From A to Bee (15 page)

  Let me digress a little bit. When I first met Farmer Ray to discuss which bit of his field I could borrow he started to tell me about his run-ins with The Beatles back in the 1960s. Forgetting my quest momentarily, my ears pricked up to what seemed a bizarre but fascinating story. He started to tell me how they used to drive past his farm on the way to a little shack by the pond nearby for all-night parties with the likes of Jane Asher. It sounded as if they didn't get on too well; he didn't like their convoy of blacked-out Minis and went about stopping them coming up the road, patrolling it with his shotgun.

  Apparently he once parked his trailer outside the entrance to the shack, blocking them all in, and he left it there for the weekend 'to teach them a lesson'. This might give you a little insight into the guy I was now dealing with! There can't have been too many people who would have done this to The Beatles at the height of their powers.

  He then started telling me how the lyrics in some of their songs were about him (in particular the song 'I Am the Walrus' which contains a line about being the egg man). I thought that quite plausible but wasn't so sure about his claim to the song 'Bungalow Bill' being about him. He does live in a bungalow but surely it should have been 'Bungalow Ray'? But I wasn't about to disagree with him.

  Anyway, in past weeks I've been thinking about the possibility of putting my hives onto the allotment so, seeing his collie dog approaching, I thought it could be the perfect time to ask this pretty important question. Putting this into perspective, I have got a hive (arriving on Monday I hope, as it was a little delayed) and I have ordered some bees, not to mention that I have taken a course. My last major stumbling block would be putting them somewhere. If he said no I was pretty stuffed. I couldn't put them in the garden – it just isn't big enough and I couldn't see myself persuading Jo to allow me to put them there. To be honest, with Sebastian, I wouldn't feel comfortable with that anyway.

  It was therefore a stroke of luck to meet Farmer Ray randomly like this, so I walked over to him (though it felt like I was on my knees shuffling towards him, much like Smithers does with Mr Burns in
The Simpsons
) and started to say hello in a rather jovial, nervous manner, paying particular notice to his dog rather than him.

  After some small talk I just blurted out something like, 'So, I was thinking, can I have some beehives on your field? I have done a course and everything.' Silence.

  'Yes, of course. I love honey and I know bees are in trouble. Any honey you have spare would be appreciated.'

  I felt like kissing him and then quickly remembered that this was Farmer Ray and quickly retracted that thought. Three months of concern had just gone out of the window as I now had a destination for my hives.

  He bid me farewell and off he went, hobbling across his field (unploughed for 125 years apparently), man's best friend at his side. He had a hip replacement only six weeks ago. Hard as nails is Farmer Ray.

  What a lovely man. He has allowed me to grow an allotment on his land and now he is allowing me to have some beehives. I felt elated and realised I must be on his good side.

Last night as I was driving home from work, Jo called. 'DHL must have arrived while we were out and delivered a package for you. It's so big and heavy I have just left it outside.'

  My heart did actually, believe it or not, skip a little. So my hive had arrived. It was too late to do anything about it as it was pitch black outside, but another day was not going to hurt. I did pop outside later on, though, to see a giant black shadow of a box. It was far bigger than I had expected and I went back inside very excited indeed.

  I got up early this morning to attend to the small jobs in the garden that I don't want to be doing at the weekend. I walked around to where DHL had hidden the package. Rather embarrassingly, they had left it behind last year's Christmas tree that I had been meaning to burn for months now! Though my feelings from last night were confirmed about its size, it was considerably lighter than I had expected.

  There were in fact two boxes and so I took them around to the front of the house and started to open them excitedly. I felt a slight pang of nostalgia as it was a feeling akin to when Father Christmas used to deliver my presents on Christmas Day.

  So I started to open it up and laughed, as this beautiful hive had been protected by bits of recycled cardboard evidently from children's toys. The first piece I pulled out was from 'The Little Princess' and the second was 'Pots and Pans'. This only added to the sense of Christmas nostalgia knowing that, due to timing, these were probably from Christmas presents given to the hive-maker's children. It was also further evidence that this was bought from a small business as it had all the touches of someone actually hand-making it. I loved the fact that the nails provided with the hive were in a recycled envelope with 'Nails' scrawled across the front. How wonderful and non-corporate.

  I took the gabled roof out of the box and it looked lovely. I could have gone for the flat roof but felt I needed to upgrade to this sloping roof, akin to one you'd see on a house, for my first purchase. Basically it makes it look more traditional and I am so pleased I decided to go with this little bit of vanity as it really finishes it off.

