lyla said.

“Which wouldn’t mean it’s
the right thing for him. For all you and I know, Neal was never meant to be a
monk. Who knows? Whatever Neal chooses, that will be what’s right for him
because now, today, this time in his life is still unscripted,” Tess said.

Lyla shook her head. “He
doesn’t want to let you down, Tess.”

“Maybe it’s you he
doesn’t want to let down. Maybe he thinks he needs to be at the monastery
because of you.”

“I think we both want the
same thing,” Lyla said.

“And what do you think
that is?” Tess said.

“To get through the days,”
Lyla said.

“No complications, right?”
Tess said.

“Precisely,” Lyla said. “Go
on, now. You have to get to work, I have to get ready to get to the nursing
home and Neal will be coming home any minute.”

 “Mrs. Clay?” Tess said.

“Lyla.”

“Lyla,” Tess said.  “I
still think it’s never too late.”

“Are you talking to me,
or to yourself, Tess?”

She held Lyla’s eyes. She
didn’t recognize her as the same woman she had met weeks back at her home. That
woman had struck her as impossible, asleep. This new Lyla that was emerging was
assured, awake.

“Maybe both of us. What I
do know is that every time I thought I was done with whatever I thought I was
done with, I wasn’t,” Tess said.

“My life has turned out
exactly as it was meant to turn out,” Lyla said.

“Are you happy?” Tess
said.

“Life is about hard work,
faith, duty, right and wrong.” Lyla held her screen door ajar.

With just a little push,
Tess could make her way in, take a look inside.

“But if you’re not happy,
the hard work and faith and duty are meaningless,” Tess said.

“To you with your
hedonistic ways, that would be the case.”

“You seek the security of
knowing you’re living a morally righteous life, but where will that get you?”
Tess asked.

“It will get me to
heaven!”

“That’s what you hope,
but you don’t know. None of us do,” Tess said.

 “We can discuss your theories
during our walk tomorrow morning. 7:00 am sharp,” Lyla said, and Tess thought
she sensed a smirk on her face. With that, Lyla pushed open her wooden door and
walked inside, shutting Tess out.

Tess screeched into the
Best Realty lot, maneuvering her way into her parking spot and stopping short
so that the folders on the seat beside her slid to the floor. She tossed her
keys in her bag, checked her lipstick in the rearview mirror, and leaned down
for her fallen folders before she opened her car door and stumbled out. Either
she was getting old or her high heels were getting to be ridiculous.

“Sounds like it’s time to
bring your car in for brakes,” Michael said. He was waiting by the building’s
side door.

“A welcoming committee.
How thoughtful of you,” Tess said.

“I was actually getting
some air,” Michael said. “Couldn’t resist—such a gorgeous morning. Unlike you,
I don’t take an hour stroll around the neighborhood each morning—someone has
got to get into the office first thing to take care of business,” Michael said.

Tess rolled her eyes and
shook her head before she took in the sky: pale blue with not a cloud in sight.
The brisk air made her feel excited, awake. September had set in with its boundless
energy and optimism.

“It certainly is a
beautiful day.”

“We could play hooky, go
into the city,” Michael said. “Hang around Central Park. What do you say?”

He had on his European
charcoal grey slacks and a navy button down with his black Sergio Ferragamo
loafers and matching belt—his casual, yet collected look, as he liked to put
it. It was funny to her that she knew his wardrobe, knew his actions, his
expressions as well as she did. Sometimes, like now, when she was near him, she
couldn’t believe that she’d slept next to him for a few years of her life. Once
she had been passionate with him and now he was just a friend, a work partner,
a buddy.

“Earth to Tess?” he said,
slicing the air between them with his hand.

His graying hair was
longer than usual, the bangs straying onto his face—she knew it was only a
matter of days before he cut it short again, but she liked it. He looked freer,
sexier. He was a good-looking man. A sweet man when he chose to be. She smiled
and he smiled back at her. She couldn’t imagine picking up the pants he had on
from the cleaners, getting dressed beside him. She couldn’t imagine any of it,
and yet it had all occurred in the not so distant past. Going home with him
from work, sitting beside him at the kitchen table. So many chapters to a life.
So many routes to take. Who was she to say what was the wrong route, the right
route?

“You’re thinking about
playing hooky with me,” Michael said. “I can see it in those mysterious eyes of
yours. You’re considering a day in the city with your favorite guy.”

