Forgotten: a truly gripping psychological thriller (26 page)

‘That was really good,’ Kai sighed. ‘I wish I’d ordered it as a main course.’

Mark smiled but his expression was distant.

‘You look miles away.’

‘Sorry,’ he said, smiling. ‘Just thinking.’

‘Anything interesting?’

‘You know earlier I said I had a suggestion, something that I thought might help?’

Kai nodded, eager to hear what he had to say.

‘Well, after what you’ve said this evening, I’m not sure you need my help. You might think it’s a bad idea.’

‘Why don’t you tell me? Let me decide before you write it off completely,’ Kai suggested. ‘If I don’t like it I can always say no. I’m capable of making up my own mind.’

‘Okay,’ Mark nodded as though he was still considering whether or not this was a good plan. ‘I was going to suggest that you go back to where you fell, to see if it jogs your memory. You never know, it might even save you a lot of time.’

Kai suddenly felt cold despite the oppressive heat of the evening. She had a sudden flash of the memory from her first session with Ellen, water through trees, a hazy glimpse of a face. Instead of relief though, these scraps of recollection brought a feeling of dread. She wasn’t sure if she was ready for such a direct approach to her problem. She was just starting to accept her amnesia, to accept that putting herself back together again would be a long process and this might be just the kind of shock that she didn’t need.

‘I don’t know,’ she said, playing for time until she could make some sense of her feelings. ‘It might not be such a good idea. I’ve kind of accepted the long route to recovery. I’m not that keen on the idea of forcing things. I’m worried that it might be a bit much.’

Mark nodded, but he looked disappointed that his idea had been rejected.

‘I can understand that,’ he said. ‘It was only a suggestion. I suppose, because I’m moving on in a few days, I’m being a bit selfish. I just wanted to leave you knowing I’d done everything I could to help.’

Kai smiled and almost reached for his hand. ‘You’ve been great. I don’t know what I would have done without you. I’d probably still be rotting away in that hospital waiting for someone to find me.’

Mark smiled and Kai saw that she’d pacified him. She didn’t want to reject him after he’d been so good to her, but it was time for her to stand on her own two feet. The problem was, the more she thought about it the more she was trying to convince herself that the trip might be a good idea. This slow trickle of recognition was reassuring but what if it wasn’t enough? What if her predictions were wrong and she never found all the pieces of the jigsaw? Worse still, what if the worst happened and she’d passed up a chance to help herself? The indecision was gnawing at her consciousness, gently but insistently, and she felt her resolve weakening.

Just as she was about to ask Mark more about his idea their main courses arrived, saving her from further conversation. Kai found that the sudden rush of emotion and the nausea of confusion had made her lose her appetite. The tomato sauce on her pasta suddenly looked unattractive especially where it was clotted around olives and pieces of tuna. She teased it with her fork but couldn’t face putting any of the spaghetti in her mouth.

‘Something wrong?’ Mark asked around a mouthful of his pizza.

‘I think the salad must’ve filled me up. I can’t seem to face this.’

‘So don’t eat it,’ Mark shrugged. ‘It’s not like it’s the most expensive restaurant in the world. And besides…’

‘I’m paying,’ Kai finished for him with a smile. She managed to wipe most of the sauce from a fork full of pasta and put it in her mouth. She knew it was good. The pasta was perfectly cooked with just a little resistance as she bit into it and the tomato sauce was tangy with a hint of sweet basil. Encouraged, Kai tried another mouthful but this one defeated her. She dropped her fork in frustration and took a long pull on her beer, closing her eyes to enjoy the cool of the liquid.

Mark was still pulling his pizza apart, using his knife to score it into sections and then eating each one with his hands, completely unselfconscious. A smudge of tomato sauce had collected in each corner of his mouth, but his napkin lay ignored beside his plate as he continued to devour his meal.

‘I take it that’s good.’

‘Hmm? Oh, yeah, their pizzas are the best in town. Do you want a piece?’

Kai could tell from his eyes that Mark didn’t really want to share his food. She suddenly imagined him as a scruffy mongrel guarding his bowl with a growl.

