Fraser 01 - Highland Legacy (16 page)

“I remember a time when he called me a pest. He said I could prattle on more than any lass he had ever met.” She laughed and touched Cailin’s arm. “Och, you’re as cold as ice. Come away from the window, and I will stoke the fire.”

“I’m fine.” Cailin glanced out the window and watched Cameron mount his horse. After a curt nod to the priest, he rode out the gate. He was leaving, and she had no choice but to stay behind in the hopes that Connor would come for her soon.

Mary peered out the window and smiled. “It was wonderful to see Cameron again.”

“Connor told me he’d trust no one else to see me safely to the priory.” Cailin stepped away from the window and sat on the edge of the bed. When Mary reached for the shutters, she held up her hand. “Please leave them open. I like the fresh air, and the flowers smell lovely.”

Mary sat on the bed beside her. “Once you’re settled, I’d be happy to show you around. The priory is not a grand dwelling, but you’ll be safe here.” She stopped talking long enough to take a breath, then continued. “I’m anxious to hear about my family and to know how everyone is faring. I miss my mother and sister. Having you here will be wonderful. You must be famished. I’ll ask the cook to prepare you a tray.”

“I appreciate your kindness, Mary, but we ate along the way, and I am not very hungry. If you could show me where I can go to tend to my needs and where I can get a basin of water, I’d like to wash up and go to bed. Mayhap you could show me around the priory in the morning and we could talk then.”

“Forgive me for prattling on. You must be exhausted from your long journey. There is a chamber pot under the bed and an outdoor privy.” Mary pointed out the window at a small stone building. “I’d be happy to bring you a basin of water to wash up and a pitcher of ale to quench your thirst. We will have plenty of time to talk and get acquainted once you’ve rested.”

A mix of jealousy and sadness washed over Cailin, and Mary’s disappointed expression didn’t make things any easier. She couldn’t help but envy Mary and the relationship she had with her family. She craved a mother’s love and a father’s adoration. When Simon spoke of his daughters or of Connor and his brothers, warmth and affection lit up his eyes. Marion’s love and devotion for her brood was unquestionable. If anything, she felt more alone than ever.

Cailin fought back the tears and the ball of emotion that rose in her throat. Her father didn’t care if she lived or died. He’d offered her to Borden to win his favor, and she was certain that after her escape, he’d not attempt to find her. After surrendering her innocence to Connor, she was useless to her father as a bargaining chip. At best, he might be able to marry her off in exchange for a few head of cattle or a small parcel of land. If she was ever cleared of the murder charge and Connor chose not to honor the handfast, she refused to return to Dunkeld.

Cailin slid her hand over her belly. Did she carry Connor’s babe? If so blessed, she vowed the child would never know the pain of longing. She would love their little one with all her heart and cherish it always. On the other hand, there might be no bairn, and she’d forever feel empty and alone. The melancholia that gripped her was difficult to mask.

“Are you certain that you’re all right?” Mary asked.

“Aye. I’m just tired.”

“Then we must see you settled and into bed. I’ll go and fetch you some water.” Mary pulled a basin from under the bed and headed for the door.

“Wait,” Cailin called after her. “I’m being selfish. Your family has been so kind to me, and you must be anxious to hear how they fare.”

“I am, but I understand if you’re too tired. It can wait until morning if you wish to rest,” Mary said with a hint of renewed anticipation in her voice.

“After the kindness you’ve shown me, it would be cruel for me to make you wait. Sit down.” Cailin patted the bed beside her. “I would be happy to share the news of your family.”

“Our family.” Mary sat down, took Cailin’s hand, and gave it a comforting squeeze. “Dinna worry, you’ll be safe here, and Connor will come for you as soon as he can. I know he will.”

Cailin forced a smile. “I hope you’re right.”

Bone-weary and ready to drop from fatigue, Connor slid from the saddle. He’d prowled the battlements until the wee hours of the morning, woke up before dawn, and then worked in the lists. After soundly defeating every warrior who dared to challenge, he mounted Thor and pushed the powerful warhorse until he neared collapse.

For weeks, he’d repeated this grueling routine, rain or shine. Nearly two months had passed since Cailin left for the priory, yet memories of their time together plagued his waking hours and haunted his dreams.

Connor cursed beneath his breath. He’d never known such weakness, and it had to stop before he went insane or dropped from exhaustion. They’d be leaving for Perth any day, and he needed his wits about him. There wasn’t time for woolgathering about mesmerizing eyes the color of emeralds, soft feminine curves, silken hair that rivaled an autumn sunset and smelled of heather. He had to stop longing for what could never be. He had done what was necessary to protect her reputation, but she was safely sequestered, out of his life, and all the better for it. In time, she’d forget about him.

