Fox Afield (Madison Wolves) (21 page)

"Is it something I did?"

"No."

"Help me to understand."

"I'm just feeling sorry for myself and sulking."

There was a brief hesitation before she said, "It has been my experience that when you're sulking, there's usually a reason. That reason is usually because you are feeling vulnerable about something. Please tell me."

I took a breath, let it out. I tried to decide where to start. "People define who they are in certain ways. Who their sports team is, where they went to school."

"Where they live," Lara said.

"What they do for a living.
"

"What car they drive," Lara added.

I nodded. Maybe she understood. "A year ago, I was Michaela Redfur. I worked in a modest job I enjoyed for the US Fish and Wildlife Department. I lived in Bayfield in a little house I bought myself, using money I had carefully saved. It wasn't much of a house with a small yard and in poor condition, but I've spent years fixing it so it kept the rain off my head and the cold from my bones. It wasn't decorated that tastefully, and all of the furniture was obtained either curbside when someone was throwing it away or in some other cheap fashion. But it was all mine. And the shower worked with plenty of hot water. I drove a run down SUV I'd bought second-hand from a coworker, but I'd paid for it in cash. My most prized possession was my kayak, for which I had saved for two years to be able to afford. I took it out on the lake near my home every single day the weather permitted. And all that would have been how I identified myself."

"No," she said. "First and foremost, Michaela, you are fox."

"Yes, true. And Lara, a year later, that's all I have. Now, I am Michaela Burns. I live in my wife's house in my wife's town. I drive the car my wife bought me. I work at the job my wife gave me. I go kayaking when my wife has time to take me. And when I want to go for a walk alone, I have to ask permission from my wife, which is rarely given, and even then I can expect to be followed. I am still fox, but everything else I am is defined by you, not me."

I brushed another tear away.

"I love you," I told her. "And I am paying a price because you are worth it. But you haven't had to redefine who you are to be with me. I don't have anything from my old life, and sitting in the house I was so proud of, knowing it is no longer mine, hurts."

Lara laid her head against me. When I did that, my head landed on her shoulder. But for her, it landed on the top of my head. It was weird.

"Please don't be upset," I told her.

"I'm sorry," she replied. "I know being together has cost you. I've tried to fix it."

"I know," I said.

I started to cry. Lara made soothing noises. "Why did she have to take my house, Lara? It was the last thing I had that was mine. Why?"

"Oh honey," Lara said, pulling me more fully into her arms.

"I gave up my house for a stupid tradition I don't
really understand," I said. "I gave it up for you. And I'd do it again, but it still feels like the last bit of me, the last thing I had that I built for myself, has been ripped from me. I don't even know if she played me, Lara. She told me it was time, but maybe she played me. Was she trying to hurt me?"

"No, honey," Lara said. "She wasn't trying to hurt you."

I looked up at her. "Was it time?"

"Yes, honey, it was."

"Oh god," I said, the cries turning into sobs, wondering what they had been doing to her that she admitted she'd had enough.

"Shhh," Lara said, holding me.
"I know you don't understand, but don't cry for me. I am so sorry, honey. I've been trying to fix all of this."

"I know," I said. "But it's still all coming from you. A year ago I was an independent fox, living on my own. I didn't realize you were protecting me. I felt reasonably safe, by and large, and I was making my own way in a job I earned. Now I am a kept woman. And anything you fix just drives home that I am kept."

She let me cry a little longer while I pulled myself together.

"I'm being stupid," I said finally. "We should be focusing on Virginia. I need to get back to the coffee shop."

"We have a little time," Lara responded. "Honey, other than moving from Bayfield, all of this is ultimately about money."

I thought about it.

"I have a great deal of my own sweat into my house."

"All right, but it's mostly about money. The car is money. The house is, largely, money. I would move up here in a heartbea
t, if we could, but I can't be alpha from here."

"And
I don't want you to stop being alpha," I said.

"Your share of David's estate would have been six figures, honey. If you had Hadley Smith arguing for you, it might have reached seven figures."

"A million dollars?" I asked.

"Yes. And
all you got was a car. I got most of the money that should have been yours. Elisabeth got some for helping you and more for finishing off Natalie. The kids who were kidnapped got the rest. Of the portion that didn't revert to the pack, that is."

"If I had been a pack member at the time?"

"You wouldn't be rich, but you wouldn't be feeling kept, either."

"I wouldn't feel like it were my money, though. I didn't earn it."

"As far as the pack is concerned, you did," Lara retorted firmly.

I looked away. "It's not the money, anyway, it's the identity. Even the house, it's not the house. I was proud of what I had done with the house, but it's that my identity is so wrapped up in it."

"You have made a lot of friends in the last year. Does that please you?"

"Yes," I said. "Very much."

"Do you think your friends ever identified you by your car or your house?"

"I was 'that fox from Bayfield'."

"Yes, to people who didn't know you. But to your friends?"

I thought about that for a while. I started crying again, but it was good crying.

"They would identify you for being bold, brave, and feisty," Lara said. "Your hair, your fox, your independence-"

"-That you try to take away!"

"No, honey. I don't. I try to keep you safe because that is who I am. That is part of my identity."

"They call me a shrew."

She sighed. "I will be talking to Hadley about that one. They do not call you a shrew. You have a temper, but when it shows, there is usually a good reason for it, and honestly, I wouldn't want you to tone it down. I have a temper, too, and you are far better about controlling your actions when you are angry than I am. You are not a shrew."