“Some of us have to work
for a living, Michael,” Tess said.

“That’s a no,” Michael
said.

“Not today,” Tess said.

“You’re no fun,” Michael
said.

“Who said life was
supposed to be fun?” Tess said.

Michael followed her in.

“I suppose you want me to
make you coffee?” he said as they made their way to her office.

“I wouldn’t think of it,”
Tess said.

“You know it’s already
brewing,” Michael said.

“That’s one of the
reasons you get paid the big bucks,” Tess said.

Michael stood in her
office doorway as she took her suit blazer off. One minute she was cold, the
next minute she was hot. Welcome to middle age, she thought.

“Anything else?” she
said, pulling out her plush swivel chair.

“How’s yoga training?”
Michael said.

Tess sat down in her chair
and stretched her arms and hands tall. “It’s moving along I suppose.”

“You know you never
thanked me for getting you to a yoga class in the first place,” Michael said.

“You got me there, my
friend, but certainly were not the inspiration for me to keep going. Remind me,
how many classes did you attend after that first one?” Tess said.

“Got your point. But, if
you should ever teach, you can bet on me being in attendance.”

“I won’t hold my breath,”
Tess said.

“That would be against
yogic principles—holding your breath,” Michael said.

“Is there something you
need?” Tess said.

“I heard from your son,”
Michael said.

“Great,” Tess said. “When
he reaches out to you it usually means trouble.”

Michael moved into her
office and sat down across from her. “He thinks that you’ve lost it with this
monk affair. He wanted to hear from me that you’re not totally insane.”

Tess slammed her hand on
the folder in front of her. “If he thinks I lost it, it’s no doubt because of
the ridiculousness you tell him.”

“I tell him the
truth—that I don’t know a lot about the guy. Other than that his mother seems
nuts.”

“She’s actually a nice
woman,” Tess said. “I’ve been walking with her in the mornings now.”

“Just when I think you’ve
shocked me as much as possible, you manage to outdo yourself,” Michael said.

“Thank you,” Tess said.

“Let me get this
straight. While the monk runs, you’ve taken up walking with his mother?”
Michael said.

“Did you ever hear of
going with the flow?” Tess said.

“You’ve given that
expression a whole new meaning,” Michael said. “Perhaps I’ll come out and join
the two of you tomorrow morning.”

“Don’t you even think
about that Michael,” Tess said.

“Look at you, getting all
bent out of shape,” Michael said.

“She knows who you are.
She already thinks of me as a man-izer. The last thing she needs is to hear how
we interact,” Tess said.

“How is it that we
interact, Tess?”

“Michael, what else did
you tell Prakash, so that I know how to mitigate the damage?”

“He wishes that you’d
leave Brooklyn and head out west. He thinks it would do you good,” Michael
said.

“Of course he forgets I
run a business,” Tess said.

“That’s true,” Michael
said. He was playing her desk with his fingers, his eyes intent on hers.

“So,” Tess said. “Anything
I should know in terms of business?”

Michael shook his head. “Everything
is moving along. We’re busy.”

“Very good,” Tess said.
She had logged on to her computer and was opening up email.

“Is that your way of
dismissing me?” Michael said.

“We are at work,” Tess
said. “Things need to get done.”

Michael stood up.

“Tess?”

“Yes?”

Do you plan on seeing
this guy much longer?” Michael said.

“Michael, last I checked,
I don’t own a crystal ball,” Tess said.

“So you’re going to keep
romancing him,” Michael said.

She turned away from her
computer to face him. There were times, like now, when she didn’t know how much
she could trust him with, when it was better to stay quiet.

“I think he’ll be going
back to the monastery,” Tess said.

“Wow. That one caught me
off guard,” Michael said.

“It’s just a hunch I
have. I don’t know if that’s what’s going to happen. God knows it’s what his
mother wants to happen,” Tess said.

“I can’t imagine anyone
wanting to leave you,” Michael said.

“It’s about Neal and his
life. He has his own responsibilities and commitments. It’s not about me.”

He nodded. Phones were
ringing down the hall and Tess heard the agents talking in the kitchen. Best
Reality was coming to life for the day.

“I know, I know,” he
said. “You have to get to work.” He winked at her and was out of her office.

