Fragments: Poems, Intimate Notes, Letters (7 page)

What was that now—

just a moment ago—

from it was mine and

now it’s gone—like the

swift movement of a moment

gone—

maybe I’ll remember

because it felt

as though it

started to be
wonderful

only
mine

Best finest surgeon—Strasberg

waits to cut me open which I don’t mind since Dr. H

has prepared me—given me anaesthetic

and has also diagnosed the case and

agrees with what has to be done—

an operation—to bring myself back to

life and to cure me of this terrible
dis-ease

whatever the hell it is—

Arthur is the only one waiting in the outer

room—worrying and hoping operation successful

for many reasons—for myself—for his play and

for himself indirectly

Hedda—concerned—keeps calling on phone during

operation—Norman—keeps stopping by hospital to

see if I’m okay but mostly to comfort Art

who is so worried—

Milton calls from big office with lots of room

and everything in good taste—and is conducting

business in a new way with style—and music

is playing and he is relaxed and enjoying himself even if

he is very worried at the same time—there’s a camera

on his desk but he doesn’t take pictures anymore except

of great paintings.

Strasberg cuts me open after Dr. H gives me

Make no more promises

make no more

explanations—if possible.

Regarding Anne Karger

after this make no

commitments or tie

myself down to engagements

in future—to save

not being able to keep

them and mostly to

avoid feeling guilty

which is now the

case.

Notes:

Anne Karger was the mother of the man sometimes identified as Marilyn's first real love, Fred Karger, whom she met in 1948 when he was a (then-married) voice coach at Columbia Pictures. She stayed on good terms with Anne all her life.

Dr. H. refers to
Dr. Margaret Hohenberg
.

Hedda Rosten had been a close friend of Marilyn’s since 1955 and became her personal assistant for a time. Norman was Hedda’s husband.

“Art” was one of the nicknames Marilyn gave to Arthur Miller.

Milton Greene took many photos of Marilyn before becoming her business partner.

anesthesia and tries in a medical way to comfort

me—everything in the room is white in fact I

can’t even see anyone just white objects—

they cut me open—Strasberg with Hohenberg’s ass.

and there is absolutely nothing there—Strasberg is

deeply disappointed but more even—academically amazed

that he had made such a mistake. He thought there was going

to be so much—more than he had ever dreamed possible in

almost anyone but

instead there was absolutely nothing—devoid

of every human living feeling thing—the only thing

that came out was so finely cut sawdust—like

out of a raggedy ann doll—and the sawdust spills

all over the floor & table and Dr. H is puzzled

because suddenly she realizes that this is a

new type case
of puple
. The patient (pupil—or student—I started to write) existing of complete emptiness

Strasberg’s dreams & hopes for theater are fallen.

Dr. H’s dreams and hopes for a permanent psychiatric cure is given up—Arthur is disappointed—let down +

For D
r
H.

tell about that

dream of the horrible repulsive man—who is trying to

lean too close to me in

elevator—and my panic

and then all my thought

despising him—does that mean

I’m attached

to him

He even looks

like he has

a vener
eal

disease.