Forgive Me Father For I Have Loved (2 page)

“Look.” He placed his hand on Douglass’ arm. “All jokes aside, you will do just fine. You’ve proven yourself. You’ve shown you are serious. You’ve been preparing for this for a long time and now it is almost over.”

“Thanks. It
is
almost over, and I thought this day would never come but now that it is almost here,” he shrugged and exhaled loudly, “you’d think I’d never known it was on its way. I want to start helping the community, go on retreats.” Douglass lips curved in a smile, but it was tense, tight, as if it would shatter if his face were gently touched with a single fingertip. He placed his worn yellow terry cloth wrists bands into his bag. “I just, I dunno, I guess my nerves are getting the best of me today.” He slumped on the nearby bench, defeated, and cupped his chin while looking down at the drab floor. He reminded Dane of
Le Penseur,
‘the thinking man’ bronze statue from Paris. Dane sighed and sat beside him quietly. He rubbed his palms against the thick fabric of smoky gray jogging pants.

“Fr. Dane, I mean, you and I haven’t talked much about your personal story. You’ve been a great teacher to me, though. Do you mind if I ask you about, you know…how you did it? What was it like?”

“I don’t mind at all.”

Dane grinned and scratched his eyebrow after running his fingers through slick, damp waves. “Honestly?” he said in almost a whisper, capturing Douglass
’ attention. “I was petrified. I think my friends were shocked when I told them I believed God was calling on my life to become a priest. I just didn’t seem the type, according to them, but God chooses all sorts of people.” He laughed lightly.

“God calls all guys from all walks of life. We are all different; we all have something special to offer. Right before I went into the seminary, I said goodbye to the secular things. I got rid of my friends that were discouraging, the ones that were negative. Some people that I really enjoyed got rid of me as well. They didn’t like that I was changing. I removed my earring, I loved that thing.” Dane grinned. “Things were different. It was time for me to be different, too. When I was in the seminary, there were about fourteen of us, all unique, from diverse backgrounds. But, I prayed a lot, and I had some really good men around me, helping me, encouraging me, just like I am doing with you right now. I had struggles, we all did. That is why by the end of the time for me, there were only five us left, out of the fourteen that began.”

“Same here. I made it this far...I know this is what I am supposed to be doing.” Douglass said with conviction. “Did you always know, too?”

“You know, at first I didn’t.” Dane paused as he relived those archived moments in time. “Some guys say they knew at like…five!” He laughed. “That is not common, but definitely a possibility, although it isn’t my story. I was on the high school football team, popular, made pretty good grades when I wasn’t goofin’ off... I thought I’d get some big corporate job after college and get married but during my studies, it struck me, Douglass. This was what I was supposed to be doing.” Dane pointed to his heart with conviction. “In college, the thoughts would drift in and out. I wasn’t happy. I should’ve been.”

“What do you mean?” Douglass’s eyes squinted as he held onto every word.

“Well, I had it all, or so people thought. You know, a great family, supportive and loving parents, a nice group of friends. I had a football scholarship to college and a nice girlfriend. All I kept hearing was, ‘Why would you throw that away?’ I had to tell ’em, ‘I’m not throwing anything away; I am giving my heart to the Church, to serve.’ As a priest, I am a gift to the people, and this is about sacrifice. I was called,” Dane answered, filling with emotion as each word left his mouth. “And I answered. I could feel the calling on my life. I was called to do this—the vocation chose me, God
chose
me.” Douglass nodded, as if falling deeper into understanding while the spirit of comradeship weaved between them.

“The Church has been a positive part of my entire life. I’ve been active in it since I could remember. My entire family, actually, all of us went to church. I’ve seen miracles, too.” He smiled as he drifted into thoughts of children surviving traumas through prayer vigils and people in the clutches of financial destitution suddenly finding new employment or receiving a loan that saved them in the nick of time. Dane’s faith was strong, and he loved speaking to the new guys about to graduate the seminary, especially ones like Douglass who showed tremendous potential.