‘What’s funny?’ Mark asked as the thought made Kai smile.

‘Nothing, you just look like you really enjoyed that.’

Mark smiled, picked up his napkin and began to dab at his lips. He checked his hands and wiped each finger in turn before holding them out for Kai’s inspection.

‘Clean enough?’

‘You’ll do I suppose. Look, about your idea. I’m sorry I dismissed it before I’d given it some thought. It might not be so awful but I’m a bit scared of how I’ll react when I get to where it happened. It might bring something back, but it might not be something I want to remember. To be honest I think it could be worth a try, but it’s not something I’d want to do on my own.’

‘Okay, how about if I were to come with you? It’s only a few hours by bus, we could easily get there and back in a day.’

‘How do you know? You sound like you already had this planned, like you knew I’d say yes.’

‘Hey, don’t be so suspicious. I read about your accident in the papers. I was curious so I checked to find out where it happened. It’s just off a popular tourist route called ‘The Loop’. There are bound to be plenty of buses. All we have to do is check at the bus station, get a good map and we could easily find the spot, or close enough. I’d need to spend tomorrow making a few enquiries but we could go the next day.’

It was all a bit hurried. Kai didn’t want to be rushed but she couldn’t seem to come up with any reasonable objections once she’d accepted the plan. Besides, Mark was heading back to Bangkok so they didn’t have the luxury of time. She could spend tomorrow reading the last few pages of her journal and mentally preparing for the trip. How bad could it be?

‘Okay,’ she decided. ‘Let’s do it. If I don’t try, I might end up regretting it and the worst that can happen is that I don’t remember anything.’

Mark smiled and raised his bottle of beer.

‘Cheers,’ he announced. ‘Here’s to finding happy memories.’

***

It was late by the time they arrived back at the hotel. The bar area was quiet, populated by only a handful of solitary drinkers, all men who looked like they had been unable to find themselves some company.

‘Fancy a nightcap?’ Mark asked, already heading towards a corner table. Kai knew that four beers was probably one too many but she didn’t want to offend Mark as he had been so charming and helpful all evening.

‘Why not,’ she said, following him to the table. A waiter appeared from nowhere and efficiently took their order – beer for Kai, whisky for Mark.

‘An evening with me made you want to hit the hard stuff?’ she teased.

Mark grinned. ‘No, I’m just a little bloated after dinner. I can’t drink anything else fizzy.’ Their drinks arrived and Kai turned her chair to face the pool, away from Mark. His suggestion was still tormenting her with doubts. Even though she’d agreed to go with him to where she fell, Kai was unsure and afraid. Mostly the fear was formless, but an insidious, nagging feeling seemed to be warning her to stay away from the countryside, to stay away from her accident, her past. But if she didn’t go she would never know if the trip could be helpful; it would be a missed opportunity.

‘You’re still not sure, are you?’ Mark was frowning at her, studying her expression. ‘We don’t have to do this you know. There’s no pressure.’

We
. Mark had taken charge. Kai probed her feelings as though she were examining a decaying tooth for pain. Nothing. She wasn’t angry that he wanted to look after her, in fact there was a slight thrill of pleasure which she struggled to contain. She didn’t want Mark to think she had come to depend on him. She didn’t want to depend on him for anything, but it was agreeable to feel looked after. She wondered if the beer had relaxed her a little more than she’d intended.

Suddenly alarmed, she remembered her diary. Was this how it started? That nice feeling of security, of being cared for? And then what? Control? Power? Violence? She took a small sip of beer then placed the glass carefully back on the table.

‘Look, I’m sorry – I’m more tired than I thought. I’m off to bed.’ She stood up and Mark stood with her.

‘No problem,’ he assured her. ‘I’ll walk you up to your room.’

Kai couldn’t think of a way to say no so she just allowed him to follow her up the dimly lit staircase to her floor. She expected him to continue up to his own room but, instead, he came out on to the balcony that led to the second floor rooms.

Kai stopped and turned to face him intending to say goodnight but, as she opened her mouth, Mark bent his head and kissed her softly on the cheek. Something inside her wanted to scream, but another part of her wanted to pull his lips on to her own, to let him put his arms round her and hold her.

