Found: A Mother for His Son (12 page)

“Just a couple of nights. I didn’t plan my food situation very well, and since I don’t hunt or fish, I decided that the home situation with food was probably better than the freedom situation without food. The hell of it was, nobody even mentioned my absence. Years later I learned that my dad had followed me, and stayed a way off watching me, making sure I was fine.” He laughed. “Next time I ran away I took more food.”

“But you went home again?”

“I always went home because home is home. It grounds you.”

“And your parents…”

“Living in Costa Rica now. They wanted to retire to someplace warm all the time, so they’re whiling away their retirement in a little cottage overlooking the beach. It’s a good life, and a nice home there for the family, when we care to go and visit.”

“You make a very nice home here for Max,” she said.

“It’s not enough. He has stability with his grandparents, much more than he has with me. And I always feel guilty that the structure of his life is so up and down. It always has been.”

“Even with his mother, before she had problems?” She hadn’t meant to ask, but it had just popped out. “I’m sorry, Dermott. I didn’t mean…”

“No need to apologize for what’s so obvious. Nancy was a good mother for a little while. She adored Max, loved dressing him up and taking him out, showing off all the cute little outfits she’d bought for him. But then one day she wasn’t a good mother any longer. She hated the responsibilities. Hated being held down. Hated everything about it.”

“What did you do?”

“My practice was busy and I couldn’t take time off to watch Max, so Nancy’s parents stepped in for me most of the time. And when they couldn’t, a couple of the young girls in town were happy to help. It worked out, and Nancy didn’t seem to mind the arrangement.”

But Dermott had. She could see that written all over him—in the tight way he folded his arms across his chest, in the clenching of his jaw, the frown creasing his brow. “Many children are raised by caregivers these days. It works out.”

His eyes softened for a moment as he looked over at her. “For Max, it was a blessing. A lot of people loved that little boy. A lot of people, except his mother.” Then his eyes went black. “The big secret, Jenna. The one people whisper about but never quite say aloud…Nancy didn’t just die of natural causes or an overdose, as you’ve probably already guessed. She killed herself. We were separated by then because I didn’t trust her with Max. She went to her parents’ house one day when they had him, took him away from them, put him in the car…” He swallowed hard. “She was high, according to the medical examiner. Don’t know if she was when she went to Frank and Irene’s, or if it happened afterwards. But she hit a pole. Didn’t even put on her brakes when she was heading right at it.”

“Max wasn’t hurt?”

Dermott shook his head slowly. “Max wasn’t hurt,” he whispered, his voice wobbling. “But he was so frightened.”

“Thank God he was safe.” She scooted over close to Dermott, took his hand in hers. “It wasn’t your fault,” she said softly. “I know you blame yourself because you were working and not with Max when it happened, not there to stop Nancy from taking him, and I’m so sorry for everything that happened, but what counts is the way you’re raising Max now. The rest is…over.” Easy to say, not easy to take to heart, and she knew that better than anyone.

“I’d filed for divorce already. She wasn’t happy with me, or with our life together, so I wanted to let her go and find whatever made her happy, and I never wanted her to…die. But she couldn’t let go of…”

“Home,” Jenna supplied. “Because home is home.” It was a concept Jenna was only just now beginning to understand.

He sighed. “She hurt so many people here. They trusted her, saw a lovely woman. And she was, JJ. That’s the hell of it. She was a lovely woman who never changed in the eyes of the people here. But she did change in ways no one could see and I never could find a way to make that right. Not for her, not for us. Which is why I’d already separated from her. Because of Max, she scared me, and I didn’t trust her. Didn’t trust her with our son, either. That’s why I have to make it right for Max now. Uprooting him from the only security he knows would be a terrible thing to do because he does need his…home. More now than ever. I don’t want him afraid any more.”

“Was he afraid of her?”

Dermott nodded. “I think so. He’s never said anything, but I think he must have been.”

Jenna’s heart broke for both of them—for Dermott, for the guilt he felt, and for Max for being afraid of the person he’d trusted to take care of him. She understood how that felt. Fearing her father had been far worse than the feel of his leather belt cracking down on her flesh, or the bone of his knuckle slamming into her cheekbone. Her fear was always the worst part because it never went away. Eventually, the pain did. Until the next time.

