Free Yourself from Fears (8 page)

Fearful stories we tell to ourselves are like toxic hypnotic scripts: they lie there poisoning us unless we drag them into the open to look at them in the light of new knowledge. A hypnotic command is one that compels you to act in a certain way without knowing why. The evocative quotation from Deepak Chopra at the beginning of this chapter sums it up very well. Your self-confidence and self-esteem are also listening to your internal dialogue.

Telling other people

Internal dialogue is not the only way to use language to generate fear.

Speaking aloud can also work against you. If you want to overcome your unreal fears, do not tell them to other people unless there is a very good reason. When you tell other people your fears, they believe you (of course). Then they treat you as if those fears are real: they confirm you as a fearful person. They will expect you to be afraid in certain situations and this makes it very easy for you to slip into the pattern.

There is a lot of power in making something public. You can use this power by asking people to help you when you tell them your unreal fears. Then they will treat you in the way you want to be treated.

Affirmations

Affirmations are clear, short statements of something you want to happen. They should be written down and repeated regularly. You say what you want to be true. They need to be carefully phrased.

When you make affirmations about self-development, such as being free from an unreal fear, phrase them as if they are occurring 52

THE LANGUAGE OF FEAR

now. For example, if your goal is to be a confident public speaker, then a suitable affirmation would be: “I am becoming more and more confident about public speaking.” (Since confidence without competence is usually a disaster, you should add: “I am become better and better at speaking in public.”)

Do not phrase any affirmation as if it has actually happened and do not give yourself a deadline. Write down your affirmations on good-quality paper in your best writing and repeat them several times a day. This is a way of demonstrating to yourself that you take them seriously. Some people even put them on the wall where they are always visible.

Is fear compulsory?

Language gives us some clues about the meaning of fear.

We say that something “makes” us afraid. How does it do that?

What is the compulsion?

This is known as a
distortion
in NLP language patterns. While cause and effect may be built into the physical world where Newton’s laws of motion are a fair guide to what happens, there is no such thing as Newton’s laws of emotion. To say that something makes you afraid is to deny that you have a choice.

There are two ways to challenge the compulsion.

The first is to ask yourself: “How exactly does it make me afraid?”

This is an opportunity to become aware of the anchor and how you learned the fear through the skills in Chapter 17 (page 215).

The second way to challenge it is to ask yourself: “Do I have a choice about being afraid?” This is an opportunity to use the calming skills in Chapter 16 (page 208).

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FREE YOURSELF FROM FEARS

Our relationship with fear

Whatever we say, words define our relationship to fear. For example, in English we say “I am frightened of…” In Portuguese, the phrase is
Ter medo de
…, which translates as “I have fear of…”

“To have fear” is different to “I am frightened.” If you have fear, then it is a possession, not intimately connected with you, and so it can be easier to deal with. Something you
have
is something you can put down or lose. Something you
are
is harder to lose.

In English, there are many ways to express fear in words. As you try the following skills, check what the words do to your thinking and pay attention to the exact words.

Skill for freedom

Talking about fear

Take something that you are mildly afraid of (X).

Say the following phrases to describe your fear. For the best effect say them aloud. Notice how you feel about each.

“I am terrified of X.”

“I am frightened of X.”

“I am afraid of X.”

“I am anxious about X.”

“I am phobic of X.”

“I am worried about X.”

“I am apprehensive about X.”

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How do you feel about these sentences? Do any sound false? Does your feeling change along with the words?

The words we use to describe our relationship to fear are also very important.

Having and being

Think of something you are frightened of, or have been frightened of, and say to yourself: “I am frightened of (that).”

Then say: “I have a fear of (that).”

Do the two phrases give a different feeling? How do they change your relationship to your fear?

Passive and active

Now try this.

Say to yourself, “(That) frightened me.” Here you are passive, being acted on.

Then say: “I am frightened of (that).” Here you are active, doing something.

Is there a difference between “I am frightened of that” and “That frightened me”? In the first the emphasis is on you. In the second the emphasis is on what frightened you.The different emphasis will change your thinking.

Present and past

Pick something that you really fear. Say to yourself: “I am afraid of (that).”

What do you feel?

Now say: “I was afraid of (that).”

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Notice that the second phrase is more precise. You were afraid of it in the past. How do you feel about that?

Cause and effect

Now say to yourself: “That made me afraid.”

How does that feel?

In this example, it seems like you have no choice in the matter, it was simple cause and effect.

Inside or outside

Now think about the phrase: “To live in fear.” What does it imply?

It implies that fear is something like a container you are inside, it surrounds you—a very uncomfortable state.

Now think about the phrase “living with fear.” Now fear is outside you.

It is something like a companion, albeit an unwelcome one.

Holding and letting go

Now think about “to be in the grip of fear.” Fear is outside you but it has you, you feel caught.

Another similar phrase is to be “paralyzed by fear.” You cannot move emotionally or intellectually, all escape routes seem to be closed or too dangerous. It is like the fear that strikes you when you are the edge of a cliff. You can do nothing.

Now say to yourself: “I am free of fear.” How do you feel about that?

Each of these phrases gives you a slightly different relationship to fear, and some may be more comfortable than others to think about.

