Freshman Year (39 page)

“You shouldn't be proud of me, Mom. I'm not as great as you think I am.” It almost feels like the right time. Almost.

“Well…” She hesitates, as if she's trying to find the perfect way to say whatever is coming next. “No matter what you do or who you become, Abbey, I'll always love you, and I'm sure you're always going to make me proud to be your mom.”

I can tell she wants to hear it from me, but I can't do it tonight because I'm way too tired. Plus, I have something important to take care of that can't wait.

“Thanks, Mom. I love you, too.” I kiss her cheek. “No matter what,” I add. “Good night.”

I'm light on my feet as I walk back to my room. She loves me. No matter what. When I'm ready, I'll tell her, and I know she'll love me still.

*

I leave my bedroom window open, but I keep the blinds closed so she won't see me. Then at 12:01, I hear the gravel outside my window crunch under Keeta's shoes.

The footsteps stop and I hear her peel off the letter I taped to my window earlier tonight. I imagine how beautiful she must look holding it up to the moon's light. Then I wait quietly in bed while she reads the note.

You've got your words to describe how I make you feel,

but just so you know, I've got some I also need to reveal.

The first one is
lucky
, and
loved
is one more.

Another is
happy
and the next is
adored
.

A few aren't as sweet, but they'll dissolve in time

because mostly I'll remember all the nights you were
mine
.

Dear Keeta,

I just wanted you to know I'm not angry anymore. I guess you could say it's because I think I understand you more than I did before. I hope maybe someday we can be friends again because I do miss you. Plus, I still need to beat you at a game of one on one. So don't leave Tucson without saying good-bye to me, okay? I think that would make me sadder than anything else. But I guess I need a little more time before then. I hope you understand.

You are still, and will always be, deep in my heart.

Love always,

Your Amara

When she whispers my name, I lie perfectly still. So much of me wants to rush to the window to kiss her again, be in her arms again, and be her Amara again. But there's no way I'm pulling my heart out of its ice bucket now. I'm almost healed. My mom's probably right; you never forget your first love, and I can't ever imagine forgetting Keeta. I will probably always love Keeta, but I've learned I deserve more. In fact, I've learned a lot in my freshman year at Gila High, like how to play basketball, how to fall in love, and how to kiss. And (unfortunately) how to lose friendships and trust, but then (fortunately) how to get them both back again. Most importantly, though, I have happily accepted who I am. In fact, maybe next year on the first day of school instead of being freaked out and nervous, I'll sneak into the office (with the help of Tai, of course), grab the PA microphone, and announce to the whole school, “Good morning, Gila High. My name is Abbey ‘Chunks' Brooks and I am definitely a you-know-who girl, too!”

Annameekee Hesik came out when she was fifteen and has since been obsessed with rainbows. After successfully surviving high school in Tucson, AZ, she went to college for six years and changed her major five times. She earned her BA in English lit from UC Davis and her MA in education from UC Santa Cruz. She is thrilled she finally decided to become a high school English teacher (with a background in anthropology, American Sign Language, world history, and environmental biology). When she isn't helping students learn to enjoy literature or dressing up as the Super Recycler or Grammar Police, she spends her time in Santa Cruz, CA, walking her dogs, napping in her hammock, riding bikes with her wife, slurping down mocha shakes, and writing books that she hopes will help lesbian and questioning teens feel like they're not the only you-know-who girls in the world. To see embarrassing high school photos of Annameekee, read her blog, and to find out what she likes to mix into her macaroni and cheese, visit her website:
www.annameekee.com
.

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