I cuddled into her.

"I understand why you're upset. Elisabeth shouldn't have taken your house. I understand why she did. There is a portion of me that is happy she did, but that portion is dwarfed by knowing it wasn't your decision."

"Why are you happy about it?"

"Because I think it was time for you to let go of the house so we can move forward together. But I wanted you to come to that conclusion on your own, and I would not have wanted you pushed into it."

I got angry. "And what are you giving up from your past, Lara?"

"I've spent-" she started to say.

"Oh, do not go there!" I yelled. "You have spent money. Money I didn't ask you to spend. Do you define yourself by your money? When you paid my ransom, what percent of your net worth did you pay? Because I paid about half of mine. What did you give up for me that identifies you, Lara? Did you give up your home? Your job? What?"

She searched my angry face before replying. "You're right," she said calmly. "You've given up quite a lot. I've done everything I can think of to make up for that, all the while knowing it wasn't going to be enough. I'm sorry."

I settled down and snuggled back into her, speaking quietly. "I told you the prices I've been paying were worth it, and that I'd pay them again. I'm just feeling sorry for myself. You've given me so much. I'll get past this, but I don't want to step foot in that house again. All right?"

"All right," she said.

"I am going to ask Benny if I may rent space for my kayak. I presume Elisabeth isn't claiming the kayak as part of the house."

"No, she isn't."

"I want my outdoor gear," I said. "Elisabeth can do whatever she wants with the rest.
If no one wants it, I'll take my remaining silver, too. I have things all over the house, the things I haven't taken to the compound already. Will you arrange to move my things for me?"

"Yes, honey."

"Thank you." I kissed her neck. "I am going to talk to Benny. I know we have to go. Will you pick me up downtown? I'm going to buy some fudge for everyone."

"Of course," she said. "Honey, have you talk to Vivian about
these?"

"No," I said in a small voice.

"Call her after you talk to Benny."

She helped me to my feet, and, arm in arm, we walked back up the dock. I kissed her quickly then turned off to find Benny.

Benny was very understanding.

I called Vivian. She answered on the second ring.

"Did Lara find you?" she asked.

"Yes. I'm not melting down or anything. I just needed a little pity party, and I don't like having them in front of people."

"About the house?"

"Partly, yes." I explained about the loss of identity. She told me some of the same things Lara had. We went back and forth about it. We didn't get very far. While talking to her quietly, I bought fudge and waited for Lara to pick me up.

"I need to go," I told her as Lara pulled up. "I'm fine, Vivian. Or as fine as can be expected."

* * * *

Back at the motel, the fudge was popular. I pulled Karen aside and told her, "You didn't deserve the cayenne. I'm sorry. I should have made sure it was Lara who got it."

She hugged me. "Forgiven," she said. "Was it for Lara? Or was it for Elisabeth?"

I pulled away and looked at her. "I don't know," I admitted. "I wouldn't be apologizing if it had been either of them."

"If Lara orders me to follow you, you know I have to."

"I know. I won't do that again. But I don't promise not to lose you."

"We can't protect you if we don't know where you are," Karen said.

"Do you really think I need protection so badly that I can't be allowed to go for a walk alone?"

"I think this falls under the category of 'better safe than sorry'."

"And I think it falls under the category of, 'Give me Liberty or Give me Death'."

"Your friends," she said, stressing that word, "do not want anything to happen to you."

"Your friends," I retorted, raising my voice, "don't want anything to happen to you, either. Why am I the only adult in the pack who needs a babysitter? Is my judgment deemed that flawed?"

"Enforcer!" Elisabeth said in a firm voice. "Do not respond to that."

Elisabeth crossed the room to stand in front of me, looking down at me. "It is not your judgment in question, Michaela." She said it gently.

"I can take care of myself, and I have the body count to prove it. Should we ask Garth's or Avery's opinions?
Maybe we should compare my body count to yours."

"It is not your fierceness that is in question," Elisabeth said. "Nor is it your judgment or your clever, foxy wit."

"Then why do I require a babysitter and no one else does? If Lara tells you she is going for a walk alone, do you follow her?"

"No," Elisabeth said.

"So this whole Alpha thing is lip service?"

"No," Elisabeth said again. "Lara is not a kidnap target. Neither am I, nor is Karen or anyone else in the pack. Except you. You are a grade A, prime kidnap target."

"Because I am a fox, or because I am Lara's mate."

"Because you are Lara's mate."

I stared into her face. "I am pretty sure that anyone willing to kidnap an alpha's mate would be at least as interested in a fox hunt. And I have dealt with plenty of those in the past."

"You have dealt quite successfully with the occasional wolf working alone or with a very small number of friends. You have been anonymous when doing so. You are no longer anonymous. You are perhaps the most famous were in North America, or darned close to it. And that places you amongst the most eligible kidnap targets in North America by forces that make your previous encounters look like a game of flag football.
Do you want to imagine the damage to the pack if you are kidnapped?"

"So, you aren't protecting me, you're protecting the pack. I represent a pack liability."

"No," said Lara, interjecting herself into the conversation. "You represent a highly valued pack asset that could be perceived as vulnerable."

I turned to face her. "Highly valued?"

"Yes."

I tried not to smile. "Appealing to my vanity isn't fair."

She shrugged.

I turned back to Elisabeth. "All right, I will concede that point, but I believe you deeply overstate the nature of any danger."