“I graduated right here, at Michigan State and...”

“Really? I didn’t know you were native here and that you’d gotten your degree. You don’t...you don’t act like some of the other guys.”

Dane paused. He’d heard that before, but for some reason, it always took him off guard. He leaned back and nodded.

“Yeah, born and raised right here in
Livonia. Was an altar boy at Sacred Heart Byzantine Catholic Church.”

“Oh wow!” Douglass said, his eyes widening on an impressed, joyful laugh.

“Yeah, my parents made sure that I and my two brothers and sister were there at Sacred Heart, every Sunday, and we attended the youth programs and participated in liturgies. I was one of the few kids who actually looked forward to going,” Dane looked down into his lap and laughed. “I see that in you as well.”

Douglass nodded. A look of peace covered his face, and he seemed to relax. He shifted in his seat. “I’m almost there, or, I hope.”

“You really are. I have the utmost confidence in you. Of course, it isn’t my decision, but, I’ve not heard one negative thing mentioned about you. The day you are ordained will be one of the best, if not
thee best
day of your life.” He put his hand on Douglass’ shoulder. “And you’re going to make it. I know you will. We’re not all a bunch of uptight guys shaking our finger at the parishioners, Douglass. At St. Michael’s, that is one of our emphases. I’ve been at this parish for two years, and that’s one of the things I love about it. We just,” Dane exhaled and slowly shook his head, overcome with truly how blessed he was to serve at the church, “treat everyone the same.”

“I know, I love it at St. Michael’s and I hope I will eventually be assigned there. But, you earned that spot. It takes a while, but that’s fine, I’m game.” He smiled back at Dane, optimism coating each syllable.

“It is a great church and yeah, a lot of the newer, younger guys want to serve here. And it is because of what I said—we are open. Whoever comes off the street,” Dane pointed to the door, “is welcome with open arms. We don’t care what they’re dressed like, where they’ve been or what they’ve been doing. When they come inside, they are in God’s house, and that is how we treat them. As for me, and the rest of us, Fr. Thomas, Fr. Kirkpatrick, Fr. Brier, all of them, we are everyday men. We have dreams, goals and plans. None of that stops us—you just keep God first. We are servants of God. You can still be hip and cool like me.” Dane raised his arm, pretending to flex his muscles.

Douglass’ eyes gleamed with humor.

“We are all unique. Never lose yourself, you don’t have to. That is what it is all about. Like I said, and remember this, because it’s important.”

Douglass nodded, showing his understanding.

“We all bring different things to the table, and you will, too. We are made differently, all of us, and we all have something to contribute, something new, a gift to bring to the people.”

“Yes.” Douglass looked to be deep in thought, mulling over Dane’s words for a while. “That’s what I like about you, Fr. Caruso, I mean, Dane. It’s like...talking to my big brother instead of another priest. Like, when I was a kid, I looked up to the priests, but sometimes, they seemed untouchable and that is why I wanted to do this, too.”

Douglass straightened his posture, fired up with excitement as he turned to face Dane, his hands on his knees.

“I wanted to be approachable, and
really
get in the trenches. So many people have left the Church, left God, when it isn’t the Lord they’re running from. They are running from the dogma. Like...we’re just...”

“Regular people.” Dane grinned, finishing his sentence.

“That’s right! And that is why, when I first met you, the way you joked with me and a couple of the other guys, I just couldn’t believe how cool and laid back you were. Man,” Douglass shook his head, “you are
exactly
the kind of priest I want to be.”