She ducked away and rummaged in her pocket for the key to her room, unable to meet Mark’s eyes in case he was able to recognise the emotions warring within her.

‘Goodnight, Mark,’ she said firmly, walking along the balcony. She was glad he was too far away to see the trembling in her hands as she tried to force her key into the lock on the door of her room.

She fell for it. I can’t believe that she’s that gullible. I was half convinced that she’d seen through me at one point, but I managed to persuade her that she was just being over-suspicious. I felt like throwing up, but I had to stay in control. I can’t allow any weakness now, I’m so close.

It’s a good plan. Shit, it’s a brilliant plan! I already know the exact spot and I know how to get there. It was easy enough to find – all the guidebooks mention it and explain how ‘off the beaten track’ it is. How can it be so off the bloody beaten track if everybody knows about it? I’m so sick of fucking ‘travellers’ all sitting around in self-congratulatory groups in the bars and restaurants talking about their unique experiences. How can they be unique if everybody comes here to do the same thing? I should tell them a few stories about my own travels – talk about unique.

She seemed more willing to let me take the lead today, to look after her. She even let me kiss her and I’m sure I could sense a stronger feeling than her just
letting
me do it. She wants me, I can tell. It feels a bit like she’s really falling for me. In a way I was tempted to force the situation, to invite myself into her room, then anything could have happened. But I want to keep things exactly as they are for now. I don’t want her too cocky, but I don’t want her too clingy either. Everything is exactly as I want it.

All I have to do is bide my time. And then she’ll give me my chance.

December 2nd – Chiang Mai

I hate this place! I thought all of Thailand would be as laid back as Sangkhom, but I was seriously mistaken. I’ve checked into an hotel that seems to double as a brothel – it’s full of British men with young Thai women – and it’s not especially clean. I don’t like the signs reminding guests that they are expected to pay for overly soiled sheets and towels. I checked mine for stains but, fortunately, they’re spotless. I also don’t like the looks I get as a lone woman. Maybe the men think I’m here to pick up Thai girls too. Must tell Penny that one.

I spent last night in the hotel restaurant as I couldn’t face wandering around in the dark in search of cheap, safe food. At first I felt really conspicuous but, after a couple of beers, I indulged in some people-watching and started to enjoy myself. I suppose there’s a certain arrogance in watching some of these sad blokes trying to impress women who look totally bored. As soon as the man looks away the woman’s face tends to go blank, then, when he says something to her she becomes animated again. I reckon that’s what David wanted from me, someone who only existed for him, like a doll or a puppet. Maybe he’d like it here.

I trekked out to the bus station today after nearly coming to blows with one of the most belligerent tuk-tuk drivers I’ve met so far. He didn’t seem to understand the concept of bargaining and would only accept forty baht. I offered twenty, thirty, even thirty-five but he was having none of it. I know I should have walked away but some perverse side of me made me accept his fare and, even when he dropped me two streets away from the bus station, I didn’t complain. It’s almost like I’ve lost heart. There are so many westerners here that I don’t want to be one of the usual tight gits – and anyway he probably charges all westerners a flat rate, so who am I to argue?

There should be no problem with the bus. I can get to Mae Hong Son in about four hours. The bus actually passes the point where I start my walk, but I’d have to leave here really early to be able to start at a reasonable time and I just can’t face that. The start of the trail is only about an hour from Mae Hong Son so I’m hoping to spend a couple of nights there and then catch a morning bus back to the starting point and walk while it’s cool.

Nobody smiles in this town. The Thais are too used to tourists to be bothered and the tourists are too used to each other to make any contact with strangers. It’s all very different from the other countries I’ve visited, where every westerner I saw wanted to compare experiences and every local either wanted to sell something, ask a question or just have a laugh. I feel more anonymous here than at any point in the last few months and I don’t like it. It’s weird, I wanted to just melt into the background and observe, but after three months on the road, three months of having to deal with all sorts of people and situations I don’t like blending in. I want contact. I’ve left behind one lot of restraints and constrictions and now I’m suddenly living within another. I can only hope it will be better away from the city.