The roof to the low-rise medical
building adjacent to Tess’s office seemed like a great escape route. Only what
was she looking to escape? Sometimes all of it seemed so ridiculous to her.
Life. Taking herself so seriously. She wasn’t sure how she arrived at this here
and now. Part of her was relieved that she got to start over again each day,
but there was also a part of her that wondered what the point was to starting
over if the same issues kept coming up. Work, relationships: it all seemed to
be one big circle. A stray cat sauntered along on the street below, stopping to
sniff the grass and then moving into a downward facing dog, before it rolled
onto its back. Tess reclined her head back in her chair and closed her eyes.
Relationships on the whole exhausted her. All the wondering, the not knowing,
the detective work that the mind employed.

And yet, no matter how much the same
issues did come up in her life, it intrigued her that each of the days was so
different. Days were reminiscent of one another—she recognized feelings of
loneliness and fatigue and doubt and joy and love—but the ingredients of each
day were so unique. She had the power to change the direction a day was taking,
to take a different approach, try something new. She wished she remembered that
more.
Joy was a choice
. Her mother used to say that to her. Joy was a
choice. And if that thought failed to inspire, she reminded herself that
whatever she was thinking or feeling was only right now.

She gathered the folders on her desk
in front of her and the folder with the study sheets Kim had made for the
comprehensive yoga teacher-training exam fell out of the bunch. She fingered
through the sheets and smiled. Anatomy, asanas, Sanskrit, philosophy. It seemed
like too much for any person to know in the midst of all else there was to know
in life. She couldn’t imagine ever having to go back and relearn all she knew
about real estate, or life, relationships. And now she was trying to master the
whole yoga thing. For who and for what? That’s the question that came to her.
Wasn’t it enough to just do yoga? Did she really need to know all this stuff?
She tried to imagine what her mother would say and now her phone was ringing
and she was sure it was something or other about work and she wished that she
could float away from it all. Work, this life, the tasks she busied herself
with all day. She wished it would be her mother calling, only she didn’t know
what it was she wanted to say. That was the strangest thing about someone you
loved being gone—there was no way to reach them. She was sure her mother would
smile at Tess in her incredulous way, insinuating that Tess was missing the
obvious: that of course she could talk to her and that communication had
nothing to do with a phone. But at importune times, Tess was a realist—there
was only so much she could sit around talking to herself.

Her admin Lynn was asking her to pick
up line one and then she was doing just that, mechanically, not hearing who it
was. It took her a few minutes to register the voice on the line.

“Luke,” she said.

“I hope that it’s okay I called you
here,” he said.

“Sure,” she said.

“You gave me your card when we
crossed paths at the yoga studio.”

“Right, I must have,” she said. “Actually,
I had wanted to ask you something,” Tess said. “The flyer for the teacher
trainer program that was in Moe’s Country Market—did you put that up?”

“I did. In fact, someone took it down
and I had to put a second one up,” Luke said.

Tess stopped tapping the pen she held
in her hand. Her face was caught somewhere between a vacant stare and a smile.
Luke had led her to teacher training. How her mother would have enjoyed that
karmic crossing, as she would have called it. Way leads to way is what she
would have said.

“The reason I’m calling has to do
with your mother’s house,” Luke said. “Your house.”

“Is it okay? Did something happen?
Jim Creet didn’t call me,” Tess said.

“Everything’s fine. You know that the
house is a landmark up here,” Luke said.

She wondered what her mother would
say to hear her home called a landmark. Probably that the house was only as
special as the people who spent time there or something to that effect. She saw
the sprawling front lawn, the rounding drive leading to the front door, the
cherry blossoms by the kitchen, like at her own home, and the massive
evergreens shadowing the grounds.

“The foliage must be
starting,” Tess said.

“The colors are
spectacular,” Luke said.

There was silence on the
line for a few moments.

“If I wasn’t so tied up
with teacher training on the weekends, I’d make a road trip,” Tess said. “But
that won’t be possible until December, when my weekends free up again.”

“I’m calling you with a
question,” Luke said.

“Ask me,” Tess said. She
was sitting up straight now. What could Luke need to ask her that was so
important that he was hemming and hawing to get it out?

“Any decisions yet about
if you plan to move back?” Luke said.

“Move back to Woodstock?”
Tess said. A pigeon on her windowsill was intent on watching her. Tess knocked
on the glass to shoo it. It pecked its beak against the window once, and then
again. “I don’t think I’m moving back,” Tess said.