“Thank you, but I’m sure your own personality will shine just fine.” Dane bent down to tie his shoe, trying to remain impassive although feeling pleasure at Douglass’ appreciation. He liked making people feel better, but for selfish reasons. When the new guys smiled, the guys he helped train and teach, he got something from it—it put him on a high because they’d have reached a new plateau of understanding. God used him to restore their confidence, and being the instrument that helped them achieve that gave him a great sense of satisfaction. This conversation was part of Douglass’ preparation for Fr. Brier to take the young man under his wing. Dane had a special way with young people; he made them want to listen. None of the other priests in the parish seemed to be able to elicit the same response, perhaps because he was so down to earth—not being past the occasional profane word leaving his lips...or a slightly sexually construed joke used more times than not to lighten the mood during heavy discussions. It wasn’t the first time he’d been the recipient of shocked looks from teens and young adults for this reason.

“Fr. Dane, I want to first, thank you for speaking to me. I know you have things to do, but you sat here and took time out of your schedule to talk to me anyway. Because of all of this, I want to let you in on something. Everyone thinks really highly of you. I should tell you what we say about you, when you’re not around just so you know how important you are to all of us.”

“There’s no need, Douglass,” Dane waved him off, “I’m just doing what...”

“No, I want you to hear what we say — what we talk about when it comes to you. I really don’t think you realize the full magnitude you have on our lives.”

“Okay, shoot.” Dane resolved as he prepared to listen.

“Not just me, all of us, every single one of us, talks about you. We know what your aim is, and you’ve been successful. You want to keep the humanity in the faith—let all of us be reminded that we are men in a modern world. Men of God, yes, but our hearts pumped blood just like everyone else’s.” he said with passion. “You never got on a high horse and you help us, all of us the new guys over our hurdles.”

“Well, thank you, Douglass.” he could feel the heat, the warmth taking over his face. He undoubtedly was blushing.

“No, it’s true. I know you don’t want to be on anyone’s pedestal.”

“You are right about that. I don’t. If Jesus could hang with delinquents, thieves and prostitutes, then neither I nor anyone else is too good to get eye level with a so-called outcast or derelict.”

“We know some of the other priests tease you, call you Rambo.”

Dane studied Douglass, a bit of confusion became him as he tried to figure out what he meant.

“You haven’t heard?” Douglass said full of surprise.

“No,” Dane earnestly grinned, “What does that mean?”

“Well, it’s a compliment—at least we think so. It means you aren’t afraid to do your job, like go to some places that others won’t.”

“Oh,” Dane nodded in understanding and smiled. “You mean like the bad parts of town. I’ve been accused of throwing caution to the wind. Yeah, some say I’m crazy.”

“I don’t think so. You’re there to do the Lord’s work, you shouldn’t stop dropping off meals, offering prayer to the lost.”

Dane thought about what Douglass was saying. He never gave any of it a second thought. It just came naturally. All the late nights he’d spent in the bristling wind, clutching heavy boxes with canned goods, school supplies and sanitary materials. These were the moments he lived for—moments that made his vocation worthwhile. For every person that shunned him, another welcomed him with open arms. The cracked spirits poured open like the alcohol going down the throats of those who needed his help the most. He didn’t hate the sinner, he hated the sin, and that was how he conducted his business.

“Thank you for the talk, Dane.”

Dane nodded, stood and grabbed his dusty gray Nike duffle bag, tossing it leisurely over his shoulder.

“No problem, Douglass. Just remember, keep asking God to speak to your spirit, to keep giving you strength. Don’t give into the fears; you know the path you are on. You can do this and you’ve got a support system.”

“Thank you, thanks so much, Fr. Dane.”

Don’t let them change you.

“You’re more than welcome and I’ll see you at the dinner tomorrow night, Douglass. We’ll have a great time and if you want to get in good with Fr. Kirkpatrick, he is the toughest and—”

“Tell me about it! He scares me to death!” Douglass laughed nervously as he clutched his bag.

“Right, well, here is something to help you...tell him you want to serve at Juniper Turns, the nursing home, and make sure you follow through. It holds a special place in his heart. I’ll let him tell you why after you say it.”

He winked at the man who now had renewed faith and headed outside into the sunlight...

~***~