“That’s why I have to be here for Max, no matter what. I wasn’t there for Nancy the way she needed, but I’ll always be here for my son.”

“But what about your best interests, Dermott? Doesn’t that count for anything?”

“No.”

He stared straight at her when he said the word, and it was so full of cold, empty sadness it caused a chill to run up her arms. This was the old Dermott, every last bit of him. But now he was marred by time and tragedy. He was there, though, and not buried so deep that she had to look very hard to find him. And when she looked, she knew she wasn’t leaving Dermott, or Fort Dyott, for a while. Not unless he sent her away.

Maybe, for a little while, this
could
be home. Dermott made her want it to be.

T
HEY
ate, drank a little more wine, explored the riverbank for rocks, and waded into the water up to their ankles. “It’s cold!” Jenna squealed, trying to pull away from Dermott, who had a firm grip on her wrist. The unexpected chill of early fall had already spread its way up her back and she was shivering. But as much from his touch as the cold.

“It’s cold because you’re a city girl. If you lived out here, it would be invigorating, not cold.”

“I’ll admit it, I’m city.” She tried pulling away again, but his hold only tightened and her shivers only romped up and down even harder. So she tried backing away from him, but he moved forward as she went backwards.

“A city girl who’s about to take a plunge into good, hearty Canadian water coming straight down from the mountains. Good thing it’s still summer waters, or else they’d be
really
cold.”

“No.” She laughed nervously. “You wouldn’t. Would you?” Again, she tried to break free but this time he pulled her straight into his chest. “You’re not going to let me go until you turn me into a shivering ice sculpture, are you?” They’d let go of all the serious topics a while ago, trying not to allow the pall of past tragedies to slip down over their evening, and she was amazed by how much fun she was having with him now, doing something silly like wading in ice-cold water.

“I think you’d be a beautiful ice sculpture,” he said, his voice raspy, and not because of the chilly water. “Perfect lines. Perfect design.” The look he gave her was very suggestive. “Nice, curvaceous chiseling. A masterwork in ice, or in anything else.”

“Ice sculpture isn’t in the job description,” she said, laughing as the struggle in her started melting into acquiescence. In all honesty, she wasn’t that cold, standing this close to him. She was just afraid
not
to be cold because anything else imposed a meaning on her shivers and goose-bumps she just didn’t want to be there.

“Then you didn’t read the job description. Page six, the fine print at the bottom of the page. The clause that specifically states that the doctor is allowed to have his way with the nurse in the cold, mountain stream, even if that involves ice sculptures.”

“Page seven, fine print at the bottom specifically states that the nurse is entitled to fight back any way she can.” Except she didn’t feel much like fighting back. But this was just too…cozy. Too dangerous. And there was no one to walk through the closet door to stop them once they got started, the way her supervisor had that day. So Jenna feigned a stumble over one of the rocks and in the instant he let go to catch her she made her move. A quick spin in the other direction and she was halfway to the bank before he caught up with her.

“Good move,” he said, kicking a little water at her as she dodged him and turned downstream.

“There’s more where that came from,” she called back over her shoulder, not steady enough to both turn around to see where he was while keeping her footing. She chose steady footing, laughing so hard as she slipped and slid over the smooth river rocks that she wasn’t paying much attention to where she was going.

“I think I like your moves,” he called back. “They’ve gotten better over the years. More seductive.”

“You think I’m trying to seduce you?” she called back, then paused for a second to hear his response. That’s when he grabbed her from behind, then, in the blink of an eye, they were locked in a kiss so hard, so swift, it threatened to rob her of breath. There was so much urgency in the way his mouth claimed hers, in the way his tongue explored places no one else had ever explored. No one but Dermott.

“It’s too cold here for this,” she finally managed to say. “I think we should…” Before the rest of her words were out, she was in his arms and he was carrying her back to their picnic spot then lowering her to the blanket next to the fire he’d built earlier. And this time there were no barriers. No cold water. No slippery rocks. Only the crackling of the warm fire, and a soft blanket to protect them from the rough pine needles and twigs on the ground. Her perfect fantasy, once-upon-a-time.

He was beautiful, in the orange glow cast off by the firelight. As he stood over her pulling first his jacket over his head, then his shirt, all she could do was stare. It was a body she knew so well, one she’d explored so thoroughly, yet it was new to her again. There was a different hardness in the muscles of his abdomen, his shoulders were broader. And his hips, as his jeans slid down over them, were tighter. “Are you sure?” he asked, as his jeans rode down over the bulge of his erection.