“Can I take your horse, m’lord?” A young lad stumbled out of the stable, rubbed his eyes, and covered his mouth to stifle a yawn.

“Aye, Gavin. After you’ve given him some oats, water, and a good rubdown, you may return to your pallet.” He handed over the reins, then moved toward the castle. “A tankard of ale, mayhap two, and then I will seek my own bed,” he mumbled as he climbed the stone steps.

Alasdair elbowed Bryce in the ribs, and pointed toward the door leading into the great hall. “It appears the prodigal brother has returned. About time he found his way home.” He gulped down a tankard of ale, and then belched loudly.

Connor raked his fingers through his hair and heaved a weary sigh. The last thing he needed was Alasdair’s cynicism. When he entered the hall at this late hour, he’d expected to find it empty. Dreading an interrogation from his brothers, he debated about turning around and going straight to his chamber. Instead, he plunked himself down in a chair beside Bryce. Without saying a word, he reached for a pitcher of ale.

“The sun set hours ago, and you missed the evening meal, again. We were beginning to worry.” Bryce pushed a wooden platter in front of Connor. “There is still some pheasant and turnip, if Alasdair doesn’t snatch it up.”

“If he’s not home in time for meals, he has only himself to blame.” Alasdair dragged a piece of bread across his trencher, sopped up the last bit of meat drippings, and tossed it in his mouth.

Connor grunted and reached for an empty tankard. “I’m not hungry.” After filling the pewter mug to the brim, he downed the contents.

Bryce moved the food closer. “You really should eat something. This morning you dinna come down to break your fast, and after working in the lists, you failed to join us for the noonday meal. Instead, you saddled Thor, rode out at full speed, and dinna return until after dark. Again. You’re going to drive that poor horse into the ground.”

“Thor is of sturdy stock, and when I want a nurse-maid, I’ll hire one. Until then, mind your own affairs.” Connor refilled the tankard and brought it to his lips.

“You need to stop pining for Cailin and do something about it.” Bryce grabbed Connor’s wrist when he reached for the pitcher again. “Drinking yourself into oblivion won’t solve anything. Nor will it help to starve yourself. I’ve never seen you brood like this. Not even after Mam and Da died.”

Connor clenched his jaw and glared at his brother. “I dinna brood. And if you value your life, brother, you’ll let go of my hand.”

Bryce didn’t budge, nor did he back down. “For weeks you’ve skulked around the castle like a volcano ready to erupt. You speak to no one, except to growl, and you barely eat enough to keep a bird alive.”

“If you dinna start taking it easy on the men in the lists, there won’t be anyone willing to face you,” Alasdair added.

Connor wrenched his arm free of Bryce’s grasp. “Mayhap you missed your calling, little brother. A bard seems like a good choice given your gift of gab and woman’s heart.” He refilled his tankard, and drained it for the third time. “As for the way I treat the men, Alasdair, you’re exaggerating, as always.”

“Tell that to Donald and Brian. They’re still recovering from the wounds you inflicted two weeks ago, or have you forgotten?” Alasdair’s retort was sharp, and to the point.

“They should not be training in the lists if they’re not prepared to fight. Had they been paying attention, they’d not have been injured.” Well on his way to being in his cups, Connor slumped in his chair. Maybe Alasdair was right. He did expect a lot of his men, but he’d not ease up and see them go into battle unprepared. As for Bryce’s accusations about Cailin, he refused to admit that his heart and body ached for her. A warrior would not allow infatuation with a woman to keep him from doing his duty. She was better off without him, and he didn’t need her to complicate his life. Or so he tried to convince himself.

Call it a gut feeling, but he was certain he’d die in battle—if not in Perth, soon after. The thought of giving his life for the cause had never bothered him before, but now that he’d tasted the passion, desire, and divine euphoria of bedding a woman like Cailin, he had so much more to lose.

“The men are afraid to challenge you. Many of them are sure you have lost your mind,” Bryce said dourly.

“I ask no more than I demand of myself. The men must learn to fight with every fiber of their being. To enter each battle like it is the last day of their lives.”

“They’re aware of that, but there is no excuse for the way you are driving them,” Bryce argued.

“There is no time to coddle the men. We should have left for Perth weeks ago, but Robert knew they were not ready.” Connor narrowed his eyes and slammed his balled fist on the table. “If they want to whine like old women, mayhap they best don kirtles. They can take to scrubbing the floors, serving the meals, and leave the fighting to real men.” He picked up his empty tankard, and then scanned the table for more ale. “I won’t trust my back to a man who isn’t prepared for battle.”