  There were so many pieces and yet no instructions. How on this earth was I, the person who was literally thrown out of woodworking class, going to put this together?! Having given up on the idea of building a hive from scratch, perhaps my pride had got the better of me when ordering. As with all hives, I had the option of either flat packed or assembled. The latter was about 10 per cent dearer so I opted for the former.

  Regardless of the lack of instructions, I shall have a go this weekend with the said nails and glue for added reassurance and try not to make too much of a hash of things. Let's see how it goes!

It has been a truly glorious morning and I got up early to review the task at hand. I felt ready to go but not before Jo and Sebastian got up and breakfast was completed, carnage as always with food splattered everywhere. Sebastian is getting to grips with eating on his own now, which is always an experience to watch. Now peace reigns once more as Jo has taken Sebastian out for a walk. It's a perfect time to get building.

  As I was opening the package on the kitchen table again to get to grips with it, I was feeling quite excited and something that had not struck me previously was the smell of the wood. It was as if it had just been cut – a really delightful smell. I counted twenty-six separate segments of wood as I took them out of the box, all of which looked pretty similar. The only bit of woodwork I have ever done in my short life was building a bench similar to those you would see in any park around the world. You know, the ones you steer clear of because they are either inhabited by the local sleeping tramp or by slightly strange people sitting down on them, knees firmly together, balancing a clear plastic lunchbox while they bite down into a triangular sandwich with the crusts cut off. My bench wasn't exactly the greatest success as I measured up a little bit wrong and couldn't really work out how to drill holes properly. No tramp would have ever gone near it. I was therefore a little bit tentative about fitting together these twenty-six random bits of wood.

  I really could have done with some instructions. Seeing there were so many different sections I felt I should have a dry run with no nails or glue and just put similar-sized parts together. With the aid merely of a picture of a National hive, it would be interesting to see what I could build.

  I made a tentative start and felt my use of the set square was particularly good, having watched a YouTube clip on how to make sure you attain perfect symmetry. (I can't believe I've admitted watching a video of this nature!) In a surprisingly short space of time I had built the brood box, which is where the main nest of bees remains and the queen lays her eggs. I was feeling pretty pleased and the result wasn't bad. Who needs instructions? The two supers quickly followed suit and as a result, in front of me sat my first beehive – though if I even blew on it lightly, it would have all collapsed in a giant pile, and so next week I shall attempt the real build complete with nails and glue. I felt really chuffed and finished just in time for Jo and Sebastian to walk through the back door.

  No word of a lie, Sebastian took one look at me, then looked at the hive, shook his head and promptly walked into the dining room. Jo followed, laughing, though I am pretty sure it was at Sebastian's reaction rather than the hive. Once we all had lunch and Sebastian had his midday nap we left for a short walk to the farm shop at the end of the road. Jo and I sat in glorious sunshine enjoying a cream tea, something you have to do when the sun is shining in the UK. We were enjoying watching Sebastian trying to run after the older children who were just that little bit more adept at running. Every five steps or so he would fall back onto his bottom followed by a great bout of laughter which would occasionally turn into belly laughs as he realised that the other children were laughing as well. It was glorious sitting out in the sunshine as we very rarely get the opportunity to do this sort of thing due to our busy schedules. However, with spring evident all around us with lambs jumping around in the grass and the daffodils and early tulips in their full glory it was sheer bliss.

  I am feeling a very lucky man today as I also have to put in here another exciting event that happened today. Jo and I found out that we will be expecting baby number two in December. We have always planned to have two children but this really tops off a great day. I find it hard enough to comprehend being a father of one some days, but here I am considering being a father of two pretty soon. Well, rather more than considering, at this point. Can't quite believe it – but how lucky we are to have this opportunity once more.

So, I went back to the original site where I bought the hive to look at the right glue to use, not to mention paint which I hear also has to be a certain kind, and there in front of me were the instructions telling you how to build it – not only instructions but also diagrams. It became perfectly clear I hadn't followed them and that was perhaps why my hive and theirs looked so different. I now realise my 'dry run' was a complete disaster.

  As you may have fathomed by now, I am of the male variety. Yes, that's right, the type that would be happier to carry on driving into the wilderness rather than wind down the window and ask the man with the map standing by the side of the road for directions. To add to this I never, ever read instructions. As far as I am concerned the TV makes itself work with or without instructions. Therefore why should I waste valuable time reading a manual several inches thick when I could be enjoying my new purchase?

  Despite seeing the dry run as a challenge tantamount to a complex jigsaw puzzle, I could see quite clearly from the photos that I had made a few fundamental errors – not least I had built the entire stand the wrong way round and the very important hand holds upside down.