Of many things, no. Of this…“You remembered my birthday, didn’t you?”

He grinned. “And if I said yes?”

“Then I’d say yes.”

“And if I said no?”

“I’d still say yes.”

“Yes,” he whispered. “I remembered.”

“Yes,” she whispered back. “I’m sure.”

Three simple words, and Dermott dropped to his knees above her, straddling her. Then he bent to kiss her again, but this time more tenderly. “I remembered so many other things,” he said, his voice hoarse with desire. “Didn’t want to, but I did.”

“So did I. Like, this.” She entwined her fingers around his neck and pulled him closer to her, and parted his lips with her tongue to enjoy the taste of him. Pure ambrosia. He’d always tasted of pure ambrosia, and nothing had changed. Their kiss turned urgent again, but this time from her urgency more than his.

“I’m wet,” she finally whispered, to which he responded with a moan.

“Not like that, Dermott. My clothes are…soaked.”

He pushed off her for a moment, then grinned. “Is that an invitation?”

“More like a demand. I’m freezing.”

It didn’t take him but two seconds to strip away everything she wore, and it didn’t take him but another two seconds to cover her right breast with his hand while his lips sought the nipple on her left. His tongue flicked back and forth as she literally bit down on her lower lip to keep from crying out. Not that anybody out here would have heard her. But she didn’t want to cry out yet, didn’t want to do anything to cause him to stop what he was doing, even if stopping meant he would move on to something even more pleasurable. She wanted time to stand still at this place and time, so she could enjoy Dermott’s every nuance. It had been so long, and she’d had so many fantasies about his lips on her…exploring her, tasting her, giving her so much pleasure…

Still, she couldn’t help the moan that did pass through her lips. It escaped as he left her breast and began his journey down…down…“Dermott,” she gasped. That was all she had to say. In the next instant, he had nudged in between her legs but…What was he doing? He was moving, but not with her. More like he was struggling against her. “What?” she asked, so aroused even this unusual movement of his naked body on hers felt good.

He chuckled low and deep. “You’ll see.” And she did. In one swift motion, he rolled her over, twice, and they were literally wrapped in a cocoon inside the blanket—wrapped so tightly together nothing could have come between them.

It was odd…stimulating…feeling him literally bound to her. Feeling the total press of him to her, inch to inch, breath to breath.

“You like?” he asked.

“I like. But how are we going to—?”

Apparently, Dermott knew the answer to her question, as he plunged deep inside her…not in a big, explosive way, but in such an intimate, close way where they never parted, not even for a fraction of a second. It was like nothing she’d ever felt before and she could have stayed there, just like that, forever. Their lovemaking, constrained by the blankets, wasn’t fast, neither was it urgent. But it was so intense that when they could no longer hold off their release, Jenna was almost sad. Happy, yet sad. And satisfied in a way she hadn’t known possible. Not even with Dermott all those years ago.

Afterwards, in no hurry to go anywhere or do anything, they stayed cocooned in their blanket, exchanging gentle kisses, relishing the feel of spent passion and warm fire and total connection.

“You OK?” he finally asked a little while later. “Warm enough?”

“Fine,” she said, almost purring like a kitten.

“Is this something we need to talk about, or act on?”

“You mean like should we have done what we just did?”

“I meant you still naked under that blanket, me still naked under the blanket…”

“Is that why you brought me out here, Dermott? To seduce me?”

“Maybe.”

“Well, all I can say is that I’ve always thought in terms of the perfect seduction as something with silk sheets and champagne. But fleecy cotton and river water certainly have an appeal.” This was nice—innocent flirting leading to something much nicer again. And it was leading them right back. They were side-by-side now, still in their blanket, although the cocoon was rather loose, and she tucked her head into his chest and nuzzled closer. “It doesn’t always have to be so complicated, does it? I mean, why not enjoy the moment without overthinking it?”

Dermott laughed. “You, not overthink? When has that ever happened?”

“A little while ago, when the blanket was tight and there was nothing but us…” She sighed, then snuggled a little more. “I’ll bet you never had anything like this in mind when you came up here as a little boy.”

He ducked his head and whispered in her ear. “Want to see what the big boy has on his mind…again?”