“Your foul mood has nothing to do with the battle in Perth.” Bryce moved the pitcher of ale out of Connor’s reach. “When are you going to admit that you love the lass and miss her in your bed?”

“He’s got two hands doesn’t he?” Alasdair threw back his head and laughed boisterously.

Normally such bawdy comments would spur Connor to fight, but he stared into his empty tankard and said nothing.

“He needs to do something to take his mind off the lass,” Alasdair pressed. Not ready to give up the jest, he leaned across the table and patted Connor on the shoulder. “I’m sure Lady Jenna would be happy to warm your bed.”

His patience worn thin, Connor stood and faced his brother. “I told you, I have no interest in Jenna.” He picked up the empty tankard and threw it against the wall.

Alasdair nodded toward the door of the great hall. “Speak of the devil.”

Bryce let out a low whistle as Jenna glided across the room.

“There you are, Connor. I’ve been looking for you.”

Too late to escape, Connor lowered himself into the chair. He dropped his head forward and groaned.

What must I do to get through to the woman?

Smugly looking like a cat about to swallow a bird, Bryce stood and bowed. “Good evening, Lady Jenna. You’re looking lovely as usual.

Ignoring Bryce and Alasdair, Jenna raised her nose in the air and focused on Connor. “We missed you at the evening meal. A big strong man like you must eat to keep up your strength. One never knows when you’ll need it.” She rounded the table and stood behind his chair. “Would you like me to have Cook prepare a tray? I’d be very happy to bring it to your chamber.”

“No!” Connor snapped.

Jenna placed her hands on his shoulder and began to massage them. Her breath tickled his ear when she spoke. “You’re tense and need to relax, m’lord. I can help you unwind. Mayhap, you would like to take a nice hot bath. I’ll have a tub sent up to your chamber, and would be happy to scrub your back, or—”

“Enough!” Connor shoved the chair back, almost knocking Jenna off her feet.

Alasdair covered his mouth to hide a snicker, then raised his tankard and winked at Jenna. “I’ve a few body parts that need a good scrubbing, m’lady, if you have a mind to be of assistance.”

“How dare you proposition me? I’m a lady, and refuse be spoken to in such a bawdy manner. I would not touch you if you were the last man in Scotland. I’d just as soon be sent to a priory like—”

Connor grabbed Jenna’s arm and spun her around to face him. Was her reference to the priory an innocent remark, or was she trying to make a point? “You best counsel your tongue. One of these days, you will approach the wrong man, and he will take you up on your offer, or worse, he’ll take his pleasure against your will.”

Her cheeks flushed red, but the determined look in her sapphire eyes let him know she had no intention of backing off. “We were meant to be together, and the sooner you realize that, the better. Someday, you will regret the way you have treated me and beg my forgiveness.” Jenna splayed her hands over Connor’s chest and ground her hips against the hollow of his thighs. “That little chit will never make you happy. Not the way I can. Asking her to marry you was a noble act. Especially after you soiled her reputation, but you need a real woman in your bed. You need a woman who knows how to please a man.”

Connor grasped Jenna’s wrists and held her at arm’s length. “Have you no shame? Only a wanton woman would flaunt herself in such a manner. Best you return to your solar and forget this foolish notion.” He firmly shoved her out of his way. “If you’ll excuse me, I need some air.” His patience pushed to the limits, he stormed out of the great hall and climbed the steps to the parapets.

When he reached the top, he stepped onto the stone walkway and paused to draw in a breath of crisp clean air. He’d asked for Cailin’s hand in this very same spot, but unlike that night, there wasn’t a cloud in the star-spattered sky. A full moon illuminated the rocky cliffs and he could see for miles. Oh how he wished he could hold Cailin in his arms just one more time and kiss those pouty lips. When he closed his eyes, he could see her face. When he inhaled, he could smell her sweet fragrance. With a heavy heart, he placed his hands on the wall, leaned forward, and rested his forehead on the cold stones. “I wish I could purge you from my mind,” he muttered aloud.

“You cannot go on like this.” Bryce stepped onto the walkway. “I know being separated from Cailin is tormenting you. Even if you refuse to admit it.”

Connor spun around to face his brother. “Are you daft, man? I said I needed some air, not your company.” He leaned his back against the wall and rubbed his temples to ease the ache building behind his eyes. “Why won’t you leave me be?”

