Friends ForNever (19 page)

“I can't stand it when we're fighting. We never used to fight.”

Nic nodded. “I know. This was my worst fear. I've always been afraid this would happen.”

“What?” I asked. I had no idea what she was talking about.

“That one day you'd dump me,” she said very quietly. She wouldn't look at me.

“How can you say that?” I practically shouted. “Remember all those times when we said we'd be counselors together, and then we'd be college roommates? We were even going to share an apartment together one day.”

Finally, she looked up. “Okay. So are you saying we can still be friends after all those things we said?”

I couldn't answer her.

“See? You don't think we can.”

I let out a deep breath. “Yes, I do. I'm sorry. Please try to forgive me for all the things I said. I'm not dumping you.” I looked at her. “And I hope you don't dump me either.”

Nicole smiled. I realized it had been a long time since I'd really seen her smile. “I'm sorry too.”

I barely remember Thursday. Nic and I wandered through the day next to each other, but we weren't together.

We talked. We didn't fight or say mean things. But it didn't matter. The damage had been done. It was like we were polite strangers.

And then it was Friday, the day before camp ended. Tomorrow we'd all be going home. Late in the afternoon, a bunch of us were in the cabin, packing up trunks and duffels. Packing to go home was always a sad process, but this year it was so much worse.

I left at one point to go to Solitary. I just needed to get out of the cabin for a while. There was a time when Nic and I went everywhere together, even the bathroom. But not anymore. As I was walking away, I heard the screen door open behind me. I looked around to see Sarah following me.

“Is everything okay?” she asked.

“No, it's not.”

“Well, you're talking to each other at least. Can't you work things out?”

“It's not that easy. She's miserable and I'm miserable,” I said. We could say we were sorry. We could ask to take back the horrible things we'd said. But that didn't automatically erase all the hurt feelings.

“I just want you guys to move on and get over this,” said Sarah.

“I don't think we can,” I told her.

“Of course you can. Just . . . keep talking to each other. Keep hanging out and doing stuff. Eventually you'll both feel better.”

I went to a faucet and splashed cold water on my face. So many memories. Everywhere I went in this camp, even the bathrooms, reminded me of something.

“Big excitement over Jamie and the other counselor assistants, huh?” asked Sarah. “I wonder what the whole story is.”

The counselor assistants had been caught trying to play a prank on Camp Crockett, and now they were in big trouble with Eda. They weren't the only ones in trouble. Natasha, Ashlin, and Claudia left the cabin after lights out while Jamie was away, even though Whitney tried to stop them. Now there was a new drama for Cabin 3, but I wasn't at all interested in it. I was too wrapped up in my own problems.

“Well, even though camp's almost over, Eda still wants to keep things under control. I doubt she'll really punish the counselor assistants that much,” I said.

“You want me to talk to Nicole for you? Is there anything I can tell her that you're having trouble saying to her?” Sarah offered.

I thought about that for a second. “Not really. We've both said we're sorry, but sometimes that's not enough, you know?”

“Yeah, I know what you mean,” said Sarah, but I could tell she wondered why she and Whitney could make up and we couldn't.

When we went back to the cabin, there was a neat pile of folded clothes lying on my bed. “I found some more of your stuff,” said Nic. “Do you have anything of mine?”

“I might,” I said. I rummaged through my trunk and pulled out a few of Nic's shirts and a pair of her jeans. “If I find anything else, I can always send it to you later.”

“Yeah, I know. But it's easier if we sort things out now.”

I nodded and turned away, acting like I was busy folding my clothes. My nose was stinging, and I knew any second I might start to cry. I didn't want my clothes back. And I didn't want to give hers back either. It seemed so final.

Why weren't things okay? We'd said we were sorry. We'd made up—I thought. Why couldn't we go back to how things used to be?

We finished packing and then left for dinner. The mood all over camp was different. People were already talking about how they'd keep in touch—e-mails, phone calls, instant messages. At dinner Eda had a bunch of announcements about girls who'd be flying out tomorrow or taking the bus.

After dinner all the campers walked down to Lakeview Rock together for the last campfire of the summer. All the campers had to wear their white Pine Haven polos and white shorts, and all the counselors were dressed in green polos. Being in the camp uniform made everything seem more serious and formal.

Lakeview Rock was a giant outcropping of rock that towered about twenty feet high and overlooked the lake. The campfire was lit in the center of the rock, and lots of girls were already sitting in a circle around it.

Sarah sat down first, and then Whitney sat beside her. I sat next to Whitney.

Then it happened. Nicole walked past the three of us so that she could sit on the other side of Sarah.

I hardly noticed when Ashlin sat down next to me. Patty had ended up on Nicole's other side. So this was how camp was going to end? Nicole wouldn't even sit beside me now?

I stared at the grass in front of me and didn't move. I wasn't breathing. I could feel Whitney and Sarah glancing at me. They both knew what had just happened.

If I got up and moved now to sit next to Nicole, what would happen? Would Nic get up and move to get away from me?