The first step in letting go of an unwelcome fear is to change the way 56

THE LANGUAGE OF FEAR

you think about it, and one of the best ways of changing the way you think about it is to change the words you use to describe it.

Metaphor

A metaphor is a comparison and a good metaphor is worth a thousand words. The word “metaphor” comes from the Greek
metapherein
, meaning “to carry beyond.” Metaphors carry us to different meanings and make us think about everyday things and feelings in a different way.

Fear can be described in many ways, but what does it mean for you? What would be your metaphor for fear?

Fill in the blanks:

Fear is like . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Because . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

For example, fear is like:

A cold reminder of mortality.

An alarm bell for danger.

Drowning.

A sudden vision.

Cold water down the spine.

A volcano in the stomach.

Being strangled.

A mind killer.

Take a close look at your metaphor. It defines your relationship to fear.

What resource fits the metaphor? For example, if fear is like molten lava in the stomach, then a resource is something cold. If fear is like ice in the stomach, then the resource is something warm.

This metaphor can give you a valuable hint about what to do when you feel unreal fear. For example, maybe a hot drink would help if fear seems like ice.

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The better you know your own unique fear feeling, the better you will be able to deal with it. The first step to conquering an enemy is to know them well, their habits, likes and dislikes, their routine. How you think of unreal fear will tell you this.

The Bene Gesserit litany

I will not fear. Fear is the mind killer. Fear is the little death that brings
total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and
through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see
its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.

Only I will remain.

THE BENE GESSERIT LITANY AGAINST FEAR, FROM
DUNE
BY

FRANK HERBERT

Dune
is a great book of science fiction, made into a less than great film several years ago, and then followed by some even worse sequels.

Frank Herbert created a world of memorable characters, some with great power, some with great fear. One part of the world of
Dune
is the Bene Gesserit sisterhood, a powerful, fey group of women who had considerable powers of mind control, over both themselves and others. The words “Bene Gesserit” are Latin and their closest meaning is: “She would have done good.” The above quote is their litany that they teach their novices. It has some interesting ideas and metaphors within it.

First, “I will not fear.” Without a context, I do not think it is possible and even if it were, it would not be a good idea. Fear will arise in response to sudden danger without warning or control. Willpower comes from the conscious mind, whereas fear comes from deeper physiological processes that we have no control over. Fear is too basic and too important to be willed away, and it is not under the control of willpower. This litany only applies to unreal fear.

“Fear is the mind killer.” Yes, fear can paralyze your thinking, but it can also make you act quickly and decisively. Fear, like many other emotions, makes it harder to think clearly—at just the time when you need to think most clearly and feel more resourceful.

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“I will face my fear” is an interesting expression. What could it mean to face your fear? You look at it and oppose it. You do not hide from it and you do not hide from the situation that brought it on.

This is courage. It may seem that courage is the ability not to feel fear.

If this were so, it would not be a virtue and we would not admire it.

Courage is feeling the fear and going ahead anyway.

“I will permit it to pass over me and through me.” Another interesting metaphor, which separates you from the fear and makes it move. When fear moves, you cannot be paralyzed by it. If it goes through you, it must end up behind you. Then you can “turn the inner eye to see its path.”

Once it has gone, only you remain. We can use these metaphors.

Skill for freedom

The Bene Gesserit process

J Think of something you are frightened of or worrying about. Make it something where the feeling is unpleasant, you are not sure what to do, and the feeling is getting in the way of your effective action.

J Imagine the situation and feel the feeling. Give it a label. It could be

“fear,” “fright,” “anxiety,” or “worry.”

J Now imagine that feeling in front of you. Look at it.What does it look like? What color is it? Is it like a smoky cloud? Or a green gooey mass? How big is it? How solid? What does it smell like?

Does it have a sound as it hovers there in front of you? Watch it carefully. Listen.

J Now let it stream past you. Let it go over you, under you, and around you. Let it go through you and as it does, it will become like a wisp of smoke.

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J As it streams around and through you, it will go behind you. Imagine that you can see it behind you disappearing faster and faster into the distance, until it melts into nothingness, as if it is being sucked down one of those enormous wind tunnels.There is nothing left. If you feel a little residue of the feeling, just put it in front of you again, face it, and repeat the process.

J Now feel your body solid and grounded.You remain.You are not this feeling, because you can separate yourself from it.

J In this calm state, generate three possible ways you could deal with this situation.Write them down and resolve to take action as soon as you can.

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Unreal Fear—Fear as Foe

The present has three dimensions… the present of past things, the present
of present things and the present of future things.

ST. AUGUSTINE

THE CAUSE OF UNREAL FEAR CAN COME from three different directions—past, present, and future. The stimulus is in the present, but the fear usually comes from imagining the future—what might happen but has not. It can also be about the past—what did happen or what might have happened.

Our mind has a remarkable fluidity with time. Past, present, and future interweave in the present moment—the only place we can act and feel. Intellectually, people put their focus on one as opposed to the others. For example:

J Some people believe that the past is the most important. The past makes people who they are now and determines what they do in the future.

J Other people believe that the present is the most important. They say that we live in a system of complex cause and effect and we should seek to understand what is happening now in order to know what to do in the future. The present determines what is possible. The past is not important.