Forgotten Love (Derrien Island Trilogy) (9 page)

Usually
, teaching her class of twenty-eight four to five year olds was mildly fun but today it was like a nightmare.

The Marsha
ll twins were at it again today. First, they spilled paint all over her desk when she was helping some other students in the class and from then it was a litany of complaints about stolen lunch and someone hitting someone else to her ripping a part of her skirt on a piece of wire jutting out from the storage cupboard. Then the parent teachers conference after school was heart-wrenching to say the least for her after she had to sit and listen to one particular parent complain about what they considered her,
‘ ineffective teaching’
.

Natasha, trying to force the images from her mind splashed water onto her face and pinched her cheeks before
drying off her face on the nearby face towel.  Thankfully, the day had come to an end and she was finally at home. Feeling relieved that it was all somehow over at least until tomorrow. At times like these, when she desperately needed cheering up, a song that she loved often came to mind. Looking over her shoulder in the mirror to make sure that the door was closed and feeling satisfied that Marcus was not home as yet she decided to sing.

“
It’s gonna be, it’s gonna be, a lovely day
!
There’s love and joy coming my way
...”

Her rich voice filled the room
, and as she sang she began to feel alive again, and felt a sense of joy returning to her. Spying her hairbrush on the counter, she picked it up and held it to her lips as she moved her hips to the beat in her mind and closed her eyes as she became totally enveloped in the song. As she did so her happiness was bittersweet, because like her art, having a career in singing was the biggest dream that she had given up any hope of coming true. A lone tear escaped her right eye and she suddenly sensed a presence behind her. She did not need to open her eyes to know who stood behind her, because she recognized the warm, woodsy aroma of the man she had fallen in love with and married, Marcus Nicholls.

“I always love to hear you sing
. Your voice is so beautiful honey!” he whispered softly now that she’d caught him.

As she opened her eyes she saw him
leaning against the bathroom door, devastatingly handsome as ever in a black jeans and off-white short-sleeved shirt that exposed the lean toned muscles in his arms as he crossed them over his chest, watching her with clear admiration in his eyes.

Clearing her throat
, Natasha fidgeted with the top button on her blouse.

“I didn’
t hear you come in!” she said.

“I knocked
twice but I figured you were too into your song to hear me, so I decided to enjoy the show,” he said.

“
Perhaps!” replied Natasha withdrawing instinctively into the shell of protection she kept around her heart. She did not like Marcus to see her sing anymore, it was just too painful.

“I wish you would sing more often
to me like you used to. You seem so happy when you do!” he commented. “In fact, I wish you would reconsider singing at the restaurant again. The customers have been asking for you.”

“I’m sure they are,” she said a little too crisply.

Marcus knew when to back off on the issue and chose not to respond to her final statement.

“I wanted to share some news with you!” he said instead.

“What is it?”

“Well, I would rather not say, here in the bathroom, so if you don’t mind Mrs. Nicholls, will you follow me to the living room?” he said invitingly while wiggling his eyebrows.

Natasha could not help the laugh that rose out of her. Marcus could be so funny sometimes and she always thought his eyebrow wiggling impression was hilarious.

“Okay, let’s go!”

After she sat on the sofa, Marcus drew up a foot rest
so that he could sit directly in front of her.

“
I have some really good news to share with you,” he said with barely veiled excitement.

“What is it?” asked Natasha searching his face with
her eyes.

“I did not tell you
about all of this up front because I wasn’t sure how it would all work out. But, I submitted my novels to a literary agent in California and they managed to get my books to Emerald Publishing House. I finally got a book deal! He exclaimed excitedly.

“Really, Marcus, that’s great! Wow, you’ve been hiding this all this time?”
squealed Natasha with delight.

“Yes
, but I did not want to get my hopes up too high, just in case it all fell through. The publishers loved my work so much that they want more books and will fly me in next week to discuss the contract.”

Natasha could see Marcus’ excitement and she felt so proud of him in that moment. It had been his dream to become a
published author for years and now his hard work and those late nights and early morning’s spent at the computer were finally paying off for him. She leaned forward instinctively and wrapped her arms around his neck and hugged him as he encircled her waist with his arms. It felt so good to hug him and it almost felt like it had in the beginning.

“Let’s celebrate, I am going to take you out to dinner Mr. Nicholls, you deserve it!” she said genuinely happy for him.

“Nat, this is a real dream come true for me and I know that you know just how much all of this really means to me. Thanks for your support, I could not have done it without you!” he said sincerely.

As he said that, a thought crossed her mind, one that she had been trying to push away for a while now
; one that always painted her green and sallow with envy. What was wrong with her? She needed to focus on what her husband managed to accomplish. She fought within herself but the more she allowed herself to feel happiness for him, it deepened the chasm of sadness that she felt for herself. What about her dreams and goals? Would she ever realize them?

After their baby
girl was stillborn, she had been devastated for months but she had recovered with the help of her therapist Dr. Moreno. During those sessions they had discussed the possibility of her going to finish her degree and still launching a singing career. But, when she broached the topic of moving to the US with Marcus, his response was always the same. He was satisfied with being in Derrien and never wanted to return to living there. Every time he said no, she felt a little angrier and a little more trapped, because she knew that if he would just cooperate a little she could get some of the things that meant a lot to her back on track too. Now he was here thanking her for her support in achieving his goals again.