I almost did it. I would show her. We were still friends. I wasn't going to dump
her
.

But I didn't. I stayed put and didn't move. I focused on the grass in front of me. I stared at that grass until I couldn't even see it anymore.

Friends always sat together at the Circle Fire because it always got so emotional. Especially tonight, everyone wanted to be sitting next to her best friend.

I just needed to hold it in for a few more minutes. As soon as the campfire really got started, people all around me would start to cry. Then I could let it out. I stared straight ahead. If I made eye contact with anyone, I knew I'd lose it.

When the first song started, I sang along with everyone else. I knew all the words to all these songs so well, I could sing them in my sleep.

Then one speaker stood up and talked, then another. Eda always asked a few people to prepare little speeches about what Pine Haven meant to them.

Then there were a few more songs, and then Eda starting singing one of my favorite songs, “Memories Gone By.” We never sang this particular song until late in the session, usually sometime during the last week of camp. We'd only sung it a few times this summer. It was to the tune of “Scarborough Fair,” which was such a beautiful, mournful song, it always brought everyone to tears.

We must hold on to memories gone by

Good times, friends, forever are mine.

The times we spend at camp will not die.

Summer days suspended in time.

When we leave here we won't say good-bye

Good times, friends, forever are mine.

We'll always have Pine Haven close by.

Summer days suspended in time.

In the winter, I'll think of you then

Good times, friends, forever are mine.

Soon I know we will meet again.

Summer days suspended in time.

Now I could let it out. I didn't have to hold back anymore. Whitney patted my back while I sobbed. It wasn't embarrassing to cry so hard; almost everyone was crying now. The light from the campfire lit up everyone's faces, and I glanced over at Nic sitting beside Sarah. They were both crying too. For a second Nic's eyes met mine, and then she looked away, teary-eyed, and stared into the fire.

My heart felt like it was breaking. It was a real, physical, aching pain that I felt in my chest. It was over. Really and truly over. I knew that things with Nic and me would never be the same. Why? Sarah and Whitney could fight and get over it. Why couldn't we? Neither one of us wanted this. Did we?

It was time for the candle lighting. The counselors opened cardboard boxes and passed around white candles, each of us taking one. Eda spoke about how girls had been coming to Pine Haven since 1921. She lit her candle and then passed the flame to the counselor next to her, who passed it on to the girl beside her. One by one, the flame was passed from one candle to the next until each person in the circle was holding her lit candle in front of her.

Libby and Caroline Heyward picked up shovels and doused the flames of the campfire with dirt. Now we all sat quietly, holding our candles and looking at the little dancing flames that lit up the faces of everyone in the circle.

“Tonight on our last night at camp, I'd like you to think about what each of your flames has added to the fire at Pine Haven. And also think about what the fire at Pine Haven has added to each of your flames,” said Eda.

I let the hot wax drip down my candle onto my hand. It burned a little, but not enough to really hurt. There had been happy times this summer. Lots of happy times. I'd have to remember those. I stared at my flame, wanting to burn the happy memories into my heart. My tears made the flame look blurry. I wiped my wet face with my left hand, carefully holding the candle steady in my right while I stared into the flame. I kept telling myself that looking at the dancing yellow flame would make some of the pain go away. I let out a long, shuddering sigh and the flame fluttered a little from my breath.

When camp had first started, I'd wanted everything to be exactly like it'd been in past summers. But then I would've missed out on making pot holders. Talking after lights out. Floating in the inner tubes. In lots of ways Nic and I still had a great summer together. And I didn't want to give that up.

I wouldn't have to. I would save this stub of candle in the box where I kept all my other Pine Haven mementos. The box was on a shelf in my bedroom closet at home. Inside it were lanyards I'd made at crafts, my old name tags, photos, the red notebook with
THE PLAN
written on the front. This year, just like every summer, I would go home and put all the things in my camp box that I wanted to keep forever.

For the past two years on Closing Day, I'd woken up really sad and tearful, but this morning the thought of seeing Mom and going home to all the baby preparations made me feel excited. It must have been noticeable, because Sarah took one look at me and said, “You're in a good mood.”

I shrugged. “Well, I'll be seeing my mom soon—you know.”

Nicole turned away while she got dressed. Her dad was picking her up today for her monthlong visit. I knew she wasn't looking forward to it, but she kept quiet. If only I could hug her and promise her that I'd text her every day. I wished I could say something to make her feel better. She probably hated me now more than ever, since I was happy to be going home and she wasn't.

After breakfast there wasn't much to do except stand around and wait for friends to leave one by one. A bunch of Camp Crockett counselors showed up to help carry luggage and trunks. I looked for Blake's counselors, but I didn't see them. I wondered if Mom and Paul would pick me up before or after they got Blake. All they'd said in their last e-mail was to look for them around eleven or twelve o'clock. That was hours away.

Whitney was the first girl in our cabin to leave. She and Sarah cried and cried as they said good-bye. “I'll see you in November,” Sarah said, obviously embarrassed to be getting so emotional.