Bryce shrugged. “Mayhap you should pay the lass a visit before we leave for Perth. I’ve no doubt that she’d be very happy to see you.”

“She is safely sequestered, and I dinna want to draw any attention to the priory. Besides, she is better off without me. In time, she will realize that, and move on. She deserves a husband that will love her and be by her side.” He almost choked on the unbearable words.

“If you are not in love with the lass, then you put on a good act.” Bryce took a step forward and frowned. “What about the handfast? With the declaration of marriage repudiated by the king, you could have walked away. Why did you become betrothed if you had no intention of following through?”

“Despite my best effort, and against my better judgment, I fell for the lady’s charms. I’m not proud of my weakness, or the fact that I allowed my heart to rule my head. To visit Cailin would only make things worse for both of us. I dinna want to give her false hope, or lead her on. This way is best.”

“Who are you really trying to protect?” Bryce asked.

“You overstep your boundaries. Best you mind your tongue.” Connor turned away. Bryce knew him far too well. With his hands braced on the castle wall, he peered out over the moonlit moors in the direction of the priory.

“You distance yourself to ease your own pain,” Bryce said in a matter-of-fact tone. “Admit it. You love her. Despite your effort to hide it, I saw the look of anguish on your face the day she left. I’ve also seen the longing in your eyes when the two of you are together.”

“Be that as it may, we are going into battle in a few days and may not come back,” Connor said solemnly.

“Then there is all the more reason to see her before we leave. To tell her how you feel about her.”

“Nay! I’ll not be like our father and leave behind anyone to mourn me. I dinna want to cause her any more grief than I already have.”

“I’m afraid it is too late for that. Do you ever intend to see her again?” Bryce asked bluntly.

Connor didn’t answer.

“Did you ask for a handfast in a moment of weakness, or did you want to make sure no one else could have her?” Bryce badgered.

Connor spun on his heels, his fists balled at his sides. “There could be a child, and I’ll not have a son of mine called a bastard.”

“What about the lass?”

“I did it for her as well. I’ll not have people think her a whore. With luck, there’ll be no child, and once the year is up, she’ll be free to move on and marry the man she deserves without shame.

“What if she carries your babe?”

“If there is a babe, Cailin will be a fine mother and do right by the bairn. Both will be better off without me.”

“You’re a
thrawn
man. You’ve run from the past and guarded your heart far too long. You need to put it behind you and start living again. Let Cailin be that new beginning.” Bryce slid his hand on Connor’s shoulder and gave it a squeeze.

“Things are not that simple,” Connor said on a shuddering breath.

“They are only as complicated as you choose to make them. Every journey begins with a single step. Take that step, Connor. Go and see Cailin. Tell her how you feel.”

“Mayhap you’re right...” His resolve weakened.

“Connor, Bryce. The king wishes to see you in his chambers right away. He said it was time to ready the men.” Cameron stood in the doorway, his massive size filling it. “We leave for Perth at sunrise.”

Cailin leaned over the chamber pot as the acid bile rose in her throat and her stomach churned. She’d already emptied the meager contents, but the heaving refused to stop.

“Och, are you all right?” Mary asked. She crossed the room and knelt beside Cailin. “You poor lamb. You have been feeling poorly six mornings in a row.”

“Fortunately, it doesn’t last long. Once I’ve been up and about for a while, is passes.” She drew in a slow, ragged breath and fought the urge to vomit again.

“Have you given any thought to what ails you?”

“The venison Cook served last week tasted off. Mayhap it was tainted,” Cailin replied weakly and covered her mouth.

“We all ate the meat, and no one else appears ill. Could it be you’re with child?”

The thought had crossed her mind, but she was afraid to hope. “I’m sure it was caused by something I ate. In fact, I’m certain of it. I had my courses not long after I arrived at the priory.”

“When are they due again?”

Cailin counted back the days. “They were due a sennight ago, but I have never been regular, so cannot be sure.”

“While I’m no expert on such things, I’ve heard that a woman can sometimes have her courses, even when she is with child. Are you telling me you and Connor dinna consummate the handfast?”

Cailin sat on her heels and dragged a shaky hand across her brow. The glorious nights of unbridled passion flooded her mind. “Now that I think about it, my courses were very light, and only lasted a day. I guess it is possible.”

Mary’s smile broadened. She threw her arms around Cailin’s shoulders and gave her a hug. “This is wonderful news. Connor will crow like a proud rooster when he finds out.” She leaned back, tilted her head to the side, and met Cailin’s gaze. “You dinna look pleased. I’m sure my cousin will be a wonderful father.”