Her support
? What about his support?

Suddenly
, she drew away from his arms, stood up and walked across the room.

“Nat? What’s wrong?
” inquired Marcus noting the abrupt change in his wife’s demeanour as she walked away from him and went to stand beside the window.

“You know
, Marcus I really am happy for you! I really am!” she said as a hard edge crept into her voice despite her efforts to suppress it.

“Well you have a strange way of showing it!” he retorted.
“Why did you just walk away from me?”

“It’s just that once again our achievements seem so one-sided!
I am glad that the world will see what a great author you are, after all you have written me some really wonderful poetry over the years but, I just can’t help feeling stuck!”

“Are you saying that’s
my fault?”

“No, well yes, in a way
! I don’t know what I am saying Marcus! I just don’t like feeling this way. ”

“
I can’t believe that you are blaming me again for how things turned out. I thought we put all of that behind us! I was not alone in my actions that night we made love for the first time and I have never regretted one moment of our time together. I know that your getting pregnant was not the plan but...”

“That’s an understatement
,” said Natasha interrupting what she knew would be another attempt to placate her and emphasize that they both made the decision to have sex that night in her apartment. This conversation always began the same and ended the same every time.

“No Marcus, you put it behind you! I’m still stuck at the same place
I was six years ago.”

“But Natasha, surely you don’t expect that everything in your life would have turned out exactly as you planned it?
Things change and we all have to adjust to suit,” said Marcus hoping that they weren’t on the verge of rehashing the past again. Natasha just needed to learn that she just couldn’t have it all. Everyone had to deal with unexpected changes in life, and she was no exception.

“No
Marcus, I don’t expect that everything would have been exactly as I planned it, but I did not expect that it would be that nothing either!”

“Not this again Natasha!” s
houted Marcus standing and folding his arms impatiently. “This was supposed to be a special evening of celebration that I wanted to share with you, not some rehashing of how you never get what you want in life! You need to get over the past and get over yourself!”

A
s soon as the words came out of his mouth he instantly regretted them when he saw the look of hurt in his wife’s eyes, but what came next was chilling. It was as though somehow the light went out of her eyes and she slipped away inside of herself.

“Natasha, look I’m sorry I did not mean it like that!”

But it was too late; Natasha wordlessly walked past him and out of the front door and slammed it behind her rattling the pane of decorative frosted glass that it framed till he thought that it would shatter.

Marcus
was left standing alone in the middle of their living room, biting on his lower lip while exhaling with frustration. He knew that he should go after her, but what really could he say to her that could make the situation any better! Now the entire evening was ruined!

Outside Natasha walked across the expansive grounds of the property as she retreated to what used to be her favourite spot in the garden, the mahogany tree!
She could always somehow find that connection she and Marcus once shared by just sitting beneath its wide leafy canopy and reminiscing on the wonderful moments they shared there over the years. But somehow today, as she sat beneath it, she felt no comfort, felt no love or understanding. It was as though she had somehow gone numb inside.

Not even the spectacular view held any appeal for her now. Marcus had finally shown his true feelings on the matter. It was as though she was some kind of petulant child who was constantly whining and complaining just because she could not get what she wanted. He made it seem as though her dreams were as frivolous as a new dress or a pair of earrings. How had she not seen what a monster he could be before? What was she supposed to do for the rest of her life, pay penance for making the mistake of falling madly in love with
him and having his child? Endure the pity of everyone at her parent’s church who gossiped mercilessly about her rushed wedding and pregnancy and never forget the embarrassment she caused her parents and family members? Why was she the only one still paying the price while everyone else had moved on and were living their lives?

Every time
she offered to perform a solo in church her own father said no. She could only sing when she was hidden away in the middle of a one hundred voice choir. She knew it was because he still hadn’t forgiven her for the ridicule he faced because of her. Her mother never gave the issue of her and Marcus having another child a rest, and was always dropping hints about it. No one seemed to care that she felt that she somehow no longer qualified for her purpose in life and that she somehow no longer deserved it. She was stuck teaching four year olds how to make a potato print on a piece of canvas, a career that was never in her plans. But once again, she was trying to keep her parent’s happy; after all they dropped her name to the principal, so it really was because of them she got the job.

As Natasha sat beneath the mahogany
tree, she drew her knees up to her chest and rested her forehead on them. She waited for the tears to come but they never did, instead she felt a cool hardness creep into her heart and she welcomed the feeling like a comfort because at this moment it felt a whole lot better than the pain.

March
18th, Azure Lodge

7:00 a.m.
Present day

The knocking at the door
was really becoming annoying but Marcus was determined to block it all out! Still partially clothed in the tuxedo he wore to the wedding the previous evening, he looked like a total train wreck and he did not care. He was not a person who drank alcohol, but for the first time in his life he wished he could have something he could take to deaden the throbbing pain he was feeling in his head and heart. Someone was calling his name from beyond the door but somehow his legs felt like two numb pieces of wood.

After Natasha drove off last night, and he could not get into his car he went back inside to call her on her cell and as he did he heard her phone ring on the side table near the bed. He threw
his phone across the room and it dismantled as it crashed against the wall.