“Definitely,” she whispered back. “And quickly, before I start to overthink.”

“You didn’t happen to bring marshmallows to roast over the fire, did you?”

They’d stayed wrapped in that blanket another hour, talking, making love, talking some more. It was only when the chill of the night overtook them that they had to resign themselves to clothes made warm by the fire and jackets and a spot for the blanket much closer to the fire so they could stay warm.

“What’s a bonfire without marshmallows?” And seduction. Damn, what had he been thinking? What they’d done…he didn’t take it lightly. Right now he wanted, no, he
needed
their working relationship to succeed. What he wanted was something entirely different, something that came with more blankets and marshmallows and moments by the fire. But he couldn’t have it, couldn’t give it either. Even if he could, Jenna deserved more than what he had here for her. She was like a sparrow on the end of the branch, always on the verge of taking flight. He knew that. Knew that when he’d first met her, knew that over the years when he’d asked various colleagues what they’d heard about Jenna Lawson and they’d told him she’d moved on again.

And here he was, trying to hold onto something that didn’t want to be caught. Not that he wanted to catch it so much as he simply wanted that connection between them again. It had been nice then, and so much nicer now. Yet jumping into any kind of a relationship with anyone, especially Jenna, was just plain irresponsible at this point in his life. He knew that as well as he knew he was holding onto a bag of marshmallows, overthinking. Overthinking, damn it! Overthinking, just like Jenna did.

Still, his heart was telling him that Jenna wasn’t a mistake when in every possible way Jenna herself was telling him she was. So would the bigger fool ignore his heart, or would he ignore the clear warnings from the woman he’d lost his heart to all those years ago and, it seemed, never gotten over? “Yep, I’ve got the marshmallows, and you get to go find the sticks,” he said, tossing them at her.

“You think of everything,” Jenna said, running off to a nearby thicket to look for a couple of sticks for the toasting.

“That’s the problem,” he muttered to himself, as he plunked down by the fire. “I think I probably do.”

“I, um…I came by to thank the doc for his house call the other night. And you too. I know I should have done this sooner but we’ve been driving back and forth to Edmonton so much, and with Alisa being upset the way she has been…”

Ron Charney looked uncomfortable standing in the doorway, unsure whether to come all the way in or speak his piece and leave. For a moment, Jenna wondered if his wife had come with him, but when she thought further about it, she knew better.

“We’ve been calling to check on Joshua, and the reports are excellent. He’s doing better than expected.” Stiff conversation, but what else was there? “Would you like to speak with Dermott?”

The man shook his head. “I’ve got to get going. Alisa and I are going back down to the hospital today, and it’s a long drive. But I wanted to do the right thing here. And I’m sorry for…” He swallowed hard. “For everything. The doc deserved better.”

He did, but it wouldn’t do any good to make Ron feel any worse about the situation than he already did. The man looked totally torn up by this. Probably a combination of his wife’s reactions and what might have happened to his son if she’d gotten her way, and his worry over his son. That, coupled with exhaustion from the long drives back and forth caused Jenna to worry about him. He was pale. Looked stressed. “Are you feeling well, Mr. Charney? Would you like Dr. Callahan to have a look at you?”

“I’m a little tired. But it’ll get better when we get Joshua home in a few days. Maybe when things settle down I’ll stop by for a physical…if you think he’ll see me.”

“Of course he’ll see you! He does understand your wife’s feelings, and he won’t hold that against you if you need him.”

“Feelings that could have killed my son.” He shook his head. “Sorry, that’s not your problem.”

But it was a big one the Charneys would have to face sooner or later, and she felt sorry for them. “Well, to make things easier for your wife, when you get Joshua home, we’ve made arrangements to have one of the doctors over in Muledeer take over his care. It’s still a long drive, but not nearly as long as going to Edmonton, and under the circumstances we thought it would be in Joshua’s best interests to make that change. But in the mean time, if you need anything, we’re available here, for any of you. And that includes Joshua’s care when he’s home, if Alisa changes her mind.”

“I appreciate that, ma’am, but I don’t think…” Pausing, he shook his head. “With things being the way they are, I don’t think Alisa will let the doc near Joshua again, but I do appreciate what you’ve done. And like I said, I don’t have those same feelings so I’ll be calling for an appointment soon.”